Though some are taught more than others about money, savings, and financial management while they grow up, everyone has to go through a learning period when they first live on their own.
If they have too much help with planning and finances, it’s impossible for them to learn how to independently care for themselves, pointed out the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
After their parents died, Redditor Previous_Ganache8477 provided financial support for his younger sister when she went off to college and had a part-time job.
But when he found out that he was supporting her unemployed boyfriend as much, if not more, than her, the Original Poster (OP) considered financially cutting her off.
He asked the sub:
“Am I the a**hole for cutting off my sister financially after finding out her unemployed boyfriend is benefitting from my money?”
The OP had been financially supporting his younger sister.
“My sister (23 Female) works as a cashier and earns barely above the minimum wage in our state, so I (30 Male) have been supporting her financially.”
“I pay half her rent and her utilities, and I regularly send extra money for things like groceries, hair appointments, or whatever she needs money for.”
“I never really minded because I earn about four times what she does, and we’re all we have since our parents died.”
When his sister mysteriously started asking for money, the OP was concerned.
“About five months ago, she started asking for money much more often. She always had a reason, and I sent her money without question because I wanted her to feel I would always help her out.”
“Then last week, I ran into her at a club with a guy, Jake (27 Male), who she introduced as her boyfriend.”
“When I asked how long they had been together, she said a few months, which surprised me, since I knew nothing about it. She got evasive and annoyed when I asked her more questions. That made me uneasy.”
“I just wanted to make sure my sister was with someone decent, you know? So I called one of her friends the next day and asked about Jake.”
“The friend didn’t have a high opinion of Jake. She told me Jake has been basically unemployed for over two years because he can’t keep a job. He moved in with my sister four months ago after they had only been dating for a month. He stays home while my sister goes to work, and isn’t really doing much to get a job.”
“I knew nothing about this. I have been paying rent for an apartment where he lives without contributing anything. I also realized that my sister’s increased requests for money lined up with when he moved in with her, which means most of it has probably been going to him.”
The OP wasn’t sure whether to continue to support his younger sister.
“I confronted my sister about it. She said she didn’t tell me about the relationship because it was still developing.”
“I told her I would stop covering half the rent going forward since she now has a roommate who should pay the other half. I will still pay the utilities, but I am cutting back on any extra cash.”
“She got upset and asked how she was supposed to manage on her income.”
“I pointed out that she now has a partner. Surely he can subsidize.”
“She told me he does not have a job. I responded that maybe it was time he got serious about finding one.”
“I made it clear I didn’t trust the guy. Someone being comfortable depending on her so early in a relationship felt like he was taking advantage.”
“She accused me of being judgmental, saying he is just going through a rough patch and needs her support until he can get back up.”
“She also accused me of trying to control her life because I help her out financially, and I have no right to meddle in her personal life. We have not spoken in days, and now I feel conflicted.”
“I genuinely believe he is using her, and she’s using my support to enable it. I am not trying to control her life, but I don’t like her being taken advantage of.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that he was trying to help his sister, not a random boyfriend.
“NTA. Cut her totally off financially. She is an adult and living with an adult. Time for them both to live their own lives on their own.” – RJack151
“You need to be firm with her, no rent money, no extra money, and starting next month, no utility money. Restaurants, cleaning services, grocery stores, and food delivery companies are always hiring.”
“Jake could get a job if he wanted, but he doesn’t. She has a boyfriend/roommate, so he can pay his half of everything.”
“I bet the increase in money requests wasn’t just for food; they were also for his cell phone, gaming subscription, and new clothes. Maybe even his car payment, gas, and insurance. You weren’t just helping her, you were outright paying for him.”
“Your sister basically stole from you, time to turn off the money tap. Permanently. Do you really think this is the first time she lied about supporting a deadbeat boyfriend?” – Classic_Ad3987
“NTA. I get irrationally irritated when my sister reports she’s having financial problems, and I know she has a boyfriend of many years.”
“It’s not your job to pay for a grown-a** man to lay around all day. If your sister is willing to give up financial help for a literal bum, that’s on her.”
“I was young and dumb and letting a man live off of me when I was her age too, but no one was footing the bills except me.” – Main-Yogurtcloset242
“The minute she tells him her money backer has cut her off, he’ll be gone! Hopefully! Because she is being used by a hobosexual, and that’s his job: living off women.”
“I’ve seen this happen and experienced this myself, but only once. Never again! I had to go out of town for my job, told him he has one week to either get a job or find somewhere else to live.”
“When I got back, he had stolen a check out of the box of checks I had in my desk. He emptied out my checking account. I filed charges against him immediately, but he had fled the state.”
“She needs to wake up, and cutting her off financially is a good start. She needs to do something with her life, and hopefully, she’ll learn her lesson. She’s 23 years old, and it’s time for her to be an adult and stop being dependent on her brother.”
“OP, you’re not doing your sister any favors by enabling her. In fact, it’s crippling her, stunting her progress in life where she can take care of herself.” – OkieLady-1952
“I think it’s lovely that you take care of your little sister financially and want to protect her. It seems to me that she is working hard and not living the high life off of you. She is well within her rights to go to the club with the money you gave her, since it’s her money now, and because having a little fun is absolutely a basic psychological need. The club is not really the problem here; the boyfriend is.”
“Obviously, the guy has to go, not just because he is spending your money, but because he is manipulating your (very young) sister and being extremely toxic to her. I think that’s why she is on the edge, accused you of things, and came on aggressively to you.”
“You were right to stop paying half the rent after he moved in. I would keep an eye on things, just to make sure he doesn’t end up making your sister take a second job in order to cover his share, or doesn’t end up being violent toward her, etc.”
“If helping support her is something you feel less comfortable with because of this situation, one thing you can maybe do going forward is to switch from ‘gift’ to ‘investment.’ Telling her she is a capable adult now, and you would love to invest in her future, expecting returns.”
“It could be that the money you will not be spending on her half-rent anymore, you will instead put in a specific blocked account that she can use once she wants to buy a house/car, or anything else in that line. Something that is supportive of her, but 1. is conditioned to her moving forward with her life (if that’s something you feel she should do/she is in a position to do) and 2. doesn’t enable the hobo boyfriend.”
“‘Gift money’ is something you’re not entitled to, indeed, control what she does with it. Investment money, you are. Those boundaries should be clear for you and for her!” – ragond1n
Others pointed out that the OP’s sister needed to learn the important life lessons of money management and making it on her own.
“I learned a very valuable lesson in my early 20s when I hit the wall financially and had to change my ways to slowly dig my way out of the place I’d put myself in. Nothing could have taught me what I learned from that other than being in that situation and needing to work my way out of it.”
“Honestly, if someone had bailed me out, they would have robbed me of that important lesson and the subsequent life skill I built coming out of it.”
“You are setting your sister up to not know how to adult, and it’s already having repercussions.”
“You are teaching her that love is mooching and not requiring responsibility from the other person. She is mooching off of you, and he is mooching off of her.”
“Love in this scenario is being supplied money and not being required to take responsibility. Not a good cycle to create.” – Yellow_Blue_Jet
“It’s not unusual to financially support younger relatives with today’s job market and cost of living. I’m in my 30s now and financially independent, but needed parental support until my mid 20s while I was studying and looking for work.”
“I never took that support for granted and was working hard to get to a point of independence, though. If you feel that your generosity is being taken advantage of and don’t want to enable your sister wasting money on her deadbeat boyfriend, then it’s your prerogative.” – brvtus
“You’re a kind person, and you sound like you have yourself together enough to want to be generous. But generosity can sometimes hurt the person you give to. There is sometimes a dark side to accepting financial help, where they come to expect, or even feel entitled to it, in a very short amount of time.”
“For that reason, I think it should come with a timeline and financial review. When the help and financial gifts first started, and periodically, you should have sat down with her and taught her how to manage a budget and cut back your aid.”
“It’s good that you are cutting back now. She was treating you like a bank account and not like a sibling. She intentionally didn’t tell you about her relationship, either because you aren’t as close as you think, or she knew you would not approve of him.” – kiwipoppy
“Two years is a LONG rough patch. Who was supporting him before the sister?”
“Last year was a real rough patch for me. I’m self-employed, and my business took a huge nosedive due to multiple factors I can’t control: tariffs, the overall economy, and AI taking a lot of jobs I used to do. I had to use my savings to pay bills for several months in a row. I knew that wasn’t sustainable.”
“So, I took action. I looked into different kinds of work. I took on freelance jobs that had nothing to do with my business. When I got really desperate in November, I signed up for Instacart and started delivering groceries.”
“So for this guy to have no income for two years… someone is always supporting his a**.”
“The OP’s sister needs to learn how to take care of herself, and her boyfriend needs to learn how to provide. Neither of them will learn anything as long as they know the OP has their backs.” – vrccraftauthor
“The sister needs to learn how to deal with money and general life skills so that she can be more self-reliant. I honestly wish I had been pushed harder when I was her age because there’s going to be a time when help might not be available, and if she takes out a payday loan or a credit card, she’s going to bury herself.”
“It’s been overly nice of OP to help her like this, but he’s doing her no favors for the future!”
“And if she has kids with this guy, the financial problems will really be out of control, no matter what!” – Ksjonesy2418
The subReddit could totally understand the OP’s desire to care for his sister after their parents died and to make sure that she was okay and provided for.
But how much the OP was willing to help had to have a limit, not just for his sake but for his sister and her developing independence, and that limit did not include a freeloader boyfriend.