Planning wedding dates can be an arduous chore.
Everyone is striving for the perfect date.
A date where "EVERYONE" can attend.
But in reality... everyone can be impossible to plan.
Redditor Vera_White wanted to discuss her experience and get feedback, so she naturally joined the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for refusing to go to my brother's wedding to attend the wedding of my S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw] instead?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Hey! I (25 F[emale]) moved to France from my home country of Sweden seven months ago after my husband (27 M[ale]) and I got married."
"I've never really got along with my parents."
"My dad had a temper growing up and would often shout at me and demean me, and my mum was very emotionally manipulative - constantly finding reasons to argue with me and point out things I've done wrong."
"Even often being critical of my appearance."
"Meanwhile, my brother (24 M) was treated like the golden child who couldn't do anything wrong."
"On the other hand, my husband's family have always been so kind and welcoming to me, and to be honest they feel like more of my family than my own."
"Since the move, things have only gotten worse."
"My mum insists on calling every two days, and we're often on the phone for like an hour at a time."
"She's obviously upset that I chose to leave home, and I do feel guilty for not being able to help around the house like I used to."
"She's always insisting we travel to Sweden for any event, and since we moved to France 7 months ago, I've already traveled to Sweden 5 times, which is really stressful and expensive."
"When I do go home, she's really critical of me and my husband and even his family."
"So, onto what has happened recently - my sister-in-law announced her engagement and asked me to be a bridesmaid!!"
"I was so so excited."
"My husband was also asked to be a groomsman."
"She told us the dates for the wedding - next summer - and we had no plans for then so it was perfect."
"When my mum called me (video call), I told her because I was excited, but she just went silent and clearly looked upset, so I started speaking with my Dad."
"Fast forward to recently - I traveled back to Sweden to see my family for Easter."
"During dinner time, my brother announced his own engagement!"
"I was and am so excited for him."
"Later on that day we were talking about dates, and he and his fiancée had nothing in mind yet."
"I said me and my husband would be available whenever the only date that doesn't work is the weekend of my sister-in-law's wedding."
"My mum butted in then and said that it depends on venues and things but that they would try."
"So, I got a text in our family group chat yesterday from my brother announcing the dates to us."
"Apparently, they all went to a venue and picked out the date together, and they told me that the dates were the same dates as my sister-in-law's wedding."
"Like, same day and everything."
"I was devastated."
"I wasn't thinking straight, and I told them I wouldn't be coming - that I said the date doesn't work."
"My mum then sent a horrible message, saying that it didn't matter and that I was being selfish, and that my brother's wedding should be more important to me, and that I had to choose what was more important for me."
"I told her that if I had to choose, then I choose to go to my sister-in-law's, and she hasn't responded."
"Now I'm really worried I've made the wrong decision."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So, I really want to know, AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the a**hole.
"NTA. This was engineered to make you choose."
"It's a win-win for them - if you agree to go to your bro's wedding, you're demonstrating loyalty to them and a willingness to shirk responsibilities to your husband's family; if you don't agree, they get to act insulted and victimized, and rail against you for being so unkind."
"Don't fall for it."
"You made your own scheduling conflict known well in advance of any scheduling they were doing."
"It was their choice to proceed with that date despite that."
"THAT ACT showed how little they care about you."
"If they really wanted it to work for you they would have gone with another date."
"In hindsight, it would have been an interesting experiment to give them the wrong date to see if they'd target it instead."
"I wonder what your bro's stance is in all this."
"Is he just under the thumb of your parents? Is he too scared to lose his golden boy status to stand up to them?"
"Or is he as mentally screwed up as they are at this point?"
"Is there any point in talking to him directly without your parents' involvement?"
"Proceed with your plan to celebrate your SIL's wedding."
"Send your best wishes to your bro, send a thoughtful gift, go to other pre-wedding events if you can fit it in, and that's that."
"I think this is a really important boundary to set."
"I really hope it doesn't become a life-long smudge against you, but if it does that's entirely on them." ~ owls_and_cardinals
"OP NEEDS to go L[ow] C[ontact] with her abusive family."
"They will never change."
"OP NEEDS to stop taking their calls."
"When your mom leaves messages, just delete them."
"Don't even listen to them."
"Your mother is an emotional manipulator."
"Don't let her guilt trip you."
"Is she going to ask your brother to help clean her house after he's married?"
"No, she won't."
"So stop letting her treat you like a little girl who still lives at home."
"STOP running every time they call."
"STOP visiting them."
"OP you have a NEW Life now, with Your husband."
"Your parents will NEVER stop the abuse NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO."
"SO start protecting yourself and your husband and your future children."
"STOP giving/sharing details of Your life with them."
"They'll only use it to hurt you."
"You keep going back to them because you want them to love you and you want their approval."
"That won't happen."
"You're just setting yourself up for more heartache."
"So what if they stop talking to you?"
"That would be a good thing."
"A very good thing."
"I hope you take all this to heart because you will be so much happier if you do."
"I don't like to recommend counseling, but if you can afford it, please consider it."
"DON'T let them RUIN your new life. NTA." ~ Capable_Restaurant11
"NTA, and remember you aren't their slave, and transport goes both ways."
"AKA tell your parents if they want to see you they're welcome to come to France and don't host them op."
"Put them at a hotel or Airbnb." ~ Organic_Start_420
"Exactly OP!"
"You and your husband deserve to live freely and happily, and I just don't think that can happen with your blood relatives in your life."
"I know it's hard and scary, but you have people in your corner."
"You can do it!!!" ~ MegsyMegsy321
"NTA. It's time to cut the cord."
"Don't allow them to guilt trip or gaslight you into attending your brother's wedding."
"You already gave your word to your sister-in-law."
"It's time to go temporarily low contact with your family."
"Don't let them reign your relationship with your husband and in-laws." ~ Finest30
"NTA. Honestly, this was the best thing for you because now it will actually give you some space from your toxic family. It sounds like you'd just be a guest at your bro's wedding, whereas you and your husband are part of the wedding party for SIL, so yeah, you go to the wedding you are a part of."
"That said be prepared to be accused of ruining your brother's special day by not being there because your absence will be commented on most likely."
"Your mom said your bro's wedding is more important to them, which is true, but it's also true that his wedding isn't more important than SIL's to you."
"It's all a matter of perspective, but they intentionally choose this date to mess with you."
"Personally I'd put my family in time out for a bit and not interact with them at all until the weddings are done." ~ Crazy4Swayze420
"Take a big step back, read this post, and try to see how they treat you from an outsider's perspective."
"The scheduling conflict is made up by them."
"Have a talk with your brother and ask why they chose the one weekend you couldn't participate."
"Hear what he has to say, and say you're very sorry he chose to exclude you from his wedding."
"Stop talking to your mom."
"Even without this wedding silliness you needed a break from your mother, you were letting her run your life."
"Visiting home every month is insane."
"Her demanding to talk to you for hours is also insane."
"If you keep contact with her - STOP telling her things."
"By telling her things you also give her the power to ruin things."
"If you must, tell her things after they've happened." ~ Maximum_Law801
"NTA. It sounds like your mom did this on purpose."
"Your mother is desperately trying to stop you from having a life separate from her."
"It's time to be honest and let her know she's only going to end up pushing you away."
"Let her know if it's important for you to be at the wedding, they will choose a new day." ~ keesouth
"NTA- but you just need to drop the rope with your family."
"You are never going to get the validation or respect you are looking for, and it's just a waste of your time and emotional energy."
"Go and be in your SIL wedding, and don't give your parents or brother another moment of thought." ~ ACM915
"NTA. You already told them these dates are not available for you, yet still they choose them."
"Now they are trying to guilt trip and gaslight you into coming."
"With what you wrote here, they are a manipulative bunch and only care about themselves."
"You should consider going NC or LC with them." ~ salandur
"NTA. You already committed to the other wedding."
"They knew that was the only date you'd be unable to make work - they did this on purpose to test you, sounds like." ~ lihzee
OP... EVERYONE is with you.
It's sad that your family is treating you this way.
You doing what feels right to you is the best way to go.
Reddit may be right, but low to no contact with your family may be best for your stability.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp