Feeling secure in your own home is important. With roommates, that can sometimes be tricky to achieve.
Setting clear boundaries is one step to take. Another can be having good locks.
A roommate who got a good lock turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after their roommate objected.
PensionEfficient3823 asked:
“AITA for changing the lock on my bedroom in a shared apartment without my roommate’s permission?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I’ve been sharing an apartment with another woman for about three months now. We didn’t know each other well before moving in, but we had a mutual friend.”
“She actually asked me to move in because her previous roommate was leaving, and at the time I was really struggling to find a place. I had checked a lot of rooms, but either they were too expensive or just didn’t feel right.”
“When she offered, I went to see the apartment and agreed pretty quickly.”
“At the beginning, she was very nice, and honestly I felt grateful because she helped me when I needed a place. Because of that, I ignored a lot of small things.”
“She would come into my room without asking, lie on my bed, walk around the apartment barefoot and then sit on my bed with the same feet. She also helped herself to my snacks and used my things.”
“A couple of times I tried to say it lightly, like joking, that I can’t sleep if someone sits on my bed, but she would just laugh it off and keep doing it. Over time, it started bothering me more.”
“I wasn’t trying to fight, so I avoided being harsh. But I began locking my room whenever I left the apartment.”
“She didn’t say anything about that, but when I came back sometimes, I had this strong feeling that someone had been in my room. I finally asked her directly if she had a key to my room.”
“She got defensive and said I was being paranoid and imagining things, so I dropped it.”
“A few weeks later, when she went out with friends, I asked a friend of mine (who does this kind of work) to change the lock on my bedroom door. I just wanted to feel safe in my own space.”
“A few days later, while I was at work, she started sending me angry messages saying I changed the lock without her ‘permission,’ that I disrespected her, and that building staff had questioned her about it. When I got home, she immediately started yelling, saying she never should’ve let me move in and that I had no right to make changes.”
“I told her calmly that it’s my room, and I changed the lock because I didn’t feel safe. She then said she had talked to management and that I have to move out.”
“That didn’t sit right with me, so the next day I went to the building office myself. The staff told me she already had complaints against her from previous roommates, including bullying and theft.”
“They also confirmed I was allowed to change the lock on my private room and that I hadn’t broken any rules. After that, I officially filed a complaint against her.”
“The very next day, a notice was issued to her. Since then, she hasn’t said much to me directly, but the atmosphere in the apartment is very tense.”
“This place works really well for me in terms of price, location, so despite the tension, I feel safer and more at peace now that my boundaries are protected.”
“AITA for filing the complaint?”
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
“She gave me the place when I was struggling and I felt I might be selfish for protecting my boundaries.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. Your private space in a shared home is YOUR private space. It’s obvious to you now that she viewed your space as her space and had zero respect for your boundaries.”
“And now you also know she’s stolen from previous roommates, so it was wise for you to protect your property.”
“Good for you for speaking with the property management so you know where you stand as far as their rules.” ~ wanderingstorm
“I remember when I changed the password on my phone. This was in adulthood by then and Mum had sent me down to the orchard to water her plants. I didn’t know it at the time, but every time I was sent out to do something away from my phone, she was invading my privacy.”
“I came back after completing the task, to find her seething and she pretended there was something wrong with her phone involving calling so she could watch me put the new password in.”
“As soon as she left the room, I changed it again and all the pieces came together. NTA.” ~ louisa1925
“How would she have known that the OP had changed the lock, if she wasn’t trying to open the door and get into her room? Unless it was super obvious visually from a distance or something.” ~ phoenixink
“The sense of entitlement shown by people like this is wild. ‘How dare you try to keep me from invading your privacy and going through your belongings?’.” ~ CaliLemonEater
“NTA, she’s just mad she finally got called on her BS. Keep your safety in mind, but if you can deal with the tension, I would just keep living there.” ~ egghead6468
“NTA. Follow up with management and ask how many complaints until she is kicked out. Find a better roommate at that point.” ~ Grrrmudgin
“NTA. So the building staff was doing their annual “lock check” just after you changed the lock? What a coincidence…”
“You called her bluff and it backfired on her. Sometimes it’s better to let the bomb burst than to sit in no man’s land. Now you know where to stand with her. Don’t let that bully and thief in your room.” ~ First-Industry4762
“NTA. ‘The staff told me she already had complaints against her from previous roommates, including bullying and theft.’ As well as bullying and theft, you can add ‘liar’ to her charge sheet.”
“She claimed ‘building staff had questioned her about it’. No, they didn’t. You changed the lock on an internal door. Management couldn’t possibly have known you’d done that. There was no reason for them to question her. And even when you did tell them yourself, they said it’s fine.”
“This woman sounds unhinged. Stay out of her way as much as you can, and start looking around for another place to live.”
“Having had her plans frustrated in one direction, it would not surprise me in the least if she’s planning on invading your privacy or safety in some other manner, such as installing a hidden camera in the bathroom or altering your food. You’re better off out of there.” ~ ThisWillAgeWell
“NTA, she brought it upon herself. Document her behaviour and report anything even close to harassment, maybe you will be the one to pick a new roommate this time.” ~ jeremyism_ab
“NTA, good on you for stepping up and setting clear boundaries. Your roomate is an inconsiderate, self-centered AH.” ~ Luebbi
“When my son was in college, we bought a house in the college town (much cheaper for a variety of reasons than an apartment). His friends, whom we/he had known since grade school were his roommates.”
“However, even though everyone knew everyone, we felt that each renter deserved their own personal space so we installed locks on each bedroom door. Worked great.” ~ Melvin_T_Cat
“You did everything right. You are a tenant, with rights—she was probably snooping/stealing your things, as she has done with previous roommates.”
“You were right to switch the lock, she tried to threaten you.” ~ Mesapholis
“She sounds like a roommate I had once. She would go into my room and help herself to my clothing and cosmetics until I put a lock on my door. NTA.” ~ Radiant-Couple5412
“NTA for filling the complaint, but you’re naive if you’re wondering if you’re an AH here because that shouldn’t even be a question. You should instead be worrying about how to secure all of your belongings because you’re living with a thief.”
“Get a lock box for the fridge and pantry or store all your food in your room. The same goes for your bathroom products. Anything you leave out may get stolen.” ~ RecordingNo7280
“NTA for your feelings as far as your comfort level and wanting privacy, changing the lock and not just taking her at her word about the management company and speaking to them for yourself and filing a complaint to document the issue.”
“But you should set boundaries from the beginning, not choose to ignore small things, not allow her to do things in your room that you did not feel comfortable with, and not address things head on to deal with them.”
“If you run away and avoid issues, they don’t go away, so you have to face them and deal with them. You may not like fighting or confrontation but—and I’m not trying to sound mean when I say this—this is part of being an adult and you’re going to have to get more used to that.”
“Otherwise people will take advantage of you and you’ll have problems in situations for the rest of your life. Nothing you can do about the past, what’s done is done.”
“But you have now asserted your boundary and you did good. Don’t worry about whether it’s tense in the apartment or not, that’s her problem that she’s upset, not yours.”
“As far as her eating your snacks, I would suggest keeping all of your snacks in your room and if there are perishable items of yours that she seems to use, get a mini fridge and freezer and keep those in your room as well.”
“Only take them out when you’re going to the kitchen to cook/prepare them and then put them back in your room. The cost will be worth it.”
“Also, I wouldn’t leave anything out that she could put rat poison in… Only half kidding on that.” ~ flynena-3
Whether the OP chooses to continue living here or not is something they should question more than if it’s wrong to protect themselves and set firm boundaries.