Some parents can't let their kids grow up.
Once a child hits that certain age when it's time to leave the nest, parents can't help but still try to instill rules when said child visits home.
But adults are not always going to adhere to rules that they feel are arbitrary.
This situation doesn't always go over very well...
Redditor After-Alfalfa5056 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for wearing an outfit my dad told me not to wear for dinner?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I went back home to my parents' house for the holidays and had, for the most part, a relaxing time with family and old friends, except for an incident that is still bothering me."
"For background, I have recently moved away from home for Uni, and this was my first time back since leaving."
"My dad has always been strict and conservative, but when he told me to change into something more appropriate for dinner, I honestly did not expect that even from him."
"I tried to push back and ask why my outfit was not appropriate for a dinner with family, but all I got back as a reason was that it is his house and his rules."
"He never told me, but I think the real reason was my mid thigh skirt (I never had a skirt that short when living at home) and I told him how it is sexist to police women's outfits and I think he was not being a good and considerate host to his guest (me) by being so strict so I was not going to change my outfit."
"I think living by myself has made me more independent and less of a people pleaser than I used to be, and I am not ready to just do what he tells me to do anymore."
"One awkward dinner later, my values are intact, but I can't help but ask, is the length of my skirt really the hill I want the relationship with my dad to die on?"
Edit: Yes, my parents, MOM and DAD, both help me with rent, food, and stuff."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Ask yourself this: Is your skirt something your DAD wants to lose the relationship over because HE is the one with a problem."
"'My house, my rules' isn't the end of the discussion."
"You're a guest in his house now, you don't live there."
"Would he ask a coworker's wife to go home and change clothes? No."
"His control over you is OVER. I am so glad you stood up for yourself."
"Keep it up, NTA at all."
"He's falling into the same trap men are doing here in the US, and think they have rights over women just because they're men."
"Personally, I'm f**king done with that attitude, and every woman on earth should be scorching the ground right now." ~ Used_Librarian_6728
"There's idealism, and then there's reality."
"If he's paying for your living expenses, then he's paying for your clothes, including said skirt."
"He is well within his rights to ask you NOT to wear it to one event."
"Based on the fact that you were still included and paid for, despite your decision not to comply, is your dad handling the situation in a mature, adult way?"
"Your comments have made it clear you are only looking for responses that reaffirm your point of view and assuage your guilt."
"Reddit does NOT have to live with your dad or maintain a relationship with him."
"You DO need to ask yourself what hills are worth dying on."
"If you had to ask, you already know this wasn't the one to die on." ~ runlikeitsdisney
"Yes, it is the hill."
"Rock the boat."
"Don't walk on eggshells."
"You are a grown adult woman."
"He will not change, and you don't have to mute yourself."
"I would find a way to compromise if it bothers you, but in 2026, we aren't bending for controlling behavior anymore. NTA." ~ poomcatroom
"After years of debate and arguments, I finally realized, when my dad was in his 70s, that he was never going to change."
"Then I chose to ignore, redirect, or not engage with his sometimes sexist, bigoted, and racist opinions."
"The rest of him was fine."
"I had him for another 20 years before he passed." ~ Single_Exit6066
"NTA. As you said, you're an adult and can wear whatever you want."
"However, I don't know how your dad is, but he can also choose to no longer support you financially, emotionally, or in any way (if he's doing any of that) for going against his outdated views."
"You're not wrong, but depending on your relationship with him and his views on things, it may or may not be the hill to die on." ~ squeeshka
"NTA - it's not really about the skirt but rather supporting your own autonomy."
"The skirt issue is probably just one example of a pattern of being controlling and possibly misogynistic."
"You're not wrong to want to empower yourself."
"You will have to strategize if you are still reliant on your parents to any degree, though." ~ LukaChu_theCat
"NTA. You rightfully stood up for yourself. "
"You are 100% right, men have absolutely zero business telling women what they should or shouldn't be wearing."
"You were comfortable, and that's all that matters." ~ fordag
"I don't think this is the hill you want to die on."
"You're 18. I get it."
"I'm 45 now, but was once an 18-year-old woman."
"It is still his house, and you're not really a guest."
"That was also your house until a few months ago."
"Your permanent address is likely not your university address."
"Are you still going to live at your parents' house during the summers?"
"Honestly, needing to wear a mini skirt for a family holiday dinner seems more like you wanted to start an issue."
"You seem to have known he'd have a problem with it, so you wanted to wear it."
"Of course, you should be able to wear what you want."
"But, you could consider that your dad is still coming to terms with you being an adult and all that that means."
"Being an adult isn't about pushing boundaries and pushing your parents away."
"It's realizing you are your own person, but being purposefully disrespectful isn't being an adult."
"You don't have to have a relationship with your parents."
"You don't have to do anything."
"But, if you value your family more than your wardrobe, you might consider that you purposefully did something you knew he wouldn't like so you could then 'stand up' for yourself."
"A miniskirt at Christmas isn't the hill I'd die on."
"Now, if he started calling you a slut and telling you women should only go to college to find a husband, and you're never going to find a good man dressing like that... that's a hill to die on. "
"But, it sounds like he wasn't acting like that."
"It's up to you."
"Wear what you want."
"But, it honestly sounds to me like you knew it would be an issue, did it anyway, and wanted the chance to show your independence."
"In a couple of decades, you'll see that's not a mature behavior."
"It's understandable."
"But, not the show of maturity and independence you think it is now."
"You're NTA, but you may just want to consider your priorities."
"When you're 30, you may wish you had a better relationship with your parents."
"Or maybe not."
"But, it's just something to consider." ~ ConsiderationFew7599
"NTA. You're 18, not 13."
"He can't tell you what to wear."
"He can tell you not to be in his house for any reason, including for the skirt - it's his house - but that doesn't preclude his reasons from being controlling a**hole ones." ~ BroodingSonata
"NTA. If my kids show up wearing something I don't like, I suck it up and keep my mouth shut."
"They're adults, and I'm the parent, I set the example for being a good parent/host, demonstrating grace and good manners, and focusing on the important thing, which is that they are there and we are spending time together."
"So glad that I'm old enough to see men trying to control women for what it is and be done with that BS." ~ PlentifulBox
"NTA, that was a pretty ridiculous demand from your father, who should be happy to see you."
"This was a family dinner, not a gathering at a formal event."
"If you enjoy going home, especially to see your mom or siblings, or if your parents are paying for your life at school and you would rather not rock the boat too much, just wear something else for dinner next time."
"Save the cute skirt for going out."
"He cannot be that old, but he sounds insufferable."
"My much older than him husband never even considered policing what our kids wore around the house." ~springflowers68
"You don't have to die on this hill, but it's one of the many that you will have the opportunity to die on if you don't."
"If you were to let that boundary be crossed once, it would happen again and again."
"Even if you don't think you were right, your father was most definitely wrong. NTA." ~ upperdecker32
"NTA - If your dad wants to destroy his entire relationship with his daughter over an antiquated sexist remark, then he never cared about you to begin with, and it's always been about power, respect, and control."
"He can either accept you for the adult you are and get over himself or learn the hard way that actions and words have repercussions."
"Parents, especially conservative parents, have a hard time accepting their children as individuals." ~ FoncusedFistula
Reddit is with you, OP.
You are a grown woman.
Policing your clothes is not okay.
Your dad needs to realize you are your own person.
Keep being you.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp