As nice as it would be, none of us are born with an inherent understanding of financial management and financial responsibility, but some people grasp these concepts much better than others.
Regretfully, poor financial choices can hurt relationships, even other people’s relationships with each other when they try to help someone out, cringed the users of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor ToeSad1231 thought that she and her husband were in a good financial place, and she was pleased to see their savings growing for their future.
But when their savings seemed to stop growing, and she found out that it was because her husband had been secretly lending his sister large sums of money, the Original Poster (OP) wasn’t sure if she could still trust her husband’s judgment.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for blowing up at my husband after finding out he’s been secretly giving his sister money?”
The OP was not pleased when she found out her husband was sending his sister money.
“I (32 Female) just found out that my husband (34 Male) has been secretly sending money to his older sister (38 Female) for years, and I lost it. I need to know if I went too far.”
“His sister has always been a bit of a mess financially. She doesn’t manage her money well, constantly complains about being broke, and always has some excuse as to why she can’t cover her expenses.”
“I’ve always suspected she was bad with money, but I had no idea just how deep this went.”
The OP only realized what was happening when their savings were impacted.
“Recently, I started noticing that our savings weren’t growing as they should have been. We make good money, and I handle most of our finances, so it didn’t make sense.”
“My husband has his own bank account for his personal spending, so I don’t micromanage it, but something felt off.”
“I finally got my answer when I overheard a phone call between him and his sister. She was crying (fake crying, in my opinion) about how she was short on rent and desperately needed help. My husband, being the big-hearted guy he is, told her he’d send her the money right away.”
But the OP’s husband’s money sharing was much worse than she initially suspected.
“That’s when I checked his transactions and saw that he has been sending her hundreds, sometimes thousands of dollars every few months.”
“This wasn’t just a one-time thing; it was a pattern.”
“The worst part? The same day he sent her money, she posted pictures on social media flaunting a brand-new designer bag and eating at some fancy restaurant with her friends.”
“I scrolled back and realized this wasn’t the first time. Every time she cried to him about being ‘broke,’ she was posting about some shopping spree or night out right after.”
The OP and her husband had a terrible argument about the spending.
“I confronted my husband, and we had the biggest fight we’ve ever had in our marriage.”
“He kept insisting that she really needed help and that ‘family takes care of each other.'”
“I told him he’s not helping her and that he’s enabling her. I was furious that he was giving away our money to someone who was blatantly using him as a piggy bank.”
“I asked him point-blank if he had ever gotten a single dollar back.”
“He admitted she has never repaid him, despite constantly promising she would.”
“That’s when I lost it and told him that if he wanted to keep throwing money at his sister’s lifestyle, he could do it without me.”
“Now he’s upset, saying I’m being heartless and that ‘it’s just money.’ But it’s our money, and I feel completely betrayed that he’s been keeping this from me.”
“His sister, of course, is now playing the victim, saying I’m cruel for ‘coming between family.'”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some argued that funding the sister was hurting the OP’s financial future.
“I think this is called financial infidelity. I’d be seriously considering separation. He knew it was bad, otherwise he would have told you. He lied to your face for a LONG time.” – MintJulepTestosteron
“It sounds like you need to get your own bank account and stop commingling finances. Once he realizes he’s broke and you’re not and that she’s taking advantage of him, he’ll change his tune quickly.” – Oliver_and_Me
“Absolutely NTA, and if I were you, I’d count the savings down to the penny, take my complete investment out, and put it in a separate savings account.”
“If he wants to continue to be fooled, he can do it on his own. But he also needs to continue to pay his portion of all the home responsibilities and expenses!”
“Let him continue to be taken advantage of!” – jacksonlove3
“NTA. Even if you’re really well off then you’re still NTA because your husband’s sister is not spending the money wisely. His priorities should be saving money for retirement and college for your kids (if you have any).”
“Yes, you’re both relatively young but unless you’re really rich you should be putting money in an IRA of 401k to save for retirement and the tax benefits now plus it will have decades to grow if it’s invested properly.” – Sam9517
“NTA. I used to be your husband but it was my parents who I kept giving money to. My husband finally put his foot down. He did say he understood family helps family but this wasn’t the way.”
“He said we would help but it would be first by seeing their finances and help them set up a budget, and if they were short on something, we would pay that bill, but we wouldn’t give them the money directly.”
“GUESS WHAT. That is not what they wanted. They ended up filing for bankruptcy because they didn’t want our kind of help.”
“As having lived it, I would make that proposal to your husband, help his sister get back on her feet with a budget, and if need be, you would pay for specific bills. It’s hard, but this is the only way you stop the bleed, and it might wake your husband up to realize how his sister is using him if she wants anything but actual help.” – Cmkevnick6392
“NTA. He is so f**king stupid, he cannot see that his sister has been playing him and extorting him for years. He’s been paying for her lavish lifestyle and he cannot see what she is doing.”
“Tell him whatever money of yours he gave her, you want back immediately. Then divorce the useless id**t.” – winterworld561
Others agreed and urged the OP to show her husband the social media posts as evidence.
“Has he seen her social media posts? That might wake him up, especially tied with the dates he sent her money. He is a fool and needs a wake-up call.” – Status_Chocolate_305
“NTA. Separate finances immediately.”
“Now go through his bank statements and her socials. You already know the pattern but you need more dates and evidence to show your husband how she is scamming him and has been doing so for years.” – WinEquivalent4069
“NTA. Make another savings account and fill it with all the savings currently. Leave it at zero. And make sure he can’t have access to the new account.”
“Tell him she must provide a bill that she’s short on. Then, have her send proof of payment. Tell him he can use his money, not yours.”
“Also, I would look at her social media and screenshot the day, having her fun, and match with the missing money. Go as far back as you can possibly go, and save all these records for yourself.” – AnemosMaximum
“Did you show him the pictures? Stand firm, and tell him that from now on, you will keep track of finances, and if he sends her another penny without first receiving all he has sent her, he will be single.”
“Also, him telling his sister was already a d**k move, and I’d tell him his action is already making you want out of this toxic family.” – WinterFront1431
“Ask your husband, ‘Where’s MY designer purse and European vacation? Why aren’t I having fancy dinners and new clothes?’ NTA.” – Majestic_Register346
A few felt that this was a non-issue as long as the funds came out of the “husband’s money.”
“Is he taking the money out of his personal spending account? If he is, and you’ve agreed on your personal spending limits and he was within them, you should let it go. Yes, he’s being taken for a ride, he’s enabling, etc. but it’s his money to with as he pleases.”
“Is he taking the money from your joint savings account or unable to contribute as previously agreed to your joint accounts because he’s sending money to her instead? If that’s the situation, that’s financial infidelity and a major red flag.”
“The message he’s sending you is either he doesn’t really agree with how you’ve agreed to handle money and he’s going to do what he wants anyway. It’s disrespectful and in effect ‘cheating,’ or it’s okay if he goes against the agreements you’ve both made so long as he doesn’t get caught or you don’t find out, which is also disrespectful and ‘cheating.'”
“You might want to try a very honest conversation about how it seems he’s apparently choosing her over you, which is very disloyal, and if it’s just money, would he have an affair, hide it from you, and when he’s caught, call it ‘just sex’? If that doesn’t get his attention and he still doesn’t get the point, perhaps professional counseling will help.”
“Hiding things from you and in effect lying by omission is NOT acceptable!” – wolf_tiger_mama
“Wait. You said he is sending her money from his own personal account.”
“How is that your money? His discretionary account for his sundries are for him spending on stupid shit for himself, right? I am not seeing where this affects you if that is the case.” – Silvf0x
“I think one has to be fair here.”
“There is his money and family money. He can spend his money however he likes, as long as he makes the agreed contributions towards the family budget.”
“It sounds like he’s been neglecting that, and that’s a problem. However, his money is his, and if he wants to use it to help his sister out, I don’t think you have a right to interfere in that.” – Odd_instruction519
“So, I’m a little confused. You manage the finances, and your husband has his own separate bank account for his personal expenses. Is he using that bank account to give money to his sister?”
“I don’t know why he has a separate bank account, or how that account gets funded. Have you agreed on a specific ‘allowance’ for him to spend on personal things? If that money is intended to be for his discretionary, personal spending, if he chooses to spend it on his sister, why would you be upset?”
“Maybe I’m not following the flow of money here…” – cm-lawrence
“I have a slightly alternative view. I agree he’s been an id**tic enabler, first of all. Your husband has his own account for personal use that he is assumably free to do what he wants with it.”
“Let him enable her. You forcing him to go against his misguided notions will only make your relationship worse.”
“Ensure your personal finances and joint ones are in your control and he can’t touch them without your permission (or signature) Everything else, let him do what he wants.”
“His money, his choice to go broke. I have a feeling he knows what she’s doing but has been conditioned to be a pushover since childhood.” – Careless-Mammoth-944
While it can be kind to help a loved one with their financial problems, the best thing to do is to pay for an expense with receipts attached, rather than giving them money that can be spent on anything. It’s too easy for money to be spent on something else, to never pay the funds back, and to create resentment.
If the OP’s husband did not want his financial decisions to ruin his marriage, he might want to take a different approach with financially assisting his sister in the future.