No family is perfect, but most people tend to side-eye the parents who choose to leave behind their children.
It's even worse when they later expect their children to make amends, agreed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Throwawayaita827 was surprised when her mother wanted to reunite with her after nearly 30 years of being in no contact.
But when she discovered why her mother wanted to see her, the Original Poster (OP) was hurt.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for not paying for my mom's surgery even though I have money for it?"
The OP was abandoned by her mother as a child.
"I (35 Female) lost my father very early when I was five years old."
"A few months after his death, my mother married a guy named 'John.' John already had two teenage boys and he didn't want to raise me because he never wanted to be a girl's father."
"My mother, like a good mother, abandoned me with my aunt and took my brother (eight at the time) with her to live with her husband."
"John was a man with a lot of money and he always spoiled my mother and brother, but he never bothered to get me even a Christmas present. My mother didn't do anything for me either, she came to visit me once a month and didn't even call me at Christmas or New Year (I always called, but many times she didn't answer)."
"My aunt was a woman who couldn't have children, and because of that, she and my uncle raised me as if I were their daughter, not missing anything for me."
The OP went on to create a good life for herself.
"Even without much money, I accumulated some money from the job I had during high school and I earned a small amount from my aunt, which was enough for me to pay for my college."
"At the time I graduated in computer science and went to work in a good company earning a great salary, but eight years ago I received a much better job offer in a large company (One well known for having great Hardware products)."
"At that time, I accumulated a lot of money and helped my uncle and aunt renovate their house and I always sent them a nice amount even if they told me to spend it on myself."
"I currently live alone in a great apartment with an estimated value in the millions."
"Recently my mom called me on my Instagram (I post a lot of pictures of trips and fancy places I go, so it's not too hard to find me). She asked if we could meet to talk and reevaluate our relationship to forget the past and move forward as mother and daughter."
"I have a soft heart so I took it, I thought it would be an opportunity for us to talk and finally create the bond I always wanted. We made an appointment at a restaurant downtown and met there."
The get-together did not go how the OP was hoping.
"When we got there, she hugged me, kissed me on the cheek, and said she missed me."
"We talked about my life and when I asked how hers was going, she started to talk about how bad she was. Apparently, she divorced John and my brother didn't want to keep her as she is now poor."
"To make matters worse, she lives on a pension from John and has serious heart problems."
"After a while, she asked if I could pay for the surgery she needed. The surgery was quite expensive, quite a lot."
"I told her I wouldn't pay as I wouldn't feel good doing that."
"She yelled at me in the middle of the restaurant, said I was a terrible daughter and that I was letting her die even though I could pay for her surgery."
"I left there very embarrassed."
The OP was left feeling conflicted.
"When I told my aunt, she said it was my decision but remarked that I have plenty of money to pay and that it wouldn't affect me financially."
"I don't want to do this because she never has been a mom to me, but I need to ask."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she was not wrong to withhold her money.
"NTA. She abandoned you; you don't owe her a thing."
"I'm calling bulls**t on the heart problems by the way. The fact she abandoned one of her children demonstrates she has no heart."
"You're better off without her." - PJfanRI
"The mother is an a**hole and extremely selfish. She was willing to abandon her daughter, I guess it can be assumed she is and never was a good mother in general."
"So she probably also wasn't a good mother for OP's brother either. I wouldn't blame any of her kids for not wanting to have her in their lives." - dontcareaboutaname
"I would have been shocked to find out she had a heart to malfunction, OP hasn't seen evidence of it for decades." - someone_actually_
"Personally, if I was even going to help a relative pay for surgery, I would never transfer them the money, I would ask them to forward me the bill to pay the hospital directly after they get it done. No funky business that way." - connicpu
"NTA. Take care of your aunt and uncle who took care of you and don't worry about the person who abandoned you." - thalliagorgon
"She literally abandoned you, her five-year-old daughter who had just lost her father, for a man."
"And she didn't care to 'reevaluate [that] relationship to forget the past and move forward as mother and daughter' until she had herself been abandoned and needed a sizeable chunk of money."
"NTA, OP. You are no more obligated to give her anything than you are any other random acquaintance, stranger, or betrayer. That piece of work who gave birth to you, on the other hand, is quite the AH."
"I'm sorry for what you went through. (Also sorry for what your mother is going through, because it's ridiculous to need exorbitant funding to get needed medical care, but she pretty thoroughly burned this particular bridge.)" - Bibliovoria
"NTA."
"Just decide what you can live with."
"It's unclear if your aunt is your mother's sister or not, you may want to take that into consideration too."
"Saying all that, your motherly clearly didn't care about catching up, she just wanted your help. She should have had more humility when you gave your answer." - IHaveSaidMyPiece
"NTA. Today it's surgery, tomorrow it will be recovery, then rent, bills, lifestyle, vacations then home care. And you will end up restricting your lifestyle for someone who threw you away so she could have the lifestyle she wanted."
"If she pops up again, tell her you are saving your money to help the people who raised you. You owe her nothing." - Sea-Supermarket-9728
Others agreed and felt the attempt at reuniting was purely financial.
"Clearly, NTA. The purpose of this reconciliation was financial." - Kooky_Football_6452
"100% Mom popped out of the woodwork now because she sees OP is successful." - GreenEyedHawk
"My favorite bit was her saying OP was a bad daughter. What kind of mother does she think she was?"
"As heartbreaking as it is, OP, your mom didn't want to reconnect with you to rebuild your relationship, she found out you had money and decided she was entitled to some. She'll have to learn the hard way that her actions have consequences." - Natural_Writer9702
"Yelling and getting stressed in a restaurant would not be good, and that she escalated so quickly without consideration to her own health smells like its not as bad as she is making out." - WonkyWhiskers
"It's not just the abandonment, it's the bit where they meet for the first time in decades and the mother wants her to pay for her surgery. So it wasn't about wanting to reconnect, it was all about the mother."
"OP is definitely NTA and needs away from her leech of a mother." - Scotsgift73
"NTA. Your mom didn't want a relationship with you. She wanted your money. And she would have expected you to support her for the rest of her life." - Far-Cup9063
"She wants something and it's not a relationship. The first husband was her ATM, which was worth more than her child, but now that her ATM is gone, she taught her son to be the same money grubber that she is, and he kicked her to the curb now that she's on a fixed income."
"Now OP is nothing more than the next ATM. Mom needs to get a job, health insurance and figure out life for herself." - Osidestarfish
"I don't believe that she is ill. She just saw a chance to get on money. She somehow heard that OP is rich and she even gave up her daughter to live with her rich husband!"
"It must be soooo hard to not have money anymore. She would do anything to get her hands on quick cash, like contacting OP and faking a heart disease."
"I bet if OP said, 'Yes, I will pay for it, but I will pay directly to the hospital,' she would find more excuses (or fake some bills)." - EvilFinch
The subReddit was frustrated on the OP's behalf for how her mother had treated her in light of the situation. They were certain if she had wanted to ask for such a large gesture, she could have offered more herself earlier in the OP's life.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp