Growing up in poverty shapes a person's perspectives as much as growing up with extreme wealth. Even when a person's circumstances change, it can be difficult to shake those original views about money.
A husband turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback over a conflict with his wife.
NapkinZhangy asked:
"AITA for refusing to do certain chores?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My wife and I (both early 30s) recently bought our first house this month. We were renting apartments for our entire time prior to this purchase. With a house, there are definitely more chores that need to be done."
"Both my wife and I grew up poor and had to do a lot of chores and tasks ourselves. However, now we are doing well."
"I definitely grew out of the famine mindset and happily pay more for convenience. My wife still has a mindset that saving money is of utmost importance."
"I made it very clear that I would not be doing any lawn/yard work or maintenance, and that I would be hiring people. This means I won’t mow the lawn, trim the hedges, cut the tree branches, weed, etc..."
"I also told her that I refuse to deep clean the house at regular intervals, and that I would hire cleaners. I am still cleaning day to day (make bed, do dishes, gentle sweeping, picking up stuff, etc...) but for the bigger stuff, I would rather a housekeeper do it."
"I realize I am very fortunate to be in a position to do it. My reasoning is that we make decent money, and my free time is limited. Thus I place a lot of value on my time, and if I can outsource something, then I will."
"From a purely economic perspective, hiring someone to do the tasks would be cheaper per hour than if I did them. Plus it’d be done faster and by more experienced people."
"In addition (specifically related to yard work), I don’t want to do anything that can potentially injure my hands. My hands are my livelihood, and I already gave up a lot of hobbies (that can risk my hand health) for my career."
"My wife doesn’t really agree with my reasons and thinks I’m just lazy (to be fair, I can be at times). She thinks that as a homeowner, I have to be the one to take care of it."
"I can see her mindset, but to me, 'taking care of it' can include hiring people. We are at an impasse, and she thinks I’m an a**hole for refusing to take care of the home."
"So, AITA for not doing chores?"
The OP later added:
"Our jobs because of our industry are pretty much irreplaceable (at least in our lifetime). The cost of the services I want to pay for amounts to no more than a rounding error compared to our income."
"We both work. Household income almost 7 figures. We can comfortably pay for everything. I myself make 6 figures, so we could afford a housekeeper and landscaper even if she wasn't working any longer."
"Do you grow your own food? Make your own clothes? Cut your own hair? We hired movers, so why not this?"
"There’s a difference between picking up after yourself (which I do) and deep cleaning (which housekeepers do). We each do our own laundry. I do the dishes. We both cook and grocery shop."
"I worked my a** off to be in a position where I can pay someone to give me what I want instead of doing it myself. It’s like good groceries; why homestead when I can go to the grocery store?"
"I would be willing to discuss deep cleaning in lieu of a housekeeper."
"However, my doing yard work is a non-negotiable. I’m talking about either we hire someone, she does it, or we divorce. I am NOT doing any yard work or any other work that is even a little bit risky to my hands. I need my hands to do surgery."
"That’s non-negotiable."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA, but she may need more help getting out of the poverty mindset."
"Perhaps discuss how much you both are putting into savings, investments. How those will grow and protect both of you better from poverty in the future. Some couples do it weekly, others do it monthly." ~ Samantha38g
"I totally agree on this. I didn’t grow up exactly in poverty, but more poverty-adjacent, but my mom's undiagnosed ADHD made it feel like poverty (power and water cut-off, mad dashes to pay the mortgage, stuff like that). I was married 15 years before I realized that my poverty mindset was causing arguments with my husband that were easily solved by just making sure I had cash in my wallet so I didn’t FEEL poor."
"It didn’t matter if there were thousands in a bank account somewhere; having a moderate amount of cash in my wallet took away the clawing, screaming fear. Now, years and years later, I don’t use cash and don’t worry about money. It took longer to get there than maybe it would have had I had therapy."
"Therapy or at least a more frank conversation is likely called for. It might be as easy as it was for me, something small that calmed my very loud brain…" ~ Medical_Tomato8537
"If you are making enough to pay for the necessary share of bills, comfortably pay for lawn care and a housekeeper, assuming you can still save/invest for your eventual retirement, why not?"
"NTA, obviously." ~ FitzpleasureVibes
"Yeah, at 7 figures you're NTA to want to hire someone. Depends on where you live, but cleaners would be a drop in the bucket." ~ skinnykate
"Maybe it would help her if you framed it as helping other people out of poverty? NTA, obviously. Very few people would want to do those things if hiring people was barely a blip in their budget." ~ thedoodely
"One of the good things rich people can do (and you are rich) is employ people, thus contributing to the local economy. Maybe you can help her understand that you sitting on all your money does not help the local community but hiring people does." ~ Jolly-Masterpiece883
"Perhaps just talking to a professional together would be helpful? Whether it be a financial planner or couples counseling, perhaps that would be the extra support she needs to feel comfortable in her new position in life. NAH." ~ lllindseeey
"Wow, yeah, at 7 figures you should not feel the need to deep clean your own home and do yard work, unless you enjoy it. Why make that money unless it takes away the mundane chores you don’t want to do?" ~ oops_iboughtaplant
"You’re also helping your neighbors by hiring them and paying them for their expertise and services."
"This means that you pay them well to do the job well, and not cheaping out. In turn, they should be doing the job that you’re paying for and should be invited to gtfo if they’re not going to meet the standards that you’re paying for." ~ G_mork
"Maybe present it as: you are helping other people support themselves by hiring them to do work. Everyone wins (as long as you treat your employees fairly). Also, there is never-ending work to do as a homeowner. Hiring someone to do the weekly deep cleaning just frees you up to do more skilled work like managing your investments or whatever."
"I would LOVE if I had enough money to outsource the deep cleaning of my house. Love it. LOVE. IT." ~ Reasonable-Sale8611
"Definitely NTA. I used to be like your wife. I grew up lower middle class, and we definitely had some rough patches, which rubbed off on me as a kid. When I got a career that afforded considerable financial stability and freedom, I continued to take public transportation to work, arguing that I was 'saving money' by doing so."
"My boss, who drove to work and paid a ridiculous amount for a parking spot in the building, told me, 'you have to put a value on your time'."
"It's great advice. Was saving $50-$100 a month worth losing over an hour a day, five days a week, from spending time with my wife and (at the time) young kids? I decided that it wasn't, and started driving to the office. I went from a 45+ minute commute each way to about 10-15 minutes."
"But it took being forced to do it. I had a week where public transportation was down due to maintenance and the alternative was going to double my commute time, so I bit the bullet and drove in for a week. The flexibility and time savings were eye-opening and drove home the value of my time." ~ BropolloCreed
"I love having house help. In the houses I've had, I've had a weekly gardener and a weekly housekeeper."
"It's no different than having a dishwashing machine and a washer & dryer. These are things to make our lives easier."
"It's also employing people who need work and have families to support. Pay them fairly, give them gifts, treat them kindly and they're worth their weight in gold. NTA." ~ Wwwweeeeeeee
OP and his wife need to decide what they're making money for. If it's to have a better life, then paying someone to handle mundane chores seems to fit the bill.
