Money is often the cause of many personal problems.
Sometimes, the people who have it are often guilted into giving it to loved ones who seem to know only how to waste it.
Not always lending money can cause a lot of strain on relationships.
But nobody is obligated to just give away hard-earned money.
Right?
Redditor unwantedtrazh wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for lying to my family about how much money I have?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"For context: I’m 19 F[emale], and grew up in an extremely poor family, with my mom, aunt, and grandma."
"We are a very small family, and although things have moderately improved, everyone is still lower class."
"I went to Uni at 17, and started receiving student loans, my aunt started asking me for loans regularly."
"While I lived with my mom, I paid around $400 a month for rent and helped out with things like car insurance."
"I had to move out at 18 due to constant arguing and strains on my mental health, and since then, she has also occasionally been asking for loans."
"After I moved out, I got a part-time minimum wage job to help with the rent and my car, and while I’m not great at saving, I’ve been trying to put away small amounts each month with the hopes of saving for a deposit on a house."
"At one point, my mom confessed to me she had maxed out her credit cards, and I ended up emptying my savings, both helping her and giving my aunt loans of $200+ at a time, some of which I never saw back."
"After this, I told them I wouldn’t be able to help them so much anymore."
"Except recently, they ended up back in exact same situation."
"I’ve replenished a good amount of my savings, but after a long talk with my grandma, who has also been giving me loans, she urged me to keep my savings private."
"So for the last 6 months, I’ve still given them smaller amounts, telling them that’s all I can afford."
"Last week, my aunt was helping me with something on my laptop, and I had left open a statement from my savings account."
"She blew up at me over lying, and when my mom found out, she did the same, saying if I can afford things like my tattoos, the club, and other nonessentials, then I should be able to afford helping my family out."
"Neither of them has talked to me for over a week, saying that I’ve turned my back on the family, so they can do the same."
"I feel so guilty, but I’m so tired of helping them out of a situation that they keep returning to."
"Am I supposed to never enjoy myself because they can’t get out of debt?"
"Am I just being selfish here?"
The OP was left to wonder:
"Am the A**hole?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Imagine how embarrassed you’d be, at their age, relying on a 19-year-old to get you by in life."
"They should be ashamed." ~ Less-Assistance-7575
"THEY SHOULD BE ASHAMED!! NTA!"
"You’re putting away a few bucks in case you have an emergency‼️"
"Being responsible doesn’t make you obligated to bail out the irresponsible!" ~ CaptKeemau
"You will never get out of the cycle of poverty if you keep giving away your money."
"Your mom and aunt will never get better with money or get to a place where they will stop asking."
"You must keep saying no and never give them money. And see if your school offers free or reduced-cost counseling to learn to let go of the guilt and set boundaries for yourself." ~ friendlily
"Agreed. People often get stuck in the mindset that they need to help, and those who want help often fall into the mindset that they deserve it and justify it accordingly."
"If you can afford it and they're appreciative or pay you back in other ways, then it's not an issue."
"However, in this situation, they're not using the money to fix any problems; instead, they're creating more problems because they think they can generate more money."
"It's not helping anyone at all." ~ Neveronlyadream
"Take back the control."
"Have they been giving you the cold shoulder?"
"Give it right back."
"Keep yourself busy with work, studies, friends, and new hobbies."
"Don’t fret because they’ll show up asking for that money again at some point after they realize you aren’t chasing after their love."
"I’d just tell them you don’t have it anymore, that you had saved it up for school bills, and it’s been used, and to STOP asking for your money that you need to live and study."
"I don’t know if you’re in the US, but you must lock down your credit as you are over 18, because next they will be trying to open credit cards and lines in your name." ~ TheVue221
"Absolutely!"
"Contact the credit bureaus ASAP."
"You should be able to do this online, but if you cannot, contact each Customer Service department."
"In addition, actually write a letter to each credit bureau stating that you are not responsible for any debts of anyone else, only your own."
"Contact your bank’s customer service department to verify that no one else ever has access to your accounts."
"In addition, since you were underage when your accounts were opened, make sure that your mom’s name is not attached to your account."
"If she had to sign for you to open the accounts, she likely has access."
"If so, that access needs to be severed."
"To make sure that some helpful bank teller doesn’t go ahead and give her access anyway, you might consider opening accounts at a completely different bank." ~ OldestCrone
"OP, I was in a similar situation at your age, but I couldn’t get myself to stop giving my parents money."
"I ended up breaking from the stress of trying to take care of myself, my family, and my school."
"I dropped out, and just now at 25, after years of struggling, I’m considering giving college another go."
"I was only able to get to this point after cutting contact with my mother."
"When I tried to stop giving her money, she stole my identity."
"That was the stressor for breaking contact completely."
"I’m not saying you will end up in the exact same situation if you continue giving money, but take this as insight to where your life COULD go."
"Please stop giving them money, focus on yourself, and keep a close eye on your credit."
"You’re not being selfish by taking care of YOU first, and keep it up with schoolwork."
"Set your boundaries, and don’t let them tell you that your boundaries are wrong."
"Listen to your grandmother as she seems to have your back."
"You can do this!"
"Don’t let them convince you that you have something to be guilty for because you absolutely DO NOT." ~ Fickle-Big5063
"You need to check your credit history."
"If they're so willing to bleed your finances dry, they may be taking out credit in your name, as well."
"You can check each of the major credit reporting agencies (Equifax, TransUnion, and Experian) for free once per year at annualcreditreport.com."
"Report any anomalies immediately."
"If they screw up your credit, it could be a major problem for your future."
"If they are committing fraud against you, you need to hold them accountable."
"They don't have any problem throwing you under the financial bus for their gain."
"You're not the guilty party."
"Giving them money is enabling their bad behavior."
"They need to face the consequences and learn to take better care of their finances."
"You have no reason to feel guilty, but they do."
"They're abusing your kind nature and generosity." ~ Anianna
"Low or no contact is the only answer to this."
"They stopped talking to you for saying 'no.'"
"Says it all, really."
"They have proven the basis of your worth to them over and over and over."
"You are now free to go off and enjoy your education and independence without the dead weight of your awful family."
"I can imagine that if you weren't responsible enough to be supporting yourself, they would have had you out stealing for them."
"Definitely NTA."
"Miraculously. Your supposed role models are one step away from criminal behaviors."
"Please protect your credit." ~ essiemessy
"NTA, looks up financial/economic abuse."
"It doesn't matter if their ask is reasonable, you are not responsible for them."
"In fact, you are starting your life; if anything, they should help you."
"It's selfish of them to expect help from someone who is merely starting in life." ~ ShapeShiftingCats
"From this point forward, you don't give them anything, and you don't help them out."
"Their own poor money habits are the reason they are where they are."
"You can't fix this."
"You tried, but they were right back where they began."
"They have to make the effort to stop spending recklessly."
"You have to watch out for yourself."
"If they know the bank you use, my advice is to move your money to a different bank."
"Then open a brokerage account and start investing small amounts in index funds r/bogelheads is a great place to learn about investing and finances."
"You're going to have to say no."
"They will continue to guilt-trip you, 'family!!!' etc, but they don't care about you as a family member if they keep mooching off of you."
"Tell them you are family too and need to take care of yourself." ~ goldenfingernails
"NTA - Your grandma was right."
"Your mom and aunt need to pay their own bills."
"If anything, they should be helping you, or at the bare minimum be good role models." ~ Timely_Tune_7607
Reddit is with you, OP.
This is your money.
You do with it what YOU want to do.
Don't let your family bully you.
Good Luck.
