Redditor ExpensiveStretch9345 recently had a run-in with his aunt regarding his cousin and his new car.
The Original Poster (OP) refused to let his aunt's disabled son ride in his brand new Mustang.
When the OP's aunt kept pressing the issue he bluntly explained why, further upsetting her.
The OP eventually turned to subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA).
He asked:
"AITA for bluntly telling someone why their disabled son isn't allowed in my muscle car?"
He went on to explain.
"I [26-year-old male] work full-time as a driving instructor. Due to the location of my school, the bulk of the people I work with are from a rehab center next door."
"This has sadly led to my current situation with my aunt over her disabled son [14-year-old male] who attends a day program they host."
"It started a month ago when I picked up the Mustang I had pre-ordered through a dealership. Upon seeing it she began to ask if I could take her son for a ride in it."
"No matter how many times I would tell her no she refused to accept it and would try to guilt trip me."
"Things peaked this week when I bluntly told her that I work fifty hours a week and don't have time for her sh*t."
"When she kept pushing things I snapped and told her that her son is the last person I want near my car. I then went on to tell her all the reasons why he would never be allowed to ride in my car." "
"These reasons are that he can't control his bladder/bowels and that his stimming may break things."
"When I told her of this it only made things worse as she only got more upset and pushy with me. I wound up having no choice but to cut contact with her however it only made things worse."
"I now have several other family members from her side coming after me over all of this. I do not believe that I am the a**hole here however I would like an outside opinion."
"AITA?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"NTA her son is not 'owed' a ride in your new car."
"'No matter how many times I would tell her no she refused to accept it and would try to guilt trip me.'"
"Sometimes people are just really dense and push and push and push until being overly direct and blunt just bubbles out."
"I'm also guessing that if her son damaged something she would also be the type to make excuses and not want to pay to have it fixed. Please stand firm on this."
"You have every right to want to protect an expensive item from getting damaged by a child who you don't trust to not damage it. That's reasonable."
"One additional thought. Maybe you should have told her yes as long as she was willing to put a $2000 deposit down first to cover any potential damages."
"My guess is that would have shut her up quickly. We both know that she is well aware how capable he is of damaging things but will willingly minimize it when it doesn't belong to her." - _gadget_girl
"Info: Does this kid have some kind of huge, violent flailing as a stim? I'm really baffled as to how his stimming would break something in the car."
"Edit: NTA. That sort of violent action isn't easy to accommodate. I'm not used to seeing that sort of thing referred to as stimming, which is why I asked."
"It's more commonly called self-harm (for the head banging) or destructive behavior (for the kicking). Stimming is usually things like hand flapping, echolalia, rubbing interesting/enjoyable textures, etc."
"Driving someone, especially an older kid or adult, with those behaviors when you're not accustomed to them could be dangerous in and of itself…"
…distraction of the driver, risk of injury, maybe actually making contact with the driver or the gear shifter, etc."
"It's less dangerous with smaller kids who have smaller bodies and are in car seats, because the area they can affect is smaller, especially with more restrictive/enclosing car seats."
"But you still have the risk of driver distraction." - KaliTheBlaze
"NTA"
"If he can't control his bladder/bowels and he makes uncontrollable/sudden movements, I can't imagine a sports car is comfortable for him to be in either."
"And you shouldn't have to accept the risk of p*ss and sh*t in your car."
"He might be very excited or even stressed out in your new car so who knows, the risk of him having an accident might be higher."
"And in a car you can't just get up from the seat to go to a toilet or a changing facility, you might be miles away from a place where he could get changed."
"NTA. Unfortunately, an expensive sports car is not a suitable environment for your cousin." - almalauha
"NTA + what the hell is up with these AH voters being suddenly okay with trampling over someone's 'No'?"
"After being told politely no several times?"
"Here's an INFO for the thread: How many times do you need to tell someone NO before they get the hint? Once? Ten? A hundred?"
"TIL No means, 'Pester the f*ck out of me until I concede.' 🙄🙄🙄" - Uppity-Eldian
"To all those that say use pads under the child. I am the sole caregiver for my elderly mother. Padded underwear and pads on the seat are not 100% protection."
"After taking my mom to urgent care, I spent a few hours getting my car cleaned out and it took a long time to get the smell out." - Crazybutnotlazy1983
"NTA no means no the first time. She can ask repeatedly or debate with herself all she wants, but no means no, regardless of your reason."
"Tell your family members they are welcome to drive the kid in their new car, but you already made up your mind." - thxmeatcat
"NTA. She could have accepted the 'No' at any point."
"To me it sounds like you escalated the No until you had to be a complete a**hole to get her to understand. She's more of a jerk for not listening to No the first three times."
"If he's unable to control his bowels and not wearing diapers, that's a valid concern."
"The 'stimming' I have experience with a disordered nephew that was destructive until he was past 18."
"He was diagnosed first with ADHD and oppositional defiant disorder, then at puberty with bipolar disorder."
"He's still compulsive and does things like rock himself really hard and will dent the wall with the back of the recliner."
"He's obsessive and grabbed a drill one time and drilled holes in walls for no reason other than he had anxiety and felt like it."
"He fidgets and breaks things. He can't control himself."
"No one outside his own mother and father would have taken him for a ride in a brand new vehicle because he would have pressed every button and treated everything roughly."
"Aside from knowing the above, again, it's your right to say no, and your family should understand the word the first time it's said." - entropic_apotheosis
"NTA. Your property, your rules. NO is a complete sentence."
"It is a MAJOR pet peeve of mine when someone doesn't respect the no. They keep pushing till you snap, and suddenly, you are the bad guy. A simple no would have been fine."
"My former stepbrother had issues similar to what you describe. His favorite stim was to pinch holes in things."
"Leather coat?? Pinch pinch pinch. New sofa?? Pinch pinch pinch."
"My mom got a new car. It wasn't super expensive or a luxury car, it was just a nice new car. Within 3 days, the upholstery had over 200 holes pinched into it."
"Within a month the door handles in the backsest were busted, the damage was extensive and not covered."
"You don't owe this woman or her son anything. If she wants her son to take a ride in a car like that, she can go rent one." - emptynest_nana
"I'm gonna say NTA. You tried to tell me her no, but she kept pressing the issue. This forced you to be extremely blunt with her."
"She knows her son's medical issues and still expected you to deal with it. I can almost guarantee that if he had an accident or broke something, she wouldn't pay for it."
"She would just tell you, 'oh well. You know how he is.'"
"If the family keeps bugging you, make sure they know all the facts and that if they still have a problem, they can go buy a mustang for him to ride in." - Striking_Flounder292
"NTA, my sh*tty little 07 Camry just died, but I wouldn't have taken the kid in that car, even. People saying Y T A are ignoring how dangerous it could be."
"OP said he violently stims, such as hitting his head on things and kicking. That is so dangerous in a moving vehicle."
"Fun hypothetical: he's in the back seat and kicks OP's seat, OP swerves into another car, and everyone dies. OP knew of the kid's stimming beforehand, so is OP to blame for agreeing?"
"I'm not saying that's the most likely scenario in the slightest, but it isn't out of the realm of possibility."
"And to everyone saying just to use absorbent pads? That smell won't come out. It can squish out of the pad, even if you like everything."
"That smell will not come out- not out of a sh*tty used car and not out of a mustang."
"The value of the car doesn't matter. OP drives that car to work and shouldn't have to smell sh*t and piss when he drives to and from work every day" - rash_bin_84
No means no.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp