It's not uncommon for parents to help their children financially.
Fiscal responsibility is a learning curve that takes a fair amount of trial and error.
One reason most parents offer help without a second thought is knowing that with time, their children will one day help them out in kind.
Of course, financial assistance can be offered and requested, but it should never be demanded.
With a little help from her parents, Redditor throwAwayWho818 had grown a surprisingly healthy nest egg for her young age.
A nest egg the original poster (OP) was shocked to find her parents stealing from in plain sight.
While the OP tried to explain to her parents that their behavior was out of line, she was even more shocked by her mother's response to this claim.
Confused and hurt by the whole situation, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for refusing to pay my parents' mortgage after they took money from my savings without asking?"
The OP explained how she found herself in an unpleasant financial tug-of-war with her parents:
"I (18 F[emale]) work for my dad and get paid really well for my age."
"I've been working for him for a year, saving most of my income in an account they don't have access to while keeping a little for daily expenses."
"My relationship with my parents is rocky because their marriage is toxic, and my sibling (10 M[ale]) and I are often caught in the crossfire of their unresolved issues."
"I live with them, but I'm planning to move out and take my sibling with me when I can."
"Recently, things had been calm between us, so I thought maybe I could trust them more."
"They've always said my money is mine, so I didn't see this coming."
"Last night, they asked to see how much was in my savings account."
"When I showed them, they grabbed my phone and ignored my questions about what they were doing."
"I overheard them transferring $990 (the daily limit) into their loan account without my permission."
"When I got upset, my dad laughed and told me to transfer another $990 the next day."
"They didn't explain why they were taking the money or ask for my help beforehand."
"This morning, my mom admitted it was for their mortgage."
"I told her they could have asked me instead of taking it without permission."
"She said, 'Your money is our money, and you're getting the house when we die, so what's the problem?'"
"That really hurt because I've worked hard for my savings to secure my future and help my sibling, and now it feels like all my work is pointless."
"I refused to give them more money, which led to a screaming match with my mom."
"She accused me of being selfish and ungrateful since they've provided for me my whole life."
"I do feel grateful, but I also feel like they've crossed a line by taking my money without asking and then demanding more."
"I understand they're under financial stress, but I feel like they're treating me like an ATM instead of their daughter."
"I'm questioning whether I should just give in to keep the peace, though it feels wrong."
"Why I might be the a**hole:"
"I refused to give them more money for their mortgage, even though I live under their roof, and they've supported me in the past."
"Maybe I'm being selfish by prioritizing my savings instead of helping them during a tough time."
"Am I in the wrong for saying no?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to help her parents pay their mortgage with her savings.
Everyone agreed that the OP's parents committed blatant theft, with many encouraging the OP not to waste another second and move out of their house immediately and others urging her to consider legal action:
"You should have called the bank immediately and reported the transfer as fraudulent, explaining how it happened."
"NTA."
"Honestly, just move out, right now."
"This instant."
"And they are not good parents."
"At all."
"A good parent does exactly none of the above."- Mathalamus2
"NTA."
"They stole from you."
"I'd move the money to another bank and change the account access to only you."
"Call the bank and report the unauthorized transfers out of your account."- No_Philosopher_1870
"NTA."
"Change your passwords now."
"Also, call the bank and see if you can contest the charge."
"But you might also need a police report."
"I say this nicely, but stop being so naive."- snarkness_monster
"NTA."
"First you need to find another job that your dad isn't control of."
"As long as you work for him, you'll always be under his control."- wlfwrtr
"NTA."
"I really despise it when parents use the whole 'I raised you and did everything, blah blah blah' line."
"Yes, thank you."
"You can appreciate it and maybe do some things back for them, but you don't have to because they raised you."
"They signed up for the responsibility of having a child, so it's their JOB to feed, shelter, and provide for you."
"You can be grateful, but that doesn't mean you have to be their cash cow because they did so much."
"Saying that 'you'll be getting the house when we die' is straight toxic manipulation."
"For example, if you don't do this, you'll get nothing when they die, and it's your fault."
"No."
"It's their's."
"They are the adults and know better, but they wanna go back to the old fashion."
"'I'm big, you're small, I'm smart, you're dumb, I'm right, you're wrong'."
"And take your hard earned money they swore that was solely your's."
"They have damaged your trust so much to the point that you had to let the bank know not to let them STEAL it."
"They will probably say 'family helps family' but here's the real question:"
"Why does family not mean anything when it's hurting you?"
"Classic manipulation."
"My version goes: 'family helps family. If you are here to hurt you aren't family. Fix yourself or get out'."- Xytheboi
"'Since they've provided for me my whole life' this mindset from parents makes me so incredibly angry."
"Like, yeah, you actively chose to have children."
"Literally, your ONE job is to provide for them."
"They didn't ask to be born; you made that decision, and when you make that decision, you face the consequences of it, aka providing for them financially for as long as you need to."
"Not just until they become 18."
"They are your child from the moment you brought them into this world to the moment they leave it."
"You don't get to weaponize your decision and your responsibilities against the child when it's convenient for you."
"NTA."- Fearless-Whereas-854
"I suspect you are being paid 'really well' for your age by your dad because he assumed you'd then pay him."
"It's a tax dodge to extract money from the business more cheaply than paying himself directly."
"Such arrangements are quite common, but usually all parties are aware of it, agree to it, and understand it."
"If he just assumed your money is his then he miscalculated."
"NTA."- Happiness-to-go
"NTA."
"Move out now."- OhmsWay-71
"Definitely NTA."
"Their actions have consequences."- Busy-Magician-6309
"We'll look what their pride got them now."
"The world now knows your parents forcefully stole from you."
"That they are willing to financially abuse you because they somehow mismanaged their money and need you to pay for their mortgage."
"Is your father's business really that stable?"
"Did they mortgage the house to fund the business?"
"There's a lot going on here, and they are hiding something."
"You're an adult, and they should be honest with you instead of building resentment about what they did."
"If you'll eventually get the house as they say, tell them you want to see the paperwork of how much they owe and add you to the deed if you're paying the mortgage now."
"If they are that behind in payments and they need to steal your money, they will probably lose the house or sell it just before, and you'll have nothing left but an empty bank account."
"They will not pay you back from the sale either."
"Try to have a reasonable conversation with them."
"But as others have said, look for a new job just in case."
"NTA."- Better-Turnover2783
The OP later returned with an update on how she handled her parents' actions:
"Thanks to everyone who offered their advice. I listened and called the bank, and they have restricted all transfers out of the savings account, which is good."
"They also said that the only way right now to get the 990 dollars back is by lodging a police report but I decided against it."
"I know... I'm just not mentally strong enough to go against my parents like THAT at the moment."
All children owe their parents a debt of gratitude for giving them food and shelter, let alone life and love.
However, no child is ever obligated to get their parents out of a hole that they dug with their own poor judgment.
Especially when their parents did not seem to provide them the love that every child deserves.
Which heartbreakingly seems to be the poor OP's situation.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.