Financial management is not a skill that we're born with but that we can learn and even master over time.
But those who spend money like eating candy can trap themselves in some really tough financial corners, cringed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor cositarica27 was disgusted with her sister's and brother-in-law's plan to dip into their son's college fund to bail themselves out of the financial burden they'd sunk themselves in.
Because the Original Poster (OP) refused to give them any of her nephew's money, she fully expected them to go no contact with her at some point.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for refusing to give my sister access to her teenage son's money?"
The OP agreed to manage a college fund for her nephew.
"My sister and family overall have poor money management skills, and my nephew, recognizing this, asked me to control his money for him since I am more responsible and manage my money well."
"He values responsible financial management, and after discussing it with him, I agreed."
"He's only a junior in college, but he's earned a decent amount of money through little jobs he's done here and there, as well as lifeguarding in the summer. When he needs money for something, I give it to him."
"Originally his account was linked to my bank but in his name, that way I can do easy transfers for him when needed."
"He's 19, but he does not want me off the account; I have asked him. He wants to wait till he is done with college and can move away for good. Since right now he still has to come home for holidays and summer time. He is not confrontational at all, and they would try to use that to take his money."
The OP's sister's financial situation recently got a lot worse.
"Now, recently, his mom (my sister) and her husband somehow bought a house way beyond their means. I really don't know how they got approved. But now they are drowning in bills and are consistently behind on their payments."
"My sister recently called her son in college and asked him to give them what he has so they can cover some bills. My nephew, being the honest kid he is, actually told them how much he has saved, upwards of 5,000, and they wanted all of it."
"He said no because he's saving this money for when he graduates so he can buy a car or maybe move out and start his life."
The OP's nephew's parents tried to pressure him into giving them his money.
"My sister then forcefully tried to go to his bank and demand money be withdrawn, but she was denied since I am the main account holder."
"My sister called me and insisted I transfer her the money because it's her son, and she has a right to that money."
"I stood my ground and said no, it's not fair to take from him and what he's worked for, especially since I know for a fact they won't pay him back."
"My nephew offered them a compromise of giving them 1,000 dollars free and clear, but they want all of it."
"I refuse to release it as my nephew has told me he doesn't want to."
The family showed their true colors against the OP and her nephew.
"Now my sister has called our mom and the entire family to make me look like a controlling b***h and saying how I am trying to parent her son and teach him bad manners and not to help the family. She's telling everyone I should give her control of the money because it's her son."
"So, AITA for standing my ground and refusing to give my sister access to her teenage son's money, even though he and I both think it's in his best interest to have responsible financial oversight?"
"I'm wondering if I am since they really need it and may lose a lot without it, but my nephew said no, and it's his money, and I want to respect him."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were shocked at the teen's parents' entitlement.
"NTA. Your sister and her husband are absolute garbage parents."
"The audacity to demand thousands of dollars of their child's money who doesn't even live with them anymore is straight up BANANAS."
"The awful entitlement to march into a bank and try to demand that child's money is pathetic and abusive."
"The OP said, 'Now my sister has called our mom and the entire family to make me look like a controlling b***h and saying how I am trying to parent her son and teach him bad manners and not to help the family. She's telling everyone I should give her control of the money cause it's her son.'"
"Fight fire with fire on this one. Make sure EVERY EAR that will LISTEN knows that your nephew came to YOU to manage and protect their money, and not the other way around. Make sure everyone knows that even their 20-year-old (ish) son knows how bad they are with money. So much so that he needed, and sought out on his own, external help with his money to avoid the mistakes that his parents had repeatedly made."
"What a great decision your nephew made to entrust you with their money. Absolutely brilliant. Stand your ground, don't give that money up." - Aggressive-Bed3269
"NTA. You'd actually be committing theft if you gave an adult's money to anyone else against their will. And a betrayal of your nephew. I wouldn't blame him if he sued you or called the police on you if you did that."
"And $5,000 wouldn't help them much in the long run anyway. They'll be in the same predicament next month. Then where will they get the money?" - Quix66
"NTA. My dad raised me with the belief that if you are taking money from your child to bail you out of your own financial problems, you are failing that child as a parent."
"He started telling me this when I got my first job and was giving two-thirds of my checks to help my mother, who I was not living with at the time, but she was giving me the guilt trip that she was losing her house. She neglected to say that she was losing her house due to bad financial decisions, but that's to be expected."
"Anyway, the moral of the story is a child shouldn't have to bail their parents out. The parents are supposed to be the ones looking out for them, setting examples. Not taking advantage of them and fleecing them for whatever money they can get." - Reyvakitten
"NTA. This is exactly why he asked you to do this in the first place."
"Do not give her a cent. Honestly, I wouldn't even release the 1,000 to her. She isn't deserving of it and it's not your nephew's fault to pick up the pieces due to his mom's terrible financial decisions. 1k is a lot of money to a college student, and it's 20% of his savings. No way would I give his mom a single penny. He will thank you later."
"You're a good guardian. Everyone needs someone like you!!! Keep supporting and protecting him!" - Katiew84
"NTA. If you are so desperate to take money from your son, then you are a bad parent. Hold tight. Someone needs to do what's right for that kid here. It's his money." - bxclrn
Others agreed and supported the OP in having her nephew's back.
"NTA. This is literally why he asked you to help him. You would be the AH if you caved. Any relatives who disagree do not have his best interest at heart." - UponHerEyes
"NTA. You are doing exactly what your nephew wants and needs you to do, and kudos to you for that."
"If anyone from your family starts b*tching at you for not giving her access, tell them they are welcome to donate money themselves." - ed_luv
"NTA. You are protecting your nephew from your AH sister. Don't give in; continue to support your nephew in this. He may need you if his parents get really petty and start telling him not to come home."
"You said it yourself: your sister bought a house she can't afford. It's not your problem and not your nephew's problem. You weren't consulted in their purchase. They should adult and figure it out."
"(I am assuming they are not paying his college tuition.)" - SelfImportantCat
"Of course you're NTA. Your nephew is an adult and can decide what to do with his own money. Clearly, he trusts you over his parents to be on a bank account with him because he knows you won't steal from him, which isn't something he could count on with his own parents. Your sister has no right to that money."
"You can always see about taking your name off the account so it wouldn't even be an option, and then she can stop asking. If your nephew plans to save the money until after graduation, encourage him to put most of it in a CD or other account that doesn't allow withdrawals until the term ends." - Ajstross
"Your nephew needs to have his credit checked. There's a more than good chance they've opened credit lines in your nephew's name, or they're about to start doing that. He should also then freeze his credit."
"I would also consider moving his money to an entirely different bank, one where his parents hold no accounts, and never her tell what the new bank is. She may keep trying to get into the account now that she knows where it is, and a teller may make a well-intentioned error in trying to help the mom, especially if she tells a whopper of a lie to manipulate the situation." - AnyQuantity1
The subReddit was disgusted that the parents were prioritizing their own needs over their son's, especially since they planned to use his money to bail themselves out of their own questionable financial choices.
The most they could possibly hope for at this point was that poor financial management wasn't hereditary.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp