Planning wedding dates can be an arduous chore.
Everyone is striving for the perfect date.
A date where “EVERYONE” can attend.
But in reality… everyone can be impossible to plan.
Redditor Vera_White wanted to discuss her experience and get feedback, so she naturally joined the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for refusing to go to my brother’s wedding to attend the wedding of my S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw] instead?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Hey! I (25 F[emale]) moved to France from my home country of Sweden seven months ago after my husband (27 M[ale]) and I got married.”
“I’ve never really got along with my parents.”
“My dad had a temper growing up and would often shout at me and demean me, and my mum was very emotionally manipulative – constantly finding reasons to argue with me and point out things I’ve done wrong.”
“Even often being critical of my appearance.”
“Meanwhile, my brother (24 M) was treated like the golden child who couldn’t do anything wrong.”
“On the other hand, my husband’s family have always been so kind and welcoming to me, and to be honest they feel like more of my family than my own.”
“Since the move, things have only gotten worse.”
“My mum insists on calling every two days, and we’re often on the phone for like an hour at a time.”
“She’s obviously upset that I chose to leave home, and I do feel guilty for not being able to help around the house like I used to.”
“She’s always insisting we travel to Sweden for any event, and since we moved to France 7 months ago, I’ve already traveled to Sweden 5 times, which is really stressful and expensive.”
“When I do go home, she’s really critical of me and my husband and even his family.”
“So, onto what has happened recently – my sister-in-law announced her engagement and asked me to be a bridesmaid!!”
“I was so so excited.”
“My husband was also asked to be a groomsman.”
“She told us the dates for the wedding – next summer – and we had no plans for then so it was perfect.”
“When my mum called me (video call), I told her because I was excited, but she just went silent and clearly looked upset, so I started speaking with my Dad.”
“Fast forward to recently – I traveled back to Sweden to see my family for Easter.”
“During dinner time, my brother announced his own engagement!”
“I was and am so excited for him.”
“Later on that day we were talking about dates, and he and his fiancée had nothing in mind yet.”
“I said me and my husband would be available whenever the only date that doesn’t work is the weekend of my sister-in-law’s wedding.”
“My mum butted in then and said that it depends on venues and things but that they would try.”
“So, I got a text in our family group chat yesterday from my brother announcing the dates to us.”
“Apparently, they all went to a venue and picked out the date together, and they told me that the dates were the same dates as my sister-in-law’s wedding.”
“Like, same day and everything.”
“I was devastated.”
“I wasn’t thinking straight, and I told them I wouldn’t be coming – that I said the date doesn’t work.”
“My mum then sent a horrible message, saying that it didn’t matter and that I was being selfish, and that my brother’s wedding should be more important to me, and that I had to choose what was more important for me.”
“I told her that if I had to choose, then I choose to go to my sister-in-law’s, and she hasn’t responded.”
“Now I’m really worried I’ve made the wrong decision.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So, I really want to know, AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the a**hole.
“NTA. This was engineered to make you choose.”
“It’s a win-win for them – if you agree to go to your bro’s wedding, you’re demonstrating loyalty to them and a willingness to shirk responsibilities to your husband’s family; if you don’t agree, they get to act insulted and victimized, and rail against you for being so unkind.”
“Don’t fall for it.”
“You made your own scheduling conflict known well in advance of any scheduling they were doing.”
“It was their choice to proceed with that date despite that.”
“THAT ACT showed how little they care about you.”
“If they really wanted it to work for you they would have gone with another date.”
“In hindsight, it would have been an interesting experiment to give them the wrong date to see if they’d target it instead.”
“I wonder what your bro’s stance is in all this.”
“Is he just under the thumb of your parents? Is he too scared to lose his golden boy status to stand up to them?”
“Or is he as mentally screwed up as they are at this point?”
“Is there any point in talking to him directly without your parents’ involvement?”
“Proceed with your plan to celebrate your SIL’s wedding.”
“Send your best wishes to your bro, send a thoughtful gift, go to other pre-wedding events if you can fit it in, and that’s that.”
“I think this is a really important boundary to set.”
“I really hope it doesn’t become a life-long smudge against you, but if it does that’s entirely on them.” ~ owls_and_cardinals
“OP NEEDS to go L[ow] C[ontact] with her abusive family.”
“They will never change.”
“OP NEEDS to stop taking their calls.”
“When your mom leaves messages, just delete them.”
“Don’t even listen to them.”
“Your mother is an emotional manipulator.”
“Don’t let her guilt trip you.”
“Is she going to ask your brother to help clean her house after he’s married?”
“No, she won’t.”
“So stop letting her treat you like a little girl who still lives at home.”
“STOP running every time they call.”
“STOP visiting them.”
“OP you have a NEW Life now, with Your husband.”
“Your parents will NEVER stop the abuse NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO.”
“SO start protecting yourself and your husband and your future children.”
“STOP giving/sharing details of Your life with them.”
“They’ll only use it to hurt you.”
“You keep going back to them because you want them to love you and you want their approval.”
“That won’t happen.”
“You’re just setting yourself up for more heartache.”
“So what if they stop talking to you?”
“That would be a good thing.”
“A very good thing.”
“I hope you take all this to heart because you will be so much happier if you do.”
“I don’t like to recommend counseling, but if you can afford it, please consider it.”
“DON’T let them RUIN your new life. NTA.” ~ Capable_Restaurant11
“NTA, and remember you aren’t their slave, and transport goes both ways.”
“AKA tell your parents if they want to see you they’re welcome to come to France and don’t host them op.”
“Put them at a hotel or Airbnb.” ~ Organic_Start_420
“Exactly OP!”
“You and your husband deserve to live freely and happily, and I just don’t think that can happen with your blood relatives in your life.”
“I know it’s hard and scary, but you have people in your corner.”
“You can do it!!!” ~ MegsyMegsy321
“NTA. It’s time to cut the cord.”
“Don’t allow them to guilt trip or gaslight you into attending your brother’s wedding.”
“You already gave your word to your sister-in-law.”
“It’s time to go temporarily low contact with your family.”
“Don’t let them reign your relationship with your husband and in-laws.” ~ Finest30
“NTA. Honestly, this was the best thing for you because now it will actually give you some space from your toxic family. It sounds like you’d just be a guest at your bro’s wedding, whereas you and your husband are part of the wedding party for SIL, so yeah, you go to the wedding you are a part of.”
“That said be prepared to be accused of ruining your brother’s special day by not being there because your absence will be commented on most likely.”
“Your mom said your bro’s wedding is more important to them, which is true, but it’s also true that his wedding isn’t more important than SIL’s to you.”
“It’s all a matter of perspective, but they intentionally choose this date to mess with you.”
“Personally I’d put my family in time out for a bit and not interact with them at all until the weddings are done.” ~ Crazy4Swayze420
“Take a big step back, read this post, and try to see how they treat you from an outsider’s perspective.”
“The scheduling conflict is made up by them.”
“Have a talk with your brother and ask why they chose the one weekend you couldn’t participate.”
“Hear what he has to say, and say you’re very sorry he chose to exclude you from his wedding.”
“Stop talking to your mom.”
“Even without this wedding silliness you needed a break from your mother, you were letting her run your life.”
“Visiting home every month is insane.”
“Her demanding to talk to you for hours is also insane.”
“If you keep contact with her – STOP telling her things.”
“By telling her things you also give her the power to ruin things.”
“If you must, tell her things after they’ve happened.” ~ Maximum_Law801
“NTA. It sounds like your mom did this on purpose.”
“Your mother is desperately trying to stop you from having a life separate from her.”
“It’s time to be honest and let her know she’s only going to end up pushing you away.”
“Let her know if it’s important for you to be at the wedding, they will choose a new day.” ~ keesouth
“NTA- but you just need to drop the rope with your family.”
“You are never going to get the validation or respect you are looking for, and it’s just a waste of your time and emotional energy.”
“Go and be in your SIL wedding, and don’t give your parents or brother another moment of thought.” ~ ACM915
“NTA. You already told them these dates are not available for you, yet still they choose them.”
“Now they are trying to guilt trip and gaslight you into coming.”
“With what you wrote here, they are a manipulative bunch and only care about themselves.”
“You should consider going NC or LC with them.” ~ salandur
“NTA. You already committed to the other wedding.”
“They knew that was the only date you’d be unable to make work – they did this on purpose to test you, sounds like.” ~ lihzee
OP… EVERYONE is with you.
It’s sad that your family is treating you this way.
You doing what feels right to you is the best way to go.
Reddit may be right, but low to no contact with your family may be best for your stability.
Good Luck.