Being in charge of a secret is very complicated.
On the one hand, you are in a position of power, with knowledge many might do anything to have.
However, sometimes keeping this information to yourself might not be as helpful as it seems.
Or at least that's how we may feel.
The brother of Redditor New_Tangelo1719 was about to move in with their boyfriend.
Much to the original poster (OP)'s surprise, his brother hadn't disclosed some information that the OP considered to be pretty important.
Resulting in the OP taking the liberty of telling the OP himself.
Something his brother did not appreciate.
Wondering if he was out of line, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for disclosing my brother's disability to his boyfriend?"
The OP explained why they felt the need to go behind their brother's back:
"My brother 27 M[ale] was in an accident when he was 19, this accident changed everything about both his life, and the lives of my sister 22 F[emale], myself 24M and our parents. For years after his accident both my sister and I became his caregivers."
"Years have passed and my brother has mostly recovered to the point where he can live on his own, and function almost like anybody else."
"We're all so incredibly proud of how far he's come, and so happy to see him back to his old self again."
"This is where the issue started."
"His new boyfriend 28M is the sweetest, kindest, most up-front person on the face of the planet."
"He's also very open and honest about his own hardships that he's faced in his life and is always talking about how honesty is the most vital part of his healing process."
"When my brother first started seeing him, I figured that he would've already told him about his disability, and yet three months later when I officially met his new boyfriend it became blazingly obvious to both my sister and I, that he never told his boyfriend."
"I wanted to talk to his boyfriend right away, but my sister told me not to, that I should let my brother tell his boyfriend in time."
"That time never seemed to come."
"Almost a year later I went to help my brother move into his boyfriend's apartment, and there was no thought or care towards making things accessible for him, and the things his boyfriend was asking him to do was simply things that my sister and I knew weren't possible all things considered."
"My brother brushed it all off and delegated those tasks to me or my sister."
"When my brother and sister left the apartment I took the opportunity to explain everything to his boyfriend."
"His boyfriend had told me that he was very aware of his disability, but what he knew only scratched the surface."
"I explained what things my brother might need help with even though he'd never ask for it, and I figured it was over."
"A week ago my brother called me, cussing me out for going behind his back and sharing those details with his boyfriend."
"I thought I was helping him, figured it was too much for him to explain on his own, and I'd rather sleep at night knowing that the man in bed next to my brother knew how to help him wholly."
"My brother insisted that it wasn't my story to tell, and I get that to an extent, but the story DID need to be told."
For added context:
"Yes, there is an aspect of danger and safety that comes into play."
"If I didn't think it may save his life one day, I wouldn't have told."
"There is an aspect of his disability that would be almost impossible to hide from a stranger, let alone his partner: so that very visible aspect was the part that his boyfriend knew about."
"My brother has never been ashamed of his disability, that's why I found it so strange that he had kept so much of it hidden from his boyfriend."
"So AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The OP found little to no sympathy from the Reddit community who almost unanimously agreed he was, indeed, the a**hole for telling his brother's boyfriend about his disability.
While some understood why the OP felt compelled to be honest with his brother's boyfriend, they otherwise all agreed that this was something that only his brother had the right to share:
"YTA."
"I understand why you did it, but I think your brother is right that it wasn't your story to tell."
"What stands out to me is that this wasn't an emergency or a safety issue."
"Your brother is 27, living independently, in a relationship, and apparently aware enough of his own limitations to delegate tasks when needed."
"You may not agree with how he chose to handle the conversation, but it was still his choice to make."
"I also think there's a good chance that after spending years as one of his caregivers, it's hard to stop seeing him as someone who needs protecting."
"That's completely understandable."
"But there's a difference between helping someone and deciding for them what information their partner should have."
"Your intentions were clearly good."
"You weren't trying to hurt or embarrass him."
"But good intentions don't automatically override someone's right to disclose their own medical history and limitations on their own terms."
"P.S. Also, if his boyfriend knew about the disability but only had a surface-level understanding, he had every opportunity to ask more questions himself."
"Relationships involve communication from both sides."
"It's not really your responsibility to step in and fill in the gaps without your brother's consent."- Skill-Major
"Yes YTA."
"Your brother is a grown adult man who, presumably, is in full control of his mental faculties."
"It was not your place to step in, as well intentioned as you were."- GreenUnderstanding39
"YTA."
"What a huge violation of your brothers autonomy and privacy."
"This wasn’t a 'you have to know or your life will be ruined' conversation."
"If your brother is well enough to live independently and with a partner, you have no right to intervene like you did."
"How awful."- Jaykaybabay
"Huge A**hole."
"You should have talked to your brother and made it clear he needed to be honest."
"You choosing to be honest with him was a major overstep."
"I get where you were coming from - but oof- you've just tossed away your brother's trust forever."
"Bad form, man."
"YTA."- DenizenKay
"As someone who is disabled myself, YTA."
"It wasn’t your place."
"By going behind your brother’s back to 'explain things' to his bf, you infantilized your brother."
"He’s a grown man capable of making his own decisions about what he can and cannot do and who he will and will not tell about those abilities and limitations."
"Was it a mistake for him not to be upfront with his bf?"
"Maybe. But it wasn’t YOUR mistake to make - it was your brother’s."
"And it was his consequences to accept whenever the bf discovered the information."
"And also - are you really sure all the restrictions still exist for your brother that you think exist?"
"He may be trying to stretch his abilities to be more independent and see how much he can do for himself."
"Remove your nose from your brother’s business and let him live his life."- Scouthawkk
"Yes YTA."
"Your brother's medical conditions are for him and him alone to deal with."
"I understand you have good intentions, but you can't live your brother's life for him."- RelevantSchool1586
"YTA."
"You don’t respect your brother."
"It’s his disability, his relationship, and his life."
"I understand you care, but the fact that your immediate reaction to your brother getting a boyfriend was to tell the boyfriend yourself speaks volumes. The most you should’ve involved yourself was by encouraging your brother to tell him himself."
"You crossed a line."- clickityclickk
"YTA."
"Because your brother is right, that wasn't your story to tell."
" While I agree that at some point, your brother should have opened up about his disability so that his partner understood his situation, you should never have meddled in his relationship."
"Your brother might have been building up the courage to tell his boyfriend, or had decided on a specific moment when he would disclose his disability."
"You took that away from him."
"If there were ever any issues with their relationship because your brother had kept his disability secret, that was HIS burden to bear."- dawngarda
There were some who agreed that it was wrong of the OP's brother to be withholding information from his boyfriend, but still agreed that the OP's actions were out of line:
"ESH."
"You should not be sharing another person's medical info, but your brother definitely should have, and more so to a partner he's now living with!"
"What was his long-term solution going to be anyway, to outsource help to you and your sister every time?"- Narwen189
One can see why the OP wanted his brother's boyfriend to know as much as possible about his brother's disability, for both their sakes.
That being said, this was information that no one but the OP's brother had a right to share.
And ultimately, if the OP's brother and his boyfriend loved each other enough, nothing should get in the way of that.
