No good deed goes unpunished. Or maybe a better saying might be beggars can't be choosers.
The former speaks to the best intentions blowing up in a person's face.
The latter speaks to entitlement when receiving free or low-cost help is a bad look.
A homeowner who decided to help a friend in need and now regrets it turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit for feedback.
RoommateHouseDrama asked:
"AITA for not giving my roommate more space?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (29, female) am a homeowner. I inherited a 3-bedroom house after my Aunt died of cancer two years ago. She had no children, and we were close, so it was a no-brainer that she'd leave it to me."
"I spent the first year after the house passed to me renovating it and making it feel like mine."
"It was around the time this finished that my friend (29, female) had to leave her boyfriend's flat after they broke up and she didn't have a backup plan. I let her move in with me and told her she was of course welcome to stay."
"I gave her the second largest bedroom, which is 13 square meters, with its own bathroom. I have the master bedroom, and the box room is my office as I work from home."
"I told her that the bedroom she had was her space and to decorate it however she wanted. Beyond that, she had access to all communal areas of the house, the living room, the kitchen, and the garden."
"The only places I asked her not to go were my bedroom (if uninvited), my office, and the loft, which I'd renovated into my D&D room. I'm a DM and my party meets every Saturday to play."
"Despite not charging her rent, I had an agreement written up so we were both clear. I'm kind, not stupid."
"It's been a year and I thought things were going well. I don't charge her rent; my only request is that she split the utility bills and groceries bill."
"I had a few rules, but nothing insane. A heads up if she had an overnight guest, no loud noise after 11pm on a weekday, and to keep her own space clean."
"She has randomly told me yesterday that she needs more space. That it's not fair she only has her bedroom, bathroom, and the communal areas while I have my bedroom, bathroom, office, loft, and communal areas."
"I was shocked. She'd never expressed any unhappiness with this layout that I'd noticed."
"I told her that, yeah, I had more space, but she had to keep in mind it was my house, and I'd set up these spaces for me before she even came to stay."
"She got upset with this and said I was being unfair and we need to rethink the layout of the house."
"This has made me a bit uncomfortable. I let her stay when she had nowhere else to go, and I was happy to give her free control over her own space, but I can't help but feel this is rather ridiculous."
"AITA?"
The OP later added:
"I care about her a great deal. I was happy to help her out and give her a space to stay."
"The money isn't really needed for me and I'm fine paying the property tax alone as she chips in in her own ways through utility and groceries. I'm lucky, thanks to my Aunt, I have both a house for life and a nice little nest egg."
"It seemed right to sort of 'pay it forward,' you know? But I'm seriously rethinking my generosity now."
"Squatters Rights isn't a thing in my country, thankfully, not the way it is in America. To succeed, a squatter must occupy the property continuously without permission for a minimum of 10 to 12 years while acting as the owner."
"As she doesn't pay rent, she has no rights at all. All I need to do is give her 4 weeks' notice if I want her out."
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I could be the a**hole I guess as I have so much room compared to her and haven't checked in that she is OK with this."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. You need to encourage her to move on."
"She now thinks she's entitled to dictate living arrangements in someone else's house. That genie cannot be returned to the bottle."
"And sad to say, but this friendship is probably over." ~ subsailor1968
"No decent friend would dare ask for more space in that situation." ~ KingsRansom79
"The girl is delusional, acting like she's OP's life-partner while mooching for free."
"Time for her to live on her own. A perfect case of biting the hand that feeds you, too bloody common." ~ GraceOfTheNorth
"Yeah, if I didn't have to pay rent, I'd be afraid of doing anything that might piss my free ride off."
"As they say, no good deed goes unpunished."
"It's easier said than done, OP, but I would tell her this arrangement is no longer working, and give her a month to move out. Tell her she can have all the space she wants, just in a different home." ~ LookAwayPlease510
"Without paying rent? No, no, no…time for her to face real life. Sounds like this was initially a temporary solution for her situation. Now she's way too entitled. Time to go. NTA." ~ rainyhawk
"Even paying rent wouldn't make this okay. The owner of the house decides which areas are communal and which aren't." ~ BobMortimersButthole
"Someone else's house, and she doesn't even pay rent! That's some entitled BS. Definitely time for her to move out so she can have more space that she actually pays for." ~ Worldly-Grade5439
"Talk to her and say, 'I completely agree that you need your own space. Have you found somewhere to move into that gives you that space? I realise that you must have been saving all that money from no rent so you must be able to afford somewhere of your own by now, right?'."
"Be clever about this. She is a grown woman, living rent-free in a house where she has full access to communal areas and her very large bedroom and ensuite, but that isn't enough."
"Good luck to her! Time for her to move on."
"You're NTA by the way. She is. And being very rude about it too!" ~ Powerful_Put_6977
"Yeah, this is one choosy f*cking beggar."
"You want a clean roommate who won't complain about a single thing and who will role-play the hell out of anything you need? I will take her spot in a heartbeat."
"I am even a great baker!" ~ EfficientDismal
"Just adding on to this OP, but this was a huge (and remarkably entitled) ask that is character-defining. Don't let her shift things back to normal."
"She's got resentment and jealousy growing, and it appears that she is the sort to try to take a mile for any foot you give."
"It's 100% time that she moves on. Give her notice for her to move on."
"I'd say to be aware that you're likely to lose this friendship, but really, I think that you already lost it. A friend would not ask for this while receiving such a huge gift." ~ Convenient-Enemy-511
"NTA she's not even paying rent, and demanding more space?"
"Absolutely not. If she's unhappy with the current setup, she's welcome to move out and go live elsewhere."
"If she wants 50% of the house space, then she can pay 50% of the market rate for a similar home, plus her share of utilities and groceries." ~ Jerseygirl2468
"Does she think she's on the deed or something?"
How does a person who only pays for utilities (half!) come up with this idea?"
"There is no WE, roommate."
"WE will not be rethinking the layout."
"NTA." ~ sweetT333
"So, she's staying rent-free, with an en-suite bathroom, and now decides she gets to say that isn't good enough or 'fair'. The entitlement of some people shocks me."
"NTA. You should tell her she can get her own place with as much space as she is willing to pay for and she'll find out how much space she can afford!" ~ Narfie_
"NTA, you've been incredibly generous, and you don't deserve this entitlement and ungratefulness. I wouldn't blame you if you didn't want to continue living with her after this." ~ needysublustydom1
"If I had someone so generous as to house me for a share of utility bills and groceries with nothing expected of me apart from keeping clean and tidy, boy oh boy, I would be the dream housemate!"
"I'd make dinner for my 'landlord' on the regular with enough leftovers to have for lunch the next day, weekend brunches, and the occasional baked good. The toilets would be mirror-shiny clean daily. The laundry room and pantry would be Instagram decanted, rotated, and arranged into aesthetically matching cannisters."
"I would be so much of an asset to live with that the gravy train of free rent would never end! And here she is, shooting herself in the foot. That's just stupid." ~ Professional_Ruin953
Apparently the phenomenon of ingratitude coupled with entitlement is common enough that there's a subReddit for it called Choosing Beggars.
It sounds like OP's houseguest has outgrown her space.
Time for her to move on to larger, no-longer-free accommodations.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.