When there's a family health crisis, we all do what we can to contribute.
But for Redditor ThrowRA77474 the expectation was a little too large.
This led the Original Poster (OP) to subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA).
They asked:
"AITA for not wanting to use my college fund to pay for my brother's treatment?"
They went on to explain.
"My parents divorced when I was about 7 because my dad had admitted to having an affair."
"My mom and I moved out of our house and into an apartment while my dad immediately moved his mistress into our house because she was pregnant with my twin brothers."
"My mom was devastated, but she quickly picked herself up for us. She went back to school and as a result, she continued climbing up in her career."
"My mom adjusted better to going from a double income household to a single income and was able to contribute a substantial amount of money to my college fund."
"My dad, on the other hand, had a harder time as he now has to support a family of 4 sometimes 5 on a single income as his wife is a SAHM."
"My dad did not have much disposable income and so did not contribute as much to the fund."
"I'm going to finish school soon, and I have a good shot at getting into my first choice of college."
"Unfortunately, my brother [10-year-old Male] was diagnosed with a kidney disease which has progressed to where he needs to be on dialysis."
"My dad is drowning in medical debt, so my mom agreed he no longer needed to pay child support."
"The specialist had suggested a different treatment for my brother as most other treatments didn't help or stopped working and they are running out of options short of a transplant (not doable at this time)."
"This treatment is not covered by insurance and costs a lot. My dad can't take out a loan due to debt."
"Dad and his wife sat me down when I was over and asked if I would be willing to let them borrow my college fund to pay off my brother's treatment."
"They offered to pay the money back, but I knew they wouldn't be able to."
"I really don't want to give them the money because I know if I don't get any scholarships, I wouldn't be able to go to the college I want to without going into debt myself."
"My future would be at risk, and I know my dad wouldn't help if I needed it."
"In addition, the money technically belongs to my mom, I can't just give it away, and I know she would refuse to give them the money."
"My dad and his wife are furious at both my mom and me and are trying to guilt me into it. I do feel terrible for my little brother."
"AITA?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
-
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"NTA. The money isn't yours, firstly. It was allocated by your mother for a specific thing."
"You're d*mn right you're not getting the money back if you loan them. It was grossly inappropriate for our father to ask for money from you, who I presume is a minor." - FancyPantsDancer
"NTA. You have a lovely, understanding, and clear-eyed view of this. He'd never pay you back, and you'd be stuck under college debt for the next 20 years."
"Ask your mom to be the bad guy."
"She can have her divorce attorney send a letter telling him the funds are hers to control and she's not giving up years of her savings for him and his affair partner's expenses."
"She can also tell him that she'll take him to court to end his custody if he keeps trying to financially abuse a 17-year-old."
"That's a bit of a feint since you could choose to go no contact at any point, but it might shock him out of his behavior." - capmanor1755
"NTA"
"That money is your Mom's money that was set aside from her for your college. It was not meant to pay for her ex-husband's kid's treatments."
"They call it a loan, but it is not. It will never be repaid, and your MOM will be out thousands of dollars of her hard-earned money."
"They need to come up with other sources, such as holding fundraisers (carwashes, yardsales, GoFundme, and BBQ do well in my area)."
"Or StepMom needs to work after Dad is off work so he can do childcare, or Dad needs a second job."
"They can also look into government aid or medical studies where treatment would be covered." - oaksandpines1776
"NTA"
"OP - you need more facts before you make any decision. First, ALL dialysis in the United States is paid for by Medicaid - even if someone is wealthy."
"A treatment not covered AT ALL by insurance? That sounds kind of suspect. I would want to speak to the physicians directly."
"If you are an adult enough to be expected to fund the treatment, you are adult enough to get the facts directly."
"I'm sorry for your sibling, but this is NOT your problem. This is a problem of your parents' making. Maybe this kid's mom ought to go get a job." - AlbanyBarbiedoll
The OP came back to add a little clarity.
"My dad does have a second job that he works on the weekend, and his wife home-schools the boys and is a full-time caregiver for my brother."
"My dad's family disowned him when the affair came to light. He did get some help from his brother and sister, but they can only give so much; I do think I was his last option."
"His wife did not have a lot of family."
"Lastly, of course, I would feel bad if something happened to my brother, he's just a little kid, but I would want to help him with MY OWN money, and I can only do that if I start my career debt free."
"I also don't want to risk my own future."
Reddit continued to weigh in.
"Your father started off the deal by lying to your face. That money would not ever be paid back."
"He wants to destroy your future to give it to his other child, but your future was painstakingly secured by your mother and is not his to take. You are NTA." - Sathari-1
"NTA, he made his bed. That is money that was specifically saved for your future, mainly by your mom. It is not your mother's responsibility to pay for your father's affair babies."
"My family in current a lot of medical bills when I was younger, and it to decades to recover from the financial struggle, and that was with insurance."
"I can't imagine the bills they have, and you are right you will never get the money back." - Spare-Imagination132
"NTA - Wow, first of all, as an adult and imperfect parent myself, I must apologize for your father."
"News Flash, us adults can be ginormous turds when we are scared or feel our backs against the wall, but this is WAY beyond that. Your father is putting up Hall Of Fame AH numbers right now."
"He is the proverbial drowning person who will drag you down with them if you let them."
"Your reasoning is clear, and it is correct in my view."
"Do not forget your current understanding that this money has nothing to do with how much you love or care for your brother. Your Dad should be ashamed of himself."
"I hope your father snaps out of this and recognizes his toxic approach could do permanent damage to your relationship."
"For additional perspective, when I was 3 or 4, my slightly older sister lost both kidneys, then she spent 50 years fighting battle after battle."
"So consider that your college fund is but a drop of water compared to the river of medical costs that may be coming for your father and his wife over the coming decades."
"It will mean very little in the battle to pay all those medical bills but will mean the world to your education." - JfPickups
The OP went on to provide a final update.
"So after I called my mom, she left work early and picked me up from Dad's house. She took me for coffee, and I explained what happened."
"After talking a bit, she said I could either keep the fund as is and not give Dad the money or we can take the money that Dad had contributed and give that back to him."
"I told her I wanted to give Dad back the money he put in."
"After we finish our coffee, Mom withdrew the exact amount Dad put in over the years. Mom also matched the amount and added it to give to Dad."
"I waited in the car while she gave Dad the money, and he was upset because the money wasn't enough."
"Mom told him that is all he's going to get from her and threatened to take him to court if he and his wife keep harassing me."
"This is probably the last update as I am going low contact with Dad for now. Thank you, everyone, for the genuine support and the advice."
Best of luck to the OP and their brother.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp