Everyone has to decide how to manage their money, from when they will pay their bills, to what they spend the extra funds on.
When people disagree, it can cause a rift in the relationship, pointed out users of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Agreeable_Wheel_8188 and her sister had very different spending habits, and when she started to save up for a fun trip, her sister criticized her for wasting her money.
But when her sister turned around and needed money because she had not planned ahead, the Original Poster (OP) refused because of how she had been treated.
They asked the sub:
"AITAH for not helping my sister out financially after she called me irresponsible?"
The OP and her sister managed their money differently.
"My older sister and I have never really seen eye-to-eye about money."
"She is super careful, like she plans every dollar, and never does anything risky. Meanwhile, I am a little more relaxed and like to have fun."
The OP decided to save up money for a fun experience.
"A few months ago, I decided to start setting aside a little extra (about 2K) from some money I had on the Rolling Riches casino. It is not my main income or anything, but every now and then, when there is a little bump, I put part of it aside for fun stuff and part into savings."
"Honestly, it has been a huge mental win just having something on the side to fall back on."
"Last week, she found out I bought myself a weekend trip I have been wanting to take forever. Nothing crazy but hotels, flights, and some other small stuff."
The OP's sister criticized her for putting the money away for something "irresponsible."
"She immediately started lecturing me about how 'irresponsible' it was to spend that kind of money right now."
"Then two days later, she asked if I could help her cover a surprise expense she had."
"I told her no. Not because I could not afford it, but because, honestly, after the way she treated me, I did not feel like I owed her anything."
"Now my mom and a few relatives are saying family should always help family no matter what, and that I am being petty."
"But from my point of view, if you are going to call someone irresponsible, maybe do not ask them for a loan right after."
"Am I AITAH here?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she was free to spend her money how she wished, and if her sister couldn't respect it, she didn't need to benefit from it.
"I'm laughing at the fact that she called you irresponsible when it seems she is the irresponsible one here for not having some money saved up for 'unexpected' expenses."
"If she's as careful as you say with money, it's honestly suspicious that she now needs financial help. Also, NTA, it's your money." - YahtzeeFoxx
"The irony… it's actually responsible to save money for what you want, including creating fun budgets."
"But what she's at is expecting you to save your pennies so you can fund her shortfall."
"She can pound sand. She's putting her values on you when you have a different financial situation than her. NTA." - Snackinpenguin
"Do you mean the responsible person didn't do the responsible thing and had an emergency fund? Tsk, tsk. Hypocrisy, thy name is OP's sister. NTA. You are doing the responsible thing for yourself. Family usually does not pay back loans." - AdorableLeg2414
"NTA! She called YOU irresponsible and then needed financial help? Man, I would have laughed in her face. 'I find it irresponsible that you don't have a savings account for when emergencies come up.'"
"And I find it quite interesting that she suddenly had this 'surprise expense' come up after she found out you could afford a weekend away. I honestly don't buy it."
"Tell your mom and other relatives that THEY can help her out." - Ginger630
"You are absolutely being petty, but it's justifiable pettiness, which does make a large difference. If it's justifiable pettiness, it's called a lesson." - JazzlikeSmith1523
"NEVER loan money to family/friend/neighbor/co-worker if you must need that money paid back."
"People say they will, but only a small percentage do."
"If you need that money, it will negatively impact your relationship with the deadbeat." - name2name1
"Say, 'Unfortunately, I can no longer spend my money on irresponsible things. Thank you.'"
"NTA." - My_friends_are_toys
"It would be irresponsible to be her crutch, OP should encourage her to be responsible and save for surprise expenses like OP did." - Beth21286
"NTA. Don't share financials with anyone, including family. Ever."
"One exception is aging parents with whatever adult child/children/relatives/found family they trust as caretakers, and only if those potential caretakers have proven themselves trustworthy through observing their behavior. I'm well aware not everyone has that option, and either they have s**t family, or don't have siblings/kids. I ought to research those options myself, before my husband and I need it."
"Example: my parents gave me view access to their investment accounts when I was about 30 and they were about 60. It's a 'just in case' thing, and so I can monitor their general spending habits. One of my grandfather's early signs of dementia was significant changes in spending habits over the course of about five years."
"My dad and his next youngest brother have full access to my 94-year-old grandmother's finances. Dad does her taxes, and his brother takes care of things like going to the doctor with her and keeping all the siblings in the loop." - Accomplished_Pea6344
Others pointed out that the family could help the sister if they felt so passionate about the OP's spending habits.
"NTA. It's your money. Others complaining can give her money. The first ones to say 'family helps family' are usually the last to actually do so." - Quiet_Village_1425
"Tell your mom and other relatives to help your sister if they believe so strongly in family helping family." - elliottbtx
"Family members to OP: Family should always help Family."
"OP to Family members: I agree. How much have you given her?" - Usual-Canary-7764
"Let them give her money. But did anyone notice what I did?"
"She says this about her sister, 'She is super careful like she plans every dollar, never does anything risky.' If her sister is that careful with her money, she'd also be putting money aside for emergencies."
"If she can't cover one 'surprise expense,' she's not really careful. She just doesn't want anyone to know she's actually quite s**tty with her money." - melyssahb
"Nope. Even if you hadn't bought yourself something nice, you wouldn't have been the asshole to say no. It's YOUR money. Being family does NOT make you responsible for covering her expenses."
"You are NTA. Keep making good financial choices. Let other family members enable her poor ones." - CocoaAlmondsRock
"Her criticizing you is a power play to manipulate you in all aspects of your life. It's negging. to break down your self-worth and control you. You are NTA. Tell her she can get a loan or put it on a credit card."
"Seriously, dude... congrats on saving the extra money! I finally paid off a lifetime of debt about 8 years ago, and it was liberating. Like I could breathe again. And I've started saving, too. I have 12 months in the bank in case anything ever happens. Good luck, OP!" - frauleinsteve
"NTA. She's an adult, and she's fully responsible for her own finances. You don't owe her anything, especially not after how she's specifically been at you for your decisions around spending your own money."
"'I thought about what you said, and you were right, it would be incredibly irresponsible for me to spend that kind of money right now, sorry sis, but I don't have money for your expenses.'" - NopeNinjaSquirrel
"The boomer generation dying mottos will be 'family helps family no matter what' and 'be the bigger person.' My parents used to say s**t like that then I pointed out a ton of examples of how that mindset generally enables abuse and protects the abuser."
"It's been over 15 years since either has said those phrases because they now understand what it really means. You just do you and say it's irresponsible to not budget for surprise expenses." - Crazy4Swayze420
It was not escaping the subReddit just how ironic it was that the OP's "frugal" sister had criticized her not for spending on a trip, but for responsibly saving up for it, only to turn around days later, expecting her sister to give her money when an "unexpected" expense came up.
No expenses should really come as a surprise to someone who is "frugal" and "responsible," and if she was so responsible, she should have had an emergency fund in place that could cover for an emergency or "surprise" expense.
It's understandable if a person doesn't have the excess funds to be able to build an emergency fund, but if they're going to pronounce themselves as financially responsible and frugal, and if they're going to shame other people for what they're spending their money on, then they should probably walk the walk and save the savings if they're going to talk the talk.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp