In many parts of the world, children traditionally continue to live with their parents, regardless of gender, until they get married. Moving out as soon as they reach the age of majority is not the norm for many cultures around the globe.
Sometimes it's strictly tradition; other times, it's for financial reasons or a lack of affordable housing. Whatever the reason, adults may remain under their parents' roof after finishing their schooling and starting their careers.
Which leads to questions about that adult child's earnings. Should their paycheck go towards family finances?
If so, how much? And who gets to make that decision?
If more than one adult child still lives at home, should they each be required to contribute equally?
An adult child living in their parents' home turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Additional_Chard3680 asked:
"AITA for hiding my savings from my family?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"So this has been eating at me for a few days, and I figured I'd just post it."
"I work full time, and I've been at the same company for like 3 years now. I'm in my 30s and contribute at home every month, always have. My younger brother doesn't, by the way, but that's a whole other thing."
"Anyway, at some point, it just became this unspoken thing where if I had money saved, it was basically already gone before I even decided anything. Not emergencies either—like last year it was furniture. Nobody asked me, just 'we're doing this'."
"When my pay went up a bit, I quietly kept some aside. Not a lot honestly. Just didn't tell anyone."
"So when anyone asks, I still say I'm broke. Because the second I mention savings, suddenly there's something I 'can help with too'. I learned that the hard way."
"Last week, I said I couldn't chip in for something. Then it came out I actually have savings—it slipped out in an argument before I even realized what I said."
"Now apparently, I'm the dishonest one who misled everyone."
"I genuinely don't know. Is the money mine? I earned it? But also I did lie, so I don’t know."
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I told my family I couldn't afford to chip in when I actually had savings set aside. I straight up said I was broke when I wasn't. That's the action."
"Why I might be the a**hole—because regardless of my reasons, I looked them in the eye and lied. They're not wrong to feel misled."
"I could've just said 'I'm not contributing to this' instead of pretending I had nothing. I chose the easier lie over an uncomfortable conversation and now they don't trust me. That's on me."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA, but it's probably time to move out." ~ RandomCoffeeThoughts
"Your family is either struggling with money, and you may need help recognizing bad habits you learned from them. They might be enmeshed/abusive, which would be an entirely different situation. Moving out would be the obvious solution, depending on where you live." ~ room32a
"If they are forcing you or putting pressure on you to pay that’s financial abuse. Even if they're your parent, even if you 'agree' after they guilt you, they are trying to control you." ~ purpleja
"NTA, it’s your money. Is there a possibility you can move out on your own soon?" ~ hazelmummy
"You're planning to move out must be exactly why they're taking all your money. You're their bank at this point OP."
"I'm sorry. I assume when you move out, your brother will actually have to work. That might be good for him." ~ Own_Art5667
"That’s one of the reasons why they bleed OP dry every chance they get." ~ TomeThugNHarmony4664
"Why in the world did you tell them about your savings? That was your private information." ~ Both_Ad_6777
"Yeah. I didn't have much money because I moved out at 17. But the money I did have before I moved out got taken because 'I was under their roof' and I did most of the housework too."
"After I moved out, my sister had to pick up my work. It really does suck. But you have a full-time job and can hopefully find a place easily!" ~ Own_Art5667
"NTA and you need to be saving MORE so you can get the Hell out of there!" ~ JustSort6370
"NTA. Stop letting people pocket-watch you. If you are doing your part, there is no reason all your money has to go into a pot and become their money."
"That turns into financial abuse really fast and the fact that you are feeling guilty over controlling your own money shows it might already be there."
"You aren't a slave or a cog to be used. You are a person. Don't feel guilty about thinking forward about your own future." ~ Whole_Series2416
"NTA, tell your family you're already contributing financially, and no one else is entitled to your hard-earned money. If they have access to your bank account, transfer everything to a new one ASAP." ~ FluffyLime8982
"Tell your family, you are not contributing anything. Your younger brother hasn’t been contributing anything, so you are going to stop contributing for a number of years until his total contributions match yours."
"I would definitely plan to move out as soon as possible. Where did they get the right to spend your money?" ~ Effective-Several
"NTA! WTF is going on here? We will need some more context/background, as currently, your family sounds rather abusive…"
"Bottom line is that it’s your money, you help around the house and contribute, and you need to be saving for a deposit to have your own place, not paying for their new furniture." ~ MelAbbie
"NTA. Not remotely. Your money is your money."
"Not only that, but you didn't lie. Money you set aside for savings and investment is not spending money."
"So, when the money you've earmarked for spending is gone, you're broke. Broke and poor aren't the same thing." ~ DCisMe27
"How are you expected to get ahead if people are constantly taking your hard-earned money? There’s one thing to contribute to the monthly expenses, but to have no ownership of the money you worked for? That’s manipulative."
"Do not let the guilt and shame get to you. That is a manipulative tactic designed to make you question yourself and your right to autonomy." ~ SatoriNamast3
"NTA. You give them a set amount each pay period already. That’s your contribution- end of story. Don’t feel guilty saving for your own needs. You are not the head of household; your parents are." ~ rastagrrl
"NTA . Move out. It's cheaper. The mooching will only escalate, and IT WILL NEVER END." ~ Queen_V_1
"NTA, there is no way for you to get ahead if your savings is used up all the time. Personally, I think it’s gross that your parents will use your savings for the household. I think that is crossing the line as a parent."
"My goal is to allow my kids to grow their savings as much as possible for their future. I would set up a separate savings account and transfer money every pay and act like that money is spent, so you are not lying it is money not available to you until you are out on your own."
"Do not tell anyone about that account, and if anyone ever finds it, lie and say it’s a locked account for saving and you can’t take it out for 10 years or something." ~ k_rock48
"NTA, you don’t owe them an explanation about your savings. You have to keep it secret, or they will continue to drain you dry."
"You didn’t lie. You are saving for the ability to move out. You need to do that as quickly as possible." ~ No_Tough3666
"NTA, not even close. It is your money, you already contributed. If they want to do something special, they should save up, too. Do you get to bring the furniture with you when you move?"
"I am betting no. If it stays there when you move, they need to buy it themselves." ~ hmndhppy4evr
"NTA for sure. I am in a similar-ish boat, so I definitely get it. I am on a pretty lucrative career path (medicine in a highly paid subspecialty), and my family (not even just parents) has already earmarked my salary as if it isn't my own."
"I'm already setting salary expectations lower than the truth. Doesn't mean I won't treat the people I love, but it should always be your choice." ~ Last_Way6839
The OP provided a quick note:
"I think this whole thing made it clear I need to move out ASAP, or I'll never get financial independence. That was the point of my secret savings, but I'll never move out if I keep giving in to my parents' demands."
OP had a plan to move out, but being their parents' ATM and supporting their brother will make sure that plan never comes to fruition.
OP needs to put their future first by cutting off their family's access to their earnings or resigning to living with and financially supporting their parents and brother for the rest of their life.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp