On paper, weddings are meant to be joyous occasions that invite all sorts of people to spend time celebrating a new couple.
But as anyone who's been involved in a wedding knows, sometimes tension and drama can outshine all that joy.
One Redditor found herself encountering that long before the wedding even happened. She shared her story in a post on the "Am I the A**hole (AITA)" subReddit.
The Original Poster (OP), known as amberlynnbb on the site, shared a couple details in the title.
"AITA for not wanting my best friend to bring her daughter on my Bachelorette trip?"
From the very beginning, OP has felt conflicted.
"I (23-year-old female) am getting married in January of 2023. My best friend suggested that we take a trip to the beach for my Bach party and now I am obsessed with the idea."
"The issue is that she is refusing to go out of state for 3 days without her 2 year old daughter."
She offered up some rationale.
"I am not a mom and I know she will miss her for those few days. I would have no issue with this if she had no one to watch her, but she has a husband and plenty of trustworthy family members who I know would love to watch her daughter."
"I feel like she is making my special moment about her."
"She begged and hoped to be a bridesmaid in my wedding and I ultimately chose to ask her to be one even after I was incredibly hurt when she didn't put me in her own wedding and now I feel like she isn't doing what she is supposed to be doing as a bridesmaid."
And for OP, this all sounded a bit familiar.
"I also want to state that I had a prior issue with her regarding wanting my wedding to be child free."
"She told me that I was 'asking her to choose between her child and her best friend' even though she was going to be without her for only one night!"
Although OP was able to put out that fire, the developments with the Back trip still lingered.
"I eventually just asked her if she wanted her daughter to be my flower girl so that she could still be at the wedding in order to solve that conflict."
"I feel like I am breaking my back to make her happy for the most important event of my life instead of doing what I actually want."
OP came up with a disheartening solution.
"I ended up talking to her and told her I was really sad and feel a trip isn't a good idea anymore (even though I really want to take one)..."
"...because if I tell her she can bring her kid on my Bach trip then I'll have to let my other family members/bridal party members bring their kids. I can't tell one person yes and the other person no."
"I told her that it wouldn't even feel like a Bach trip at that point, it would feel like a family vacation."
OP closed with some long-awaited venting.
"She just responded with 'I get what you mean! It's okay, we can do something else for your Bach then' I am so frustrated."
"In my opinion a bachelorette trip is no place for children, especially a 2 year old."
"But I still feel like an a**hole because she says things like 'you're making me choose between you and my child' when I bring up leaving her daughter out of ANYTHING."
"I never have an issue with letting her tag along, I love her like my own. But this one thing should be about me and I feel like I can't truly do what I want because of her."
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Almost every response supported OP's decision. In fact, they told her to stick to her guns.
"NTA. She is the one making the choice between you and her child. Like you said, she had a husband and family members that can look after her for a few nights."
"Honestly, don't sacrifice what you want for her - she is being unfair emotionally manipulating you into doing g what she wants. Go to the beach and have an amazing (child free) weekend." -- xpotential31
"NTA - this is not a good friend. She begs to be in your wedding but doesn't return the favour, expects loads of accommodations around her and for your bach trip to change to suit her needs?"
"Nope. Do what YOU want for your bachelorette, if this 'friend' can't make it, she can't make it. Have your child free wedding and use it as a great excuse to make sure she doesn't come." -- AlternativeAd3652
"NTA. Still plan your beach Bach party, and just tell her she's more than welcome to come spend the day with you and the rest of the party and drive home to her family if she doesn't feel comfortable being without her daughter."
"This way the ball is 100% in her court but also if she can't even go 12 hours without her kid than it's a her problem and the rest of the party shouldn't have to suffer." -- latefordinner__
"NTA! I'm a mom and I would effing HATE to bring my child to a bachelorette party. She should be happy to enjoy a vacation without her? You should stand your ground. If you dont want kids, dont let kids come. 2 year olds suck the fun and spontaneity out of everything."
"Tell her that if she is uncomfortable leaving her daughter, then she can skip out on the bachelorette party and attend the wedding. Be kind but assertive. I know you dont want a child at your wedding either but I think her being the flower girl is a good compromise."
"Ultimately you wont have too pay much attention to her child at the reception. Good luck and congratulations." -- alotatola
Some were even more stern with their advice that OP advocate for herself more.
"Uhgr she sounds tiresome. Tell her you will be doing X Y and Z for your bachelorette party - she can come without her daughter or don't come at all. It's your party not hers."
"Honestly I'd drop her totally she sounds super selfish and who the hell takes a child to a bachelorette party my lord. NTA" -- England_emma
"NTA. You're absolutely right, a bachelorette trip is no place for a 2 year old. Instead of supporting you and doing her best to make your wedding experiences good for you, she's doing what is most convenient for herself."
"You may want to reconsider having her in your wedding party. Take the beach trip and tell her that while you would love for her to be there, it is 100% child free. Don't let her selfishness dictate your event." -- Consistent-Leopard71
"NTA. Tell her clearly that she's invited on the planned beach trip but her daughter is not."
"Either she comes without her daughter = you win"
"Or"
"She gets offended and backs out if your wedding = you win (it's plainly obvious you didn't want her or her daughter in your wedding in the first place)" -- gw2kpro
"NTA. I am baffled that this friend is basically asking you to make the one time in your life that is supposed to be done how YOU want it, about her."
"Now you have to change all of your plans for her? No girl. You are going to regret bending over backwards for anyone else when it comes to your wedding."
"Do it your way and make no apologies. If she really loves you, she'll make a plan for the one night without her daughter. Otherwise, her sitting out may be a good thing. Sounds like she'd be moping around anyway if she does come (grudgingly, probably)." -- monsoonpepper
A few even supplied some drafts.
"NTA. 'Oh you can't come without her, that's unfortunate. We will take lots of photos for you to look at when we come back then.' "
"The more you cater then the more she will demand." -- Status-Pattern7539
"Pls go on your bach trip!!! Tell her she's invited, but it's child free. Although, if she did go without her kid she would prob ruin your trip anyway."
"Personally I'd say 'I understand that you don't want to leave your daughter and I'm totally ok with that. We will miss you on the bach trip!' " -- squeezemymilkies
"NTA. She's being manipulative to get her way. She uses her child as a pawn in your arguments so that you feel bad. The only thing you can do with that is to see what she's doing for what it is and state clear boundaries."
" 'I would like to have the beach trip that I wanted for my bachelorette party, it will be child free as all bachelorette parties are. This is not up for discussion and I'm sorry if you won't be able to attend.' "
"Repeat every time she pulls this crap until she stops or proves that she has no respect for you and you can move on." -- aielwyn
Here's hoping OP has a fabulous bachelorette celebration and wedding, and not a single kid shows up.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.