A joke is only a joke if it's funny for everyone, without making someone the "butt" of the joke in a bullying way, and a joke is obviously also only a joke if it functions like one.
Too often, bullies who try to hide behind jokes not only tell hurtful jokes, but their jokes don't even really make sense, criticized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor melonbrains noticed that her stepfather was incredibly critical of others, and he often hid his comments behind being bored, being honest, or making a "joke."
But when his latest joke didn't make sense at all, and took place in a very fancy restaurant, the Original Poster (OP) was not about to tolerate it.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by asking my stepdad to explain a bad joke and embarrassing him?"
The OP didn't feel particularly accepted by her stepfather.
"I'm a bisexual woman who had a very lesbian phase in college (2020). I'm out to mom (chill and doing her best to learn more) but haven't directly made it known to my stepdad despite him having met my ex."
"My stepdad (Jim) has been dating my mom since 2020. They dated on and off a few times throughout my childhood as well; however, there was about a 10-year gap between their last relationship and this one. "
"He's in general a pretty okay guy, but he's definitely got one of those personalities where he thinks it's okay to occasionally blurt out offensive sh*t and call it a joke."
The OP didn't let it slide when her stepdad made a terrible joke at dinner.
"We went to dinner this past weekend at a really nice, expensive restaurant after an event."
"The three of us were having a good time up until Jim suddenly broke a lull in the conversation by very loudly saying, 'You know what? I've been thinking...', which is typically followed by something stupid."
"My mom and I are just waiting for whatever he's decided to share with the surrounding area when he follows up with, 'When Trans people go missing, do they end up on half-n-half instead of milk cartons?'"
"Mom immediately tells him to shut his mouth, and I ask him what he means by that. He starts explaining milk cartons and says it's a funny joke."
The OP's mom called her out for "making a scene" about the joke.
"I tell him I don't get it, and he then says, 'You know, because Trans people are half and half,' which leads me to ask him if he knows what a Trans person is."
"This embarrasses Jim, who then starts making fun of a nearby waiter's facial hair to cope."
"Mom and I went to brunch yesterday, and it was brought up again. She told me I shouldn't have pushed it, and I remained firm in my stance that if he didn't want the attention, then he shouldn't have said it."
"I know I have a tendency to be on the aggressive side when it comes to not tolerating phobic things due to prior experiences, so... was I wrong? Should I have let it slide and then talked to my mom about it later?"
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some criticized the OP's stepfather for not even telling a cohesive joke, and for saying it wasn't funny.
"NOR. His 'joke' wasn't one. Nobody else laughed. Perfect way to deal with his bigotry, though!" - toxiclight
"But they're not half and half. I'm only offended by the fact that the joke makes no sense."
"He could have gone with intersex, I suppose... that's also not really half and half but closer."
"When someone makes an offensive joke that only vaguely makes sense, it's obvious they cared more about being offensive than funny." - No_Cantaloupe3460
"Does he know what 'joke' means? Because it seems he's conflating it with fallacy." - thewalruscandyman
"No, I love that you did this. My father-in-law is this type of guy, and it was like pulling teeth getting my husband to talk to him about it. Old unfunny men desperately need to be checked." - decent_pairofshoes
"Not only was it not funny, but it made no sense. Next time tell your mother he created the awkward situation and you were simply clearing it up. NOR." - ThginkAccbeR
"Making them explain the 'joke' is probably the best way to deal with people who like to hide cruelty inside of 'jokes.'"
"I'd just tell mom. He's being patently offensive, and he needs to stop saying things like that and pretending it's a joke rather than a poor mask to hide his cruelty. If he doesn't enjoy not being able to explain his "jokes", then perhaps he can stop making them." - chuckinhoutex
"NOR. Do this any time he makes an offensive joke. Make him explain how horrible he is."
"He will either learn to shut up with that crap around you, or, less likely, stop altogether." - Darkmika90
"Honestly, when someone makes a joke where the punchline is bigotry, asking them to explain it is a pretty great tactic."
"It shames them, puts the uncomfortable spotlight back on them instead of their targeted minority, and every so often, helps them see how unfunny it actually is."
"Not only not overreacting, but this was a pretty amazing response." - transgentoo
"Why do people get so offended when you point out they don’t know what they’re making fun of? Like, is Google not available to you? Do you not know HOW to spell? What gives?" - princessjamiekay
"NOR. I’ve seen a recent pattern with problematic people where they’ll say s**t like this, and they very much expect everyone to make a pity party over them, enable the behavior by just staying silent, hoping they’ll stop (they won't), basically asking for attention but not wanting the confrontation that comes with it."
"Same thing with people who say, 'I’m not mean; I’m just honest!' They want to be able to be a**holes, and no one says anything about it because they think they're hot s**t."
"If you ever have an opportunity to ‘embarrass’ him, which is confronting that problematic behavior, then maybe he should consider using his brain to think about what he wants to say first." - Consistent_Kick_7208
Others similarly criticized the OP's mother for enabling her partner's behavior and being with someone who was not an ally to the OP.
"NOR. NOR at all. You didn't even make a huge deal about it. You literally asked him 'what.'"
"Even if I set aside my own beliefs and try to look at it from a bigoted perspective, I still don't get the joke even now. Do they think Trans people are half man, half woman...? What does that even mean...?" - tressertressert
"Making a demeaning, dehumanizing joke about missing transgender people at a high-end restaurant deserves to be called out on the spot, not tiptoed around." - tallulah_marsh
"LOL at mom trying to rescue this dumba** from his own words. He made a dumb, rude comment, and there are natural consequences to the words we use." - Blamdomonis
"NOR. Why would you talk to her about it later? She didn't make the joke."
"This is actually exactly how to call things out: in the moment, no drama, asking someone to explain themselves. He said it for attention because he thought it would make him 'cool.'"
"Do you think it’s possible he was nasty to your mom later? Because that's a whole other problem (but still not necessarily yours)." - midcen-mod1018
"Tell your mother she can do better. He's a bit of a dope."
"And I'm her age at least, and I have adult kids, and I've been divorced/remarried."
"I have dumped men for being stupid because I can't deal with being embarrassed by their ignorance, much less bigotry." - exchange_of_views
"NOR. I cannot stand those types of men. They're like that because nobody challenges them and embarrasses them."
"The more they are schooled by their peers and family, the more that behavior gets squashed out. Your mom is just another woman who enables the behavior and is overly concerned about an ego that isn't hers."
"You handled the whole situation perfectly. Keep doing it every time he brings up something offensive." - Creamy_Breve
"Just another example of blaming the person who acknowledged the weirdness rather than blaming the person who made it weird."
"You could opt to do the same thing next time your mom does this. 'I don't understand, Mom. Why shouldn't I ask? I just want him to clarify so I understand. If what he said was unacceptable, then we wouldn't accept it, right? So that's clearly not the problem. What is the issue here? Can you explain it to me?'"
"Because the issue is she wants you to tiptoe around this man as she does, to keep the peace." - 1ReluctantRedditor
"People like this continue to be like this because no one calls them out in the moment. With no consequences for their behavior, they continue it. They are long overdue for a zero-tolerance policy and public shaming."
"It's NOT polite to stay silent; silence is complicity. I'm done with people who want compliance. Good for you, OP."
"If Mom didn't like being embarrassed secondhand, she shouldn't date people who embarrass her."
"YOU didn't embarrass her; he did. He's the problem, not you. Stay strong and keep fighting, OP!" - booklover1973
The subreddit applauded the OP for speaking up against her stepfather for making such a questionable joke, both because it was a bad joke and because it was cruel.
Maybe the OP's stepfather would learn something from this, and maybe her mother would realize the role she was playing, thanks to her complacency.
