Traumatic life experiences can leave many emotional scars.
Some memories are just too painful to forget.
But over-discussing it can feel like trauma porn.
Redditor u/JustHereToLurk93 wanted to share her experience and get feedback, so she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for telling my sister we are tired of her using her birth story in every conversation possible?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I’m F[emale] 29, and my sister is F 31."
"This year my sister gave birth to her first baby, a gorgeous little girl in March."
"This baby is so loved by everyone in my family; there is zero question about that. "
"The issue we are all having currently is with my sister."
"My sister had some complications with her birth."
"She had a C-section, which at first went fine, but afterward she had some complications, and she needed to go back down for surgery."
"My family, my husband, and my B[rother]-I[n]-L[aw] were so frightened when it happened, and it was probably one of the scariest things we have experienced."
"She did, however, recover well, and she and the baby were perfect afterward and have been perfect since."
"Now the issue we are having is that any and every time, and I mean EVERY time, I see my sister, she has to mention how she 'nearly died' giving birth."
"The conversation can have nothing to do with birth or children, but she will bring it back to that, and the hardest thing is when I or another person is trying to vent or even just get something that is bothering them out, she spins it back to herself and how she 'almost died giving birth.'"
"The final straw was last weekend. My husband and I went to visit my sister and her husband and the baby, and my husband was speaking about the anniversary of his friend's passing from a car accident that was coming up, and he was upset as this was only the first year since it happened, and my sister took this as a moment to say, 'I completely understand, I mean I almost died giving birth so I know how awful that must feel.'"
"I snapped and told her, not everything needs to be about your birth story, we get it, you had a traumatic birth but this isn’t about you and we are tired of you using it in every conversation."
"It went silent for a second, and she got upset, saying that I didn’t appreciate how I could have lost her."
"I got very angry and said, of course I appreciate it; I was there, I was crying, but you're okay, and the baby is okay, but what is not okay is you dismissing someone else because you think you had it worse."
"My brother-in-law then proceeded to tell everyone to relax, and we would go get lunch."
"We did, but the rest of the day was quite awkward."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for confronting my sister this way or was I right to tell her to stop?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Many Redditors were all over the map when it came to figuring out who the A**hole was.
"It really sounds like she hasn't dealt with the issue and might need help."
"ETA. I couldn't come to a full decision on judgment, which is why I skipped a step."
"I would say ESH leaning towards YTA: AH for timing and delivery, NTA since it's an ongoing issue. (smol edit) Maybe do a group family session so she knows how y'all love her and don't think her trauma is a burden." ~ bonacheeta
"Came here to say this."
"NTA for being over how she makes everything about herself."
"BUT gentle YTA for snapping at her instead of reaching out to talk it through."
"She may be fixated on it and needing help (like the professional kind) to process her near-death." ~ magicmavenhart
"I get that OP's tired, but trauma takes some time to process and heal."
"Just because the sister is seeing a professional doesn't mean she'll get over it quickly."
"Situations like this truly require patience and understanding from the people around her."
"This will eventually get better as she learns certain techniques from the professional on how to handle it."
"Especially whenever she gets flashbacks." ~ IceSeeker
"NTA definitely."
"There is a massive difference between processing birth trauma and using it as a conversational card to dismiss other people's grief."
"What your sister experienced was terrifying, but trauma doesn't grant anyone an all-access pass to step on someone else's pain, especially when your husband was opening up about a friend who actually died. Interrupting a grieving person with 'I completely understand because I almost died' isn't connecting; it's hijacking."
"It sounds like she is stuck in an emotional loop where she needs constant external validation that her trauma was real."
"It's good she's in therapy, but therapy takes time, and you aren't required to silently let her steamroll your husband's real-time mourning."
"Snapping wasn't ideal, but your boundary was completely justified." ~ YourBustySummer
"Yes. I was thinking the same. "
"Next time it comes up, OP should say she’s not qualified to help sister manage this trauma, and suggest she speak to a professional rather than family about that topic because she seems to not be able to stop dwelling on it in an unhealthy way." ~ 78723
"Your sister almost died this year."
"She's clearly still traumatized."
"She shouldn't be always bringing it up, but your response was needlessly cruel."
"If it was that scary for you, imagine how it felt for her."
"I'm going with NAH, just a lot of grieving people."
"She's very obviously not 'okay' despite you saying that she is."
"Heck, maybe she keeps bringing it up in hopes that people realize she isn't okay." ~ BeholdTheseComics
"Also going NAH."
"It's been 8 months since she almost died, on top of recovering and having a new baby and all the hormonal and emotional overwhelm that comes with that."
"She needs therapy, support, probably meds - but expecting anyone to be over a life-altering traumatic event 8 months after it happens is a little out of touch."
"OP, give your sister some grace and some time; she will stop talking about it when time makes it feel less scary." ~ dinamet7
"I mean, barely six months ago, your sister had an extremely traumatic event that coincided with becoming a parent for the first time, which comes with insane emotions, zero sleep, and super narcissism, in the sense that your entire life suddenly revolves around your tiny new family to the exclusion of basically everything else."
"Yes, your sister was a jerk."
"She shouldn’t have said that. But it’s not shocking."
"She will get over this phase."
"Hopefully she will apologize." ~ QueenInYellowLace
"OP’s mention of venting to her sister made me raise my eyebrows too."
"How often has she been venting about things to her newly postpartum sister who had a traumatic birth and nearly died?"
"Like, I had a relatively uneventful birth and no trauma surrounding it."
"But those first six months of my baby’s life were not the time to ask me to listen to your problems."
"I was EXHAUSTED and overwhelmed and having an identity crisis."
"My whole world just turned upside down."
"Obviously I’d be there for my friends and family for big problems, but if OP is upset that her sister isn’t acting properly when she’s just venting about stuff?"
"I don't know, sounds like she needs to find someone less stressed to vent to for a while."
"The conversation about a friend who passed away is different, and OP could be annoyed about that, but snapping at her and making it awkward isn’t helping anyone."
"And it sounds like she’s been irritated at her sister for a while, which to me sounds unfair." ~ gaelicpasta3
"OP, I had a major traumatic birth with my second."
"Emergency C-section and our daughter developed meningitis the next day."
"It took me over a year for the dread to start to dissipate."
"It sounds likely that the same thing is happening to your sister."
"She probably needs therapy. NTA."
"My daughter is 44 now, and I still have moments where the terror creeps up." ~ Fancy_Introduction60
"YTA. It sounds like you snapped at her in front of other people."
"This was something to address very, very gently and very, very privately."
"It really sounds as though she has not dealt with this and is still processing or even reliving the trauma."
"Retelling the story over and over is actually really common in people who haven't processed and come to terms with a traumatic event."
"She likely needs support and professional help; chances are good she has something verging on P[ost]-T[raumatic] S[tress] D[isorder] if not actual PTSD from this experience." ~ Objective-Pound2185
"NTA. I had two traumatic C-sections."
"Nearly died three times."
"My kids spent two months total in the NICU."
"It was a total mindf*ck."
"There’s a lot there that I have never unpacked."
"But I’m alive, I’m still here, and I don’t want that to be the only story I ever tell." ~ Whiteroses7252012
OP had a little more info to share.
"This is something my sister is in therapy for and has been since she gave birth."
"And my family and I have even been to appointments with her."
"This also wasn’t the first time she was talking over someone else’s grief or trauma to bring up her birth complications."
This is a rough situation, OP.
You felt compelled to speak.
Try not to be hard on yourself, and hopefully your sister can process her trauma with time.
