Every now and then, we are willing to do favors purely out of the goodness of our hearts.
Even if it might mean spending a Saturday afternoon in a way we would rather not, or providing a service we would normally charge for completely gratis.
Of course, we should value our time as well.
And sometimes it is important that we draw a line, and tell people that if they want our help, it will require something on their part as well.
Redditor ceehorsey17 was more than happy to donate her time and effort to help her partner out with his work.
Until, that is, the original poster (OP) learned that her partner's future plans did not involve her in quite the way she expected.
As a result, the OP told her partner that if he still wanted her help at work, certain conditions needed to be met.
Wondering if she was out of line, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not agreeing to work for free on my partner's rental property business?"
The OP explained why she had a change of heart when it came to helping her partner at work:
"My partner and I have been together for three years."
"During this time I have helped him on remodeling some of his rental properties and other property management tasks."
"He helped me repair my home after a major flood incident."
"I would say up until this point, our work for work exchange has been fairly equal to slightly tipping the scale in his favor."
"He recently decided to completely gut and remodel one of the rental homes."
"This project is expected to take 6 months or more."
"We anticipate remodeling several of the properties over the next few years."
"This is going to be a significant time and labor investment."
"We have talked about marriage and what a prenup might look like."
"He has been clear in that he wants to keep his rental properties as separate property if we were to get married."
"He has even gone as far to say that he would want the rental properties even separate from me in his estate planning/will and that everything would go to his siblings."
"This has been alarming to me and quite hurtful."
"I understand he doesn't want to lose assets in the event we divorced but I truly don't understand the estate side of things."
"This detail makes a difference because we have a 13 year age gap and he would likely pass before me."
"I have told him that if he wants to keep the rental business separate, that's fine."
"But I will no longer be volunteering my time to his business."
"Basically that I won't be his free labor to enrich him and his family."
"If he wants me to come work on remodeling the properties, he will need to pay me as if I am an employee."
"I told him my pay rate would be $20 an hour."
"I have also suggested he call on his family to come help him."
"I am firm on this boundary right now."
"He is becoming resentful of my position on this."
"He believes that me helping him benefits both of us."
"I have asked him how it benefits both of us and he really can't quantify how it benefits me in any way."
"We have totally separate finances."
"I am on board to be a partner and teammate, but what he expects doesn't really look like a partnership to me."
"So, AITA for not agreeing to work on his rental property business for free?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for demanding to be paid when working on her partner's rental property.
Everyone agreed that the OP more than deserved to be compensated for her time, with many even urging the OP to question if staying in this relationship was a good idea after learning what she did about his will:
"NTA."
"Does he expect your house would remain solely as your asset?"
"Just curious."
"It sounds like he doesn't really view you as an equal partner, if he would leave his assets to his siblings, in your marriage."
"This is something I would really want to discuss and agree on before marriage."- CF_FI_Fly
"Wow, he sounds madly in love with you, huh?"
"NTA he's using you and thinks you're going to screw him over because he IS screwing you over."
"Do you see why it makes sense to him not to trust you?"
"Because he knows you shouldn't trust him."
"He's projecting."- magiemaddi
"NTA."
"If you move in together or get married this will be your life."- houseonpost
"NTA."
"And those rates are crazy low."
"It is unrealistic to expect you do the work for free and then his family benefit at his passing."
"I can not see in any way that this is acceptable."
"If there were kid issues maybe but sounds like there are none."
"Maybe an even split between you and the family, but still, he should be paying you in some way, but leaving you completely out of any premarital assets seems extreme."
"My husband and I have have assets, but like you, I have premarital assets that are mine and left to my kids and grandkids."
"He came into the marriage with NOTHING."
"But we now have 4 homes and cars and stuff, because of my funds not his."
"We had agreed what was mine will go to my kids what we accumulated together will be split amongst the grandkids."
"His and mine."
"His kids have treated me like sh*t throughout the marriage and now it is worse, now his grands get a set amount with specific jewelry pieces and mine now split the rest."
"There didn't used to be a his and mine, but his kids now have prevented me from seeing his grands as I spoil them too much, make them laugh and enjoy their time."
"I was falsely accused of something, and now they hold an even bigger grudge against me even though it was proven via video it was not me."
"So while I don't want to hurt the babes I do not want his kids to benefit from my death."-MrsNobodyspecial67
"NTA."
"He has basically told you that you get nothing from these properties."
"I can understand a few hours here or there for your partner, but that is not what he is asking of you."
"Why would you waste your time on them?"
"He wants to leave the properties to family, then family can use their time to assist in the renovations."- Worth-Season3645
"NTA."
"But this is more than just a simple disagreement."
"This man doesn't view you as an equal which is the basis for a healthy marriage."-Equivalent_Value_967
"NTA!"
"Good luck to him on getting someone to do construction work for $20 an hour!"
"Your boundaries are completely reasonable and totally understandable."
"Why would you put all that time and effort into HIS investments when, if something happens to him or your relationship, you walk away with nothing after all your hard (free) work."
"That's crazy!"
"He's resentful of your position because it calls out his selfishness and narcissism."
"Stand Strong!"- wisewoman707
"NTA."
"I think your request is 100% reasonable and provides you with motivation to assist your partner with HIS properties."
"He's trying to have his cake and eat it too, and to benefit from your unrecognized free labor."
"Your boundary is reasonable."
"If he's going to maintain 100% ownership of these properties until he dies, and then will pass them to other members of his family, how are you benefitting at all?"- KBD_in_PDX
"NTA."
"The truth is there isn't a long term benefit for you."
"You're sinking your time and lost labor into an asset that will never be yours and won't even inherit."
"In that light, you absolutely should insist on some compensation, bc otherwise you could invest in your own property or a side job."
"Sorry he's resentful but shit ain't cheap."- fullofschist
"Dude is running his rentals as a business."
"He wants it made clear under a prenup that these would remain separate and his, and you wouldn't get any benefit financial benefit from them."
"Yet He wants your free labor to keep his costs down."
"There is zero financial benefit to you and quality time spent together to help him profit doesn't count."
"It is very telling that he can't actually tell you what the benefits are."
"Taking his profit out of the company to pay for your vacations together?"
"Maybe."
"I really wouldn't."
"I wouldn't even collect rent or make other landlord-like efforts on his behalf."
"He's just pissed that he'd have to pay out of pocket, and it would take longer before the properties could become rentable."
"NTA."- Snackinpenguin
One has to question how much the OP's partner values her at all.
Considering he expects her to give up a sizable amount of time to help him with his business, yet not leave her any of that business in his will should they get married.
A partnership requires two equal amounts of give and take.
From everything the OP says, it seems she is giving her partner her all while he is taking advantage of her.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp