Most people want to share their major achievements with the people they care about most.
Usually, those loved ones celebrate alongside and are genuinely happy about the accomplishments.
Usually... but sadly, not always.
A person on Reddit is shocked that they're being called "selfish" for refusing to give up a scholarship they earned so their sibling can apply for it, so they turned to the "Am I The A**hole Here" (AITAH) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.
Redditor judith_jd asked:
"AITA for refusing to share my life-changing opportunity?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"A few months ago, I applied for a prestigious international scholarship that could change my life."
"The process was intense, with essays, interviews, and months of preparation."
"I didn't tell anyone except my partner because I didn't want to jinx it."
"Last week, I got the news: I was accepted!"
"This scholarship covers my tuition, living expenses, and even provides a travel stipend to study in my dream country for two years."
"When I shared the news with my family, I expected congratulations, but instead, my younger sibling (who is in their final year of college) burst into tears."
"They said they've been struggling with their own applications and begged me to decline the offer so they could try applying next year, as only one person from our country can win each cycle."
"I was stunned."
"This is a once-in-a-lifetime chance for me, and I've worked tirelessly for it."
"But now, my parents are calling me selfish, saying I should let my sibling 'have a shot at something big.'"
"Even my partner suggested I consider it, though they admitted it wasn't fair to ask."
"I stood my ground and refused to give up the scholarship."
"My sibling hasn't spoken to me since, and my parents are cold and distant."
"I feel guilty but also angry, this is my achievement, not theirs."
"So, AITA for not giving up my opportunity for my sibling?"
Redditors weighed in on the situation and decided OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA"
"Even if you gave up the opportunity, there's no guarantee your sibling would win the scholarship." - teresajs
"NTA but you might want to put some distance between yourself and them ASAP, for your sake" - MangoSaintJuice
"NTA. They have no business asking that of you." - CaptainParticular797
"NTA"
"It's yours!"
"No guarantee that your sibling will get it anyway."
"Tell them 1 bird in hand is worth more than 100 flying."
"This is a guaranteed yes for you."
"You won't give it up for a maybe next year for your sibling."
"Everyone should be happy for you."
"Make sure you accept it right away and put a lock on it."
"Tell them to communicate only to you."
"Hide all paperwork so your parents or sibling or anyone can sabotage or cancel this."
"See how you can keep this safe."
"Best wishes OP" - Mandaloriana_2022
"They can apply in 2 years."
"There's no guarantee they will even get it next year. NTA." - Sufficient_Tune_2638
"Do not set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm."
"NTA Congratulations on your scholarship!"
"You earned it, and you deserve it. :)" - JJOkayOkay
"NTA. Congratulations."
"Is your sibling the golden child?"
"Why on earth is your PARTNER suggesting you consider it?!"
"Keep your distance from anyone who doesn't support you and wants to tear you down."
"Just make sure that you have all your important belongings and papers in a SAFE AND SECURE SPACE."
"I wouldn't completely discount the possibility of sabotage." - NagaApi8888
"NTA wow it's incredibly selfish of her to cry and not be happy for you."
"And your parents sided with her? Ouch!"
"Do not give up this golden opportunity." - EdwinaArkie
"You are NTA."
"Your entire family, on the other hand, is literally insane." - BeachinLife1
"Take the scholarship and be glad they are going to be in a different country!"
"We don't even know if sis is capable of getting the scholarship!!!"
"If she is, that doesn't mean they will chose her next year."
"This especially holds true if you, from the same family, turn down the scholarship after earning it!"
"Also, I'm confused. If this is sissy last year of college, why does she need a two-year scholarship starting next year?"
"Doesn't matter, it won't be available."
"And there are many other scholarships out there that will be available to her."
"I mean how will you feel giving it up if she doesn't make it in next year?"
"For all we know, they already have a backup appointee from your country."
"If you turn it down, they could just give it to them."
"This would still leave your sis without!"
"And how would you feel giving it up for her, then learning she won't have a chance to even apply?"
"This is a dream come true for you!"
"Your family is turning it into a nightmare."
"When you have a nightmare, you get out of bed!"
"They are nightmares for you right now, so take the scholarship and get out of the country!"
"When your parents gripe, ask them to explain why they would be so happy foe your sister to have the scholarship, but are not happy for you to have it."
"Ask them why they feel she is more deserving."
"Ask them if your grades were not impressive enough or if they just plain don't like you."
"Guilt them into accepting this is yours if you have to!"
"You do deserve the scholarship."
"You should be proud it was awarded to you."
"And you should take full advantage of it! This is YOURS!"
"NTA" - fromhelley
"NTA, and I'd keep my distance from them."
"Their reaction was unkind and reeked of jealousy."
"They will not be supportive of you, and I wouldn't be surprised if they tried to undermine your success in some way."
"If they can't be happy for you, they can't be family."
"I'm 71, and my family, except for my youngest brother, has been a destructive force in my life, motivated by jealousy."
"Don't let them get a shot at you."
"NTA, and don't let them convince you otherwise." - OutlandishnessFew981
"nta. you put in all the hard work and deserve this chance."
"it's tough for your sibling, but you can't sacrifice your future."
"They need to find their own path."
"don't feel guilty for your success." - nixiejoyful
"NTAH-No way! Congratulations to YOU!!"
"You did the work, and you got this on your own."
"There is a different plan for your sibling-this is yours!" - Wonderful-Boat-6373
"NTA. CONGRATULATIONS to you, go in joy."
"Your younger sibling can apply in a few years after you're done."
"Don't give up on a once in a lifetime event. You earned it, enjoy it."
"Something tells me you already knew your family wouldn't support you in this, but you did it anyway and good for you." - Fearless-Warning-721
"NTA. Even if you declined it, there is no guarantee your sibling will be accepted."
"You've earned it—Go!" - JTBlakeinNYC
"NTA. You won the scholarship and opportunity, NOT YOUR SISTER."
"Please go to that foreign country."
"Stay away from any relatives that do not support your dreams and ambitions."
"Congratulations! I'm proud of you!!" - Prudent_Valuable603
"NTA. Your sibling is the golden child, and your parents are c*nts."
"Stand your ground and make your escape" - EthnicallyAmbiguous0
"NTA at all. You worked hard and deserve it."
"Family should be supportive and not toxic."
"It's okay for your younger siblings to be disappointed, but it is not okay to make you feel bad or guilty to work hard and accomplish something great." - Horror-Tale-5689
"NTA. And it's an enormous assumption on their part that you giving up YOUR opportunity means your sibling would automatically get it."
"That's incredibly far-fetched."
"NTA, and as someone else suggested, keep your distance."
"I would add remove any bank accounts and property from their reach." - Littlebiggran
"Dump your partner for not having your back and even suggesting that you consider it."
"Do not give up the opportunity. Leave the toxic family if you have to."
"NTA" - Material_Cellist4133
"NTA. LOL they really think if you give it up, your sibling will get it?"
"Come on." - Jerseygirl2468
"NTA."
"But accept the offer ASAP, and let the scholarship organization know that you have family members who are opposed to you leaving and may try to sabotage your opportunity." - gwie
"Do NOT give this up!"
"Even if there was some reason that anyone felt your sibling deserved it more (which is ridiculous), you have already been accepted."
"If you give up this sure opportunity that you have, then what happens if your sibling doesn't qualify next year?"
"Stand your ground, and seriously rethink your boundaries/relationship with anyone who tries to tell you otherwise."
"Edit: NTA!!" - Asleep-Video-1140
"NTA!!! Please do not give up this opportunity so that your younger sibling MIGHT have a chance at it."
"That is so absurd that I can't help but think that there is obvious favoritism and bias involved."
"Crazy. I would be so angry." - GhostOfMost
According to fellow Redditors, OP should not feel bad about their position and should definitely not consider giving up something they worked so hard for.
Hopefully, their advice will help OP make the final decision and take the necessary next steps.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp