Money causes problems and solves problems.
It can be the root of all evil... or the savior, as a college student recently found out.
Case in point...
Redditor yosuw wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for refusing to give up my college fund to help my parents with their debt?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I just started college this year."
"Ever since I was little, my grandparents set up a college fund for me, and it's the only reason I can afford school without taking on massive debt."
"My parents always knew about it, and it was always meant for my education."
'Recently, my parents have been struggling financially due to bad investments and overspending."
"They sat me down and asked me to use my college fund to help them pay off their debts."
"They said that since they raised me, it's only fair that I help them now that they're struggling."
'I said no."
"I told them I was grateful for everything they've done, but this money was specifically for my education, and I wasn't going to throw away my future."
'They got upset and said I was being selfish and ungrateful."
"My mom even cried, saying she never thought her own daughter would turn her back on them."
"Now, my parents barely talk to me."
"I feel horrible, but at the same time, I don't think I should have to sacrifice my future because of their financial mistakes."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for refusing to give up my college fund?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. They had a legal obligation to the cost of raiding you."
"Your grandparents specifically set that money aside for your education, not for your parents' emergency debt relief."
"I assume they must be pretty desperate, but this is not money they are entitled to, and you don't owe them for raising you well." ~ dalealace
"Exactly. They chose to have kids."
"It's their responsibility to take care of them into adulthood."
"You don't 'owe' them for that."
"OP, focus on your future."
"You can always help them out when you graduate and have a good job, but beware... keep your finances to yourself."
"There's some families that constantly try to mooch off their kids or siblings since you have money and 'family helps family.'" ~ mca2021
"You don't owe them for raising you."
"They choose to have kids, and part of that decision is to feed and cloth and house you; you didn't ask for any of that."
"Just like you didn't ask or make them choose bad financial decisions, and you probably didn't have any say when they went and spent money on stupid toys or expenses."
"Since they were the ones making all these decisions, they are the ones who are responsible for the bills."
"Just because you happen to have some money that was gifted to you, doesn't give them the right to it."
"They can ask, but if you say no, that's the end of it."
"I agree with other comments, you should call up grandparents and ask them what they think you should do about your parents wanting your college funds."
"Let them rip your parents a new one." ~ Dense_Dress_1287
"I agree with this, except that I do not believe OP has any obligation to help them in the future, either, especially during early years when they are trying to establish their own life, and perhaps their own family."
"Surely the parents can turn to their own parents or siblings, or take out a personal loan or second mortgage, before turning to their child!" ~ Purple-Gap2522
"NTA - That money is for YOUR education, and it's their own fault for overspending or making bad investment decisions… pretty rich coming from them saying you're selfish also given they're asking their own child sacrifice a good education because they made mistakes financially." ~ Keenhail
"NTA. Where are your grandparents?"
"If they're still alive, you should tell them what your parents are demanding."
"Also, depending on how the fund was set up, it could still be their money (legally), and you're just a beneficiary of it if you go to college."
"It might not even be yours to give away."
"If they just put it in a regular bank account, it's yours, but you should keep it and use it for the purpose your grandparents saved it for." ~ Ok-Raspberry7884
"NTA, all the way."
"From the sound of it, if the parents had any right to take the money, they probably would have done so already.
"Now that OP can access the funds for college, they see their chance to get their hands on it." ~ elangomatt
"NTA. If your mother was crying, I would assume that they are desperate, and you should take steps to safeguard that money, like getting electronic statements and setting multi-factor authentication on the account." ~ Sharp-Shine-583
"NTA. Listen. If a parent pulls out the 'I raised you...' they are almost always the a**hole in the scenario."
"Unless it's the rare you did something where them saying 'I raised you better than this' is warranted."
"Children did not ask to be born."
"The parents chose it. It's their obligation to feed the child, clothe the child, keep a roof over their head, and all the other stuff that comes with having a child."
"It's not the kid taking out a loan where the parents can cash in when the child turns 18."
"You do not owe them for raising you."
"Not even a single cent."
"And I say that as a parent myself."
"Your grandparents set that money aside so you didn't have to start your adult life with debt."
"To help you get the education you want and get a good start on life."
"And if there's money left after school. It's still yours."
"Use it for further education."
"A saving towards a home."
"Your parents are not entitled to that money." ~ Dangerous-WinterElf
"So THEY'LL be debt-free, despite poor financial decision-making, and OP will be saddled with massive debt because she wants an education?"
"Yeah, lovely."
"OP should just repeat the same thing back to her feckless mother- someone is definitely selfish here. NTA." ~ rox4540
"NTA, it is really unfair of them to put you in this situation."
"They made the decision to have you. You don't owe them for raising you."
"Trying to guilt you into rescuing them from bad financial decisions is wrong." ~ Neat-Character-9894
"Your parents raising you wasn't them doing you a favor; it was them being responsible for their choices."
"You didn't ask to be born."
"Their financial problems have absolutely nothing to do with the money your grandparents left for you.'
"They're not even offering to pay you back. NTA!" ~ AlternativeDue1958
"If your parents are bad with money already, then all you would be doing is putting your college fund down the drain."
"I've read so many stories of people giving in to the guilt, paying off family debts, only for that debt to accumulate again down the track."
'Put it to your parents that it's either your debt or theirs- how is that a fair ask of their child? NTA." ~ Emmyxo212
"NTA and don't even think about it! Continue your education!"
"Don't feel guilty."
"Your parent's financial mistakes are not your emergency!"
"They don't get to take your future to solve their problems."
"Continue school and then live your life guilt-free." ~ Ok_Clerk_6960
"NTA. You say they are in trouble from their mistakes (investments, overspending)."
"If it was a scenario where someone was made redundant, or a medical bill came through that wasn't fully covered by insurance, I would be more inclined to help out, but this is your money for your future which you have looked after."
"What else are they doing to improve their finances?"
"Extra hours?"
"Different jobs at a higher salary?"
"Second jobs?"
"If they aren't working on it, expecting someone else to bail them isn't fair." ~ underwater-sunlight
"NTA. It's likely that your parents are in the financial position they're in because they expected you to bail them out."
"The selfish ones here are your parents who think it's acceptable to make their child go into debt to pay off their shopping sprees."
"It was their responsibility to raise you, and you owe them nothing in return." ~ fenryonze
"NTA. You did the right thing."
"Also, tell your grandparents what's going on."
"They should know that your parents are trying to take their money." ~ teresajs
"NTA- your grandparents set that money aside for your education."
"Your parents raised you as it was their duty as parents."
"That money is to help you get a better start in life."
"And it sounds like your grandparents knew just what they were doing giving it to you and not to your parents to use."
"And depending on how the fund is set up and how it was left to you (in a will or just a trust or such) it might not even be legal for it to be used for anything but education." ~ Fianna9
"Absolutely NOT. NTA."
"Do not give your parents one red cent."
"Your grandparents set up this fund for your education."
"It has been literally set aside to keep it safe for you and your education."
"Your parents are adults who made these financial decisions."
"And here's a secret you should learn now: people who are in debt now will be in debt again later."
"Giving them money won't fix the problem."
"They got into debt through behavior and circumstances."
"If they don't change their behavior or circumstances, they'll just be in debt again later."
"If you'd like to help them, then you could *consider* offering to pay a small amount of rent over the summer while you live with them."
"But that's only if you are planning to live with them over the summer anyway."
"Another kind of help that you could offer them is that you could offer (when you are on break) to help them go over their bills with a fine-toothed comb, so you can help them find any and all subscriptions that they have and might want to cancel."
"Rocket Money is one tool that can help, but you can do this yourself as well."
You may discover that they are overpaying for phone service, streaming services, or other things that would help them to keep their costs down." ~ sanityjanity
"NTA. Regardless of their weak argument, that's your grandparent's money."
"They need to be the ones to approve any changes to the fund."
"And I'm guessing your grandparents would tell them to take a hike!" ~ Mmm_Lychees
"NTA - you do not owe your parents for choosing to bring you into this world."
"They made that choice, and therefore, it was their responsibility to raise you."
"You absolutely should be grateful for that, but it doesn't mean you owe them your college savings." ~ bookishmama_76
'NTA. Your parents are out of line asking for your college fund."
"Don't give in out of guilt." ~ Educational-Bid-8421
Reddit has your back, OP.
Your parents shouldn't be laying this on you.
This is your money.
And it's for education.
Stand your ground.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp