It's hard to view people as family, only to realize that they might not feel the same way about you.
To make matters worse, sometimes the truth comes out in very bold ways, like not being invited on a "family only" trip, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Professional_Use6852 had been married for nearly thirty years but was not invited on a "family only" trip with their mother- and father-in-law, husband, and two sisters-in-law.
Since this was the second year in a row that this had happened, the Original Poster (OP) was hurt by the exclusion.
They asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by being upset that I'm not welcome to my in-laws' family holiday?"
The OP wanted to be supportive of her in-laws.
"My mother-in-law is insisting on a second 'family only' trip this year with my father-in-law and their three kids (my husband and his two older sisters)."
"Apparently, after being with my husband for nearly 30 years, I’m still not family. It hurts. Her daughters have been with their spouses even longer, but for some reason, we’re not invited."
"My father-in-law has terminal cancer. That is why I was very supportive of their holiday last year."
Being excluded two years in a row hurt the OP.
"I fully supported it then, but doing it again this year seems rude. All adults are paying for themselves, so my husband is using our money and his annual leave days, but I’m not invited."
"The year before last, we went to Fiji with my family, and my parents not only invited him but paid for us all!"
"My Dad died in January, my Mum has very bad Alzheimer’s Disease, so it feels like I have lost her, and I love my father-in-law so much. I want to make last memories with him, too."
"They are my family after all these years, so I am offended and hurt by this."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some tried to be compassionate, assuming the OP's mother-in-law (MIL) was not thinking the clearest in the height of her husband's illness.
"Maybe I read too much "JustNoMIL," but it sounds to me like your mother-in-law (MIL) is hoping to cause enough issues in at least one of her children's marriages so that when your father-in-law (FIL) passes (or maybe even before), at least one of her kids will need to move back home because of their divorce, so she won't have to be alone."
"I can't think of any other reason to exclude spouses (especially long-term spouses) than to hurt feelings and cause trouble." - Never_enough_naps
"I feel like your MIL isn't thinking straight. She's trying to cross off things from a bucket list."
"Also, maybe your FIL feels some embarrassment over some potential symptoms from whatever it is that is taking him for you."
"You're NOR, but please give them grace. They're scared, confused, and desperate."
"Also, have you talked to your MIL? Has your husband? The fact that it's not just you, it's all the spouses being excluded, says, to me, there is something behind it, and not malicious." - mikesbabymomma81
"This isn't about you not being family; this is about a family before the familial expansion processing the little time they have left with their father/husband."
"I understand the feeling of being left out, but I think you'd want to have that time with your siblings (if you have any) with your father before his time and eventually your mother, talk about childhood memories, etc."
"This family vacation is about reminiscing."
"My mom, her siblings, and grandma had their moments alone with my grandfather when he passed away, and they did the same for my grandmother when it was her time. I loved it. It was their last time with all of them together in this world." - scrunchieaddict
"This is tough. FIL is terminal, the parents are trying to spend some quality time with their own children. I have children, and I get that impulse; dynamics are very different when it’s your original nuclear family."
"However, they got that special time last year. You can’t keep excluding spouses; you have to be grateful for the time you get with your children."
"I like the idea of having a trip for everyone, but you give them a ‘dinner’ or a ‘day’ where the spouses all go do something else and give them some personal time. No AH here; everyone is grieving. This is an extraordinarily difficult time, and people are bound to make mistakes while navigating it." - WorldlinessLow8824
But others were more critical of how the OP was being treated.
"So your father recently died, and you are also dealing with a mother declining due to a degenerative disease... yet your husband is supportive and accepting of his family excluding you again?!!"
"Seriously, your husband's behaviour is callous, and you need to demand more from him. NOR." - WelshWickedWitch
"I don't understand why you're not really pushing that his family didn't invite you and he's still going. I can see him asking you to pull back a bit when visiting, as you may be coming across as too intense. I don't know because I'm not there."
"Regardless, he should have been defending your honor as HIS CHOSEN FAMILY for 30 years. And you're not pushing this."
"YOR. You are UNDERREACTING." - LilacRed
"My husband would say, 'No wife, no way!'" - SCGranny64
"NOR, this is so rude. You and the other in-laws should be part of the family. I hope your husband and his sisters are also upset about this and protesting. I can't imagine my family or my husband's family even considering excluding us." - LizLemonySnicket42
"My adult son and I sometimes have Mom and Son Dates; lunch, usually, maybe a bookstore. It’s an hour or two where we can talk and catch up."
"More frequently, I ask him and his wonderful wife. Most often, it’s the three of us and my four grandkids, and sometimes her mom. Sometimes his ex-wife joins us, too. Everyone gets along."
"I would NEVER presume to take him on vacation without her and the kids. That’s presumptuous and crazy. NOR." - ElderFlour
"NOR. You’ve been family for 30 years, easy as that. If you’re married to the man, then that makes you family."
"Have you tried directly asking her or having your husband ask if there’s a deeper reason?"
"And honestly, if my partner let her family exclude me like this, and was willing to go without you, I’d be really p**sed." - Reasonable_Lack9078
"NOR... Sounds like you need to plan an equally expensive and long trip for yourself and not invite your husband. Me personally, it may be using divorce settlement money."
"That said, either way, whatever hardship this places on you, get petty and go for equality. An equally long trip using roughly the same money."
"At Christmas, ask your parents for help. Go see them and inform them that you don't want him invited. Tell him they heard about this second trip and decided if you can't be part of his family, then they won't welcome him into theirs." - Odd_Welcome7940
"NOR, but I wouldn't go, either. I would find a way to spend time with my father-in-law away from the others so you can actually enjoy the time with him. They sound exhausting."
'On the other hand, your partner, or sorry, husband, because he sounds like no partner if he doesn't stand up for you."
"You've explained yourself and your feelings, and he has a duty to hear you out with empathy even if he doesn't agree with your standpoint. As a partner, he is supposed to respect you and include you in decisions... So far he's three for three in strikes."
"I bet if you sit and think about your life, you'll find other times where your feelings, thoughts, and ideas get pushed aside for whatever he wants. If it's 50/50, fine, but a partner who sees the person they love cry and not respond with empathy... This isn't the first time he's ignored you."
"Find the pattern and find a way to break it. Good luck." - WonderingCaper
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update.
"Thank you to everyone for taking the time to give me your opinions. I really appreciate it!"
"I have discussed things with my husband, and he and I are going to spend time with his parents separately."
"I don’t mind what we do; I just want time with them. That was all I cared about, spending quality time with my father-in-law, not having a holiday or anything like that."
"Now that I will get that time with him, I very much support his family trip with the original five family members."
"It just makes me sad as my family and extended family always went out of their way to make my husband feel loved and included from the day they met him. Especially my beautiful Dad, who passed unexpectedly in January. But I can keep that to myself."
"All I ever cared about was spending time with my father-in-law. Now we have come up with a solution so I can do that."
The subReddit understood how the OP was feeling, but they were divided over the intentions of the lack of invitation.
Some thought that the aging parents just wanted some time with their adult, biological children, while others thought it was a simple misunderstanding and oversight during a terrible bout of anticipatory grief.
But others assume it was more malicious, willfully excluding the OP and their brothers-in-law from the trip, either to put them in their place, to cause trouble in their marriages, or at least to let the true feelings finally show.
Whatever the case may be, the OP might not be going on the trip, but they got what they really wanted: quality time with their family before any more of them can pass.
