Strict gender norms are rapidly being obliterated.
Any gender is capable of almost anything.
Women can change the oil in a car.
Men can steam-clean drapery.
When it comes to chores around the house a lot more is divvied up equally.
Not every household appreciates what seems to be the new norm.
Redditor TherealYemmi wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for refusing to do house chores after my mom said only girls should do them?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"So I (22 F[emale]) live at home with my parents and siblings — including my brothers (23 M[ale], 21 M, and 18 M) and my younger sister. "
"The house needed a deep clean, and I suggested that it would be faster and fairer if everyone pitched in — not just the girls."
"My mom actually agreed at first and said, 'That sounds like a good idea.'"
"I was actually surprised and thought we were all on the same page."
"But then she told me to start by vacuuming all the carpets and told my sister to do some other chores around the house."
"We got to work, but I started wondering when my brothers were going to be called in to help."
"They were just playing video games in the other room the whole time."
"I asked her about it, and she basically told me to be quiet and just do the work."
"When I said it didn't feel fair that she was only making the girls do the chores, she got mad and said something like, 'Never in my life have I seen a girl act like this. Aren't you embarrassed?'"
"I reminded her that she agreed the boys should help too, and she responded, 'I never said we would actually do that. They're boys. You and your sister are girls. This is your job.'"
"To give some context, my family believes that men should work outside and women should do the inside work."
"My brothers are adults now, but they don't have jobs and aren't expected to do either the 'man jobs' or 'woman jobs.'"
"They're free to sit around and play video games and don't have to help anyone while my sister and I do all the work."
"I even tried to ask my dad to step in, but he just ignored me and kind of mocked me."
"At this point, I've stopped doing the chores out of protest."
"My mom is now really angry at me and thinks I'm being disrespectful and lazy."
"I feel like I'm just standing up for what's fair, but part of me wonders if I'm being a jerk by refusing to help now."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So, Reddit — AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. I grew up in a house like this - 4 brothers, and I'm the only girl."
"My mother believes the lack of a penis meant I should like housework. 🙄"
"Move out ASAP. It's the only way you'll find peace."
"Your mother will come to regret her choices when she's old and tripping over herself catering to her adult sons because no one else will have them, and they'd rather sit around and scratch their holes before making themselves a sandwich." ~ GlitterGaff
"NTA OP, and you are not disrespectful here."
"Your mum is being sexist, and your dad is not helping either."
"Doing household tasks is not a gendered thing. It is a universal life skill."
"Your parents are actually failing your brothers by giving all your brothers the wrong idea that having a wife means having a free housemaid they can take for granted."
"This is not acceptable behavior in this day and age." ~ Kangaroo-Pack-3727
"Definitely NTA!"
"It's frustrating that this kind of blatant sexism still happens, where the expectation is that women do all the work while the men get a free pass."
"But if your brothers have always been excused from doing work, it seems like it's just a long-standing issue." ~ _Zoe-mystic
"NTA, this is sexist behavior."
"You're an adult, so I'd recommend you start to prepare for moving out and building a life on your own terms." ~ NickName2506
"NTA. I have some friends that grew up in homes like these."
"Blatant favoritism towards the sons, ridiculous double standards towards the daughters."
"In no way has it helped in their development; rather, it has greatly hindered them."
"Do not go along with what your mom says, and make sure to protect your sister from this too."
"Tell Mom you're only going to do as much as your brothers."
"I'm sure she says a lot of other sexist comments, too; just know where you stand and don't feel pressure to behave the way she says."
"You are not doing anything wrong."
"Your sister needs a good role model and the rest of your family is not it."
"I would also talk to your brothers because they need to learn that this is not okay."
"They can't grow up to treat their girlfriends/wives/any women this way."
"Mom needs to change if she wants any relationship with you in the future, but I don't know if that's possible at her age." ~ dogtriestocatchfly
"NTA. I'd be ashamed to raise boys to believe they could sit on their arses gaming while the females cleaned the house."
"Your parents are setting them up to completely fail in life."
"You're 22, save your money, take your skills, and move into your own space." ~ Miss_Melody_Pond
"NTA. Sadly it will likely take more than conversations to change this dynamic."
"1. Your mom is at least partially ruling through guilt."
"You are meant to do what she expects or she will guilt you."
"Keep refusing to work and do not back down; do not 'feel' the guilt she is trying to make you feel."
"If she asks you if you are embarrassed, ask her if she has any shame about refusing to raise her sons right, for being a bad parent."
"2. Your parents are bad parents. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but it's true."
"They are acting terribly to you, that's clear, but they are also acting terribly towards your brothers."
"Would you be attracted to a man who is a giant baby who can't look after himself?"
"Would you be interested in dating a man who expects you to take over as a mother?"
"It is hard to say for sure; they might find women who want exactly that, but on the balance of probabilities, your parents are not preparing them well for life, and they will suffer for it."
"3. The best thing for you is to move out and offer a place for your sister as soon as you can."
"I'm sure it's not easy, but it still might be easier than winning over your parents through simple conversations."
"You need to break from their control, and from there, you might find it easier to change how they act."
"Hard to say for sure, but you will be in a safer place for yourself as well, so, pretty decent option. Good Luck." ~ magog12
"NTA - just tell your mom, I have changed my view."
"This is the responsibility of a wife and mother."
"As I am neither and won't sign up for such roles at this time, it's your job, Mom."
"Mom this is a dirty house, you should do a better job." ~ Affectionate_Door607
"NTA. I had a live-in boyfriend that was raised like your brothers. HAD."
"We lived in an apartment."
"There were no 'outside jobs.'"
"When I eventually told him to get out, he was shocked, despite me complaining for years about being the only one taking any responsibility."
"I was the breadwinner, it was my apartment, and he brought literally nothing to the table."
"Your brothers are going to grow old alone and bitter since women are not willing to cater to them."
"If they have enough money to pay for a cleaner, great. Your mom is going to get increasingly mad at them for mooching off them."
"Your brothers are going to literally eat away any retirement funds or inheritance there is."
"Get out fast and consider yourself lucky: you have the skills to take care of yourself in life."
"Never enter a relationship with a man who isn't doing his share (meaning all of his own messes and half of the shared chores) of the 'inside jobs.'"
"Put everything on paper."
"You're literally better off alone than with a man like your brothers."
"And there are better ones out there, so don't settle." ~ unluckysupernova
"NTA. It's not surprising your dad didn't step up for you, it didn't benefit him to do so and would've actually led to him needing help as well."
"This type of toxic mindset will probably never change."
"If you have the means to move out in the near future, that is the only way you'll escape this."
"Good for you for standing up for yourself in the meantime." ~ Mountain-Blood-7374
"I know if I told my 12-year-old that because she was a girl, she had to do the housework and her 9-year-old brother could sit on his arse, she would pitch a fit, throw the cleaning supplies back at me, and tell her brother to start helping."
"Your mum is stuck so far in the past it is ridiculous, and I suggest not backing down until your brothers actually pull their weight. 100% NTA." ~ REDDIT
"NTA. You absolutely need to move out of there."
"You aren't going to change your parents' minds about this, and your brothers are being raised to be freeloaders and absolutely useless partners."
"That's infuriating." ~ believe_in_claude
"NTA - and I pity any woman that either dates or marries your brothers."
"Your mother is not only treating you and your sister poorly but she is also setting up your brothers to fail in life." ~ meeeee01
Reddit is loud and clear in its support for OP.
It's 2025, not 1955.
It's sad that your parents think this way.
They are doing your brothers no favors.
Stand your ground for you and your sister.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp