If an ex inherits something or gets death benefits based on an older will or insurance beneficiary designation, then their new partner might feel entitled to that money or property.
But the deceased chose to name their ex as a beneficiary after their split, then who can question that?
Well...
An ex who just got their share of a life insurance payout turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after their ex-husband's family and his former affair partner complain.
Throwsnsawa asked:
"AITA for refusing to give up my life insurance payout and asking my ex's family to refinance the car he left me?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"So my ex passed away recently in a work-related accident. I don't know the specifics. It's sad, of course. I have a lot of mixed emotions about it."
"But the truth is, we hadn't been together in over a year when it happened. We were together for five years, and we broke up because he cheated on me and got someone else pregnant."
"That breakup wrecked me. It took me a long time to recover. I haven't seen him since."
"After the breakup, I went no contact. I've spent the past year healing, learning to be happy again, and moving on."
"I didn't go to the funeral. I didn't want to see the baby mama or his family. And while I'm not happy he's gone, I can't say I'm devastated anymore either. I grieved this person when I left the relationship."
"Now here's where things get complicated."
"Six months after our breakup, and after the baby was born, he took out a life insurance policy. In it, he named me as the 50% beneficiary. His mom and the baby mama each got 25%."
"I didn't know this until the insurance company called me. I assumed it was some paperwork leftover from when we were together."
"But nope, this was a new policy, dated well after the breakup. That means this was his decision."
"At the same time, there's a car. He financed it while we were still together, but it's under my name and credit. My credit was better than his, so we financed it under my name and credit."
"I begged him for over a year to refinance it, to the point the only reason I ever contacted him was for the refinancing of that car."
"He never refinanced that car, I doubt he was ever going to. Now that he's gone, it's still tied to me. The car is sitting in my garage, and his family has reached out saying the baby mama needs it for work."
"I told them, fine. You can have it as soon as it's refinanced and no longer on my credit. I will GLADLY sign whatever paper they need. But I am not going to risk my credit on people I don't trust to make payments."
"It's $23,800 to pay it off, that's like the entire settlement they got for them. I don't know why it's so hard to refinance the car. I don't want this car either and I feel bad about selling it."
"And now they're demanding that I give up the life insurance payout too. That I should 'do the right thing' and give it to his mom or the baby mama."
"But here's the thing, I didn't ask for any of this. I didn't ask to be put on that policy. He made that choice, after everything that happened between us."
"Honestly?"
"I feel like I earned that money. I spent five years with that man. Five years dealing with the stress, the gaslighting, the emotional pain, the betrayal."
"I loved him deeply, and I lost so much trying to make that relationship work. I stayed with him until I found out his baby mama was pregnant, because he was actively hiding it from me at that time."
"I was with him through the worst parts of his life. If anything, this money feels like the only thing I ever got back from all the bullsh*t."
"He chose to leave it to me. Probably because deep down, he knew how badly he treated me."
The OP summed up their situation.
"The action I want to be judged for is refusing to give my ex's family the car unless they refinance it off my credit, and refusing to give them my share of his life insurance payout."
"They say I'm selfish, ungrateful, and heartless for not just handing it all over: the car, the money. Especially since I didn't even go to the funeral."
"But he left me that money after we broke up. He made that decision on his own."
"I feel like I earned it, I put up with his cheating, his mess, and five years of emotional damage. Now they want to act like I was nothing."
"I don't know, am I being crazy? Am I really being super selfish here? I can't tell anymore."
"Part of me feels guilty, but the other part is like… no, I survived that man. I'm just tired of feeling like I owe people something when I've already paid enough."
"I also want to say, I don't want more money in any way. I'm okay with this insurance money and they can track down what they want from his employer or the government. I'm done with him."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. It's your money and your car. I'd block all of them and move on." ~ Business-Garbage-370
"If it would make OP feel better, she could send a message stating they have 30 days to refinance and transfer over the title. When the 30 days are up, the car will be sold."
"As for the life insurance payout, absolutely 100% OPs." ~ curmevexas
"This. And absolutely NTA. I'd just sell the car, but if you really have guilt about that piece, then give them the 30 days to figure it out or you're selling it and they can figure out how to get baby mama a car."
"They're only hung up on the car because they're trying to get anything out of you they possibly can. But legally you owe them nothing."
"OP, NONE of this is your fault, responsibility, or problem. Given the timeline of his actions with the policy, it's clear he did that intentionally. The car is just an annoyance. You can be free of all the guilt you feel and continue to focus on moving on." ~ ElsieReboot
"Sell it. It won't stop when you give it over to them after refinancing. They will come after your money when the car needs repairs because baby mama doesn't have as much as you, etc..."
"They are crazy for asking anything of you. They know who their son was and it's just another slap in the face. They might not think you deserved the $, but HE DID." ~ Conscious-Regular-
"They won't try to refinance it because they think you need to pay for it. But be prepared for the howler monkeys to come after you for the proceeds of the sale. Block these people and live your life free from their toxicity." ~ Johnlc29
"At this point it is your car. Hell, before he died, it was your car—your name was on the damn thing! Sell it. Don't feel bad."
"These people don't give a f*ck about you. It's just wasteful keeping it when it could be getting used by someone who is looking for a car."
"Don't even bother having them take it, it just keeps them in your life longer. Sell the car and block all of them." ~ imamage_fightme
"Use the insurance money to pay off the car then sell it and be done with it. Block them."
"Your ex knew what he was doing when he made that policy after you split up. I bet he did it because of the car and to make amends for the cheating. Use that money to finally cut ties and move on." ~ Environmental_Art591
"Yep, if the policy was made when you were together I'd say you should consider giving some of it to the family, but it was made after the break up. This is what he wanted just before he died and not some clerical forgetfulness. NTA." ~ Stubborn_Amoeba
"Sell the car—it'll be a 2 ton weight off your neck. And keep the money, he obviously wanted you to have it. And my guess is the reason he didn't refinance the car was because he knew it was a reason you would keep contacting him. Then block his whole family. NTA." ~ Roadgoddess
"Yes, seriously, this was done, after your breakup and after the baby was born. They are trying to guilt you for something HE DID. He chose the percentages."
"They should be happy that they were even in the insurance. In this case, I would tell you, to follow the will/insurance as it's stated."
"If they have a problem, they have to learn to deal with it. The other woman needs to get her rear in line and do whatever necessary to refinance the car, ASAP. The ex's mother needs to keep quiet." ~ Autumsraine
The OP's ex decided who he wanted to receive a payout from his life insurance.
The OP is just honoring his wishes.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp