When there’s a family health crisis, we all do what we can to contribute.
But for Redditor ThrowRA77474 the expectation was a little too large.
This led the Original Poster (OP) to subReddit “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA).
They asked:
“AITA for not wanting to use my college fund to pay for my brother’s treatment?”
They went on to explain.
“My parents divorced when I was about 7 because my dad had admitted to having an affair.”
“My mom and I moved out of our house and into an apartment while my dad immediately moved his mistress into our house because she was pregnant with my twin brothers.”
“My mom was devastated, but she quickly picked herself up for us. She went back to school and as a result, she continued climbing up in her career.”
“My mom adjusted better to going from a double income household to a single income and was able to contribute a substantial amount of money to my college fund.”
“My dad, on the other hand, had a harder time as he now has to support a family of 4 sometimes 5 on a single income as his wife is a SAHM.”
“My dad did not have much disposable income and so did not contribute as much to the fund.”
“I’m going to finish school soon, and I have a good shot at getting into my first choice of college.”
“Unfortunately, my brother [10-year-old Male] was diagnosed with a kidney disease which has progressed to where he needs to be on dialysis.”
“My dad is drowning in medical debt, so my mom agreed he no longer needed to pay child support.”
“The specialist had suggested a different treatment for my brother as most other treatments didn’t help or stopped working and they are running out of options short of a transplant (not doable at this time).”
“This treatment is not covered by insurance and costs a lot. My dad can’t take out a loan due to debt.”
“Dad and his wife sat me down when I was over and asked if I would be willing to let them borrow my college fund to pay off my brother’s treatment.”
“They offered to pay the money back, but I knew they wouldn’t be able to.”
“I really don’t want to give them the money because I know if I don’t get any scholarships, I wouldn’t be able to go to the college I want to without going into debt myself.”
“My future would be at risk, and I know my dad wouldn’t help if I needed it.”
“In addition, the money technically belongs to my mom, I can’t just give it away, and I know she would refuse to give them the money.”
“My dad and his wife are furious at both my mom and me and are trying to guilt me into it. I do feel terrible for my little brother.”
“AITA?”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
-
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
“NTA. The money isn’t yours, firstly. It was allocated by your mother for a specific thing.”
“You’re d*mn right you’re not getting the money back if you loan them. It was grossly inappropriate for our father to ask for money from you, who I presume is a minor.” – FancyPantsDancer
“NTA. You have a lovely, understanding, and clear-eyed view of this. He’d never pay you back, and you’d be stuck under college debt for the next 20 years.”
“Ask your mom to be the bad guy.”
“She can have her divorce attorney send a letter telling him the funds are hers to control and she’s not giving up years of her savings for him and his affair partner’s expenses.”
“She can also tell him that she’ll take him to court to end his custody if he keeps trying to financially abuse a 17-year-old.”
“That’s a bit of a feint since you could choose to go no contact at any point, but it might shock him out of his behavior.” – capmanor1755
“NTA”
“That money is your Mom’s money that was set aside from her for your college. It was not meant to pay for her ex-husband’s kid’s treatments.”
“They call it a loan, but it is not. It will never be repaid, and your MOM will be out thousands of dollars of her hard-earned money.”
“They need to come up with other sources, such as holding fundraisers (carwashes, yardsales, GoFundme, and BBQ do well in my area).”
“Or StepMom needs to work after Dad is off work so he can do childcare, or Dad needs a second job.”
“They can also look into government aid or medical studies where treatment would be covered.” – oaksandpines1776
“NTA”
“OP – you need more facts before you make any decision. First, ALL dialysis in the United States is paid for by Medicaid – even if someone is wealthy.”
“A treatment not covered AT ALL by insurance? That sounds kind of suspect. I would want to speak to the physicians directly.”
“If you are an adult enough to be expected to fund the treatment, you are adult enough to get the facts directly.”
“I’m sorry for your sibling, but this is NOT your problem. This is a problem of your parents’ making. Maybe this kid’s mom ought to go get a job.” – AlbanyBarbiedoll
The OP came back to add a little clarity.
“My dad does have a second job that he works on the weekend, and his wife home-schools the boys and is a full-time caregiver for my brother.”
“My dad’s family disowned him when the affair came to light. He did get some help from his brother and sister, but they can only give so much; I do think I was his last option.”
“His wife did not have a lot of family.”
“Lastly, of course, I would feel bad if something happened to my brother, he’s just a little kid, but I would want to help him with MY OWN money, and I can only do that if I start my career debt free.”
“I also don’t want to risk my own future.”
Reddit continued to weigh in.
“Your father started off the deal by lying to your face. That money would not ever be paid back.”
“He wants to destroy your future to give it to his other child, but your future was painstakingly secured by your mother and is not his to take. You are NTA.” – Sathari-1
“NTA, he made his bed. That is money that was specifically saved for your future, mainly by your mom. It is not your mother’s responsibility to pay for your father’s affair babies.”
“My family in current a lot of medical bills when I was younger, and it to decades to recover from the financial struggle, and that was with insurance.”
“I can’t imagine the bills they have, and you are right you will never get the money back.” – Spare-Imagination132
“NTA – Wow, first of all, as an adult and imperfect parent myself, I must apologize for your father.”
“News Flash, us adults can be ginormous turds when we are scared or feel our backs against the wall, but this is WAY beyond that. Your father is putting up Hall Of Fame AH numbers right now.”
“He is the proverbial drowning person who will drag you down with them if you let them.”
“Your reasoning is clear, and it is correct in my view.”
“Do not forget your current understanding that this money has nothing to do with how much you love or care for your brother. Your Dad should be ashamed of himself.”
“I hope your father snaps out of this and recognizes his toxic approach could do permanent damage to your relationship.”
“For additional perspective, when I was 3 or 4, my slightly older sister lost both kidneys, then she spent 50 years fighting battle after battle.”
“So consider that your college fund is but a drop of water compared to the river of medical costs that may be coming for your father and his wife over the coming decades.”
“It will mean very little in the battle to pay all those medical bills but will mean the world to your education.” – JfPickups
The OP went on to provide a final update.
“So after I called my mom, she left work early and picked me up from Dad’s house. She took me for coffee, and I explained what happened.”
“After talking a bit, she said I could either keep the fund as is and not give Dad the money or we can take the money that Dad had contributed and give that back to him.”
“I told her I wanted to give Dad back the money he put in.”
“After we finish our coffee, Mom withdrew the exact amount Dad put in over the years. Mom also matched the amount and added it to give to Dad.”
“I waited in the car while she gave Dad the money, and he was upset because the money wasn’t enough.”
“Mom told him that is all he’s going to get from her and threatened to take him to court if he and his wife keep harassing me.”
“This is probably the last update as I am going low contact with Dad for now. Thank you, everyone, for the genuine support and the advice.”
Best of luck to the OP and their brother.