It's not uncommon for parents to help their children financially.
Fiscal responsibility is a learning curve that takes a fair amount of trial and error.
One reason most parents offer help without a second thought is knowing that with time, their children will one day help them out in kind.
Of course, financial assistance can be offered and requested, but it should never be demanded.
With a little help from her parents, Redditor throwAwayWho818 had grown a surprisingly healthy nest egg for her young age.
A nest egg the original poster (OP) was shocked to find her parents stealing from in plain sight.
While the OP tried to explain to her parents that their behavior was out of line, she was even more shocked by her mother's response to this claim.
Confused and hurt by the whole situation, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for refusing to pay my parents' mortgage after they took money from my savings without asking?"
The OP explained how she found herself in an unpleasant financial tug-of-war with her parents:
"I (18 F[emale]) work for my dad and get paid really well for my age."
"I've been working for him for a year, saving most of my income in an account they don't have access to while keeping a little for daily expenses."
"My relationship with my parents is rocky because their marriage is toxic, and my sibling (10 M[ale]) and I are often caught in the crossfire of their unresolved issues."
"I live with them, but I'm planning to move out and take my sibling with me when I can."
"Recently, things had been calm between us, so I thought maybe I could trust them more."
"They've always said my money is mine, so I didn't see this coming."
"Last night, they asked to see how much was in my savings account."
"When I showed them, they grabbed my phone and ignored my questions about what they were doing."
"I overheard them transferring $990 (the daily limit) into their loan account without my permission."
"When I got upset, my dad laughed and told me to transfer another $990 the next day."
"They didn't explain why they were taking the money or ask for my help beforehand."
"This morning, my mom admitted it was for their mortgage."
"I told her they could have asked me instead of taking it without permission."
"She said, 'Your money is our money, and you're getting the house when we die, so what's the problem?'"
"That really hurt because I've worked hard for my savings to secure my future and help my sibling, and now it feels like all my work is pointless."
"I refused to give them more money, which led to a screaming match with my mom."
"She accused me of being selfish and ungrateful since they've provided for me my whole life."
"I do feel grateful, but I also feel like they've crossed a line by taking my money without asking and then demanding more."
"I understand they're under financial stress, but I feel like they're treating me like an ATM instead of their daughter."
"I'm questioning whether I should just give in to keep the peace, though it feels wrong."
"Why I might be the a**hole:"
"I refused to give them more money for their mortgage, even though I live under their roof, and they've supported me in the past."
"Maybe I'm being selfish by prioritizing my savings instead of helping them during a tough time."
"Am I in the wrong for saying no?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to help her parents pay their mortgage with her savings.
Everyone agreed that the OP's parents committed blatant theft, with many encouraging the OP not to waste another second and move out of their house immediately and others urging her to consider legal action:
"You should have called the bank immediately and reported the transfer as fraudulent, explaining how it happened."
"NTA."
"Honestly, just move out, right now."
"This instant."
"And they are not good parents."
"At all."
"A good parent does exactly none of the above."- Mathalamus2
"NTA."
"They stole from you."
"I'd move the money to another bank and change the account access to only you."
"Call the bank and report the unauthorized transfers out of your account."- No_Philosopher_1870
"NTA."
"Change your passwords now."
"Also, call the bank and see if you can contest the charge."
"But you might also need a police report."
"I say this nicely, but stop being so naive."- snarkness_monster
"NTA."
"First you need to find another job that your dad isn't control of."
"As long as you work for him, you'll always be under his control."- wlfwrtr
"NTA."
"I really despise it when parents use the whole 'I raised you and did everything, blah blah blah' line."
"Yes, thank you."
"You can appreciate it and maybe do some things back for them, but you don't have to because they raised you."
"They signed up for the responsibility of having a child, so it's their JOB to feed, shelter, and provide for you."
"You can be grateful, but that doesn't mean you have to be their cash cow because they did so much."
"Saying that 'you'll be getting the house when we die' is straight toxic manipulation."
"For example, if you don't do this, you'll get nothing when they die, and it's your fault."
"No."
"It's their's."
"They are the adults and know better, but they wanna go back to the old fashion."
"'I'm big, you're small, I'm smart, you're dumb, I'm right, you're wrong'."
"And take your hard earned money they swore that was solely your's."
"They have damaged your trust so much to the point that you had to let the bank know not to let them STEAL it."
"They will probably say 'family helps family' but here's the real question:"
"Why does family not mean anything when it's hurting you?"
"Classic manipulation."
"My version goes: 'family helps family. If you are here to hurt you aren't family. Fix yourself or get out'."- Xytheboi
"'Since they've provided for me my whole life' this mindset from parents makes me so incredibly angry."
"Like, yeah, you actively chose to have children."
"Literally, your ONE job is to provide for them."
"They didn't ask to be born; you made that decision, and when you make that decision, you face the consequences of it, aka providing for them financially for as long as you need to."
"Not just until they become 18."
"They are your child from the moment you brought them into this world to the moment they leave it."
"You don't get to weaponize your decision and your responsibilities against the child when it's convenient for you."
"NTA."- Fearless-Whereas-854
"I suspect you are being paid 'really well' for your age by your dad because he assumed you'd then pay him."
"It's a tax dodge to extract money from the business more cheaply than paying himself directly."
"Such arrangements are quite common, but usually all parties are aware of it, agree to it, and understand it."
"If he just assumed your money is his then he miscalculated."
"NTA."- Happiness-to-go
"NTA."
"Move out now."- OhmsWay-71
"Definitely NTA."
"Their actions have consequences."- Busy-Magician-6309
"We'll look what their pride got them now."
"The world now knows your parents forcefully stole from you."
"That they are willing to financially abuse you because they somehow mismanaged their money and need you to pay for their mortgage."
"Is your father's business really that stable?"
"Did they mortgage the house to fund the business?"
"There's a lot going on here, and they are hiding something."
"You're an adult, and they should be honest with you instead of building resentment about what they did."
"If you'll eventually get the house as they say, tell them you want to see the paperwork of how much they owe and add you to the deed if you're paying the mortgage now."
"If they are that behind in payments and they need to steal your money, they will probably lose the house or sell it just before, and you'll have nothing left but an empty bank account."
"They will not pay you back from the sale either."
"Try to have a reasonable conversation with them."
"But as others have said, look for a new job just in case."
"NTA."- Better-Turnover2783
The OP later returned with an update on how she handled her parents' actions:
"Thanks to everyone who offered their advice. I listened and called the bank, and they have restricted all transfers out of the savings account, which is good."
"They also said that the only way right now to get the 990 dollars back is by lodging a police report but I decided against it."
"I know... I'm just not mentally strong enough to go against my parents like THAT at the moment."
All children owe their parents a debt of gratitude for giving them food and shelter, let alone life and love.
However, no child is ever obligated to get their parents out of a hole that they dug with their own poor judgment.
Especially when their parents did not seem to provide them the love that every child deserves.
Which heartbreakingly seems to be the poor OP's situation.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp