For all the joy that becoming a parent brings, all new parents will waste no time in saying it also comes with many challenges.
Particularly the first year or so, when sleep becomes a fairly precious commodity.
Most of the time, parents tend to split various baby duties evenly.
Even if occasionally, one parent takes charge without a second thought.
Something that one can only imagine the other parent wouldn't mind one bit.
Redditor Romarqable and their wife recently welcomed a baby girl into the world.
The original poster (OP) took charge of one particular department, one they thought their wife would appreciate.
Unfortunately, their wife's reaction was quite the opposite of what they expected, even going so far as to accuse the OP of "stealing" her "motherly duties".
Wondering if this was the case, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA For Being The One To Wake Up At Night To Take Care of My Daughter?"
The OP explained why their wife was not at all pleased at their decision to take a parenting initiative:
"When my daughter was born, my daughter went through the usual steps of crying all night."
"Mom, who had a rough pregnancy, sometimes wouldn't wake up to her cries."
"I've always been a light sleeper, so I would wake up and take care of whatever was needed- rocking, maybe a warm bottle, diaper change, soothing."
"I never said anything to her, figuring she would wake up at times when I didn't, so there would be a balance."
"One time we went out with friends, she started gushing to her friends what a great baby we had, and she hardly ever needed to get up in the middle of the night because our daughter would mostly sleep through the night."
"I didn't want to embarrass the mother of my child in front of her friends, so I waited until we got home to bring this up."
"That's where the problem began."
"As soon as I told her I was getting up at night to take care of the baby, she absolutely lost it on me."
"Said why would I do that, me not waking her up to do it is the reason she now can't wake up when she cries."
"Says I stole motherly duties from her."
"I didn't see it as Mom or dad duties, but as a shared parental task."
"I didn't care if I was the only one doing it or not, I just wanted to care for my baby."
"Mom seems to look at me as some kind of monster for trying my best to be a good father to my kid."
"I worked between 9 to 12 hours a day 6 days a week."
"She was also working."
"We had very little overlap as far as time goes."
"Conversing about what was going on presently was usually our topic of conversation."
"Mom was never really one to ask how my day was or how things were, and if I asked her it was usually a mumbled groan, so I typically didn't share much."
"It was always more of a 'thank goodness you're home' kind of vibe and left at that."
"Mom wanted to track all feedings and diaper changes, so she had downloaded an app to her phone where she and I logged everything."
"There was maybe an unreasonable expectation on my part that she was checking this regularly, and if something had been wrong she would tell me."
"Her checking it apparently didn't happen, which I think didn't help that neither of us were talking about it either."
"I was also under the assumption there were nights she was also doing it."
"I never said she hadn't been doing it, for sure she did, but as it turns out not to the frequency I had been."
"Which I was okay with but I now know she wasn't."
"This came about sometime between when the baby was between 4 to 6 months."
"I don't want to share my daughter exact age for privacy reasons."
"This did happen some time ago, the baby is older and thankfully mostly sleeping through the night."
"I have a mixture of overtiredness, post COVID brain fog that I think contributed to the fact it never occurred to me these conversations were not happening."
"There were days I was running on auto pilot and two hours of sleep, and I was for sure not as present at work or at home as I should have been."
"I didn't make this post to prove a point, click bait or otherwise try to curry favor with absolute strangers on Reddit."
"Mom here has been using this to bash me to family and friends."
"I wanted a more unbiased opinion from people on the outside that would tell me whether or not I was, in fact, an a**hole."
This event didn't just happen, but happened months ago."
"I was trying to not bias the conversation with anything negative about her."
"One of the key issues between us is definitely communication, and it's something I have been and will continue to work on going forward."
"There are certain questions I did not feel comfortable answering, as I didn't want to make this so specific that people in my actual life would realize who the parties involved were."
"This includes the babies actual age."
"Since this was brought up, due to medications being categorized as class C, mom was medically advised not to breastfeed."
"My daughter had to be entirely bottle fed."
"So, Am I the a**hole for waking up to take care of our daughter at night instead of leaving it to her mom?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community generally agreed that the OP was not the a**Hole for not waking up their wife to tend to their child.
Just about everyone agreed that the OP was only thinking of their daughter's best interest, with many feeling their wife should be grateful to have such an attentive partner:
"Lmao ok I don't want to laugh at your wife's feelings, but I have a boyfriend who has not gotten up at night in 15 months."
"Even if I ask him, there's always a reason why he can't."
"Always."
"I'm f*cking exhausted especially now that I'm working again."
"I'll go to bed without eating or showering because I'm that tired."
"So all that to say your wife should be profoundly thanking you."
"And you very discreetly talked to her afterwards."
"You would have been the AH if you embarrassed her in front of everyone, but you didn't!"
"Also, she needs to know the truth!"
"NTA."- PixelRoku
"NTA."
" I dare say your partner is reacting this way out of embarrassment."
"You are doing what all good fathers SHOULD do."
"No one should be the primary parent 24/7 that’s not good for anyone’s physical or mental health."- chaserscarlet
"NTA."
"It's a weird reaction on her part, since getting little uninterrupted sleep is one of the hardest parts of having a baby."- Alternative-Being181
"NTA!"
"Welcome to mum guilt - it’s a hell of a thing."
"She’s likely feeling guilty or like a failure because mums 'always wake to their babies cries' or 'just instinctively know when their babies need them' or whatever other BS we internalize."
"Remind her of all the ways she’s a great mother, and encourage her to talk to a psychologist to help work through these feelings."
"Also, good on you for stepping up to do night duty the way you have."
"Sounds like you’re both loving parents doing your best for bubs, and that’s beautiful to see."- perfidious_snatch
"You were considerate to bring this up privately, too."Some, however, felt that the reaction from the OP's wife had more to do with her fragile emotions, even if they still agreed that the OP didn't do anything wrong:
"NAH."
"I think it’s more of her feeling mom guilt that she slept through the baby’s cries, and she is taking it out on you."
"That she feels like a bad mother because she probably believes moms are supposed to know when their kids cry."
"Has your partner always been a deep sleeper?"
"Though does she sleep through any other noise?"
"Alarms etc?"
"I know some women can develop sleeping problems after having a baby."
"So maybe that could be brought up to her doctor."- FairieWarrior
The OP later returned with an update, thanking everyone who took the time to comment:
"I also wanted to take the time to thank everyone who commented and shared their opinions and experiences."
"I've definitely gained additional perspective that I didn't have before."
"I appreciate the encouraging words, and even the opinions that think I'm the a**hole."
"I am not perfect, I have my own failings, but ultimately I just wanted to see whether or not if I was doing the right thing not just for mom but for our child."
It's a parent's worst fear to miss any milestone in their child's life.
It seemed the OP's wife seemed to think that happened when she missed late-night feedings.
While she has every right to be sad about this, is it really fair to hold this against the OP, who ensured that their daughter was fed and comfortable?
