Being in possession of a secret can be a very dangerous place to be.
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, the privileged information you've been given could still inadvertently spill out.
Then too, while you are supposedly helping someone by keeping this information to yourself, you may also discover you have hurt someone in doing so as well.
Keeping yourself in an unfortunate situation in the process.
Redditor AcrobaticPut7838 lived with her boyfriend and his two daughters.
While it was an adjustment for all, the original poster (OP) slowly began to develop a strong relationship with her stepdaughters.
Resulting in the OP living up to a promise to her older stepdaughter and keeping a secret from her boyfriend.
Even though her boyfriend was not at all pleased when he eventually learned she did so.
Having doubts about how she handled things, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The a**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not telling my partner something his 14yr old daughter told me in confidence?"
The OP explained why she felt it was important to live up to her promise and keep her stepdaughter's secret:
"My (40yr - M[ale]) partner and myself (39yr - F[emale]) have been together for almost 5yrs, and have been living together with his daughters (14 - F let's call her Laura & 11 - female let's call her Ali) and my daughter (6 - F) for about 2 years now."
"As the 'stepmother' of the 2 girls, things haven't always been easy, but we are still learning every day and working together."
"My partner knows that I give the girls their space, but rules do apply in our household, which sometimes can cause some friction, mainly between eldest and myself.'
"Laura has, like so many girls her age, started to show an interest in boys."
"She has communicated to us that she likes a certain boy (14 M - let's call him Rob)."
"She is pretty smitten en loves telling us about him."
"My partner however isn't a fan of this young boy."
"My partner knows Rob's dad and his experiences with him weren't so nice."
"Because of this, he stated that Rob probably isn't a great match for her and she shouldn't be wasting her time with him."
"She is 14 and this is clearly puppy love."
"Laura was pretty upset with her dad's statement but she kind of let it go."
"Now to the real issue."
"Up to last weekend, Laura has never really confided in me about specific things that are important to her."
"She sometimes has, but that would have been things that she told her dad as well."
"Last weekend however Laura and myself went to and event together, just the two of us."
"While we were there, she opened up to me about Rob and they are kind of a little thing."
"You could tell she was very nervous but also very excited about this."
"She however, asked me specific to not tell her dad YET."
"She said she wanted to wait and see if she still liked Rob in a few weeks and would tell dad herself after these few weeks."
"She stated that because of his reaction last time, she didn't feel comfortable telling him yet, which I totally understand."
"I told her that I wouldn't tell dad, because Laura wasn't in any danger, nothing would change and it wasn't life altering."
"I did however tell her that she should tell him eventually, after a few weeks."
"She said she would."
"Yesterday, Ali let it slip by accident, that Laura had a boyfriend (Rob)."
"My partner was shocked and asked if this was true."
"He now is upset with me because I didn't tell him about this."
"I really didn't want to damage her trust, especially since this was the first time she really opened up to me."
"My partner also doesn't understand that the reason Laura didn't want to say anything to him, was because of his earlier statements."
"Now he isn't speaking to me, nor is he speaking to Laura because of all of this."
"Now I don't want to make this about me, but I am also a little upset with my partner because of his reaction."
"He know how hard I try to be a good stepmum and connect with his/the girls."
"For the first time now I finally feel like Laura let me 'in', and he gets mad about it."
"Sorry if my English isn't great, it's not my first language."
"So, AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community firmly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for keeping Laura's secret.
Everyone agreed that the O did the right thing, as it established that Laura could trust her, and found her boyfriend's behavior immature and irrational:
"NTA, you showed your stepdaughters that they can trust you."
"Your husband, on the other hand, is going the right way to ensure they will never be open with him about anything."
"Is he this much of an a**hole with everything, or does he just turn into a big sulking mess over Rob/Rob’s dad?"- perfidious_snatch
"NTA at all."
"You handled that exactly right- Laura isn't meeting up with some older online perve, it's a perfectly normal kid crush on a classmate."
"Her dad is now being abusive- ignoring your kid (and spouse!) like that is an abuse tactic, and if he was REALLY concerned about his daughter's dating life being safe and healthy, he would model a good relationship instead of a bad one like he's doing now."-weirwoodheart
"NTA, since she wasn’t in danger and she was going to tell him herself."
"But your partner seems to have issues, and if I were Laura I’d feel confirmed in my decision not to be forthcoming with sensitive stuff because of his reaction."- NotATalkingMushroom
"NTA."
"But your husband is."
"He is reacting like a little kid - not speaking to his daughter and his wife. Is he 14 himself?"
"You did the right thing and showed your stepdaughter that you care about her."
"It wasn't live threatening she was safe."
"And honestly, it is better she can talk to a parent figure about stuff like that instead of being afraid to do so."
"So she can ask about sex one day, if she has to do it to keep a boy around, if she is not feeling ready."
"She can conform if stuff happens and she don't know how to deal with it."
"She knows she can ask you about birth control stuff without her dad getting angry (even if that should be something that he should know if she is getting on bc)."
"But it is very important for a young girl who is also the oldest (so no big sister to ask) to have a family person to talk about boy-stuff, without having the TV dad around with his gun."- Trevena_Ice
"NTA."
"You were giving Laura space to tell her dad herself."
"She opened up to you and now knows that she can trust you, which means she’s more likely to go to you next time and the time after that."
"Let her know that she has your support and you understand why she wanted to wait."
"Your partner showed her that he will belittle her and her choices or get angry."
"Your partner is pushing his daughter away and showing her he can’t be trusted to be caring with her emotions and thoughts."
"The boy may indeed be like his dad but he also may not be."
"Your partner isn’t even giving him a chance to prove himself."- EastPirate6505
"NTA."
"Your husband is being unfair to Rob, unfair to Laura, and unfair and unreasonable where you're concerned."- Jennifer_Junipero
"Absolutely NTA."
'I told my mum something privately when I was 17, and she immediately told my stepdad, who then came to berate me about it."
"I never told her anything that personal again because the trust had totally gone."
"She realized she messed up when I said to her after that if I had wanted him to know I wouldn't have waited til he left the room to tell her, but the damage had already been done."- chilleybee
"NTA."
"That his reaction to her crush made her stop confiding in him, and his reaction to her having a first boyfriend is to stop speaking to her, is going to come back to bite him."
"Several trusted family friends have permission to keep my children's secrets from me, if they do what you did and assess the risks. I have the same for their children."- Cevanne46
It's fair for the OP's boyfriend to want to know everything that his daughter is up to.
Had there been even the slightest sign of Laura being in imminent danger, it seems pretty clear that the OP would have immediately told her boyfriend.
That was not the case, however, as she was simply keeping the fact that she had a harmless, juvenile crush under wraps.
If the OP's boyfriend thinks silent treatment was an appropriate way to handle this, Laura is in for a very challenging adolescence indeed.
