Caring for a pet with health issues can be a very difficult experience.
Pets with health issues are just like humans with health issues.
It's not their fault.
So owners plan accordingly.
These plans don't always go over well with others.
Redditor throwaway35786943245 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for not attending my in-laws 40th anniversary trip?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (33 F[emale]) have been with my husband (33 M[ale]) for about 10 years."
"We used to live in the same city as all of my husband’s family, but moved away a few years ago to spread our wings, and it really upset my M[other]-I[n]-L[aw], specifically."
"We are childfree, but we have a dog that is very high needs."
"My husband and I haven’t been able to travel together for several years because there aren’t any good options for dog care."
"He has lots of medical issues and is very reactive towards people, so one of us always stays home with the dog."
"I don’t really want this to turn into a debate about the dog because he is incredibly important to us, and we all live a good life on a day-to-day basis; we just can’t vacation together."
"We haven’t traveled for holidays together in several years, but we make sure we plan separate trips to go see my in-laws."
"Around the holidays, one of us will go for Thanksgiving, one of us will go for Christmas, etc."
"We always make a point to remind everyone that we know it isn’t ideal, and it won’t be this way forever (the dog is a senior), but we appreciate everyone accommodating us during this time in our lives."
"For my in-laws' 40th wedding anniversary, they are paying for the whole family to go to a resort in Mexico for a week."
"Due to what I just explained, we cannot both go."
"I want my husband to go since he’s their biological kid, but I think my MIL is taking it really personally."
"There has been a lot of crying and yelling, telling us we need to figure out how to make it work so we can both go."
"I am feeling awful because I don’t know if we’re being a**holes for prioritizing the dog, but I just can’t bring myself to risk a medical emergency, behavioral setback, or injury to a person without my husband or me being there."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"It’s really clear in the comments who respects people’s decisions around their family members and who doesn’t."
"Yes, your dog is a member of your family."
"You signed up to take care of it, and you are."
"Does it suck? Yes."
"But others don’t get to dictate what you do, and you don’t get to dictate their feelings about."
"You’re allowed to stay home with your dog, and your MIL is allowed to have feelings about it. NAH." ~ skweekykleen69
"NTA. When you adopt an animal, you agree to take care of it until it dies, not until it’s convenient."
"You are doing the right thing because you are going through with a commitment you voluntarily decided to take." ~ Nervous-Sand7104
"NTA, but leaning heavily toward NAH."
"There should never be 'crying and yelling' in these kinds of conversations, point blank- which is the only reason I said NTA and not NAH."
"You are freely offering to have your husband go, and you love your dog- of course, you're not an a**hole for caring for your pet."
"That said, while you don't know how much time your dog has left, it does cut both ways."
"My in-laws spent 5 years doing this same thing, thinking their dog was on death's door."
"They missed birthday parties, a graduation, holiday dinners... at some point, you really are making a statement with your actions about what you value more."
"Where is that line for you guys- have you discussed it?"
"Because if you decide that your niece's high school graduation is the cutoff, you're also making a statement to your in-laws about where they 'rank' with you."
"And it's going to hurt people's feelings."
"And obviously, I don't know your dog's medical history or state, but while it is the toughest thing to let a pet go to that rainbow bridge, also being mindful of their quality of life is something I'm sure you're also trying to consider."
"Some animals get so reactive due to stress/health, they become miserable."
I had an animal that just became constantly 'aware' and on the alert 24/7- he was miserable."
"He couldn't turn it off."
"He was exhausted and strung out every day, dragging himself to windowsills and any errant noise."
"And that was on top of his medical issues."
"Surviving isn't the same as living, and I don't envy your position."
"So yeah, NTA, but figuring out where 'the line' is will become important, and beware that exercising that will absolutely ruffle feathers if you decide to go to one event and then not another." ~ MaineSky
"This. Taking care of your dog is important, but you are also making a statement."
"If one of you always misses graduations, weddings, funerals, birthdays, etc., it does tell your family you are prioritizing the dog over them."
"Because you care more about the dog than you do them."
"You can make that choice, and there should not be crying and screaming about it, but they are allowed to be hurt by your continued choice." ~ BowTrek
"NTA. I'm not a dog person, but I can read this and see that while you say you're child-free, in reality, your dog is your baby, and your dog is really lucky to get to live his last days with people who love him and prioritize him."
"So with that, you are being perfectly reasonable the way you are handling this trip, by sending your husband along to celebrate his parents' anniversary."
"Your MIL doesn't have to understand your choice, but she should respect it, and she is the one going into a**hole territory by yelling and crying over your very reasonable compromise." ~ DinoSnuggler
"NTA. If someone needs to be with the dog, that’s it."
"It sucks if she’s sad, but you’re not doing it to be vindictive."
"You have to care for the animal in your possession."
"And if that’s what’s needed, that’s what’s needed." ~ solarnuggets
"NTA. With the medical considerations, the only thought I would have about being able to 'work something out' would be to see whether your vet might have an assistant that you would trust to housesit who would also be willing to housesit with your dog and to take the dog with them for daytime kenneling at the vet's office."
"I'm sure this would rack up some high costs for the time the dog spent at the vet's office and for the day-in/day-out care from a vet tech."
"Sometimes a dog makes other parts of your life inconvenient or impossible."
"It's just what happens when you've committed to caring for another life."
"You're doing right by your dog and doing as close to right as possible by your families."
"I'd hope that they would recognize that you are kind and loyal people and that it's clear that you were 'raised right'" - even if those who did the raising don't understand this." ~ OdoDragonfly
"NAH. I don’t have a dog, but my brother has an older dog who can’t be left alone anymore, and when we tried to plan a family trip, they said they couldn’t come because of their dog."
"It made total sense to everyone."
"There were no hard feelings; it was the same feeling as any legitimate reason for not traveling."
"That being said, it doesn’t seem like your in-laws are being a**holes either. I think it’s okay for them to be disappointed, especially considering this doesn’t seem like such a temporary situation."
"You said it’s been several years of this status quo, so I can imagine that it can be disappointing for the family." ~ turtleshot19147
"NTA. My husband and I took separate vacations for ten years while we had horses."
"If you take on the responsibility for pets, you are responsible!"
"During that decade, we had one single night away as a family, and found a trainer who would stay at our place and take care of the animals, including the horses." ~ IllustriousPart3803
"NTA. You and your husband are living up to the responsibility that comes with having a pet with special needs."
"Her son will be there, so she should just accept that and enjoy the trip rather than being the doodie in the swimming pool." ~ Ishcabibbles
"NTA. In an ideal world, you would both go, but you can’t leave your dog with anyone, and people need to understand."
"Your dog is your responsibility, and you need to care for him."
"That is a valid reason not to attend, and it sounds like you visit them regularly as it is."
"You would never forgive yourself if something happened, so please do what’s best for you and for your doggie, and thank you for being a great parent to your dog." ~ Tangerine_74
OP returned to chat...
"In the past, we have driven 20+ hours with the dog to attend family events, but we always get separate accommodations and we keep him away from everyone."
"I won’t be able to do that this time since it is out of the country."
"He has a bite history, so he is not accepted at boarding facilities, and he cannot have someone come into our home for the same reason."
"We have tried so many times (not as much in recent years)."
"I am not choosing this; there are no care options."
"Also, y’all can stop telling me to euthanize my dog to go on a vacation."
This is not an easy situation, OP.
You're a good fur baby parent.
Sorry, this is difficult.
Reddit is with you.
