In many parts of the world, children traditionally continue to live with their parents, regardless of gender, until they get married. Moving out as soon as they reach the age of majority is not the norm for many cultures around the globe.
Sometimes it's strictly tradition; other times, it's for financial reasons or a lack of affordable housing. Whatever the reason, adults may remain under their parents' roof after finishing their schooling and starting their careers.
Which leads to questions about that adult child's earnings. Should their paycheck go towards family finances?
If so, how much? And who gets to make that decision?
If more than one adult child still lives at home, should they each be required to contribute equally?
An adult child living in their parents' home turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Additional_Chard3680 asked:
"AITA for hiding my savings from my family?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"So this has been eating at me for a few days, and I figured I'd just post it."
"I work full time, and I've been at the same company for like 3 years now. I'm in my 30s and contribute at home every month, always have. My younger brother doesn't, by the way, but that's a whole other thing."
"Anyway, at some point, it just became this unspoken thing where if I had money saved, it was basically already gone before I even decided anything. Not emergencies either—like last year it was furniture. Nobody asked me, just 'we're doing this'."
"When my pay went up a bit, I quietly kept some aside. Not a lot honestly. Just didn't tell anyone."
"So when anyone asks, I still say I'm broke. Because the second I mention savings, suddenly there's something I 'can help with too'. I learned that the hard way."
"Last week, I said I couldn't chip in for something. Then it came out I actually have savings—it slipped out in an argument before I even realized what I said."
"Now apparently, I'm the dishonest one who misled everyone."
"I genuinely don't know. Is the money mine? I earned it? But also I did lie, so I don’t know."
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I told my family I couldn't afford to chip in when I actually had savings set aside. I straight up said I was broke when I wasn't. That's the action."
"Why I might be the a**hole—because regardless of my reasons, I looked them in the eye and lied. They're not wrong to feel misled."
"I could've just said 'I'm not contributing to this' instead of pretending I had nothing. I chose the easier lie over an uncomfortable conversation and now they don't trust me. That's on me."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA, but it's probably time to move out." ~ RandomCoffeeThoughts
"Your family is either struggling with money, and you may need help recognizing bad habits you learned from them. They might be enmeshed/abusive, which would be an entirely different situation. Moving out would be the obvious solution, depending on where you live." ~ room32a
"If they are forcing you or putting pressure on you to pay that’s financial abuse. Even if they're your parent, even if you 'agree' after they guilt you, they are trying to control you." ~ purpleja
"NTA, it’s your money. Is there a possibility you can move out on your own soon?" ~ hazelmummy
"You're planning to move out must be exactly why they're taking all your money. You're their bank at this point OP."
"I'm sorry. I assume when you move out, your brother will actually have to work. That might be good for him." ~ Own_Art5667
"That’s one of the reasons why they bleed OP dry every chance they get." ~ TomeThugNHarmony4664
"Why in the world did you tell them about your savings? That was your private information." ~ Both_Ad_6777
"Yeah. I didn't have much money because I moved out at 17. But the money I did have before I moved out got taken because 'I was under their roof' and I did most of the housework too."
"After I moved out, my sister had to pick up my work. It really does suck. But you have a full-time job and can hopefully find a place easily!" ~ Own_Art5667
"NTA and you need to be saving MORE so you can get the Hell out of there!" ~ JustSort6370
"NTA. Stop letting people pocket-watch you. If you are doing your part, there is no reason all your money has to go into a pot and become their money."
"That turns into financial abuse really fast and the fact that you are feeling guilty over controlling your own money shows it might already be there."
"You aren't a slave or a cog to be used. You are a person. Don't feel guilty about thinking forward about your own future." ~ Whole_Series2416
"NTA, tell your family you're already contributing financially, and no one else is entitled to your hard-earned money. If they have access to your bank account, transfer everything to a new one ASAP." ~ FluffyLime8982
"Tell your family, you are not contributing anything. Your younger brother hasn’t been contributing anything, so you are going to stop contributing for a number of years until his total contributions match yours."
"I would definitely plan to move out as soon as possible. Where did they get the right to spend your money?" ~ Effective-Several
"NTA! WTF is going on here? We will need some more context/background, as currently, your family sounds rather abusive…"
"Bottom line is that it’s your money, you help around the house and contribute, and you need to be saving for a deposit to have your own place, not paying for their new furniture." ~ MelAbbie
"NTA. Not remotely. Your money is your money."
"Not only that, but you didn't lie. Money you set aside for savings and investment is not spending money."
"So, when the money you've earmarked for spending is gone, you're broke. Broke and poor aren't the same thing." ~ DCisMe27
"How are you expected to get ahead if people are constantly taking your hard-earned money? There’s one thing to contribute to the monthly expenses, but to have no ownership of the money you worked for? That’s manipulative."
"Do not let the guilt and shame get to you. That is a manipulative tactic designed to make you question yourself and your right to autonomy." ~ SatoriNamast3
"NTA. You give them a set amount each pay period already. That’s your contribution- end of story. Don’t feel guilty saving for your own needs. You are not the head of household; your parents are." ~ rastagrrl
"NTA . Move out. It's cheaper. The mooching will only escalate, and IT WILL NEVER END." ~ Queen_V_1
"NTA, there is no way for you to get ahead if your savings is used up all the time. Personally, I think it’s gross that your parents will use your savings for the household. I think that is crossing the line as a parent."
"My goal is to allow my kids to grow their savings as much as possible for their future. I would set up a separate savings account and transfer money every pay and act like that money is spent, so you are not lying it is money not available to you until you are out on your own."
"Do not tell anyone about that account, and if anyone ever finds it, lie and say it’s a locked account for saving and you can’t take it out for 10 years or something." ~ k_rock48
"NTA, you don’t owe them an explanation about your savings. You have to keep it secret, or they will continue to drain you dry."
"You didn’t lie. You are saving for the ability to move out. You need to do that as quickly as possible." ~ No_Tough3666
"NTA, not even close. It is your money, you already contributed. If they want to do something special, they should save up, too. Do you get to bring the furniture with you when you move?"
"I am betting no. If it stays there when you move, they need to buy it themselves." ~ hmndhppy4evr
"NTA for sure. I am in a similar-ish boat, so I definitely get it. I am on a pretty lucrative career path (medicine in a highly paid subspecialty), and my family (not even just parents) has already earmarked my salary as if it isn't my own."
"I'm already setting salary expectations lower than the truth. Doesn't mean I won't treat the people I love, but it should always be your choice." ~ Last_Way6839
The OP provided a quick note:
"I think this whole thing made it clear I need to move out ASAP, or I'll never get financial independence. That was the point of my secret savings, but I'll never move out if I keep giving in to my parents' demands."
OP had a plan to move out, but being their parents' ATM and supporting their brother will make sure that plan never comes to fruition.
OP needs to put their future first by cutting off their family's access to their earnings or resigning to living with and financially supporting their parents and brother for the rest of their life.
