Whether we enjoy being around children or not, we've likely all met at least one child who was difficult, if not impossible, to be around.
From the volume of their voices to the number of items they unapologetically break, it's exhausting, agreed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Educational-Aide-572 was struggling to enjoy inviting her niece and nephew to her home because her nephew had a long history of intentionally destroying her property.
When her brother called her out for excluding her nephew, the Original Poster (OP) decided to make it clear where her reservations were coming from.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for sending my brother a list of every item of ours that my nephew ruined?"
The OP's nephew had a bad habit of destroying other people's things.
"For context, I (25 Female) have a niece (Bella, 7 Female) and a nephew (Michael, 10 Male). They're my brother Alex's kids. I love them both but I have a much closer relationship with Bella."
"Michael is a good kid, but he is a ticking time bomb. He is absolutely uncontrollable. I'm his aunt and I love him, but I really can't have him around for long."
"The last time he was in our house, he poured my nail polish collection onto my wife's favorite silk Persian carpet. And that isn't even one percent of the damage he has done."
Michael's behavior was impacting the OP's relationship with the rest of the family.
"My wife (27 Female) and I recently bought a villa out of town. It has a game room, pool, and many things Bella adores."
"So we offered to give her a tour of the place and let her check out the rose garden there if Alex and his wife agreed."
"Alex said either both Michael and Bella were to be included or none of them were going."
"My wife and I both insisted on only taking Bella, but he was not having it, so we said we would just go by ourselves."
This latest arrangement led to a serious argument.
"Alex got really mad at us and said it was disgusting that we favored Bella because she was a girl and that we were both hypocritical and unfair to Michael, and never included him in our plans."
"I told my brother that Michael was an uncontrollable kid."
"He had the audacity to ask what Michael had done."
"I told him I'd let him know (I've told him the items over the years as it happened but he always said it was an accident and that Michael's a boy and boys play rough)."
The OP decided not to hold back on the list of damages.
"I made a table including every item my nephew damaged in our house and the estimated cost."
"It included a few of my wife's antique vases, her glass statue of the Eiffel Tower, Persian carpet, several of my wife's crystal decorative items, and two phones (he flushed them down the toilet). Even the mirror of my car. I sent the list to Alex."
"He is now extremely angry with me and thinks I am being an arrogant person, and taking after my wife's trait of being an uptight rich kid."
"I am not talking to him at the moment."
"Was what I did AH territory?"
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some understood the OP's concerns and thought the nephew needed assistance.
"NTA. This is out-of-control impulsivity. Michael needs a proper evaluation by a professional. This sounds like ADHD and possibly ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder) on top of it. OT (Occupational Therapy) changed my son's life after we finally got passed the 'he's just a high-strung little boy' and got a proper diagnosis."
"If your brother and SIL keep ignoring the issue, I would pull a YTA thing and call the school and issue an anonymous complaint about his behavior. Hearing there may be a problem from a professional and not his sister may be an eye-opener. This could be Michael crying for help and not knowing or understanding how else to do it." - gingerred81
"The stupid sexist 'boys play it rough' apart, flushing two phones down the loo, and spilling a WHOLE COLLECTION of nail polish on a carpet are by no means results of 'playing it rough.' These are deliberate attempts to cause harm."
"OP, NTA in relation to the kid, and YTA just to yourself and your wife for not resolving it earlier."
"It seems that this kid has been behaving inappropriately for quite a long time and you did not say anything to your brother until now. I hope you at least said something to the kid when he flushed the phone to make him know these things are NOT DONE:"
"I'd bet you hate this kid, I definitely would. It may not be his fault but that of your brother's bad parenting but I wouldn't want to be around him much if he behaves that way." - Prangelina
"NTA."
"While I understand your brother's point about both kids or none, and I generally tend to agree in most cases, this is not the same."
"So long as you're not leaving out any damages your niece has done, this clearly isn't about a gender preference. This is more of an actions have consequences situation. While it might feel unfair to Michael, this is the opportunity for his parents to teach him to behave better in other people's homes. I also don't think it would be fair for the niece to be denied things due to her brother's behavior."
"Also, people need to be more realistic in life. Don't ask a question you don't truly want the answer to or can't handle the answer to. As well, you can love your kids and still understand where they may have faults. Instead of ignoring there's a problem, work to fix it." - petty_penny_pincher
"NTA. The key takeaway is that he's not your child."
"It sounds like you and your wife have chosen a child-free lifestyle, which is fine. Because of that decision, you and your wife live a particular way, which is also fine."
"What's not fine is a grown adult expecting someone else to ignore their child's bad behavior. Especially when said child is destroying your property."
"Children that grow up without consequences struggle as adults in society." - HippieFarmer22
"NTA, if someone's kid ruins your stuff that person should replace the destroyed item. No questions asked."
"My concern for your nephew is worth noting. Michael is being allowed to act inappropriately by his parents (or maybe just your brother?) and THAT is also favoring one child over the other. They are allowing him to act poorly because 'boys will be boys' so they are enabling that nonsense."
"Beyond that though, have they had Michael assessed for ADHD, behavioral issues, etc? There might be something there to find that could help him."
"I worry about the language Michael might be hearing as well. Saying he is 'uncontrollable' is saying he is 'bad,' and I highly doubt he is unaware of your feelings and I also highly doubt you're the only people who've said such things about/to him."
"This can be very damaging for a child. And while his behavior is not good, there is most definitely a reason for it that his parents haven't unearthed."
"Honestly, his parents are the A H in every sense here. To you (and anyone else who has damaged property from their son). But most importantly to their own kids: first to Michael because they are failing him by not getting to the source of his behavior and making it better for him, and secondly, to Bella as she most definitely sees and feels the inequities in how she and Michael are treated." - manonaca
Others were suspicious Michael behaved this way because of the OP's view of him.
"Possibly YTA."
"How is it that Bella is played out to be a perfect little angel while Michael is completely out of control, to the point where you are referring to this 10-year-old as 'a ticking time bomb'? How do you treat these kids when you're around them?"
"It sounds to me like you drastically favor Bella and have for a very long time, and that Michael knows it. The behavior Michael is displaying is right in line with a child trying desperately to reach out for attention. He's so unhinged that you can't keep him under control while guiding him through a new house...? But his sister is a perfect angel?"
"The dad denying Michael's behavior, and the fact that Bella is so well-behaved, has me highly suspicious that his outbursts are directly related to you and your treatment of him. Sounds to me like you don't like him so you don't pay attention to him when he's over, so he tries to make his own fun and ends up breaking stuff while you're doing something else." - bushpotatoe
"Didn't even have to finish reading to know YTA."
"You overtly favor your niece and snub your nephew. You sound like you need to go to therapy for your cruelty to BOTH of those kids. You have decided Bella is the golden child and that her brother isn't worth your time."
"Do you ever think that he acts out more around you because you ignore him? Do you think maybe you are excluding Michael because he is male? Maybe you should think about why you have labeled Micheal as the problem child instead of investing in a relationship with him."
"YTA. Just to be clear YTA. All day." - GolfSignal9401
"YTA for thinking you can invite one kid and not the other. That is not ok, regardless of the damage the one has done before. The reason for the kid's unruly behavior might be complex, and being excluded by another family could make it worse."
"NTA for making a list of damages done by a kid and sending it to a parent when you agreed to do this beforehand... However, I don't understand how you watch these kids since they're able to wreak so much havoc in front of you?" - FlowerOk3892
"Overall, I don't think YTA. However, I do understand why your brother was so angry about you insisting on leaving Michael behind and only taking Bella to see the Villa. For that reason alone, yes, YTA."
"Yes, Michael is destructive & while that's not acceptable behavior and should not be condoned, he is still just a child, and to blatantly leave him out will truly do some long-lasting damage."
"Also, if Michael is truly as much of a 'ticking time bomb' as you say he is, why isn't he supervised more closely? I just don't really understand how he has managed to break/ruin so many different items unless he is truly left by himself for a long enough period of time. That being said, he is ten, and he should be able to be left alone in a room for a short period of time without causing so much trouble."
"I would definitely ask your brother to sit down and have a serious conversation with you about your Nephew. I think if you come at it from an angle of concern rather than anger or frustration, it will go a little bit more smoothly. However, just know that your brother may react defensively at first because after all, that is his child, and he may feel like you're attacking Michael."
"If something can't be done to remedy the situation, perhaps you could spend time with Michael and Bella somewhere other than your home. (The park, arcade, etc.)" - Not-your-mom96
Everyone in the subReddit could understand the OP's frustrations with items being ruined, one after the next, when her nephew visited her home, but they were more divided on how the situation was being handled.
Most felt that Michael needed some form of evaluation to see if there were underlying causes for his behaviors, but some thought that favoritism could be playing a part, as well, between the OP and Bella, or even his parent's excusing his behavior with 'boys with be boys' talk.
No matter what the underlying issues were, it was clear that Michael needed more attention, whether it was specific attention that would help him learn new coping strategies or simply attention at all.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp