Everyone likes to have an idea of what their future might look like, specifically when it comes to family planning.
No matter how hard we try, however, no one can ever be certain what the future holds.
Often, we have to pivot or make choices we'd rather not have to make.
With some being unlucky enough to have others tell them what they should and shouldn't do with their lives.
Redditor DiligentThought9 and his wife were about to enter an exciting new chapter.
With this new chapter came many expectations from the original poster (OP)'s future in-laws.
The OP was not at all in favor of these expectations, given his and his fiancée's financial situation.
Wondering if he was wrong for feeling this way, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole Here" (AITAH).
Unlike the similar 'Am I The A**Hole' (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Voting acronyms aren't required, and no final judgment is declared.
The OP asked fellow Redditors:
"AITAH for telling my fiancé she cannot be a stay at home mom in the future?"
The OP explained why they were not appreciative of their in-laws' questions and suggestions regarding his and his fiancée's future planning:
"I (34 M[ale]) and my fiancée (33 F[emale]) are getting married next year, and we are in agreement about having a child within 2 years."
"Recently, she and her family have broached the topic of her quitting her job and staying home with the child, at least until our kid gets to school age."
"I am against this."
"I make between 85-95k a year pending bonuses and her salary is 53k."
"Financially, we could make it on my pay alone if it wasn’t for her student loans."
'She has 120,000 dollars in private student loans."
"These loans have a payment of 850 dollars every month; there is no option for forbearance like public loans or adjusting the payment for income."
"This simply doesn’t fit in the budget."
"My fiancé seems to understand this, but her family (mother in particular) is really pushing her being at home."
"I don’t want to come across as forcing her to do something she doesn’t want to do or be accused of not putting my future child first, but to me the answer is in black and white on the spreadsheet."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in, with some using the voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community saw where the OP was coming from.
Just about everyone agreed that the OP was merely thinking practically and his mother-in-law was shoving her nose where it didn't belong, with many even arguing that if the OP's in-laws are so determined for their daughter to be a stay-at-home mom, then they should pay off her student loans:
"NTA,"
"But it is a fixable issue."
"If your in-laws want your fiancé to stay home, they should just pay off her student debt."- Traditional-Trade795
"Do an experiment."
"Spend the next couple of years (before kids) living off your paycheck alone."
"Use her paycheck to pay off the loans early."
"You’ll pay off the loans early, saving on interest, and discover if your salary can actually support the two of you (without the added expenses of a baby)."
"If it doesn’t work, you’ll still have her salary as a cushion, and she’ll understand the importance of bringing in that salary."
"If it does work, then you can reevaluate your parenting plan to include her being a SAHM."- Maleficent_Maize_409
"Her mom can pay off her student loans if she wants to give her opinion."
"You cannot afford to pay for her student loans and have your fiancée stay home."
"Her job is what covers the cost of the loans and provides a financial buffer."
"Your fiancée is responsible for shutting her mom down."
"NTA."- Natenat04
"Why is your fiancée allowing her mother to give input into things that should be private between the two of you?"
"Does she secretly agree that she should stay home?"
"Be careful this won't get better with time."
"NTA."- Top-Bit85
"All that matters is what you and your fiancée decide and agree on."- SDinCH
"Live off just your income NOW and have her put her WHOLE INCOME towards her student loans."
"She’ll have them paid off in 3 years."
'Plan for the baby at the end of those 3 years."
"you don’t want all that debt when you start a new family."- CharKrat
"NTA."
"Together, you don’t bring in enough income to live on only one salary."
"Your single income is a struggle income."
"That’s the simple fact."
"She wants to take a 5-6 year break from work — assuming you only have one child — and speaking as a mom with children finally out of elementary school, there is so much that happens in the morning, during the school day, and after school that she will want to be there for."
"It is incredibly hard to be a working mom and not to be present for the school day / after school activities."
"She is not going to want to return to work after being a stay-at-home mom when your children are in pre-K, kindergarten, and elementary."
"Babies are expensive; daycare costs are absurd (in the US), but that’s a finite time."
"It is much harder for a mom to return to the workforce after taking a mommy break."
"It is absolutely possible, but it’s hard."
"You also need to consider retirement, the size of your home, vacation, paid activities for the kid… it adds up."- ribbitrabbit2000
"NTA."
"Her mom should have been pushing her to not take out 120k in private student loans to only make 53k a year."
"That’s when momma advice would have been more helpful."- Embarrassed_Hat_2904
"'You allowed her to accumulate 120k in student loan debt, so we can't afford her at home. But if you pay that off, we can afford her to be a SAHM. When can we expect the check?'"- WorkMeBaby1MoreTime
"Neither of you are ready to be married or have a child if you aren’t in agreement on this."
"Also, your future in-laws sound overbearing."- Holiday_Beautiful297
"$120k on student loans to make $53k?"
"Ouch."
"The math doesn’t work for me."
"If she stays home until the kids are in school - will she even still have the job skills to get back into her field?"
"If you wait to have kids, she might not give birth until her late 30s, making her early to mid 40s trying to re-enter an always changing job force."
"How will she keep her skills current to match the market?"
"I know someone who was in tech, dropped out to raise her kids, trying to get back in now."
"She doesn’t have the same skills that are needed today."
"AND If you and your girlfriend’s financial house don’t align - that’s yet another problem here."
"Are you sure you are ready for marriage?"- No_Profile_3343
"NTA."
"Being a SAHM is a valid choice, but it has to be a decision you and your fiancée make together, not something her mother decides for you."
"$120k in private student loans plus an $850/month payment makes giving up a $53k salary a significant financial hit."
"You’re not saying she can never stay home."
"You’re saying the numbers don’t currently support it."
"This is something you two need to agree on before getting married and having a child, including what needs to happen financially for her to become a SAHM."- Far-Swim7394
"Is your fiancée really in favor of not quitting?"
"Do you trust her to have a baby and then go back to work after maternity leave?"
"If this is just her MIL pushing, that is fixable."
"If it is your fiancee, that is a way bigger problem."- OneMoreTimeJack
"I have to wonder at her parents that would let her rack up 130k in loans to start her life and then tell her to quit work to have a child."- logical-sanity
"Well, if her family convinced her it was ok to take out $120K in (private!!!!!) student loans for a career that tops out at half that, then you know how good their advice is gonna be about everything else."
"You are NTA."
'Personally I'd postpone the wedding, because it sounds like her mother is gonna be a problem."
"And I wouldn't be so sure that any deal you make before the wedding will hold up when the baby comes."
"IMO marrying someone with this kind of debt would be a deal breaker."
"That $850 a month is essentially for life the way those loans are structured-more than 25% of her income."
"I've seen too many examples of someone paying for 20 years or more and the principal never gets touched; in fact, it gets bigger. be careful."- Odd-Worth7752
It's hard to imagine any parents who don't wish they could scale back their work, or stop working entirely, to pay more attention to their families.
Unfortunately, for most parents, that simply isn't possible.
The OP's in-laws need to take that into account, rather than pressure their child into a life she can't afford.
