Some people tend to overthink wedding photos.
When the goal is "perfection"...
What memory are you truly capturing?
And sometimes one person's idea of perfection is another person's pain.
Redditor u/stickmanabraham wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
"AITA for not wanting my scars edited out of the wedding photos?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My (28 M[ale]) brother (33 M) is planning for his wedding."
"Some background: I was in an accident as a child, and I have a decently large facial scar from it."
"It goes up the side of my face from my mouth up to my eye and across my cheek to my ear and hairline."
"I have been wearing a mask, like a COVID mask but cut in half and leather, to help my nieces and nephews feel more comfortable around me."
"My brother is planning his wedding to his (29 F[emale]) fiancée, and conversation came up about the dress code and photos."
"As kids will be there as well as guests I have never met, such as his fiancée’s family, I offered to wear my mask or make a new one for the wedding."
"But his fiancée said the mask would look weird and she doesn’t want that in the photos."
"I offered instead to go without the mask."
"I am still working on growing more confident without it, but I hope by the wedding I’ll be confident enough without it as long as the other guests are ok with it."
"However, she also wasn’t happy with that."
"She then offered to have her friend edit the wedding photos and remove the scarring entirely."
"Initially, I was very uncertain and so was my brother."
"But she explained that she didn’t want my scars to ruin the photos."
"I obviously asked how my scars would ruin the photos and roughly said something about them being sad and frightening to some people."
"She then tried to spin the situation, saying that it would be an opportunity to see what I would have looked like if I hadn’t had the accident and I might find something nice or therapeutic through it."
"I ended the conversation there."
"But over the last few weeks, my brother has warmed up to the idea, but I am still very uncertain."
"I understand where she’s coming from; having me, mask or no mask, in her wedding where everyone is dressed up and pretty and looking their best, I will look very out of place regardless."
"And I guess to have her photos of their day tainted with something pretty ugly and sad isn’t a nice memory to have."
"If I wear the mask, that will be a reminder in the photos; if I don’t wear my mask, the photos will have my scars in them."
"So I can see why editing them out might be best for memory’s sake."
"But first, I don’t know whether I want to see that."
"What I could have been."
"Second, something about it feels wrong?"
"I will be the only one photoshopped to such an extent."
"I don’t know whether to completely refuse the editing, not be in the photos, or not go at all?"
"But I want to go to my brother’s wedding and be there for him."
"Is it best I avoid the photos on the day?"
"But then what do I tell the other guests?"
"I understand where she’s coming from, and I can see how she probably meant no offense by it; she just wants the best on their day, but I don’t know if I am comfortable having such a large part of my life, practically half of my face, edited and changed for aesthetics?"
"Maybe I am being dramatic?"
"I would appreciate any advice."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"NTA and I never understood this type of thing."
"Wedding photos are meant to be memories; I didn’t edit any of my wedding photos!"
"I want to look back on my loved ones as they truly are."
"Also, OP, I’m happy to hear you’re starting to get more comfortable going maskless."
"It sounds awful to feel like you have to hide." ~ SolutreanBean
"I assume those kids were born after your accident?"
"If so, this is entirely down to the adults and peers in your life."
"Your scar never would be scary to the kids if they'd known you their entire lives with it."
"By covering it, it's made it something more mysterious and noteworthy."
"If you'd just always be around them and the scar was just a part of you, I guarantee the kids wouldn't care."
"You'd just be their uncle who they love whose face happens to look different to theirs."
"Sure, they'd eventually ask questions."
"And it's almost inevitable that at least one of them will be mean about it at some point because kids can be cruel even when they love you."
"There's nothing wrong or shameful about having scars."
"You survived something terrible, and that's your proof you're a survivor. Sure, it's easier said than done and way more complicated in reality."
"But I promise, you're not any less worthy or scarier or less lovable because of your scar."
"Your S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw] is fully TA here." ~ ausernamebyany_other
"OP, you don‘t have to understand your SIL‘s shallow ideas about perfect pictures."
"Anyone who has a heart would find their pictures perfect for having all their loved ones in them."
"I‘m shocked at your brother going along with this idea."
"My friend‘s husband has a burn mark across one half of his face."
"When they were looking at photographers, one of them suggested editing the pictures to make him look normal."
"My friend told that photographer very clearly where to shove his camera and editing skills."
"It‘s absolutely cruel they‘re making you wear a mask around your niblings. "
"If they had grown up seeing you maskless, they wouldn‘t care about your scar."
"My heart breaks for you thinking treatment like that is acceptable."
"That scar is a reminder of you making it through something terrible and living to tell the tale."
"You don't have to find it pretty, but it shouldn't make you feel like you need to hide."
"Of course my friend‘s kids know dad looks different than other dads, but at no point did they ever find that scary." ~ RiverSong_777
"NTA and WTF?"
"I will never, for the life of me, understand how people like Future-Sister-In-Law think someone's scars will 'ruin a photo.'"
"You are who you are, scars and all."
"Frankly, I'm concerned you feel the need to wear a mask for ANYONE, after 15-20-25?, years to get used to your scars. Kids don't need you to wear a mask; they are very happy to know people as they are."
"Adults who care or are 'scared' of your scars are absolute di*ks you don't need in your life."
"This would be a hard no for me."
"I would refuse the editing."
"If they told me I couldn't be in the photos, then I wouldn't go to the wedding."
"Either I am important to you as I am, or I'm not."
"It's that simple." ~ m33chm
"My uncle was severely burned in a fire long before I was born."
"He had Freddy Krueger-level scarring on his face."
"He never wore a mask, and he never scared us."
"That was just our Uncle, and everyone loved him."
"I can't wrap my head around not accepting and loving his face exactly as it was." ~ Junior_Wrap_2896
"I’m a semi-pro photographer, and the general rule of thumb with retouching is 'if it’s Permanent it stays, if it’s temporary it goes.'”
"Pimples, styes, cold sores, etc., should be edited out, but scars, moles, etc should remain because they are a permanent part of the subject."
"So no, you’re definitely NTA here." ~ xIllustrious_Passion
"NTA. And the bride and anyone who makes you feel uncomfortable about your scars (except the kids, though if the grown-ups around were more accepting and less as*holish, there is a high likelihood they wouldn't have one care about your scars. And/or think they are cool)."
"No one."
"I mean NO ONE should make you feel like you can't be anywhere from the grocery store to a wedding."
"Bride is superficial and an a*shole."
"You are not."
"Your brother should be on your side on this and questioning if he wants to be with someone like that." ~ angel9_writes
"I'm so sorry OP, is this for real?"
"I don't want to discredit your feelings, but this is offensive!!!"
"How incredibly rude."
"'Your face will ruin my wedding'- come the f*ck on?!"
"She's literally saying there's something wrong with how you look, that your face deserves to be changed, all to not ruin HER wedding pictures?"
"That would be enough for me to not be in the wedding and not go."
"I'm glad to hear you are growing comfortable in your skin!! "
"That's fantastic, and I know you are absolutely beautiful."
"I hope one day you feel comfortable not wearing a mask at all."
"I think seeing your scars and learning that everyone looks different and celebrating those differences is a great lesson for your nieces and nephews, personally. Kids are more open and accepting than adults-- would they truly have an issue, or is that pushed by your future SIL?"
"Honestly, she sounds awful and exhausting."
"NTA. At all."
"In any lifetime."
"You deserve to be loved, accepted, and celebrated exactly how you are!! "
"I hope your brother stands by any decision YOU make." ~ thousandsofbirds
Reddit is firmly behind you, OP.
Do what is best for you.
Your scars are beautiful.
This is an outrageous thing to try and do to somebody.
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.