Planning a birthday party for a family member for a significant milestone year can cause anxiety to make sure everything goes smoothly.
With months more to go, a Redditor discovered that certain members had unilaterally made arrangements.
But when they heard the gut-punch information regarding the celebration planning, they visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
Redditor WorldlyHumor6342 asked:
“AITA for refusing to finance my dad’s 70th birthday?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My dad is turning 70 in December this year and it’s almost April now. My sister and mum have made all arrangements without asking for my input/opinion, etc.”
“2 days after we returned from my husbands 40th birthday holiday overseas, my sister requested $500-$1000 to contribute.”
“Side note: none of my family sent so much as a message to him with birthday wishes.”
The OP continued:
“I politely advised it wasn’t in our finances as we have many big milestones this year. My sister went silent, and I eventually asked if she was still there.”
“She slowly said she was and that she was ‘biting her tongue’ so as not to start an argument with me. I then cheerily said ‘ok, goodnight’ and hung up… AITA?”
“Thank you for your perspective, dear internet.”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
“NTA for saying no.”
“Believe me, having organised loads of ‘special aged’ birthdays, you come up with ideas and ask for feedback and budget limited before coming to final decisions etc. So how they have been doing it is not good and you’re entitled to your no.”
“However, it’s not clear if you were aware of the plans before the request for money. Because if you were, you should have given feedback in advance say this sounds expensive, I might not have the cash etc.”
“Also, are you willing to contribute anything? You don’t have to, you can always not get him something or get him something outside of what the others want to do.”
“But how you ended the call may cause hurt.” – MisaOEB
“NTA They made all the decisions without you so they can cover the costs without you. It’s not your job to fund something you had no say in especially when they couldn’t even acknowledge your husband’s birthday. Their poor planning isn’t your emergency.” – Younggod9
“NTA. They didn’t bother to wish your husband a happy birthday, they didn’t involve you in the planning of your dad’s birthday, they assumed they could demand money .. and then got salty when you politely explained your finances didn’t allow it?”
“That’s pretty awful behaviour and you should feel no guilt at all for declining to let them use you.” – JustAnotherOlive
“NTA – a pretty basic rule if you want people to contribute towrds the cost of something is that you discuss it with thim in advance and agree a budget , before you commit to any expenditure.”
“I think that it would be open to you to offer a smaller contribution if you want and feel it is worth it for family relations or if you would have planned to spend some money on your dad and are willing to spend that as a contribution to the party instead.”
“you can also consider whether you think it would be at all useful to send a message to your sister and mum saying something like:”
‘I was really taken aback when you asked me for $500- $1,000 out of the blue, towards Dad’s birthday celebrations. We hadn’t had any previous conversations or discussions about planning , or setting a budget , and as I knew you were making some plans but you hadn’t chosen to involve me to ask me whether or how much I might be able to contribute, I naturally assumed that you had already budgetted for what you were plannning.’
‘I admit that I did feel a little hurt that you chose to exclude me, but despite that, I’m not necessarily averse to contrinbuting to family events in future but do ask, moving forward, that you make sure that I’m involved from the start, so we can make sure that we”re all in agreement about a budget and what everyone is able to afford, and that plans are agreed by everyone contributing, before any financial decisions or bookings are made so that no one is blind sided or excluded.’
“If you are able to make a contribution then you could add ‘While I am not able to offer the $500-$1,000 you requested from me, I could potentially contribute a smaller sum, based on what I’d budgeted for Dad’s birthday, perhaps you can let me know what you have planned so far and whether you were proposing a joint gift, or that we call get separate gifts, and I can review and consider what I might be able to contribute.’ “ – ProfessorYaffle1
“NTA. If you weren’t aware of the plans ahead of time you couldn’t inform them you won’t be paying for it. They planned a party they can’t afford that’s on them.”
“If you had agreed to split party costs with them, that would be different. P.S. I love the curt response to end the call. Rude? Sure but def got the point across.” – Exciting-Peanut-1526
“NTA, on any part of your call. Costs should be talked about upfront and agreed upon before any plans are made. There are ways to have birthday parties that aren’t so expensive.”
“Telling a person that they owe money for something that they didn’t agree to is wrong. Do you even know the day and location of the party? Are you even free on that day? There presumptions of some people are out of this world.” – Suitable_Doubt7359
“NTA. I also think the way you ended the call was 100% fine. You ‘ignored’ the passive aggressive ‘biting her tongue’ remark. Love it.”
“Anyone arranging a party or event for someone else, and expecting others to chip in (either financially or physically), should include those others in the planning process. Ask what others are able and willing to contribute. Your sister and mom didn’t do that.”
“Therefore, it’s on them if they get surprised when you decline to give $500-$1000. I’m wondering exactly what big bash they have in mind that your portion alone is $1000?”
“If you are inclined to help out financially, offer to pay what fits into your budget. If you’d rather opt out completely from the over-the-top party, I like the other suggestion that you contact your dad directly and offer to take him out for a meal at his favorite pub or restaurant. You’d have much more time with him that way, rather than in a big group of party attendees.” – Tranqup
“NTA: they planned everything including financial costs and didn’t include you, so they can pay for it without you. It’s so audacious to assume they can raid your wallet and not even discuss a budget with you. The fact they also couldn’t even wish your husband a happy birthday shows they don’t care about you or him. You did the right thing.” – WordsAsWeapons79
“NTA. We were high earners prior to my being wiped out by a drunk driver, everyone felt we should pay for everything (esp my in-laws… ‘but you can afffffooorrrrd it’). When they had their 50th anniversary party, we contributed a lovely cake, replicate of their wedding cake and used our local small town baker.”
“Regardless of income, your $ is yours and if we hadn’t lived somewhat frugally (old cars, etc), we’d have been absolutely screwed when we lost my income overnight. Plus I didn’t put myself through undergrad and grad school NOT to spend on my priorities! “ – FiestyMum
“NTA and I think the way you ended it was awesome. lol..sounds like something I would do. Why do people assume that everyone has money to burn? If everyone is chipping in 500 to 1000 that’s one heck of a birthday, especially when ‘he would be happy with a meal with his nearest and dearest’ They didn’t ask for any input except for money. I think I would tell them to just carry on.” – Mindless_Giraffe4559
“NTA. If you plan to co-host any event, you need ALL the hosts’ input on EVERYTHING. Which means a group chat from day one determining budget, that then gets broken down with ALL opinions involved on decor, invite list, catering, etc. In fact, the only time I can think of where someone not paying gets an opinion is with weddings maybe.”
“There are no circumstances I can think of where someone is ‘hosting’ (covering the finances) and doesn’t also get part say in what they’re paying for. That would be considered a monetary gift, and that doesn’t sound like the situation here.”
“Sister and mom effed up and don’t get to rewrite the playbook here in their favor.” – redlips_rosycheeks
Overall, Redditors said that being left out of the birthday planning warranted a “No” for the OP to contribute the suggested amount but suggested an amount they felt comfortable with would be suitable as an option.
Hopefully the siblings can patch things up before the day of celebration gets closer as tension can dampen the pricey festivities.