Weddings are often full of tradition and special requests.
Some special requests bring that little extra touch of joy to the occasion.
But sometimes miscommunication can cause a lot of chaos for the happy day.
Once feelings are hurt, the glow begins to fade.
Now everyone may have to attend an event together with hard feelings.
Or skip the moment altogether.
Redditor Human_Hearing_992 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA for taking back my request for my mom to walk me down the aisle?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"So my fiancée and I thought it would be sweet if we were both walked down the aisle by our parents at our wedding."
"For her, that's both her moms and for me, that's my mom."
"I lost my dad 11 years ago when I was 14."
"My mom was thrilled when I asked her and told me she was so excited to walk her baby boy down the aisle."
"The problem came in when she told her husband that I wanted them to walk me down the aisle."
"Not just her like I explicitly stated."
"But she and her husband, who has never been my parental figure and only came into my life as an adult."
"He was excited about the prospect as well and he called me up and told me he was glad I was finally letting him step into the role of father figure because he always wanted kids and he was proud to have a son."
"I had no idea where this came out of, so I asked what he meant, and he said the fact I wanted my mom and him to walk me down the aisle meant I was embracing him as a parent, too.
"I told him I had not asked for both of them."
"I asked just my mom."
"He acted like I never spoke."
"So I called my mom and asked where he got the idea. I had asked him, and she told me she hadn't seen it as a big deal because they're married and he's a good man."
"And surely I'll want him to be a grandpa to my future kids, so including him in this shouldn't be such a big deal."
"I told her it was a big deal because he is not my parent and if anyone was going to be walking with us it would be Dad, but he's not here and because he's not here I don't want anyone else."
"I told her she needed to clear things up with her husband and she told me no."
"She said she would not crush him and I could man up and allow him the joy of experiencing this with us."
"I told her I was not going to walk with the two of them."
"She told me it was too late to back out now and what harm would it do."
"She told me it would crush him to have it taken back."
"I told her he blatantly ignored me when I already told him, and she defended it, saying he was excited and wanted to be included."
"I told her I wouldn't walk with her if she didn't fix this and she told me I had to walk with her, I already asked and she already accepted."
"Which is when I told her if that was her stance, then I was taking back the offer for her, and she could figure out what to tell the man she married."
"All hell broke loose when I told my mom this, and she told me I was behaving like a child and excluding a good man for no good reason, as well as punishing her for trying to be a good wife."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. You offered a sweet gesture, and she completely f**ked it up."
"Does she try to override your wishes on a lot of things, or just in regard to her husband?"
"Is she going to create a bunch of drama at the wedding now?" ~ NapalmAxolotl
"Drop her a note that says..."
"Dear Mom, I was obviously hurt and disappointed when you chose not to walk me up the aisle without your husband-- but I accept and respect your choice and will not attempt to pressure you into changing your mind."
"Fiancée and I thought it would be a sweet moment to walk up the aisle with our parents-- but since you don't wish to participate, we're just going to go the traditional route of the groom meeting the bride at the altar."
"Don't allow her to bring up the subject again. NTA" ~ celticmusebooks
"This is perfect for your mom."
"If you're feeling super magnanimous, you could include a note for her husband saying..."
"Dear [Name], I really appreciate your kind words about growing closer as a family and that my mom has someone she loves so much."
"However, since you and I have only known each other as adults, I asked Mom to walk me down the aisle solo, but of course, I respect her decision to decline."
"Fiancée and I are looking forward to celebrating with you both on the big day and at all the family milestones to come." ~ juniper4774
"I love these suggested replies, and the one to her husband is particularly kind and mature and inclusive."
"I really hope OP considers sending it."
"It will also go a long way toward shutting down his mother's rash behavior, which ultimately hurt OP and her current husband."
"Her current husband does seem genuine about wanting a relationship with you - so this letter acknowledges this in a nice way and would allow it to happen, but on YOUR terms." ~ Akitapal
"OP, I think it's more serious than just walking you down the aisle, she's already got him being granddad to your future kids."
"Does this also mean she wants him listed as the Father of the groom in the programs? What other things will he expect now?"
"Especially since your mom seems willing to just let him do what he wants."
"I'm afraid this has opened a door that going to be tough to close." ~ Vegetable-Cod-2340
"NTA - I think just be very firm with her regarding your decision."
"Sometimes moms, no matter how much they love you, don't fully accept that their child is no longer someone they need to take care of; she doesn't get that she doesn't always know what's best for you anymore."
"Don't allow for any discussions regarding this."
"Even the best of mothers can DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender)."
"You know what you want and don't want."
"And you do NOT want to remember your wedding day as a day you had to settle and make someone else happy at your expense."
"I hope your mom is able to see your side of things and doesn't try to make you feel guilty."
"Best of luck!!" ~ Few_Throat4510
"NTA. He wants to be included."
"It's a wedding, not elementary school."
"It's your wedding your choice."
"She had absolutely no right to include him."
"You asked her, not him."
"Stick to your guns."
"If anyone asks tell them the whole truth."
"She's done this to herself." ~ Vandreeson
"NTA—OP, it doesn't sound like your mom or her husband care what you say."
"They are still going to try to walk with you on your big day, and it's going to be awkward as hell."
"Your mother will cry in front of everyone to get you to keep the peace."
"Hire security. Good luck man." ~ _A-Q
"Oh, hell no. NTA!"
"I lost my mother when I was 14 to cancer."
"My dad has remarried, and I don't have a close relationship with her."
"I get a lot of flack for it, but I stand my own, and I don't let her cross the lines."
"I don't let my dad cross the lines either."
"Do NOT let your mom and stepdad cross your boundaries."
"It's not good."
"Your stepdad and mom need to accept the fact that you had your dad, a man you loved, and that he is no longer here."
"Here's an idea for your wedding."
"Set a picture of your dad in a chair or on the table where you and your wife-to-be will sit at the reception."
"My sister did that at her wedding to honor our mother."
"Her husband did the same for his grandmother."
"It was very cute."
"Your wife can set a picture of someone she wants to honor as well." ~ Ennardinthevents
"It's so odd that her concern was to be 'a good wife' when this whole situation has nothing to do with her."
"This is your day, you have every right to want what you asked for."
"It's extremely childish to demand what THEY want, any gracious adult would understand your feelings and back off."
"They both seem incredibly selfish!"
"I wonder if she has something to prove to him, since they both ignored you, and WORSE tried to insist why you're wrong and how they would choose to force you into this situation you specifically said you didn't want."
"Don't feel bad, NTA, don't let them bully or gaslight you."
"I don't know why they want to force you to make him feel like a father all of a sudden, if it isn't genuine, why would they want it, very self-serving." ~ chocolatfortuncookie
"So your mother decided all on her own to force her husband into a parental relationship with you without asking or consulting you, and is now acting like you have no choice but to go along with it?"
"So NTA and you should start mentally preparing yourself to uninvite them both and, depending on the level of drama your mother is capable of, putting passwords on vendors and talking with the venue about security." ~ Abstruse
"NTA. Your mom is being manipulative."
"There are lots of good men around, some of which will probably be guests at your wedding, none of which will be walking you down the aisle because they are not your parent."
"Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials." ~ Icy_Department_1423
Well, OP, Reddit is with you. It's your happy day.
Your Mom and stepdad are going to have to accept what you offer.
Good luck and congratulations.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp