It's not the size of the gift, it's the thought that counts.
One of life's oldest mantras.
It's done a lot of people well.
It has also been largely ignored by many.
To some people, when giving gifts, the size and value of the gift matter.
Redditor LegoBirthdayGift wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
""AITA for 'showing up' my brothers girlfriend by getting him a birthday gift he liked more and not warning her I was getting a big gift?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (25 F[emale]) have a twin brother (25 M[ale])."
"Growing up, our favorite pastime was building Lego together."
"Our family couldn't afford it often, so the sets we had were treasured, and we'd always buy bags of loose bricks from Charity Shops whenever we saw them."
"It was a major bonding time for us, making things together, and my brother claims that those days of playing with Lego are what inspired him to go on and become an Architect."
"It was our birthday on Friday, and we had a small thing with family; my B[oy]F[riend] of three years (27 M) was there and so was my brother's G[irl]F[riend] of two years (24 F)."
"During the gift exchange, we left each other's presents to last as we always have and opened our respective gifts." They were very nice and enjoyable, nothing to complain about on either side."
"When we exchanged our gifts, however, it led to some laughs and delight on both sides."
"I got him the Neuschwanstein Castle Lego set, and he got me the Notre Dame Lego set."
"He clearly loved his gift and was going on about how excited he was to build it and how he'd be spending his next day off working on it."
"He showed a lot more enthusiasm for this than the watch his girlfriend got him, though he had clearly liked that too."
"Since then, his girlfriend has reached out to me, insisting I tried to show her up deliberately by getting him a gift he'd like more, and how she was trying to treat him like an adult with her gift, while I was encouraging him to be childish."
"She also thinks we somehow planned this gift exchange, as we both got Lego for each other."
"I had to tell her no, it is just something we have always enjoyed together, and it's just natural we'd do this."
"I also told her that I had no intention of showing her up, but that if she really wanted to win the day with gifts, she should have considered his interests and not worried about what seems appropriate for an adult."
"She then pivoted to the fact that she is his girlfriend, and I should have warned her I was getting an expensive gift."
"I pointed out my brother didn't warn my boyfriend, but she insists that doesn't matter."
"That I should have."
"Was I in the wrong for not giving her a warning and leading to her feeling 'shown up' as a result?"
"I have never felt the need to give a warning when my brother dated, but maybe I should have?"
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?""
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"NTA. Her gift to you is a pair of huge red flags."
"Make time for a chat with your brother about what she said, for it is a very controlling way of behaving."
"Thank you for the awards :)." ~ Ma-Hu
"Totally agree."
"Especially since they are twins."
"I have a set of twins - that bond just hits different."
"This won't be the last time the gf does something like this."
"Also, I'm in my 40s and have a stack of to-be-built LEGO."
"She can suck it." ~ Pleasant_Cell5290
"Girlfriend is definitely jealous and insecure of OP's bond with her brother."
"She'll definitely try to come between them."
"And if she thinks the things that make him happy are childish and beneath him, then she doesn't really care about him or his well-being." ~ IceSeeker
"And she 100% wouldn’t even care if these twins were both guys."
"Weirdly, this GF feels threatened by OP just because she’s a girl."
"They’re f**king twins." ~ TechieGee
"The girlfriend is making an issue where there is none."
"Jumping in to say that it sounds like the GF doesn't support OP's brother's interests or hobbies."
"It also sounds like she may not have told him this directly yet, and is trying to go around him to get him to stop collecting Lego."
"For me, this is a huge red flag."
"It's fine if family members or a partner aren't into a hobby, but they should not be discouraging someone or otherwise raining on their parade over it."
"The other thing is that she said that Lego is childish, so it is pretty clear that she doesn't respect the hobby."
"For me personally, this would be a dealbreaker."
"OP should speak to her brother about what happened as soon as possible."
"Given what has taken place already, I would be prepared for further retaliation from the girlfriend."
"Ultimately, it will be up to OP's brother if he stays with the girlfriend or not."
"OP is NTA.
"The girlfriend is ridiculous." ~ meghan9436
"Agreed, Brother NEEDS to know what his girlfriend is saying behind his back and that she is trying to interfere in his relationship with his sister."
"Also, I'm 35 and I for every birthday, Xmas, and mothers day my hubby buys me one of the Lego botanicals, and I get to build it by myself (hubby and kids build with chaos bag dumps and it drives me nuts, I like my calm order on a baking tray)."
"Hubby gets the Formula 1 cars, my 10-year-old kid gets the Minecraft Lego 13 used to get Ninjago but has now decided he doesn't want that (going to try and find him a different set), and 4-year-old is too young but likes to 'help.'"
"There is no age limit on Lego, it's fun and grounding, it can be therapy by taking time out" ~ Environmental_Art591
"Indeed. NTA.'
"She's 24 and somehow turned her boyfriend's enjoyment of a birthday gift into a competition."
"Let's really hope OP tells her twin what happened because there's a good chance he has no idea she's reacting like this behind his back." ~ Alternative-Math-886
"NTA. Oh, please don't let her ruin what sounds like a beautiful birthday tradition."
"The fact that you and your twin managed to independently buy each other massive Lego sets is honestly magical and hilarious."
"It shows how deeply connected you two still are, which is exactly how it should be." ~ hidden_foxhollow53
"Worse. She knew he would like the LEGO set more."
"She doesn't want him playing with LEGO sets because that doesn't enter into her closed mental idea of what 'adulting' means."
"She is trying to make him do what she considers more adult stuff, and has just found out that the sister will always be there, reminding him that Legos are great."
"She has a plan to turn OP's brother into the boring person she thinks he should be, and now she knows that OP will always be there, reminding him that there are better options."
"So, of course, she's pissed off."
"OP's brother should find someone who likes him as he is." ~ Ok_Code_270
"NTA, but I'd personally have a convo with your twin about the 'childish/adult' comments + her taking out her emotions on you."
"I don't foresee this relationship lasting." ~ Vuk-a
"NTA. You got your twin a gift tied to a lifetime of shared history."
"She got him a nice adult watch."
"Neither is wrong, they're just different lanes."
"Her calling Lego 'childish' to a working architect who literally credits it for his career is the actual tell here. She's mad at the wrong thing." ~ Hot_0000
"Your boyfriend doesn't need to check with anyone, but you do with her?"
"Jealousy, insecurity, just a weirdo, really."
"The man is an architect; he can't go building and erecting structures wherever he likes, he CAN build Lego, which you've stated led him to his career and passion."
"That's not childish at all."
"She's weird and regarding you in a way that isn't appropriate, like a threat."
"NTA, talk to your brother." ~ aibileen_riven
"NTA, and that's so incredibly weird, what partner gets jealous of what their siblings give them?"
"My brother's girlfriend, now wife, has never acted like that and is always happy when my brother likes his presents."
"It's considered a red flag simply when a girlfriend or a boyfriend has an issue with their partner having friends they think might possibly be into them."
"Having issues with a twin's sibling because you're close and share an interest is the point where your brother needs some heads up, she's acting like this." ~ Replica_Velocity
"NTA. Good girlfriends want you to have more of the expensive things you like, not less, and while she claims she just wants a heads up, you know she would be happier if you hadn't given it at all."
"In her fantasy, there's always a biggest gift, and it's always gotta be from her, and once people figure out she throws a tantrum when that doesn't happen, his gifts are going to inevitably become smaller to avoid conflict."
"Booooooooo to her behavior." ~ wow_what_a_cool_alt
"NTA, she is acting very insecure and immature (ironic)."
"It's very telling that she is more concerned about how the gifts made her look than her own partner's joy and happiness, both in her feeling upstaged and her not wanting him to seem 'childish.'"
"Don't let her refusal to see reason make you doubt your own gut." ~ Prestigious-Bug-5599
Reddit has your back, OP.
Your brother's GF doesn't need any warnings.
Your BROTHER does.
She needs to deal with her own insecurities.
Try not to feel bad.
Happy Birthday!
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp