Caring for a pet with health issues can be a very difficult experience.
Pets with health issues are just like humans with health issues.
It's not their fault.
So owners plan accordingly.
These plans don't always go over well with others.
Redditor throwaway35786943245 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for not attending my in-laws 40th anniversary trip?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (33 F[emale]) have been with my husband (33 M[ale]) for about 10 years."
"We used to live in the same city as all of my husband’s family, but moved away a few years ago to spread our wings, and it really upset my M[other]-I[n]-L[aw], specifically."
"We are childfree, but we have a dog that is very high needs."
"My husband and I haven’t been able to travel together for several years because there aren’t any good options for dog care."
"He has lots of medical issues and is very reactive towards people, so one of us always stays home with the dog."
"I don’t really want this to turn into a debate about the dog because he is incredibly important to us, and we all live a good life on a day-to-day basis; we just can’t vacation together."
"We haven’t traveled for holidays together in several years, but we make sure we plan separate trips to go see my in-laws."
"Around the holidays, one of us will go for Thanksgiving, one of us will go for Christmas, etc."
"We always make a point to remind everyone that we know it isn’t ideal, and it won’t be this way forever (the dog is a senior), but we appreciate everyone accommodating us during this time in our lives."
"For my in-laws' 40th wedding anniversary, they are paying for the whole family to go to a resort in Mexico for a week."
"Due to what I just explained, we cannot both go."
"I want my husband to go since he’s their biological kid, but I think my MIL is taking it really personally."
"There has been a lot of crying and yelling, telling us we need to figure out how to make it work so we can both go."
"I am feeling awful because I don’t know if we’re being a**holes for prioritizing the dog, but I just can’t bring myself to risk a medical emergency, behavioral setback, or injury to a person without my husband or me being there."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"It’s really clear in the comments who respects people’s decisions around their family members and who doesn’t."
"Yes, your dog is a member of your family."
"You signed up to take care of it, and you are."
"Does it suck? Yes."
"But others don’t get to dictate what you do, and you don’t get to dictate their feelings about."
"You’re allowed to stay home with your dog, and your MIL is allowed to have feelings about it. NAH." ~ skweekykleen69
"NTA. When you adopt an animal, you agree to take care of it until it dies, not until it’s convenient."
"You are doing the right thing because you are going through with a commitment you voluntarily decided to take." ~ Nervous-Sand7104
"NTA, but leaning heavily toward NAH."
"There should never be 'crying and yelling' in these kinds of conversations, point blank- which is the only reason I said NTA and not NAH."
"You are freely offering to have your husband go, and you love your dog- of course, you're not an a**hole for caring for your pet."
"That said, while you don't know how much time your dog has left, it does cut both ways."
"My in-laws spent 5 years doing this same thing, thinking their dog was on death's door."
"They missed birthday parties, a graduation, holiday dinners... at some point, you really are making a statement with your actions about what you value more."
"Where is that line for you guys- have you discussed it?"
"Because if you decide that your niece's high school graduation is the cutoff, you're also making a statement to your in-laws about where they 'rank' with you."
"And it's going to hurt people's feelings."
"And obviously, I don't know your dog's medical history or state, but while it is the toughest thing to let a pet go to that rainbow bridge, also being mindful of their quality of life is something I'm sure you're also trying to consider."
"Some animals get so reactive due to stress/health, they become miserable."
I had an animal that just became constantly 'aware' and on the alert 24/7- he was miserable."
"He couldn't turn it off."
"He was exhausted and strung out every day, dragging himself to windowsills and any errant noise."
"And that was on top of his medical issues."
"Surviving isn't the same as living, and I don't envy your position."
"So yeah, NTA, but figuring out where 'the line' is will become important, and beware that exercising that will absolutely ruffle feathers if you decide to go to one event and then not another." ~ MaineSky
"This. Taking care of your dog is important, but you are also making a statement."
"If one of you always misses graduations, weddings, funerals, birthdays, etc., it does tell your family you are prioritizing the dog over them."
"Because you care more about the dog than you do them."
"You can make that choice, and there should not be crying and screaming about it, but they are allowed to be hurt by your continued choice." ~ BowTrek
"NTA. I'm not a dog person, but I can read this and see that while you say you're child-free, in reality, your dog is your baby, and your dog is really lucky to get to live his last days with people who love him and prioritize him."
"So with that, you are being perfectly reasonable the way you are handling this trip, by sending your husband along to celebrate his parents' anniversary."
"Your MIL doesn't have to understand your choice, but she should respect it, and she is the one going into a**hole territory by yelling and crying over your very reasonable compromise." ~ DinoSnuggler
"NTA. If someone needs to be with the dog, that’s it."
"It sucks if she’s sad, but you’re not doing it to be vindictive."
"You have to care for the animal in your possession."
"And if that’s what’s needed, that’s what’s needed." ~ solarnuggets
"NTA. With the medical considerations, the only thought I would have about being able to 'work something out' would be to see whether your vet might have an assistant that you would trust to housesit who would also be willing to housesit with your dog and to take the dog with them for daytime kenneling at the vet's office."
"I'm sure this would rack up some high costs for the time the dog spent at the vet's office and for the day-in/day-out care from a vet tech."
"Sometimes a dog makes other parts of your life inconvenient or impossible."
"It's just what happens when you've committed to caring for another life."
"You're doing right by your dog and doing as close to right as possible by your families."
"I'd hope that they would recognize that you are kind and loyal people and that it's clear that you were 'raised right'" - even if those who did the raising don't understand this." ~ OdoDragonfly
"NAH. I don’t have a dog, but my brother has an older dog who can’t be left alone anymore, and when we tried to plan a family trip, they said they couldn’t come because of their dog."
"It made total sense to everyone."
"There were no hard feelings; it was the same feeling as any legitimate reason for not traveling."
"That being said, it doesn’t seem like your in-laws are being a**holes either. I think it’s okay for them to be disappointed, especially considering this doesn’t seem like such a temporary situation."
"You said it’s been several years of this status quo, so I can imagine that it can be disappointing for the family." ~ turtleshot19147
"NTA. My husband and I took separate vacations for ten years while we had horses."
"If you take on the responsibility for pets, you are responsible!"
"During that decade, we had one single night away as a family, and found a trainer who would stay at our place and take care of the animals, including the horses." ~ IllustriousPart3803
"NTA. You and your husband are living up to the responsibility that comes with having a pet with special needs."
"Her son will be there, so she should just accept that and enjoy the trip rather than being the doodie in the swimming pool." ~ Ishcabibbles
"NTA. In an ideal world, you would both go, but you can’t leave your dog with anyone, and people need to understand."
"Your dog is your responsibility, and you need to care for him."
"That is a valid reason not to attend, and it sounds like you visit them regularly as it is."
"You would never forgive yourself if something happened, so please do what’s best for you and for your doggie, and thank you for being a great parent to your dog." ~ Tangerine_74
OP returned to chat...
"In the past, we have driven 20+ hours with the dog to attend family events, but we always get separate accommodations and we keep him away from everyone."
"I won’t be able to do that this time since it is out of the country."
"He has a bite history, so he is not accepted at boarding facilities, and he cannot have someone come into our home for the same reason."
"We have tried so many times (not as much in recent years)."
"I am not choosing this; there are no care options."
"Also, y’all can stop telling me to euthanize my dog to go on a vacation."
This is not an easy situation, OP.
You're a good fur baby parent.
Sorry, this is difficult.
Reddit is with you.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp