For anyone who has children and isn't 100% homeschooling them, they'll at some point face the difficult task of placing their children in some form of childcare.
Unfortunately, there are some troubling stories of childcare gone wrong, especially on the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Nannythrowaway00 recently found out, for instance, that her nanny may have been portraying an inaccurate depiction of her relationship with the child she was caring for in front of the neighbors.
When the nanny tried to downplay the situation, the Original Poster (OP) did the only thing she thought she could do, which had consequences of its own.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for firing my nanny after she didn't correct people who thought she was my child's mother?"
The OP hired a nanny who looked a lot like her daughter.
"I (35 [Female]) am Asian American and my SO (38 [Male]) is White."
"Our child (2) ended up getting all of my SO's recessive genes and looks almost entirely White."
"This is a rather sore point for me, since I often get mistaken for the babysitter."
"We have a nanny, Mary (25 [Female]), who coincidentally has the same color hair and eyes as my child (very light, golden brown hair and greenish hazel eyes)."
"Mary is great with my child and she seems to genuinely care about my child."
"I work unusual and long hours (emergency physician) so I don't really see my neighbors very frequently."
The OP recently had a confusing experience while at home.
"Today, I happened to have a day off and ran into my neighbor while walking with my child."
"The neighbor said hi to my child and asked if I was the new nanny."
"I said no, I'm the mom."
"The neighbor seemed very confused and said that she had been under the impression that Mary was the mom."
"At first, I was annoyed but assumed it was an honest mistake (a lot of people think this when they see them together because of their similar coloring)."
"However, my neighbor then told me that Mary was telling people she was the mom and that she had heard my child refer to Mary as 'mama.'"
The OP approached her nanny with her concerns.
"I confronted Mary about this the next time she was over, and she basically brushed it off and said she didn't actually tell people that, she just didn't correct their assumptions."
"I then asked her about my child calling her 'mama,' and Mary told me it's short for Mary (her name isn't actually Mary btw, but it is a name that starts with 'Ma' also)."
"I was really angry at that point and told her she was fired."
"She got very upset and started crying, saying she needed the money, that she loved my child, and that this was incredibly unfair."
"I stood my ground and she left. (I ended up leaving my child with my mom, so I could go to work.)"
Feelings after that were complicated.
"My husband came home later and got angry with me for firing Mary without consulting him and for not having any backup plan for childcare."
"We are now scrambling to find a daycare or nanny ASAP and my mom has to watch my child in the interim."
"My husband thinks I overreacted and that I'm just sensitive to this issue because our child doesn't look like me."
"I do kind of feel like an AH now because our childcare situation is a mess and Mary is out of work with no notice."
"But at the same time, it feels really sketchy to me that someone is masquerading as my child's mother."
The OP also clarified what bothered her the most about the situation.
"I want to clarify that my sensitivity doesn't stem from the fact that my child doesn't look like me physically, but the racial undertones that come with the automatic assumption that I (a POC) must be the babysitter."
"Most White adoptive parents are not mistaken for a babysitter while out with their POC children, but almost all POC parents of White-passing children are assumed to be a babysitter, rather than either the adoptive or bio parent."
"I am bothered by the inherent racism in the fact that the vast majority of people assume that I must be a babysitter, despite the fact that my child is clearly treating me as a mother."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some empathized with the OP's concerns.
"This is a developmental stage for most (if not all) toddlers. They learn the names of things they're familiar with at home (mama, dada, doggy/ kitty, bottle/ apple, etc) and everything similar out in the big world becomes that name until they learn (and remember) new names."
"So every woman becomes 'mama' until they learn grandma, aunt, miss, etc; men are 'dada' before grandpa, uncle, mister; 'doggy' or 'kitty' for animals until horse, sheep, turtle, bird, etc are learned... you get the picture."
"The problem here isn't that the child called the nanny 'mama,' it's that she didn't correct anyone - toddler or neighbor - and didn't see fit to make mom and dad aware that toddler's been using the wrong name so the parents could also help correct it."
"I would think that part of being a nanny isn't just about the health & safety of a child, but to also help teach them because everything is a learning opportunity at that age." - TheTinmansDaughter
"Let's not let the name thing distract from the fact that she is allowing her employer's neighbors to believe that she is the child's mother. There is something seriously f**ked up about that." - BlueBirdOcean
"The fact the nanny minimized your feelings instead of apologizing and agreeing profusely not to do it in the future tells you everything you need to know. It's a bummer you're out of childcare, but better than having future problems with her and the neighbors. NTA!" - BikiniAimz
"NTA - My mother is Asian and my father is White; he remarried a White woman and has blonde kids with her and I am mistaken for the babysitter all the time. It IS painful!! I'm validating your pain because it's real and legitimate and hurtful when you are constantly reminded that your loved ones don't look like you and you are made to feel DIFFERENT than them because of it!"
"It's really f**king weird she wouldn't correct people and was possibly even pretending your child was hers?? That definitely crossed a boundary. It could have been the first warning, but I also respect your right to fire the person around your CHILD for this reason too."
"Your SO has a point, it would've been a nice convo to have beforehand but I don't think you're an asshole for doing this. I get your pain, OP, I'm so sorry." - og_kitten_mittens
Others agreed but also understood why the husband was worried about childcare.
"His reaction makes sense in the context of a panorama. Childcare is extremely difficult to find right now. In the US many daycares closed during or soon after shutdown. So many have less staff so they have to take fewer kids."
"Add to it many are having fewer kids in each room for safety issues. So people are looking for nannies to fill the void. In my Reddit bump group, I've seen multiple people struggle to find daycares that will take their kids or nannies that are reliable that work out."
"My daycare is awesome and they are short-staffed. We would have been screwed if we didn't have a spot before the panorama." - sraydenk
"The husband's reaction is more due to the lack of a heads up and having the stress of replacing the babysitter spring in him without a conversation."
"NTA btw (by the way), I 100% agree with firing her and get in the moment not being able to consult with your husband first but do understand where his frustration came from initially, especially if he didn't have the full story about her pretending to be your kid's mom around the neighborhood and having them call her mama."
"I would give the husband a pass on the initial reaction being frustrated/upset that how things went down, and that he wasn't able to be a part of the decision and was unprepared for the situation and reacted out of frustration from the added stress and lack of ability to prepare for the stress from the situation due to the surprise aspect."
"Also sounds like he got defensive mainly without having the whole story and being able to process how messed up and inappropriate what Mary was doing with your daughter paired with not wanting to have to go through the stress of rushing around trying to find a new nanny/child care in a rush as soon as you can but also making sure they are good and your child will be safe and healthy with them." - moose3025
Some even thought this could become a safety concern.
"The issue here is that Mary was intentionally cultivating mama as a nickname for the child to use and given that mom's a POC and the child is White-passing, this can be a literal safety issue."
"People have often refused to believe that a POC can have a White-passing child and called the cops to report a kidnapping or Called CPS on them despite being told they're the kid's parents. Mary also brushed off the mom's concerns as if they're nbd (no big deal). NTA at all" - MountainBean3479
"I'm also Biracial with a White dad and a Black mom, and I was out at a restaurant with my dad. When we went out to the car, a police officer came up to us and said some patrons at the restaurant had called because they were 'concerned for my safety'."
"He asked me who my dad was and I said he was my dad, and then he started asking me all kinds of questions about where I lived, my address, etc. I remember crying, insisting that it really was my dad."
"My parents tell me this actually happened twice but I only remember the one time." - moviequote88
But some didn't see what the problem was.
"My 2-year-old points at women and says 'mama' and all older men are 'dada'. It's kind of funny. Today we were at the park and a woman was going for a run. Kiddo points to her and says 'mama'." - sraydenk
"No, but many toddlers call every female figure in their life mama/mom and every male dad/dada. it's what kids do. that part doesn't seem like a huge deal to me."
"What I do wonder is how obvious the neighbors were about thinking mary was the mom. like did they say have a conversation with her and it came up or have they just been observing mary and the kid, maybe just saying hi but not actually making a comment about it."
"also how is it that OP's own neighbors don't recognize her at all, is she never home during the day - even with her work schedule that seems kind of odd? her not being around while the kid is awake could be a contributing factor to her child calling other people mom" - duchess_of_fire
"Yeah I'm not really understanding how OP doesn't know her neighbors whatsoever, so they are strangers, but she wants the nanny to feel comfortable telling them, 'yeah I'm the nanny I'm alone in this home with a small child and I don't live here.' I wouldn't correct them either" - squishandswift
After receiving responses, the OP posted an update.
"I wasn't expecting this to get so many responses, thank you for taking the time to respond."
"I noticed a lot of dismissive attitudes from non-POCs in the comments. This is the very same attitude that caused me to become angry with Mary. She downplayed my very real reasons for being upset and additionally implied that my child just looked White."
"Part of being a good nanny for a Biracial child is to help that child understand and be proud of their heritage."
"This post made me reflect on why I became so upset with Mary and realized that I had excused many microaggressions by Mary because of her youth and her otherwise good relationship with my child."
"For example, Mary only ever gave my child the lighter-skinned dolls (despite us having dolls of all skin tones), Mary joked about how much safer our neighborhood was than hers, Mary never gave my child Asian food (even though I would leave a lot in the fridge and encourage her to heat it up), etc."
"Maybe some of you will not understand the significance of such microaggressions, but these sort of subtle actions shape the mindset of young children."
"That being said, I do sympathize with Mary's financial situation so I will offer her some severance pay."
Most of the thread understood why the OP was concerned at her nanny's behavior around her child, though they could also sympathize with the troubles she and her husband might face in finding new childcare options.
Ultimately, it's more important to trust the people caring for your children, and the rest will fall into place.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp