When we're feeling and out of touch with our community, it can be easy to turn to social media, which might feel like connecting while it actually can make a person even more isolated.
This can be especially true for stay-at-home parents, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor TechnicalBonus1416 was feeling overstimulated by her children, and at the end of a long day as a stay-at-home mom, she longed for connection and personal time.
But when her husband sat her down to talk about her phone usage and even said he'd be "happier" if she didn't use social media so much to "turn her brain off," the Original Poster (OP) became angry and felt like her husband was attempting to control her.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by being angry that my husband told me he would be happier and our lives would be better if I stopped using social media?"
The OP was feeling overwhelmed by her role as a stay-at-home mom.
"I (33 Female) am a SAHM to three kids (ages six, three, and one)."
"My husband (36 Male) and I have been married for eight years. Our six-year-old started kindergarten just last week, and I've been pretty emotional about it because it all seems like it happened so fast. So maybe I'm just a little extra sensitive and vulnerable right now."
"My husband works a pretty high-stress corporate job. Long hours, some travel but not too much, getting calls at home in the evening, kind of stuff."
"When he's home, he's a great dad to our kids, and he spends a lot of energy hanging out and playing with them."
"It's frustrating for me because he comes home from work and gets to be the 'fun dad' while I'm at home with them all day doing all of the redirecting, teaching, soothing, problem-solving, etc. It's not like I get a break when he's home, either, because one of the kids always needs something, and there are three of them and only two of us. I feel like I'm constantly overwhelmed."
"That's not to say I don't like being a SAHM. I love my kids, and I love that I get to spend so much time watching them grow up instead of them being in daycare all the time being raised by someone else."
"I am also very aware of how lucky I am that we are able to afford to live comfortably as a one-income household when that is becoming very rare these days."
The OP needed some personal quiet time and connection with other adults.
"When I get any sliver of free time during the day, I usually relax with some coffee and scroll social media."
"I know I could read a book or try to get a quick workout in, but more often than not I just want to sit and turn my brain off for a little while."
"It's not like I'm posting multiple things online or posting a bunch of stuff about our kids. I'm just scrolling TikTok, mostly mom and relationship stuff."
"Sometimes I will send my husband something that I find amusing or interesting, but he doesn't even have TikTok on his phone, so he always says, 'I can't even watch that.'"
"I've tried to get him to download it so that I can share stuff with him, but he refuses because he says he 'doesn't care about what some terminally online id**t has to say.'"
"I don't think he realizes that those few moments of downtime are pretty much my only relief these days. I just want him to care at least a little bit about these things that are of interest to me."
The OP's use of social media became a point of contention for the couple.
"We've fought about it a handful of times. He's told me on multiple occasions that he feels like he would be happier, our relationship would be better, and our overall lives would be better if I stopped using social media."
"But I don't think he realizes how lonely I feel sometimes and how much validation I feel from being able to see and hear other women who are going through the same things that I am."
"If I ever try to bring up something to him that might be bothering me, he will often question whether I actually feel that way or if I found it on TikTok and am now convinced it's an issue in our marriage because I never brought it up before."
"That p**ses me off every time because it's so invalidating and seems like borderline gaslighting to me."
"He always tells me I need to get out more and to get the kids out of the house as well, especially now that our oldest is in school. But I'm also 100% convinced that he has no idea how much work that is to do with two toddlers because he only sees them at night when they're already exhausted and ready for bed, and even then all he does is play with them."
"I feel like he doesn't even consider how much I need those few minutes of escapism just to reset my brain after raising our kids all day every day."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some fellow Redditors understood why the OP was upset, based on how her husband phrased his concerns.
"OP, you sound lonely and in need of connection. Connection with people, nature, movement, new things."
"I can understand why your husband is trying to guide you away from social media, but I don't like the way he's going about it. It seems that he's not taking the time to really understand your situation and work with you to make things better."
"I can also understand why you find it easy to turn to social media for relaxation and connection. The problem is, it's not the kind of connection you really need and it's not helping you change the underlying issues that are making you feel unhappy."
"Could you afford to get some home help? Someone to join you for a few hours every day or so to help with housecare and getting the kids out of the house? I think you need to find a way to free up some time so that you can get out with the kids and also get away on your own for some enjoyable time with other adults."
"I also think you and hubby would greatly benefit from a few relationship therapy sessions. Hubby needs to learn to listen better and you both need to find ways to work on problems together (like the stuff you were saying about 'fun dad')."
"One last thing: I don't think it's fair for you to expect Hubby to be on TikTok, or any other platform. That's a personal decision that should be respected. Wish you luck with it all, OP. Go well." - Venus_Smizing
"Go on a weekend trip with friends, relatives, or alone, and leave him with the kids. Tell him it’s to detox from social media." - clicklorama
"Sounds like your husband needs to step up at the weekends and you take some downtime to yourself. If you can look after three kids solo all week, surely he can do it for a few hours at the weekend?"
"Take yourself out somewhere and do whatever you want, even if that’s sitting at a cafe doomscrolling. You sound like you’re burnt out and of course in your moments of rest you want something simple to do." - Dikaneisdi
"I mean... on the one hand, your husband does sound insensitive."
"On the other hand, it DOES sound like you need to get out of the house more. Of course it is difficult to do with two toddlers... but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try." - roseofjuly
"I don't think social media is your actual problem here. So I'd try not using it for a bit and see what happens. Might clarify the situation for you!"
"It's not wrong to want some downtime, though, where you can turn your brain off, though!" - alice8818
Others gently broached the possibility that the OP was using social media to self-soothe, instead of connecting with people in her community, and her husband was potentially worried about how it was impacting her.
"It honestly sounds like you need more adult connection outside of your husband and social media. I’d look into local mom groups, library toddler/story times, playgroups, etc., and try to build some friendships with other moms who understand this stage of life."
"Being home with three little kids can be incredibly isolating."
"I also probably wouldn’t keep sending him TikToks when he’s made it pretty clear he doesn’t enjoy them. That doesn’t mean the things you’re interested in don’t matter, just that TikTok may not be a good way to connect with him."
"And if you really are only using social media during little pockets of downtime as you described, I don’t think scrolling occasionally is inherently the problem."
"But you sound overwhelmed and lonely, and talking with a counselor might give you somewhere that’s completely yours to unpack that. You deserve more support than five-minute pockets of escape between taking care of everyone else." - devoursbooks86
"NOR, but I felt reading you that social media is scratching the surface. I’m not a woman, I don’t have kids, and I work, so I can’t particularly relate to your situation, but about six months ago, I started work again after being on medical leave for close to 10 months (I’m alive and WELL now)."
"During the same timeline, my two best friends left the country to pursue their careers abroad. So during this whole time I basically only had my mom, sister, and my boyfriend for company. The loneliness was real. And since I was sick, I couldn’t do much and scrolled endlessly. In the end, it made me feel even more lonely."
"My take from your post is also that while you enjoy being a SAHM, you need some you time. I’ll maybe just add that you don’t necessarily only need other mom friends, but to reconnect with yourself and others by doing things you enjoy, whether that’s connected to motherhood or not."
"I understand that social media is the quick way to get that stimulation and false sense of connection, and it’s fine; we all do it (we’re on Reddit lol), but it is important that you keep living YOUR life so that you don’t become bitter and hold resentments towards your husband and your kids."
"Best of luck." - Dependent_Special957
"There's a lot of research on the correlation between scrolling and mental health outcomes, so your scrolling might contribute to loneliness. Your six-year-old is in school; is your three-year-old in preschool? If so, are there any activities that you can do for yourself?" - meditative_love
"You need adult-without-kid time. Like a book club, gym workout, hobby group. Maybe even an alone walk. He needs more dad in charge of three kids without mom backup time."
"Maybe say you do need more out-and-about time and just let him see a taste of not-fun parent and constant on duty looks like." - Holiday_Trainer2657
"Okay, hear me out: I’m a work-from-home mom with two toddlers. My days are loooong and isolating. I found myself in a similar situation."
"I didn’t think it was excessive, but it creeps up on you, and then one day: four hours of social media in a single day. I deleted the main culprits and joined a local women’s group. Once out of it, I found the dopamine hits I was getting from scrolling were negatively impacting my day-to-day life. I feel so much better without it."
"I say all that to say: it’s possible your husband is seeing something you don’t. Has your scrolling increased, or your moods changed recently? I agree with others that you should find outings or local events. It sucks getting out of the house, but it’s so much better for all of you to just do it." - benefitcumberbund
The subReddit could understand why the OP was frustrated, and some even called the husband's comments cold and insensitive, but the overwhelming majority lightly tip-toed around the area, pointing out that they did believe that the OP had a problem.
It's so easy as a stay-at-home or work-from-home parent to become isolated, and it's easy to turn to social media to stay connected. But when someone starts deluding themselves into thinking they're connected to real people instead of aesthetic projections, that's when it becomes a problem.
The OP's husband might have noticed something she couldn't see yet.
