For many people, higher education seems like an inevitability.
Whether it's to obtain the necessary degrees and credentials to become the profession you always dreamed about, or simply as a right of passage.
It's often overlooked, however, that attending college or university is, in fact, a privilege.
A privilege many people are unable to achieve purely for financial reasons.
The son of Redditor was excelling in school and couldn't wait to start college.
However, the original poster (OP) feared that his son's number one choice simply might not be possible.
A discussion the OP wanted to have with his son, which his wife refused to allow.
Wondering if he was wrong for feeling the way he did, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for saying we need to be realistic with our son about his finances for college before he applies?"
The OP explained why he felt his son was somewhat in need of a reality check:
"My wife and I have 4 kids."
"The oldest is finishing junior year and will be applying to colleges this fall."
"He is a great kid and a fantastic student."
"Currently ranked 3 in his class but thinks he can take 2 before graduation."
"He is maxed out on AP courses."
"Perfect GPA."
"Great test scores."
"Tons of volunteer hours at the animal shelter and president of an animal science club he created at his school."
"Key role in honor society, does the spring musical, runs track, and does marching band."
"All in all a great applicant."
"But we fall into the weird range of being too 'rich' for financial aid but too poor to pay out of pocket for an elite education."
"His dream school is pricey and we don't expect to receive much aid."
"I have been telling my wife we need to be real with him and tell him that his best options at this point are to look at our state school (he doesn't want to go there but will apply) OR schools that give merit aid to students like him."
"We have found some schools that will basically give him full tuition for his scores and grades."
"My wife thinks that is killing his dream before it even starts."
"She says we should let him apply everywhere and then figure it out as far as finances are concerned."
"My argument is we have 3 other kids after him to put through college."
"Figuring it out for him could mean less for them in the future."
"I think we need to just lay it out."
"Show him what we can afford and what options he has that won't put us under."
"My wife thinks he worked hard and we shouldn't crush his dreams because 'where there is a will there is a way' to make things work."
"He will need further education after this."
"He wants to either get a PhD or be a veterinarian, so either way more schooling after undergrad which is even more reason to not go all out IMO."
"His dream school does NOT offer merit scholarships (or athletic scholarships)."
"They ONLY offer need based aid and he will not qualify."
"Since this keeps coming up, yes we do make over 200k."
"We did not until recently."
"My wife was a SAHM for 6 years and I had an unexpected promotion at my job after my boss retired and I threw my name in the hat for the position."
"That increased my salary over 40k."
"My wife's salary has also increased about 10k in the last 5-10 years."
"We have put aside money for college but we have 4 kids in a very high cost of living area."
"We do not have enough for all 4 kids to spend 90-100k PER YEAR at their dream schools."
"So, what do you guys think?"
"Am I being too harsh?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community almost unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for wanting to have an honest discussion about his son's first college choice.
Everyone agreed that the OP was not being harsh, and it was a discussion his son needed to have, and it would be better for him to prepare for disappointment now than further down the line:
"NTA."
"You do need to have this conversation with him."
"Not only how much you can afford, how much he’d need in loans, other schools he can get free rides at, but also cost of living AFTER he graduates and how much he’d earn as a vet (nowhere near as much as many people believe."
"Then tell him you will support his decision, but that he needs to make it with full knowledge of everything."
"If you ‘just let him apply’ and he gets in…. Then you pull the rug out from under him… how cruel is that."
"Or 10 years down the track, when he is drowning in student loan debt in a job paying less than he expects."- Outrageous_Rabbit842
"NTA."
"I would even say that not having this conversation would be neglectful."
"Can he not apply for scholarships at all?"
"Try in any case."
"But manage his expectations, and explain to him that society isn't fair, and that rich people have advantages he does not."
"If he takes on debt, he takes on a massive risk, a risk that rich kids can afford, but he might get himself in a hole he will wish he never put himself in."
"He won't like it, but your job as a parent is to also explain the less fun stuff."- Ecstatic_Cobbler_264
"NTA."
"Your wife is living in a dream world where finances just 'fall into place' because you want it enough."
"Instead of getting your son's hopes up and then 'crushing' them, tell him what you can afford to pay so that he can plan his next steps."
"Anything else is cruel."- Moose-Live
"NTA."
"Applying 'everywhere' isn’t necessarily a reasonable decision, but you often don’t know what you can get from a private school until you apply and potentially get an aid package offer."
"So it’s reasonable to allow some applications to dream schools while also being realistic about what you can pay for and making sure he chooses some more 'reasonable' schools, or consider trying transferring from somewhere after two years."- Redsfan19
"NTA."
"Dream schools that cost more than a house are not the reward for doing well in high school."
"We don't always get what we want."
"Your child needs to go where he can afford it."
"That is just reality and part of being an adult."- bionicfeetgrl
"NTA."
"I hold a lot of resentment towards my parents for all but forcing me to go to a university that was $50k a year where I needed to take out loans from Sally-Mae when I was only 18 years old."
"No clue what that kind of debt looks like."
"Chasing dreams and making them proud."
"I only did a year and a half before dropping out and so thankful that I did before the loans stacked up too much."
"Now 10 years later (and in a different country where I now live) I’m doing a nursing degree and paying for it out of pocket only a few thousand dollars a semester and even though it’s not prestigious, it’s a good choice for myself and will set me up for my future- not handicap me."
"By encouraging your son to go to a school that he cannot afford without massive debt you’re not encouraging his dreams- you’re setting him up for financial failure."
"Please don’t let him do it."
"Please don’t encourage your children to take on soul-crushing debt."- No-Date-4477
There were a few, however, who felt that the concerns of the OP's wife were valid, even if they still agreed that the OP was doing the right thing:
"Yes, discuss the cost of college with him and factors that influence his decision, but automatically sentencing him to a state school without exhausting scholarships is short-sighted."
"With his grades, he could qualify for several small scholarships."
"He just needs to do the legwork and research applications and requirements."
"If he really wants to go to a high-end school, you explain student loans to him."
"It’s not a forgone conclusion that he must go in state because of your finances and the number of children."
"Explain to him his options and the possible ramifications of each choice, but this is not exactly up to you."
"NAH."- amyloudspeakers
Everyone has hopes and dreams.
Very few people, however, are lucky enough to see any of those hopes and dreams come true.
It would be one thing if the OP were forbidding his son from going to his dream school, but he simply wants to tell him that going there might be a challenge.
Something it would be more helpful to learn before getting an acceptance letter that proved to be little more than a cruel tease.
