There's a time and a place for everything.
But the middle of someone else's wedding is rarely the right time or the right place to address anything that isn't about the actual wedding. Like, ever.
Just don't do it.
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A woman turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback after her boyfriend decided her friend's wedding was the perfect venue for a relationship review.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—like this post. However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
CarelessBuddy8530 asked:
"AITAH for breaking up with my boyfriend after he did something weird at my best friend's wedding?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"So, this is a bit of a mess, and I'm honestly torn about whether I did the right thing. Here's the situation:"
"I (27, female) have been with my boyfriend, Mark (29, male), for about three years. We've had our ups and downs, but I thought we were in a really good place."
"Recently, my best friend, Rachel (28, female), got married, and I was her maid-of-honor. It was a huge deal for her, and I was super excited to be by her side."
"The wedding was beautiful, everything went smoothly, and Mark was with me as my plus-one. We were having a great time dancing, laughing, just enjoying the night."
"But then, during the reception, Mark did something completely unexpected. So, Rachel and her new husband were dancing their first dance, and Mark was acting kind of off, which I chalked up to him just being nervous."
"Then, out of nowhere, he pulls me aside and says he wants to 'talk' to me privately. We step out to a quieter area, and he's suddenly telling me that he doesn't feel 'ready for this kind of commitment'."
"Like, we've been talking about getting engaged for a while, and I was under the impression we were on the same page, but now he's telling me that he doesn't think he's ready for marriage right there, at my best friend's wedding."
"I try to stay calm and ask him what he's talking about, and he says it's not just about me, but that he's not sure about the whole 'forever' thing. He's just 'having doubts' in general. This was coming out of nowhere, and I was shocked."
"I told him I needed some space and walked back inside to be with my friends. I honestly just felt embarrassed at that point."
"It wasn't the right time or place for that conversation, and it really put a damper on the night. Later on, I tried to talk to him about it again, but he kind of just brushed it off, saying it wasn't a big deal and that he'd 'sort himself out'."
"Long story short, after thinking about it for a few days, I ended things with him. I told him that if he wasn't sure about us, I couldn't keep putting myself in a situation where I'm always uncertain of where we stand."
"Now, some of my friends are telling me I overreacted, that maybe he just got caught up in the moment or was feeling anxious about the future."
"But I don't know, this felt like a huge red flag for me."
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"It wasn't just the timing, but the fact that he had doubts that he didn't bring up until then."
"So, AITA for ending things after that?"
Some Redditors still weighed in by using the voting acronyms from AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not at fault or not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. He told you to your face... You are not his one person. Believe him and go find someone that needs you as much as you need them."
"The time for personal conversations was on a different day. Not during the wedding." ~ thequiethunter
"Him pulling her out at the wedding to talk about anything besides an emergency is messed up. Sounds like he's a person that makes everything about him."
"The conversation could have waited, but he doesn't care about OP missing parts of the wedding and focusing on that. Reason enough to break up and content of the conversation makes it worse." ~ herroyalsadness
"I stopped taking dates to weddings, instead prefer bringing a friend who just genuinely wants to have fun. Men get SO WEIRD at weddings, it shorts their brain or something?"
"I've been to at least four that were ruined by a boyfriend, totally out of character behavior every time, but a real mask off moment for each."
"The day is never about the guests and carefree nights with friends are precious, should never be wasted on a petty argument." ~ _kismitten
"This makes me think of the wedding I attended as a plus one when I was like 18 years old. My date got kinda weird and didn't want to dance or anything, so I spent the whole wedding dancing with his grandpa!"
"I ended up having a fantastic time, but that was how I learned not to be a wedding date with a guy you aren't serious about." ~ Reflection_Secure
"Honestly, sounds like taking a boyfriend as a date to a wedding is a good test. Better to see the mask off while they're still a boyfriend. Of course, I also get not wanting to have a joyous experience spoiled." ~ SwimmingCoyote
"Yup. He did that to humiliate and wrong foot her. OP is better off without him. He disrespected her by bringing this up at the wedding and while she's having a good time."
"Who does that? An arsehole. That's who. Her hopefully ex-boyfriend is an a**hole and not a minute should be wasted on him." ~ sikonat
"Well, I know my wife and I had a lot of our big relationship conversations at and after weddings we attended… but in our case, it was about how much we wanted to be together and build a life together."
"Weddings will often make you think about your own relationship. If your relationship is good, it will make you think about wanting to get married… if it is bad, it will make you want to break up."
"OP should listen to her partner's wedding freak out and not his backtracking, this relationship is doomed." ~ cortesoft
"Right. Feel the anxiety, go to the bathroom or whatever and take a moment to yourself to process it. Then go back out there and don't ruin the day."
"Have the conversation if you still feel like that the next day or whatever."
"But if it was SO PRESSING that he absolutely didn't want to marry her, that he had to bring it up right f*cking then and there… def not the right person to be with."
"I imagine he's actually thankful for the breakup. He triggered it himself, rather intentionally. NTA." ~ rratmannnn
"Smells like he told her at the wedding so she wouldn't «make a scene». NTA." ~ ferromagnetics
"The media has lied to us about what love looks like. Nobody "needs" another person unless they have codependency issues."
"Find someone that wants you as much as you want them. Someone who knows that they are free to choose anything and still chooses you."
"Someone who is with you not because they feel like they have to be but because they know that both your lives are better when you're together than they would be separately."
"This is what real love looks like!" ~ SeePerspectives
"NTA. Obviously this was something he felt strongly about to pull you aside in the middle of a wedding like that. That would make anybody uncertain of a future with him." ~ lmchatterbox
"I think he's in the room full of people discussing commitment and forever and he's not feeling it. I had an ex-boyfriend who I knew I couldn't marry, like I really couldn't see us getting married."
"He was very wish-washy and he would say he wanted to do this or that and never make any plans or even see how to get there. It was never going to happen. But I wouldn't have told him that at my best friends wedding." ~ ClaudiaTale
"It's sort of like when someone wants to break up with their partner but they have a vacation coming up. Some people will wait until after so as not to 'spoil' the trip, but many would argue that the trip will be retroactively spoiled anyways."
"But basically, no one would say to break up with someone mid-trip. It's just selfish. You made a mistake by not doing this sooner, and now you can't just wait a day to do it at a time and place where the person can be comfortable?
"Dude shouldn't have talked to you at the wedding, but at least now you know. Good riddance." ~ CrazyCalYa
"He did you a favor. You're entering an exciting time in your life, your 30s are going to be a blast."
"Now you can have a chance to find your person. Relationships ALL have their ups and downs, but both people need to be working towards the same general goals. You're not. Your person is out there!" ~ Pretty_Belt3490
Sometimes you just have to follow your instincts so you don't mistake Mr. Right for Mr. Right Now.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Cancel Date After He Makes Too Many Sexual Comments
Dating can be really hard, because let's be honest, as fun as it's supposed to be, there are some very strange prospects out there.
While some might just be socially awkward, there are definitely some walking red flags, ready to push every boundary, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Suspicious_End_441 had been talking to a guy for a little while and was planning to go on a first date with him when he started sending her increasingly inappropriate text messages.
But when his texts went far past her comfort zone, especially for someone she'd never met, the Original Poster (OP) planned to call off the date and truly never meet the guy in real life.
She asked the sub:
The OP had been talking to a guy and was looking forward to going on a first date with him.
"For context, I (30 Female) met this guy online and have been talking to him the past few days."
"He asked me out, and we planned a date for today. He seems really nice so far."
"I like him, but he’s made a couple of comments that maybe seem like a red flag to me."
"First off, I did my nails for the date, and he asked me to send him a picture, so I did."
"Then he made some comment like, 'Those would look great wrapped around something.'"
"I kinda brushed it off because I know that’s how some guys are... but it did give me the ick a little."
"Then I asked him to tell me more about himself, and the second thing he told me was that he has a high sex drive."
The potential date texted:
The OP no longer liked the idea of dating the guy.
"Don’t get me wrong, I’m no prude, but this made me slightly uncomfortable. I’m wondering what reason you would need to tell this to someone you haven’t even met yet."
"I didn’t think he would be expecting sex on a first date, but this made me rethink."
"I’m also recovering from a surgery that I had three weeks ago, and he knows this. So that literally isn’t even an option for me, not that I would wanna do that on a first date anyway."
The OP considered never meeting the guy in person.
"I kind of feel like he’s making too many sexual comments too quickly, especially considering I didn’t engage with his first comment at all."
"Am I overreacting, feeling like I maybe want to cancel the date and block him?"
"I just feel like these comments are an indicator of his expectations... or maybe he is just 'being a guy'?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some had second-hand "ick" from reading that text message.
"NOR. My face when I read that text: [Dan Levy from 'Schitt's Creek']" - Unlikely_Captain_499
"I’d nope out right after the nails comment. After I blast him for being completely out of line." - WHYohWhy__MEohMY
"If he’s that comfortable saying stuff like that before he meets you, imagine what he’ll say after he knows you better." - ScrambledNoggin
"Gross. That joke should be saved for wife or long-term girlfriend where you know you'll get a laugh... or more accurately, an eye-roll and a 'threat' to not sleep with him for the next three months, LOL." - HovercraftIII1258
"Every time I get my nails done, my husband says something similar to that, and I always reply, 'I think they'd look good jammed in your eye sockets,' and we both laugh, LOL. But we've been married for over a decade. When we met and when we were dating, he was incredibly polite and possibly TOO slow in making advances. THIS is gross." - wingin_it0618
"This is exactly what I expect as a response from a man heavily in the dating scene right now. Like, sex is fine, but this guy really couldn't wait to go out on the date that was already set up and chill for ONE d**n night? If the girl is into you, it will happen when it happens. It says to me like he has no self-control." - BrayIsreal
"If he's giving you the ick, listen to that. It's not going to go away. Don't waste your own time or his. Plenty more fish in the sea, girl." - Zieglest
"As a man who is heavily in the dating world right now, that sounds like such a turn off, and any self-respecting girl who wants an actual relationship would not even talk to him anymore after this. It's so cringey and makes all of us guys look like there's no reason we want to go out with them other than getting laid. As a guy, it's really annoying; it makes girls weirded out by all of us. Sigh."
"Like, sex is fine, but this guy really couldn't wait to go out on the date that was already set up and chill for ONE d**n night? If the girl is into you, it will happen when it happens. It says to me like he has no self-control."
"That was the dumbest thing he could say to kill his chances. I wouldn't bother with him." - BrayIsReal
"NOR, I wouldn’t want to go anymore either. Making multiple sexual comments before even meeting someone is purposeful, and I doubt he remembers that you can’t do anything due to your surgery or even considers whether you want to."
"Don’t brush off how your gut makes you feel. If you are uncomfortable, then you are under no obligation to go." - AliBari
Others urged the OP to listen to her gut, not to go on that date, and to immediately block the guy.
"If he is already this forward, making sexual comments to a complete stranger, then it will only increase from here; he’s not going to suddenly stop. OP, if he already makes you feel uncertain or pressured, then don’t bother." - saiphxo
"Your gut is telling you something and wants to keep you safe. Don't ignore it." - SparkEli1
"Stay far, far away from this guy. Block. Don't look back. Men like this use high sex drive as a disclaimer for zero boundaries later." - CompetitionLankys
"Trust your intuition. Don’t go."
"I (39 Female) am very comfortable with casual sex and hook-ups. When single, I have never needed an emotional connection with a man to let off some steam. I don’t need him to make me feel special or like we have potential. I don’t need to know his hopes and dreams. I separate men into 'just sex' and 'potential for more' easily."
"I do need him to show the most basic level of respect and not be a creep. I would stop talking to this guy the instant he started speaking like that, even if my intention was to just f**k him."
"We are already talking, we are already about to go on a date, why is he turning it creepy sexual, what is that doing for either of us. It just speaks to a lack of judgment, I wouldn’t want to trust. If he can’t handle a basic text conversation without being a creep, why would I trust him to be alone with me?" - TheCa11ousB**h
"Ok, so I'm a degenerate, but even I wouldn't say something like 'those would look good wrapped around something' to a person I'd never met."
"I mean... do I have to be dad here and say the obvious? It's some guy on the internet who's looking to f**k. Is that really what you want? He can't even be bothered to type the d in the word 'and.'"
"Also, your nails look cool." - skippybeefree
"I’m more insulted that it’s just a terribly uncreative line. This guy's a bum!"
"Also, it's a huge red flag is the first thing he describes himself as a clean freak and needs things done his way. Sounds like a control freak, which would make me dip out immediately." - JeromeBarkley
"Only you know what you need to do. Feel safe. Feel comfortable. Feel SAFE!"
"If you don't, then cancel."
"Some men (I am a man) sometimes say way too much way too soon, and some men don't know how to hold a decent conversation. Sometimes just telling them how you feel about the sexual comments and seeing his reaction will tell you more than anything else he has ever said to you up until this point."
"But always remember you can choose to back out at any point in a date, even if you turn up to have dinner but can't walk in. The same goes for him as well if he turns up but doesn't walk in. We all have the right to feel safe and comfortable, especially on a first date." - Ok_goal6591
It was possible that the guy was just excited about the date, nervous to talk to someone new, socially awkward, or just joking at an inappropriate level.
Unfortunately, though, it was much more likely that these comments indicated the guy's expectations for the first date and how he would treat the OP if she set boundaries, especially regarding his inability to perform after surgery for safety reasons.
While it would be fun to meet someone new, it was much safer for the OP to wait for someone else.