Everyone needs a friend they can rely on when times are tough, who they think will be open to an impromptu friend session over pizza and wine.
Of course, not everyone loves spontaneity, and a friend paying an unexpected visit isn’t always a pleasant surprise.
When they are looking for something beyond friendly chatter, it often feels like an imposition.
Redditor Away-Search784 wanted to be there for her friend, who was going through marital difficulties.
So much so that the original poster (OP) was even willing to say yes when her friend asked if she and her children could come over for dinner at the last minute.
However, when this small gathering started to grow and become anything but small, the OP felt that the time had come for her to draw the line.
Wondering if she was being insensitive to her friend’s feelings, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I the A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for ignoring my friend’s phone calls after she invited herself, her spouse, her children, and her friends to my home for an impromptu BBQ without my permission?”
The OP explained why she finally felt the need to set boundaries with a friend:
“My friend is having a hard time with her spouse and really needs someone to be there for her while they work through their issues.”
“We only just recently reconnected after not speaking for four years.”
“Now, every time she calls she asks me what I’m doing for the day or at that moment, and then invites herself, her family of 4, and some of her friends over to my house.”
“Example 1 for clarity: Friday was her spouse’s birthday.”
“Monday she told me she planned to take him to dinner.”
“Then she called me Friday morning asking me what I was doing.”
“I told her I was just watching a movie on my couch.”
“Then she says ‘I know it’s last minute, but I want to come over and BBQ at your house’.”
“She said the kids could play together, and we could hang out and have some drinks.”
“I hesitated initially and then told her that I didn’t really have a lot of meat here, nor was my home ‘company ready’.”
“She responded that she would grab some more food and do all of the cooking.”
“Then I said okay.”
“I cleaned up a little bit, and then I received a second call.”
“She excitedly told me that she invited her guy friend and he may bring a friend for me to talk to, AND a female friend of hers was also coming.”
“I was so shocked that she was trying to throw a party, not just come over and hang out with just her family like she implied during the first call.”
“Her family already was 4 people that I was not expecting which would have made a total of 8 people including my own children.”
“I have only met 2 of the 3 people she invited.”
“She did not even ask if she could invite anyone else to my home or give out my address.”
“Luckily, I got a call on the other line and told her I’d call back.”
“2 hours passed by and she called me repeatedly.”
“I decided to text her that something came up, and I can’t host a party for her husband.”
“I did not receive a response.”
“I waited another 2 hours and then called her to see how the BBQ party was going.”
“She told me she didn’t even have the BBQ party. Like, wtf?”
“I asked her why she didn’t ask her friends to come to her apartment since she has her own BBQ grill and why didn’t she at least go out to dinner like she planned originally.”
“She literally didn’t even answer the first question but said she didn’t want to spend a lot of money going out to eat.”
“Am I the a**hole for making up an excuse to end the call and then ignoring all of her repeated calls to confirm?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for ignoring her friend’s calls and calling off the barbecue.
Everyone agreed that the OP’s friend was being presumptuous by asking to come over in the first place and went officially beyond the pale by inviting other friends over without asking the OP first, leaving some to wonder if the OP should even consider her a friend.
“Your home is not a public venue that she can just invite anyone to.”
“NTA.”- mdthomas
“NTA.”
“Just say No.”
“Sorry, that will not be possible.”
“And there is a reason you did not talk to her for four years.’
“I would go back to no communication.”- Worth-Season3645
“NTA.”
“This is a friend?”
“She sounds like a parasite. She’s using you for your place.”
“There was a reason you didn’t speak.”
“Is this a friendship worth keeping?”- SliceEquivalent825
“NTA.”
“Who invited the guests to other people’s houses without permission?”- Mysterious-Bag-5283
“NTA.”
“She seems very manipulative and her actions were very odd and rude.”
“I’d nix that relationship.”- tell-it-str8t
“Good grief, you need to learn how to say no.”
“Practice in front of a mirror if you have to.”
“’Can I have a party for my husband at your house?’”
“NO.”
“’Can I invite strangers to your house?’”
“NO.”
“’Can I continue to be an unrepentant leech on your life?’”
“NO.”
“NTA.”- Next-Drummer-9280
“NTA.”
“But why do you claim this woman as a friend?”- Brother-Cane
“NTA.”
“My sister did this and then couldn’t understand why she stopped being invited over.”
“Like yeah, you can come over.”
“2 other friends and your BF (when you’re still married) cannot.”
“Now we don’t talk because I’m ‘not supportive’.”
“It just boggles my mind that in our 40s she had to be told how rude it was to do this when it’s not your house.”- Minute_Cold_6671
“Had friends like this. NC for years, then suddenly, when THEY NEEDED ME, or my ear, or my space, or my whatever, they were calling, texting, suggesting time ‘together’ all the time.”
“The moment their ‘problem’ was ‘resolved’?”
“All quiet on the western front.”
“Then, as happens, things shifted, and I needed a friend – not for therapy or a shoulder to cry on or anything else, just a friend to be with – and it was crickets.”
“Always too busy, couldn’t pick up, ‘don’t assume you can count on me’.”
“Lesson learned: if they ‘really need you’ after any period of silence, they ‘really need to use you’.”
“Not your friend.”
“You’re NTA.”- stitect
“NTA.”
“You should look up ‘grey rocking’ – basically, if she calls and asks if you have plans, say yes.”
“Even if it’s just watching movies on the couch.”
“When she asks what plans, just say ‘plans’.”
“She’s clearly taking advantage of you, because she knows you can’t say no to her.”
“Stop following up with her. Tell her no, and that’s the answer until you hear from her again.”
“You might be surprised to find out she won’t keep messaging you to hang out when you lay down boundaries.”
“Do not keep messaging her about HER plans when it’s inconveniencing you.”- energetic_sadness
“NTA.”
“She is not your friend.”
“Just block her.”- Shichimi88
“NTA but jeez grow a spine.”
“This girl isn’t your friend.”
“You’re the convenient schmo that answered the phone after an extended time of not being in touch.”
“You’re being used.”
“Think I’m lying?”
“Call her randomly and tell her you and some people are coming by to hang out, play cards, and have a party.”
“Get a pen and paper out so you can write down the numerous excuses she’s about to give you.”
“Or other similar scenarios where she would be expected to reciprocate the level of friendship she expects from you.”
“Stop taking her calls.”- Winter_Raisin_591
“I think as soon as you stop providing entertainment for your friend, she’ll stop being in touch and problem solved.”
“I suppose you could be forthright about it. ‘You’ve been using my home as your private venue, and I want that to stop’.”
“‘Let me know if you’d like my company sometime.'”
“NTA.”- WantToBelieveInMagic
The OP later returned with an update, thanking everyone who took the time to comment and sharing how she finally confronted her friend and how she responded:
“Thanks for all of the replies.”
“I finally just told her that I’m feeling used and that my house is not a place that she can throw parties or invite others to come to without my permission.”
“She just responded via several texts that she ‘doesn’t have to use anyone’.”
It seems that the marital strain is truly becoming too much for her to process, possibly even affecting her judgment.
As much as one would like to sympathize with her, taking advantage of the kindness and hospitality of the OP will not solve her problems.
Rather than escape from her problems whenever she has the chance, the OP’s friend will eventually have to start facing her problems if she wants her marriage to survive.