Though some are taught more than others about money, savings, and financial management while they grow up, everyone has to go through a learning period when they first live on their own.
If they have too much help with planning and finances, it's impossible for them to learn how to independently care for themselves, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
After their parents died, Redditor Previous_Ganache8477 provided financial support for his younger sister when she went off to college and had a part-time job.
But when he found out that he was supporting her unemployed boyfriend as much, if not more, than her, the Original Poster (OP) considered financially cutting her off.
He asked the sub:
"Am I the a**hole for cutting off my sister financially after finding out her unemployed boyfriend is benefitting from my money?"
The OP had been financially supporting his younger sister.
"My sister (23 Female) works as a cashier and earns barely above the minimum wage in our state, so I (30 Male) have been supporting her financially."
"I pay half her rent and her utilities, and I regularly send extra money for things like groceries, hair appointments, or whatever she needs money for."
"I never really minded because I earn about four times what she does, and we're all we have since our parents died."
When his sister mysteriously started asking for money, the OP was concerned.
"About five months ago, she started asking for money much more often. She always had a reason, and I sent her money without question because I wanted her to feel I would always help her out."
"Then last week, I ran into her at a club with a guy, Jake (27 Male), who she introduced as her boyfriend."
"When I asked how long they had been together, she said a few months, which surprised me, since I knew nothing about it. She got evasive and annoyed when I asked her more questions. That made me uneasy."
"I just wanted to make sure my sister was with someone decent, you know? So I called one of her friends the next day and asked about Jake."
"The friend didn't have a high opinion of Jake. She told me Jake has been basically unemployed for over two years because he can't keep a job. He moved in with my sister four months ago after they had only been dating for a month. He stays home while my sister goes to work, and isn't really doing much to get a job."
"I knew nothing about this. I have been paying rent for an apartment where he lives without contributing anything. I also realized that my sister's increased requests for money lined up with when he moved in with her, which means most of it has probably been going to him."
The OP wasn't sure whether to continue to support his younger sister.
"I confronted my sister about it. She said she didn't tell me about the relationship because it was still developing."
"I told her I would stop covering half the rent going forward since she now has a roommate who should pay the other half. I will still pay the utilities, but I am cutting back on any extra cash."
"She got upset and asked how she was supposed to manage on her income."
"I pointed out that she now has a partner. Surely he can subsidize."
"She told me he does not have a job. I responded that maybe it was time he got serious about finding one."
"I made it clear I didn't trust the guy. Someone being comfortable depending on her so early in a relationship felt like he was taking advantage."
"She accused me of being judgmental, saying he is just going through a rough patch and needs her support until he can get back up."
"She also accused me of trying to control her life because I help her out financially, and I have no right to meddle in her personal life. We have not spoken in days, and now I feel conflicted."
"I genuinely believe he is using her, and she's using my support to enable it. I am not trying to control her life, but I don't like her being taken advantage of."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that he was trying to help his sister, not a random boyfriend.
"NTA. Cut her totally off financially. She is an adult and living with an adult. Time for them both to live their own lives on their own." - RJack151
"You need to be firm with her, no rent money, no extra money, and starting next month, no utility money. Restaurants, cleaning services, grocery stores, and food delivery companies are always hiring."
"Jake could get a job if he wanted, but he doesn't. She has a boyfriend/roommate, so he can pay his half of everything."
"I bet the increase in money requests wasn't just for food; they were also for his cell phone, gaming subscription, and new clothes. Maybe even his car payment, gas, and insurance. You weren't just helping her, you were outright paying for him."
"Your sister basically stole from you, time to turn off the money tap. Permanently. Do you really think this is the first time she lied about supporting a deadbeat boyfriend?" - Classic_Ad3987
"NTA. I get irrationally irritated when my sister reports she's having financial problems, and I know she has a boyfriend of many years."
"It's not your job to pay for a grown-a** man to lay around all day. If your sister is willing to give up financial help for a literal bum, that's on her."
"I was young and dumb and letting a man live off of me when I was her age too, but no one was footing the bills except me." - Main-Yogurtcloset242
"The minute she tells him her money backer has cut her off, he'll be gone! Hopefully! Because she is being used by a hobosexual, and that's his job: living off women."
"I've seen this happen and experienced this myself, but only once. Never again! I had to go out of town for my job, told him he has one week to either get a job or find somewhere else to live."
"When I got back, he had stolen a check out of the box of checks I had in my desk. He emptied out my checking account. I filed charges against him immediately, but he had fled the state."
"She needs to wake up, and cutting her off financially is a good start. She needs to do something with her life, and hopefully, she'll learn her lesson. She's 23 years old, and it's time for her to be an adult and stop being dependent on her brother."
"OP, you're not doing your sister any favors by enabling her. In fact, it's crippling her, stunting her progress in life where she can take care of herself." - OkieLady-1952
"I think it's lovely that you take care of your little sister financially and want to protect her. It seems to me that she is working hard and not living the high life off of you. She is well within her rights to go to the club with the money you gave her, since it's her money now, and because having a little fun is absolutely a basic psychological need. The club is not really the problem here; the boyfriend is."
"Obviously, the guy has to go, not just because he is spending your money, but because he is manipulating your (very young) sister and being extremely toxic to her. I think that's why she is on the edge, accused you of things, and came on aggressively to you."
"You were right to stop paying half the rent after he moved in. I would keep an eye on things, just to make sure he doesn't end up making your sister take a second job in order to cover his share, or doesn't end up being violent toward her, etc."
"If helping support her is something you feel less comfortable with because of this situation, one thing you can maybe do going forward is to switch from 'gift' to 'investment.' Telling her she is a capable adult now, and you would love to invest in her future, expecting returns."
"It could be that the money you will not be spending on her half-rent anymore, you will instead put in a specific blocked account that she can use once she wants to buy a house/car, or anything else in that line. Something that is supportive of her, but 1. is conditioned to her moving forward with her life (if that's something you feel she should do/she is in a position to do) and 2. doesn't enable the hobo boyfriend."
"'Gift money' is something you're not entitled to, indeed, control what she does with it. Investment money, you are. Those boundaries should be clear for you and for her!" - ragond1n
Others pointed out that the OP's sister needed to learn the important life lessons of money management and making it on her own.
"I learned a very valuable lesson in my early 20s when I hit the wall financially and had to change my ways to slowly dig my way out of the place I'd put myself in. Nothing could have taught me what I learned from that other than being in that situation and needing to work my way out of it."
"Honestly, if someone had bailed me out, they would have robbed me of that important lesson and the subsequent life skill I built coming out of it."
"You are setting your sister up to not know how to adult, and it's already having repercussions."
"You are teaching her that love is mooching and not requiring responsibility from the other person. She is mooching off of you, and he is mooching off of her."
"Love in this scenario is being supplied money and not being required to take responsibility. Not a good cycle to create." - Yellow_Blue_Jet
"It's not unusual to financially support younger relatives with today's job market and cost of living. I'm in my 30s now and financially independent, but needed parental support until my mid 20s while I was studying and looking for work."
"I never took that support for granted and was working hard to get to a point of independence, though. If you feel that your generosity is being taken advantage of and don't want to enable your sister wasting money on her deadbeat boyfriend, then it's your prerogative." - brvtus
"You're a kind person, and you sound like you have yourself together enough to want to be generous. But generosity can sometimes hurt the person you give to. There is sometimes a dark side to accepting financial help, where they come to expect, or even feel entitled to it, in a very short amount of time."
"For that reason, I think it should come with a timeline and financial review. When the help and financial gifts first started, and periodically, you should have sat down with her and taught her how to manage a budget and cut back your aid."
"It's good that you are cutting back now. She was treating you like a bank account and not like a sibling. She intentionally didn't tell you about her relationship, either because you aren't as close as you think, or she knew you would not approve of him." - kiwipoppy
"Two years is a LONG rough patch. Who was supporting him before the sister?"
"Last year was a real rough patch for me. I'm self-employed, and my business took a huge nosedive due to multiple factors I can't control: tariffs, the overall economy, and AI taking a lot of jobs I used to do. I had to use my savings to pay bills for several months in a row. I knew that wasn't sustainable."
"So, I took action. I looked into different kinds of work. I took on freelance jobs that had nothing to do with my business. When I got really desperate in November, I signed up for Instacart and started delivering groceries."
"So for this guy to have no income for two years... someone is always supporting his a**."
"The OP's sister needs to learn how to take care of herself, and her boyfriend needs to learn how to provide. Neither of them will learn anything as long as they know the OP has their backs." - vrccraftauthor
"The sister needs to learn how to deal with money and general life skills so that she can be more self-reliant. I honestly wish I had been pushed harder when I was her age because there's going to be a time when help might not be available, and if she takes out a payday loan or a credit card, she's going to bury herself."
"It's been overly nice of OP to help her like this, but he's doing her no favors for the future!"
"And if she has kids with this guy, the financial problems will really be out of control, no matter what!" - Ksjonesy2418
The subReddit could totally understand the OP's desire to care for his sister after their parents died and to make sure that she was okay and provided for.
But how much the OP was willing to help had to have a limit, not just for his sake but for his sister and her developing independence, and that limit did not include a freeloader boyfriend.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp