On paper, weddings are meant to be joyous occasions that invite all sorts of people to spend time celebrating a new couple.
But as anyone who’s been involved in a wedding knows, sometimes tension and drama can outshine all that joy.
One Redditor found herself encountering that long before the wedding even happened. She shared her story in a post on the “Am I the A**hole (AITA)” subReddit.
The Original Poster (OP), known as amberlynnbb on the site, shared a couple details in the title.
“AITA for not wanting my best friend to bring her daughter on my Bachelorette trip?”
From the very beginning, OP has felt conflicted.
“I (23-year-old female) am getting married in January of 2023. My best friend suggested that we take a trip to the beach for my Bach party and now I am obsessed with the idea.”
“The issue is that she is refusing to go out of state for 3 days without her 2 year old daughter.”
She offered up some rationale.
“I am not a mom and I know she will miss her for those few days. I would have no issue with this if she had no one to watch her, but she has a husband and plenty of trustworthy family members who I know would love to watch her daughter.”
“I feel like she is making my special moment about her.”
“She begged and hoped to be a bridesmaid in my wedding and I ultimately chose to ask her to be one even after I was incredibly hurt when she didn’t put me in her own wedding and now I feel like she isn’t doing what she is supposed to be doing as a bridesmaid.”
And for OP, this all sounded a bit familiar.
“I also want to state that I had a prior issue with her regarding wanting my wedding to be child free.”
“She told me that I was ‘asking her to choose between her child and her best friend’ even though she was going to be without her for only one night!”
Although OP was able to put out that fire, the developments with the Back trip still lingered.
“I eventually just asked her if she wanted her daughter to be my flower girl so that she could still be at the wedding in order to solve that conflict.”
“I feel like I am breaking my back to make her happy for the most important event of my life instead of doing what I actually want.”
OP came up with a disheartening solution.
“I ended up talking to her and told her I was really sad and feel a trip isn’t a good idea anymore (even though I really want to take one)…”
“…because if I tell her she can bring her kid on my Bach trip then I’ll have to let my other family members/bridal party members bring their kids. I can’t tell one person yes and the other person no.”
“I told her that it wouldn’t even feel like a Bach trip at that point, it would feel like a family vacation.”
OP closed with some long-awaited venting.
“She just responded with ‘I get what you mean! It’s okay, we can do something else for your Bach then’ I am so frustrated.”
“In my opinion a bachelorette trip is no place for children, especially a 2 year old.”
“But I still feel like an a**hole because she says things like ‘you’re making me choose between you and my child’ when I bring up leaving her daughter out of ANYTHING.”
“I never have an issue with letting her tag along, I love her like my own. But this one thing should be about me and I feel like I can’t truly do what I want because of her.”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Almost every response supported OP’s decision. In fact, they told her to stick to her guns.
“NTA. She is the one making the choice between you and her child. Like you said, she had a husband and family members that can look after her for a few nights.”
“Honestly, don’t sacrifice what you want for her – she is being unfair emotionally manipulating you into doing g what she wants. Go to the beach and have an amazing (child free) weekend.” — xpotential31
“NTA – this is not a good friend. She begs to be in your wedding but doesn’t return the favour, expects loads of accommodations around her and for your bach trip to change to suit her needs?”
“Nope. Do what YOU want for your bachelorette, if this ‘friend’ can’t make it, she can’t make it. Have your child free wedding and use it as a great excuse to make sure she doesn’t come.” — AlternativeAd3652
“NTA. Still plan your beach Bach party, and just tell her she’s more than welcome to come spend the day with you and the rest of the party and drive home to her family if she doesn’t feel comfortable being without her daughter.”
“This way the ball is 100% in her court but also if she can’t even go 12 hours without her kid than it’s a her problem and the rest of the party shouldn’t have to suffer.” — latefordinner__
“NTA! I’m a mom and I would effing HATE to bring my child to a bachelorette party. She should be happy to enjoy a vacation without her? You should stand your ground. If you dont want kids, dont let kids come. 2 year olds suck the fun and spontaneity out of everything.”
“Tell her that if she is uncomfortable leaving her daughter, then she can skip out on the bachelorette party and attend the wedding. Be kind but assertive. I know you dont want a child at your wedding either but I think her being the flower girl is a good compromise.”
“Ultimately you wont have too pay much attention to her child at the reception. Good luck and congratulations.” — alotatola
Some were even more stern with their advice that OP advocate for herself more.
“Uhgr she sounds tiresome. Tell her you will be doing X Y and Z for your bachelorette party – she can come without her daughter or don’t come at all. It’s your party not hers.”
“Honestly I’d drop her totally she sounds super selfish and who the hell takes a child to a bachelorette party my lord. NTA” — England_emma
“NTA. You’re absolutely right, a bachelorette trip is no place for a 2 year old. Instead of supporting you and doing her best to make your wedding experiences good for you, she’s doing what is most convenient for herself.”
“You may want to reconsider having her in your wedding party. Take the beach trip and tell her that while you would love for her to be there, it is 100% child free. Don’t let her selfishness dictate your event.” — Consistent-Leopard71
“NTA. Tell her clearly that she’s invited on the planned beach trip but her daughter is not.”
“Either she comes without her daughter = you win”
“Or”
“She gets offended and backs out if your wedding = you win (it’s plainly obvious you didn’t want her or her daughter in your wedding in the first place)” — gw2kpro
“NTA. I am baffled that this friend is basically asking you to make the one time in your life that is supposed to be done how YOU want it, about her.”
“Now you have to change all of your plans for her? No girl. You are going to regret bending over backwards for anyone else when it comes to your wedding.”
“Do it your way and make no apologies. If she really loves you, she’ll make a plan for the one night without her daughter. Otherwise, her sitting out may be a good thing. Sounds like she’d be moping around anyway if she does come (grudgingly, probably).” — monsoonpepper
A few even supplied some drafts.
“NTA. ‘Oh you can’t come without her, that’s unfortunate. We will take lots of photos for you to look at when we come back then.’ “
“The more you cater then the more she will demand.” — Status-Pattern7539
“Pls go on your bach trip!!! Tell her she’s invited, but it’s child free. Although, if she did go without her kid she would prob ruin your trip anyway.”
“Personally I’d say ‘I understand that you don’t want to leave your daughter and I’m totally ok with that. We will miss you on the bach trip!’ ” — squeezemymilkies
“NTA. She’s being manipulative to get her way. She uses her child as a pawn in your arguments so that you feel bad. The only thing you can do with that is to see what she’s doing for what it is and state clear boundaries.”
“ ‘I would like to have the beach trip that I wanted for my bachelorette party, it will be child free as all bachelorette parties are. This is not up for discussion and I’m sorry if you won’t be able to attend.’ ”
“Repeat every time she pulls this crap until she stops or proves that she has no respect for you and you can move on.” — aielwyn
Here’s hoping OP has a fabulous bachelorette celebration and wedding, and not a single kid shows up.