Beginning a new relationship is always an adjustment.
As you constantly worry that your new partner might not like things about you, and worry even more that you might discover things about your new partner that you don't particularly like yourself.
Over time, of course, most people find themselves loving their partner in spite of these ticks and quirks, possibly even growing to find those very traits cute rather than annoying.
Unfortunately, not everyone is so lucky, and might demand their partner change their ways.
Redditor ch3m1kal recently began a new relationship.
Things seemed to be going well, aside from one element of the original poster (OP)'s life that their new girlfriend simply couldn't tolerate.
Ultimately giving the OP an ultimatum that the OP had no intention to oblige.
Wondering if they were in the wrong, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for refusing to fire my housekeeper like my GF asked?"
The OP explained how their housekeeper inadvertently caused a wedge in their new relationship:
"So I've been dating a new girl for about a month, and we mostly get along great, but she gets extremely angry over the idea that I have a housekeeper come in every 2 weeks to clean my apartment."
"I tried talking to her about it, but she absolutely refuses to listen and just wants me to fire this woman who's worked for me for 10 years just because she feels bad about her."
"To be clear, they've never even met."
"Also, probably relevant is that we don't live together; this is my apartment."
"AITA for not playing along and firing a person who's done nothing wrong just because my new GF wants me to?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community overwhelmingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to fire their cleaning woman.
Everyone agreed that the demand of the OP's girlfriend was ridiculous, and if the OP should remove anyone from their life, it is their girlfriend, not their cleaning woman:
"NTA."
"Run away from your girlfriend quickly."
"She wants your housekeeper out so she can take that place and 'work' by moving into your apartment and not keeping it clean."- Creepy-Stable-6192
"NTA, that's super weird."
"Fire the girl, not the housekeeper."- PotentialAdorable405
"NTA."
"You need a new girlfriend."
"This one has baggage."
"Consider yourself lucky you don't live with her, don't have a child with her - and run!"- ClassicCommercial581
"What?"
"NTA ."
"Fire the girlfriend."- Forrest-cat
"NTA."
"This is controlling behaviour and needs to be nipped asap."
"Tell her no and she has 2 choices, move on and quit asking you to fire her or you break up because it's a crazy request."- zombiezmaj
"NTA."
"Ditch the girlfriend, not the housekeeper."
"Huge red flags all over this if g/f is being entitled about who comes into your apartment when she doesn't even live there."
"Also, f*cking weird ... I mean, I LOVED having someone come in and do the cleaning for me (cleaner resigned when her elderly care business got off the ground - and good for her - I can't afford to replace her just now, would in a heartbeat if I could!)."
"If you are paying someone PROPER money to do the shit you don't wanna do and they are willing to do it then I can't see what the problem is."- TeenySod
"NTA."
"RIP to every aspect of your life, relationships, hobbies, assets, and possibly career, if you stay with this woman."- Delicious_Peace_2526
"OP has had that agreement with the cleaning lady for 10 years."
"OP has been with gf one month."
"Keep the cleaning lady."
"NTA."- FrostyIcePrincess
"NTA."
"She's testing the waters to see what she can make you do."
"It's going to be downhill from there if you fire her."
"Fire your girlfriend instead."- shola_atw
"NTA."
"I genuinely think you've struck lucky here - your gf has shown her true colors early on, and you can nope your way out with a clear conscience!"
"As others have noted, she's started conditioning you to her ridiculous way of thinking, and if you put up with it, it'll only get worse."
"Personally, I'd go straight to the 'this isn't working for me' stage, and save a lot of hassle and heartache - it's only been a month, and dating is for exactly this reason: finding out if we're compatible'."
"Good luck - I think you're going to need it!'"- MoxieOHara
"Hell no, NTA."
"Why would your GF have a problem with the housekeeper, anyhow?"
"Also, it's easier to find a new GF than to find a new housekeeper, so choose accordingly."
"Can we get more info, though as to what your GF's problem with you having a housekeeper is?"- Ehrlichs-Reagent
"NTA."
"I don't like the Reddit kneejerk of 'dump the girlfriend' in general, but you've only been dating a single month?"
"Yeah, I wouldn't waste my time and break it off immediately."
"You haven't invested anything yet."
"That someone gets 'extremely angry' about anything within the first month is a gigantic red flag in itself."- Attygalle
"At a month into dating, you should be starting to think if you are falling in love."
"You are not at the stage where you get to dictate anything about the other person's lifestyle."
"And even if you were, a housekeeper is something a couple discusses at the living together stage, not before."
"There seems to be a trend recently of ladies (and some gents) testing the boundaries at this stage as if it's a game."
"I'd be tempted to say this is falling into this trend, which to me says run."
"NTA."- dragonetta123
"NTA."
"Why does she want this?"
"Why does she think it's her business?"- MmaRamotsweOS
"NTA."
"Dump your girlfriend."
"It's only been a month, and she's getting extremely angry over you employing someone for a decade?"
"Run."- Lil_lib_snowflake
"Run, don't walk, out of this relationship."
"That demand is insane and proof of worse things to come."
"NTA."- yuhju
"I don't usually say this, but you need to lose this girl."
"This is a big red flag."
"You've dated her one month, and she wants you to fire a loyal long-term employee."
"It's also really hard to find a trustworthy and consistent housekeeper."
"NTA."- ImportantRoutine1
"NTA."
"So your girlfriend is pro your cleaner losing a job because she doesn't feel right about it?"
"That's messed up."- CrabbiestAsp
"You've been dating her a month and she wants to push lifestyle changes on you?"
"Heck no."
"Nothing wrong with employing a housekeeper as long as you pay them well."
"NTA."- rayjaymor85
"Hey dude, your girlfriend dropped these [red flags]."
"NTA."
"She's testing to see how far she can push to get rid of any other women in your life."- NarrativeScorpion
"NTA."
"This is extremely strange behavior."- atealein
"NTA and to quote iron maiden 'run to the hillllls, run for your liiiiiife'."- Low_Party_3163
"Make sure the door doesn't hit your gf on her way out, of your life."
"NTA."- Emergency-Aardvark-6
"NTA."
"She wants you to fire the woman you hired for 10 years for absolutely no reason."
"You didn't come here to ask if you were the a**hole, you came here to confirm that your new gf is controlling and crazy."
"These kinds of people just get worse over time, btw."- Kortezxero
"NTA."
"Run away quickly."
"Do not pass go, do not collect $200."
"She is a walking red flag."- Coonpath
"NTA."
"Bro what?"
"New girlfriend is either insanely jealous and controlling, resents the fact that you have the income to pay for your housekeeper, or is playing some stupid game."
"Any which way, ditch the GF and keep the housekeeper."- your-mom04605
"NTA."
"I'd be happy seeing you have a housekeeper."
"House would be tidy and clean, and if I were to move in at one point, I wouldn't be the default maid."
"You are not losing your mind."
"Get yourself a better gf."- Apprehensive_Elk212
"NTA."
"Now grow a metaphorical pair."
"I'll be blunt: someone cute is (probably) having sex with you, so your brain has almost shut down."
"It can happen to anyone."
"I've been there."
"But you gotta stand up for yourself before you forget who you are."
"People do have surprisingly strong feelings about hiring cleaning help."
"As a middle-class kid, I felt weird about it when we first agreed to book a cleaning service."
"And I expressed those feelings."
"But I was a long-term household member when I did that, not a one-month romantic interest."
"And I didn't do it dismissively."
"We decided to go ahead, and now a former college football player does a meticulous job every two weeks so that my wife and I have enough time to pursue our jobs, side hustles, and interests."
"He's awesome, and we treat him accordingly."
"Let me take her side for a minute,e though."
"You guys have a big difference in values, and she told you early."
"That's kind of a service on her part."
"As long as you get the message."
"If she persists in being so dismissive of your life choices so early in the relationship, you guys are just not compatible."- tommyrotten2
It's not uncommon for people to be jealous of their partner spending time with a potential threat.
But to be jealous of someone who keeps their partner's home clean is a bit less common.
Making demands this big only one month into a relationship is a pretty risky move.
And risks this big seldom pay off...
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp