Planning a birthday party for a family member for a significant milestone year can cause anxiety to make sure everything goes smoothly.
With months more to go, a Redditor discovered that certain members had unilaterally made arrangements.
But when they heard the gut-punch information regarding the celebration planning, they visited the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
Redditor WorldlyHumor6342 asked:
"AITA for refusing to finance my dad's 70th birthday?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My dad is turning 70 in December this year and it's almost April now. My sister and mum have made all arrangements without asking for my input/opinion, etc."
"2 days after we returned from my husbands 40th birthday holiday overseas, my sister requested $500-$1000 to contribute."
"Side note: none of my family sent so much as a message to him with birthday wishes."
The OP continued:
"I politely advised it wasn't in our finances as we have many big milestones this year. My sister went silent, and I eventually asked if she was still there."
"She slowly said she was and that she was 'biting her tongue' so as not to start an argument with me. I then cheerily said 'ok, goodnight' and hung up... AITA?"
"Thank you for your perspective, dear internet."
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
"NTA for saying no."
"Believe me, having organised loads of 'special aged' birthdays, you come up with ideas and ask for feedback and budget limited before coming to final decisions etc. So how they have been doing it is not good and you're entitled to your no."
"However, it's not clear if you were aware of the plans before the request for money. Because if you were, you should have given feedback in advance say this sounds expensive, I might not have the cash etc."
"Also, are you willing to contribute anything? You don't have to, you can always not get him something or get him something outside of what the others want to do."
"But how you ended the call may cause hurt." – MisaOEB
"NTA They made all the decisions without you so they can cover the costs without you. It's not your job to fund something you had no say in especially when they couldn't even acknowledge your husband's birthday. Their poor planning isn't your emergency." – Younggod9
"NTA. They didn't bother to wish your husband a happy birthday, they didn't involve you in the planning of your dad's birthday, they assumed they could demand money .. and then got salty when you politely explained your finances didn't allow it?"
"That's pretty awful behaviour and you should feel no guilt at all for declining to let them use you." – JustAnotherOlive
"NTA - a pretty basic rule if you want people to contribute towrds the cost of something is that you discuss it with thim in advance and agree a budget , before you commit to any expenditure."
"I think that it would be open to you to offer a smaller contribution if you want and feel it is worth it for family relations or if you would have planned to spend some money on your dad and are willing to spend that as a contribution to the party instead."
"you can also consider whether you think it would be at all useful to send a message to your sister and mum saying something like:"
'I was really taken aback when you asked me for $500- $1,000 out of the blue, towards Dad's birthday celebrations. We hadn't had any previous conversations or discussions about planning , or setting a budget , and as I knew you were making some plans but you hadn't chosen to involve me to ask me whether or how much I might be able to contribute, I naturally assumed that you had already budgetted for what you were plannning.''I admit that I did feel a little hurt that you chose to exclude me, but despite that, I'm not necessarily averse to contrinbuting to family events in future but do ask, moving forward, that you make sure that I'm involved from the start, so we can make sure that we''re all in agreement about a budget and what everyone is able to afford, and that plans are agreed by everyone contributing, before any financial decisions or bookings are made so that no one is blind sided or excluded.'
"If you are able to make a contribution then you could add 'While I am not able to offer the $500-$1,000 you requested from me, I could potentially contribute a smaller sum, based on what I'd budgeted for Dad's birthday, perhaps you can let me know what you have planned so far and whether you were proposing a joint gift, or that we call get separate gifts, and I can review and consider what I might be able to contribute.' " – ProfessorYaffle1
"NTA. If you weren't aware of the plans ahead of time you couldn't inform them you won't be paying for it. They planned a party they can't afford that's on them."
"If you had agreed to split party costs with them, that would be different. P.S. I love the curt response to end the call. Rude? Sure but def got the point across." – Exciting-Peanut-1526
"NTA, on any part of your call. Costs should be talked about upfront and agreed upon before any plans are made. There are ways to have birthday parties that aren't so expensive."
"Telling a person that they owe money for something that they didn't agree to is wrong. Do you even know the day and location of the party? Are you even free on that day? There presumptions of some people are out of this world." – Suitable_Doubt7359
"NTA. I also think the way you ended the call was 100% fine. You 'ignored' the passive aggressive 'biting her tongue' remark. Love it."
"Anyone arranging a party or event for someone else, and expecting others to chip in (either financially or physically), should include those others in the planning process. Ask what others are able and willing to contribute. Your sister and mom didn't do that."
"Therefore, it's on them if they get surprised when you decline to give $500-$1000. I'm wondering exactly what big bash they have in mind that your portion alone is $1000?"
"If you are inclined to help out financially, offer to pay what fits into your budget. If you'd rather opt out completely from the over-the-top party, I like the other suggestion that you contact your dad directly and offer to take him out for a meal at his favorite pub or restaurant. You'd have much more time with him that way, rather than in a big group of party attendees." – Tranqup
"NTA: they planned everything including financial costs and didn't include you, so they can pay for it without you. It's so audacious to assume they can raid your wallet and not even discuss a budget with you. The fact they also couldn't even wish your husband a happy birthday shows they don't care about you or him. You did the right thing." – WordsAsWeapons79
"NTA. We were high earners prior to my being wiped out by a drunk driver, everyone felt we should pay for everything (esp my in-laws… 'but you can afffffooorrrrd it'). When they had their 50th anniversary party, we contributed a lovely cake, replicate of their wedding cake and used our local small town baker."
"Regardless of income, your $ is yours and if we hadn't lived somewhat frugally (old cars, etc), we'd have been absolutely screwed when we lost my income overnight. Plus I didn't put myself through undergrad and grad school NOT to spend on my priorities! " – FiestyMum
"NTA and I think the way you ended it was awesome. lol..sounds like something I would do. Why do people assume that everyone has money to burn? If everyone is chipping in 500 to 1000 that's one heck of a birthday, especially when 'he would be happy with a meal with his nearest and dearest' They didn't ask for any input except for money. I think I would tell them to just carry on." – Mindless_Giraffe4559
"NTA. If you plan to co-host any event, you need ALL the hosts' input on EVERYTHING. Which means a group chat from day one determining budget, that then gets broken down with ALL opinions involved on decor, invite list, catering, etc. In fact, the only time I can think of where someone not paying gets an opinion is with weddings maybe."
"There are no circumstances I can think of where someone is 'hosting' (covering the finances) and doesn't also get part say in what they're paying for. That would be considered a monetary gift, and that doesn't sound like the situation here."
"Sister and mom effed up and don't get to rewrite the playbook here in their favor." – redlips_rosycheeks
Overall, Redditors said that being left out of the birthday planning warranted a "No" for the OP to contribute the suggested amount but suggested an amount they felt comfortable with would be suitable as an option.
Hopefully the siblings can patch things up before the day of celebration gets closer as tension can dampen the pricey festivities.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp