Parents have been saying from the beginning of time, 'We love all of our children equally.'
But there are occasions when that doesn't always feel like the case.
These situations can be especially prevalent during birthdays and holidays.
So what does one do?
It's always good to start by asking some hard truths.
Or is it?
Case in point...
Redditor Double-Bear196 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for being mad my dad didn't get me a car for my birthday?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I just turned 18 (F[emale]) 2 weeks ago."
"I'm the youngest of 4 kids and on their 18th birthdays, all of my siblings were given a car by our dad."
"The condition was that you had to maintain good grades, which they all did."
"I'm definitely the dumbest of the kids haha, and I'm a fairly middle student."
"I do ok but I'm not like my siblings who get good grades pretty easily."
"But I honestly try my best and have had a tutor and I've never failed a class or even just scraped a pass."
"My birthday just came and went and while my mum bought me some really lovely presents, my dad (they are separated) got me some perfume which was lovely but there was no mention of the car."
"I didn't want to say anything in front of everyone but my brother and sister who were there, gave each other the whole smirky side-eye thing when they saw I didn't get the box with keys in that they got."
"I pretended like I didn't see."
"The next day I was pretty upset so I asked my dad why I hadn't got the car like my siblings had."
"He said my grades were ok but not 'at their level.'"
"I got upset and said that he knew I'd really tried and I'd gone to every session with my tutor and done my best."
"He said 'then it looks like your best isn't good enough.'"
"And I shouted at him that I was sick of being the least favorite child."
"He called me an entitled b**ch but I feel like I'm held to a different standard because I'm not so smart."
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared our OP was NOT the A**hole.
Let's hear some thoughts...
"Um, as a former 'smart kid' that got A’s without trying in high school - my 'results' were pretty meaningless."
"I didn’t learn how to study until college."
"And got freaking humbled along the way."
"Kids that were used to studying and never knew what coasting was just blew right by me."
"Their effort got them better graduating GPAs than mine in college, I’m sure."
"The results aren’t in just yet at 18, there’s a lot of life to go."
"OP, your dad isn’t betting on you, but I am."
"Good luck in the future and don’t let him dictate your life success because he made the wrong call here." ~ PossumJenkinsSoles
"This x 1000."
"OP, you’re learning skills they might not have."
"Besides that, what a shitty dad to say it’s not good enough!"
"Good enough for his arbitrary standards?"
"I feel like a decent parent would have noticed your effort and put other conditions in place like."
"Would have specified what 'good grades' are."
"Your comments show that you take in information well."
"Pick what you want. Go for it."
"Screw your competitive family." ~ Gawyne
"Second this OP."
"Coasted through high school and had my a** handed to me in college."
"I can’t tell you how many times I wished I had learned decent study skills BEFORE I was actually struggling with the material."
"Your struggles now will help you so much in the future."
"NTA by the way."
"To me, that’s like putting an amputee in the regular Olympics and judging them equally against the other competitors."
"The amputee can be an AMAZING athlete."
"And they may work 100x harder than the other athletes."
"But the fact is they’re just not starting at the same baseline and it’s not fair to judge them like they are."
"I know autism isn’t always a disability, but it IS a different way of viewing the world."
"And the world really isn’t made to accommodate that most of the time."
"That’s a reflection on the world, not the autistic person."
"Be proud of what you’ve accomplished despite the challenges you deal with and to heck with anyone who can’t recognize them."
"And for the record, don’t call yourself dumb."
"People with attitudes like your dad’s will just use that as an excuse to do the same."
"Your success with your tutor clearly shows you are NOT dumb."
"You just needed things handled in a way you could understand better." ~ Numerous-Tie-9677
"Yup, I’m the opposite side of this."
"I did horribly in school growing up, but once I began college I did really well compared to kids who never had to try."
"I still have to go back and finish though."
"I still get super nervous about doing poorly and wasting the money in a sense by failing or having to take remedial classes."
"It would be worth it to me to take remedial classes."
"But I can’t afford to take a class that doesn’t give actual credit."
"And I sure as hell know if I asked my family to help pay they wouldn’t be willing to if I was in any remedial classes."
"OP deserves more credit for the effort."
"And the parents should have looked into learning disabilities or things like ADHD growing up."
"Knowing likely could have been the difference if they made the effort to get the right help if OP was diagnosed with any of them." ~ mkat23
OP wanted to share...
"Yes you're right."
"I wish I could be judged on my own abilities rather than against my siblings who I know are all much better and more talented in school than me."
"But I really do try and I know effort counts for something sometimes."
Reddit continued...
"This is so true."
"Not only that, but using high school grades and test score gives such a narrow view of someone's actual intelligence and capabilities."
"The things we learn in school are important as a foundation, but that only goes so far."
"Making it in the real world takes so much more than just test scores."
"It takes a mix of emotional intelligence, common sense, technical ability, etc."
"Really I can't even begin to name everything because a lot of that is dependent on what path you take in life."
"OP, I'm so sorry your dad is a jerk."
"I'm sorry that you struggled more to make it through high school, but I promise you, that will be to your advantage if you let it be."
"Being handed things that just come easily might seem nice, but it doesn't teach you anything that will help you make it in the real world."
"What your father did will have the affect on you that you let it."
"You can feel sorry for yourself, see yourself as a victim and as less than, listening to your AH father's hurtful words that 'your best isn't good enough,' and settle into a sad life, seeing yourself through his eyes."
"OR you can realize that he is the AH and use his words and your siblings side eye/smirks as your motivation to live your best life and leave them in your dust!"
"Take some time to explore new things."
"Find out what your strengths are and what drives you, and create a life you are proud of."
"When you are older and look back, you will be able to be proud, because you will know that you weren't handed anything."
"You made it all on your own! NTA." ~ happytragedy15
"Your siblings are not necessarily better or more talented generally, they are just better at getting good grades."
"And they are better at doing the things that earn your father's approval, like getting excellent grades."
"Which he rewards with a car."
"There is a distinction."
"You have your own strengths and talents."
"Please don't measure your worth on whether your dad buys you the 'excellent grades' car. NTA." ~ lolunnb
Reddit continued...
OP came back with deets...
"EDIT: Thank you everyone for your comments and opinions."
"I've found it all very helpful and I thought I should answer some of the questions here."
"I am autistic which is one of the reasons I have a tutor who specializes in working with people on the spectrum."
"And she has helped me get my grades from Cs to all Bs and 1 C."
"My dad never said specifically what 'good' grades are or what I had to aim for."
"But I know now he must have meant As because my siblings got lots of As and a few Bs."
Well OP, Reddit is here for you.
It hurts now, but the horizon looks bright.
And plenty of people are pulling for you.
Happy Birthday & Happy Future!!
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp