Being pregnant is a joyous time for many.
The anticipation of the baby's arrival, the hopes for the future, it can all be so life-affirming.
But many pregnancies are not full of joy.
A lot of pregnancies are dangerous and stressful.
And it can take a village to help bring a newborn into this world safely.
Redditor ThrowRAalskdkd wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for asking my stepdaughters to allow me to stay on the first floor?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My husband and I have been married for three years, and his daughters are 16 and 17."
"I've always tried to get along with the girls; they're polite, and their mother is really kind."
"My husband's house has two floors."
"The girls have their rooms on the first floor, and my husband slept on the second floor."
"When I moved in, we still lived that way, as it was honestly not a nuisance to me."
"The problem is that I am pregnant now, it is a risky pregnancy, and I have to be at rest all the time, so climbing the stairs scares me, and the doctor said that it would be good if I tried not to climb them for now."
"My plan was to offer one of the girls to sleep on the second floor, and my husband would sleep in one of their bedrooms for now."
"They come four days a week lately, so I didn't think it would be too much of a hassle for them."
"We also offered to change the beds."
"They both got angry and said that we can't kick them out of their bedroom since that is their part of the house."
"My husband always told them that that part of the house is totally theirs."
"I have no problem with it since they are his daughters."
"Basically, the only thing we share is the dining room and kitchen since they have a bathroom."
"My husband basically told me he can't force them to do that, so I'm on my own in this."
"They don't want to go upstairs because, according to them, it's too small, and it will be a hassle to have to climb the stairs all the time to get their things."
"My husband always told them that that part of the house is 100% theirs, so it's literally like a separate part of the house."
"I never even went into their bathroom."
"The only problem is that I just need them to do that favor for me until the doctor tells me that my pregnancy is out of risk."
"We even plan to make the room for the baby upstairs so as not to bother them."
"The girls reacted so badly that it made me think I'm behaving like an evil stepmother."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"My husband basically told me he can't force them to do that, so I'm on my own in this."
"Uh, no?"
"You're his wife, carrying his child?"
"If you're 'on your own,' then you're no longer together."
"You can all work together as a family to navigate this, but he doesn't just get to throw his hands up at the slightest push back and bow out of his family responsibilities. NTA." ~ EffableFornent
"NTA. I wouldn't even call your stepdaughters a**holes for their refusal - they're teenagers dealing with a baby coming into their home, so I'm willing to cut them some slack here."
"No, the a**hole is your husband."
"You are pregnant with his child, your pregnancy is high-risk, and you're on your own?"
"He needs to help you find a solution, and pronto."
"If he won't move one of his daughters out of her room, then he needs to turn the dining room into your bedroom or something like that." ~ HoldFastO2
"I was thinking the same thing."
"It's complicated, because I can't really blame his teenage daughters—this is a lot for them too."
"Imagine being told that the house you're living in is your space: a place where you're meant to feel comfortable, grow up, and have stability."
"In a split-custody situation, being there four days a week is already a significant amount of time."
"I don't think the solution should be removing teenagers from the space they've been told is theirs."
"At the same time, it sounds like there may not be another area in the house that's suitable."
"But if she's on bed rest, I'm also concerned about why she's needing to go up and down the stairs so much in the first place."
"I don't think she's the a**hole either."
"Ultimately, this is an issue between her and her husband."
"They need to find a solution together and keep the teenage girls out of it." ~yassbeech
"What are they 5?"
"What's with the velvet glove handling of teenagers here?"
"Are we going to let pass the lack of empathy and the sense of entitlement because they're just kids?"
"What is the plan here then, just let her have a perilous pregnancy because we can't get teenagers to be more considerate because it's 'their' space?"
"Why does she need to go up and down the stairs - needing to see the doctor, needing to eat, needing to at least prepare snacks for herself if her useless husband can't get around to feeding her, needing to do basic things besides rotting in bed while pregnant, like maybe going out to the garden?"
"Many, many things will still require a pregnant woman to get out of bed even when she is on bed rest." ~ WorthyBroccoli025
"I was a teen, I raised 3 kids through their teens into adulthood."
"At absolutely no time would I, my siblings, or any of our friends behave this way to a woman in a dangerous pregnancy."
"None of my kids or any of their friends would have acted this way either."
"Their dad is a colossal AH and is the one primarily responsible here, but those girls get no pass from me."
"They are self-centered AHs." ~ readergirl35
"NTA. This is ridiculous."
"They are 16 and 17."
"It is not up to them to 'allow' you to do anything."
"You are one of the adults in the house."
"Your husband is allowing his daughters to treat you appallingly, and he should be ashamed." ~ Wise_Session_5370
"NTA. Move out of the house to a place where it's safe for you and your baby."
"Here, you and the baby are at risk, and nobody cares."
"Not your stepdaughters who don't want to be inconvenienced, not your husband and father for your unborn child, who won't protect you or the baby."
"Move back with family that cares."
"Your life and the baby's life are at risk here." ~ itsminimes
"This. My suggestion would also be to move out." ~ fosse76
"Mine too. OP, they can do whatever they want and care about themselves, and you move out and care about your baby and your life."
"He told you he will not help, so focus on YOUR child."
"He can clean their stuff and cook and wash... tell him it's on him, he has to figure out like you had to figure out how to protect your child." ~ Significant_Taro_690
"NAH (except for the husband for the way he reacted)."
"You're not wrong in asking, but for them this is a case of 'this baby is not even here yet, and it's already taking our space,' and if their dad forces them to move, it'll strain the relationship with his daughters, who will believe he prioritises new wife and baby over existing kids."
"I understand you're probably very stressed right now, but I can also see their point and don't think they're wrong." ~ kaoru1987
"NAH. You are not kicking them out."
"It was a reasonable request."
"But I also see their point."
"Their dad will get a new child, and they fear that they could lose their space to their half-sibling."
"I also get that teenage girls would not like the idea of their parents being in their room having intercourse."
"Maybe try to have a calm family talk about that, reassure them, that they won't lose their rooms and space, but it is just for medical reasons."
"Or if there is the space, offer them both to switch upstairs so this could become their new place." ~ Trevena_Ice
"NTA. This should not be something you ask for."
"Your husband should take the lead and simply inform them that this is how it will be now."
"If they get upset, then he should shoulder the blame for it to not put you in a tough spot as a step-parent." ~ 25mmcb
"NTA. This is a reasonable, health-driven request, and I'm most upset at your husband."
"That's his kid, too, that he's putting at risk here."
"I get where the daughters are coming from, and yeah, it's a disruption for them, but much less so than would be complications with the kid."
"Hope it goes well for you." ~ BetweenWeebandOtaku
OP came back to chat.
"I appreciate the advice, but please don't tell me to leave the house for a hotel; I'm going to have a baby, and I don't have the money to pay for lodging."
"Please note that in my country, one dollar is equal to $1400 in the national coin."
"The doctor's words were 'absolute rest,' no cleaning, no exercise, no sudden movements, and he recommended that I avoid stairs."
"Yes, I had the idea to sleep in the living room, but my bathroom is upstairs, and they don't want to share their bathroom.
"Yes, visitors must go to the upstairs bathroom + my older stepdaughter said it would be tacky to do that since she brings friends home."
"Also, my husband doesn't have a spine, and I'm trying not to get stressed."
Reddit is with you, OP.
This behavior is outrageous!
Your baby's life is at risk, and this is how your husband reacts?!
Once this baby is born, and your stress is lightened, it may be time to take a long, hard look at this marriage.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp