People often forget than pregnancy and childbirth are still dangerous, even with all of the medical advancements available today.
Many things can and do go wrong.
Having a strong support system is important. But what if your partner has other priorities?
A new mother turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after feeling abandoned by her spouse.
DramaticBedroom4425 asked:
"AITA for telling my husband that paternity leave isn’t a holiday?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (30s, female) gave birth to our son a few days ago. It was incredibly traumatic. I had a severe postpartum haemorrhage, lost 1.8 litres of blood, and had emergency surgery to remove my placenta. I’m still recovering."
"Our son was born with pulmonary atresia with intact ventricular septum and was admitted straight to the NICU. He’ll likely need heart surgery, and we’ve since been told they’ve found another abnormality they’re investigating."
"My husband has a son, who will be 11 in August, from a previous relationship (Greg). I want to be clear that I have no issue with Greg meeting his little brother or spending time with his dad. I’ve never asked him to choose between his children."
"Two days after I gave birth, I thought Greg’s mum would bring him to meet the baby before taking him home. Instead, my husband collected Greg and spent the entire day with him. They went on the London Eye, had lunch, he had a beer, then went home to play Xbox until Greg was collected around 9pm."
"During that day, my husband spent around 20 minutes with our newborn in the NICU and barely saw me. My mum stayed with me on the postnatal ward, but she couldn’t come into the NICU, so I was making my own way to see our son while recovering from major blood loss and surgery."
"When I explained I wasn’t upset Greg had visited but that I hadn’t expected to be left alone all day while our baby was critically ill, my husband became defensive. He said he enjoyed spending time with Greg and that he was 'being a parent'."
"I replied that I wasn’t saying he shouldn’t parent Greg. I was saying I needed him to be a husband to me and a father to our newborn during what was a medical emergency."
"When I later explained how serious my blood loss had been, his response was, 'My sister lost 5'.”
"The next day I told him doctors had found another abnormality with our son’s heart. He complained nobody had told him. I pointed out he’d already left because he’d only spent about 20 minutes in the NICU."
"I’ve now been discharged, but our son is still in the NICU. I’m exhausted and terrified to leave him, while my husband has again spent the morning taking Greg to the cinema."
"I finally told him that paternity leave isn’t supposed to be a holiday and that I don’t feel supported. I said if this is what his paternity leave looks like, I’d almost rather he went back to work because at least then I’d understand why I was doing everything alone."
"He says I’m being unfair because he’s trying to balance both children."
"AITA?"
The OP later added:
"It’s not about his son. It’s about nearly dying, our son being extremely critical health wise, and abandoning us two days in and spending a whole day doing fun activities instead of being at the hospital. Like give me a week to pull myself together physically and mentally and it would be different. But when I can’t get out of bed, they’re giving me morphine etc... I don’t think it’s selfish to ask my husband to be present and supporting me!"
"I was less than 48 hours out from delivering, nearly bleeding out and having a baby with a serious and rare heart defect. It wasn’t his scheduled custody time with Greg. I’d already OK’d him bringing him, but was under the impression that husband's ex was going to bring him to the hospital and then collect him so that husband could support me in rare and extenuating circumstances."
"Instead I’m getting photos from a tourist attraction bragging of their afternoon out while I can’t get out of bed from the pain. I saw my husband for 20 mins in 24 hours and in those circumstances I’d dare anyone to not question his common sense."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"So his sister is dead? That's his excuse for not caring about your blood loss? Because an adult body only holds about 4.5 to 5.5 liters total."
"Losing 5 liters at once means total loss of blood pressure and oxygen, causing organ failure and death unless they had rapid infusion and then it's usually talked about as how much ood was infused, not lost. Lost means gone, like your 1.8 liters you lost."
"Your husband is full of sh*t. I guess now you know why he's an ex to his first son's mother. He's useless and a liar." ~ MohawMais
"If Greg is being looked after by his mother, during her custody time, and having his needs met then the husband needs to focus on his ill newborn and his wife. Since it wasn't his custody time, why is he 'trying to balance both children'?"
"Seems more like he's using Greg as an excuse for him to get out of doing any of the unfun parts of parenting. Like, he needed to go home and play Xbox? How was that balancing?"
"Also, I find it hard to believe his sister lost 5 litres. Is she dead? I lost 1.5 L. I probably should have had an iron transfusion. For 3 weeks I couldn’t take more than 5 steps without becoming completely breathless. It took months and months to recover my iron levels." ~ can3tt1
"NTA I think we understand why your husband and his ex didn't stay together..."
"Absolutely baffling behavior by your husband. He should be camped out in the hospital 24x7 or taking care of you and nothing else right now."
"Greg sounds like he's not a literal toddler so he will understand his father needing to be there for his stepmother and sibling for a few weeks. If he doesn't now, he certainly will when he's older."
"Your husband being actually dismissive and annoyed over these matters is infuriating." ~ Remarkable-Intern-41
"Um, there are only 4.5-5 litres of blood in the human body. Hopefully the sister was hooked up to a LOT of machines and getting rapid blood replacement when she lost 5 litres. Or the husband is lying. I'd bet on the latter."
"In other news, OP lost 1.8 litres, which is basically half the blood in her body, while giving birth. The internet says, 'For a typical, healthy adult ... Losing 40 percent or more of your blood volume will usually lead to death without immediate and aggressive life-saving measures'." ~ spinningcolours
"I looked up how much blood a grownup generally has. It's around 5 litres. So.. the sister lost all her blood? Losing 40% or more (2 litres and up) is typically fatal. So, uh, husband is full of sh*t in that regard as well, unless sister was just like. Being pumped with blood at a steady pace while losing it." ~ natuprunk
"NTA. If his sister had lost 5 liters during childbirth, she would probably be dead, as an average human has around that in their entire body."
"I'm sorry you are going through all this alone. I understand that his other kid probably may feel insecure with the new baby coming, but now IS NOT THE TIME to be doing all those things."
"Your husband is a jerk and doesn't sound like that he understands how close he was to losing you both. Or he just doesn't care because taking care of other people isn't fun." ~ LurkingAtU
"He's not parenting both kids at all. He's ignoring the newborn in favour of the 11-year-old."
"I would divorce a man who left me without support at a vulnerable time to go have fun with his other kid. Like, from the hospital bed. Any love I had for him would die instantly." ~ f*ckyourcanoes
"NTA, the child in the NICU should definitely take priority, I'm sorry you have to deal with this all by yourself." ~ theBMadking
"I've been the 'Greg' in comparable situations before, and I spent the entire day in the hospital. I was involved, but I wasn't the focus."
"Every adult made it clear the person recovering from a major medical episode was (rightfully) the centre of attention, the one whom every plan revolved around."
"What on earth was the father thinking?" ~ foozledaa
"An eleven-year-old is old enough to understand that families band together and prioritize the injured person. It’s good for them to be included in that responsibility. It teaches empathy."
"The husband’s remark comparing OP’s blood loss with his sister’s is juvenile and diabolical. It shows how our misogynistic culture trivializes female injury."
"OP you have a long road ahead." ~ Spoonbills
The OP shared an update:
"Honestly, I'm almost indifferent. I don’t have the mental capacity to worry about him or how I feel apart from abandoned. All my energy is going towards baby."
"I’ve even put my own recovery back because he is who I’m focused on. I’m fully prepared to take baby and walk if it comes down to it. He is my priority and will always come first and making sure he is as healthy as he can be is all I care about!"
OP is feeling unsupported by her husband. If that pattern continues, he may find himself with two ex-wives.
