No two people have the same parenting methods.
While some people can't help but judge how other parents raise their children, they at least have the fortitude to keep their opinions to themselves.
When things become more of an issue is when parents leave their children in the care of others who don't see eye to eye on child care.
Often unable to hide their displeasure when learning what their children were up to in their care.
Redditor No-Amphibian1927 was happy to watch their sister's infant child.
Things became complicated, however, when the baby refused to eat.
Prompting the original poster (OP) to make a judgment call.
A judgment call that utterly infuriated her sister.
Wondering if she stepped out of line, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for breastfeeding my niece?"
The OP explained why she sent her sister into a tizzy while her niece was in her care:
"My sister (25 F[emale]) has a four month old and I (28 F) have a six month old."
"We are very close, and she asked me to watch her baby overnight last night."
"She brought bottles and pumped milk, and informed me she'd never tried giving her a bottle but 'it should be fine' and left."
"A couple hours later, her baby was hungry."
"I prepared a bottle and tried feeding her the bottle, but no matter what I did she wouldn't take it."
"She just kept crying."
"After two hours of trying to feed her a bottle and then trying to spoon feed her and her screaming, and me being unable to reach my sister, I informed my sister of what I would be doing and I breastfed her baby."
"I guess she didn't check her phone for several hours because I ended up feeding her baby twice before my sister responded, and she was furious."
"She said I had no right to do that and I should've figured something else out."
She hasn't spoken to me since picking my niece up."
"So I'm wondering, am I the a**hole here?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community strongly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for breastfeeding her niece.
Everyone agreed that while they understood why the OP's sister might have felt uncomfortable with her decision, the OP was at least thinking in the best interest of the child, unlike her sister, who should not have left her baby overnight with someone else having never taken a bottle, nor should she have been unreachable by phone:
"NTA why was she unreachable over the phone when she has a 4 month old."
"What if something serious came up and you went to the hospital with her child."
"Anyway."
"Figuring it out was her job."
"You do not give your baby to someone without making sure she even takes a bottle."
"This needs to be trained."- lilithskitchen
"NTA."
"But your sister should NEVER have left the child with you without making sure the baby would take the pumped milk from a bottle."
"PERIOD."
"And what mother doesn't take phone calls from the person taking care of their baby."- celticmusebooks
"NTA."
"What was the alternative?"
"You couldn't reach your sister and the baby wasn't feeding from the bottle."
"If it was this important to your sister she should have gotten the baby used to the bottle beforehand."
"If she didn't have the time, or didn't think of that, she can't blame you for prioritizing making sure her baby was fed when all else failed."
"Surely that's the priority, even over what your sister ideally prefers (and she wasn't available to ask anyway)."
"The baby was in need of food, and was in your care."- kurokomainu
"NTA."
"I certainly think breastfeeding your niece has a weird ring to it, but wet nurses are a very long standing human tradition."
"When it comes down to it, your sister wasn't available to decide whether she wanted to leave her event and come feed the baby herself, and you can't let a baby go an entire night without eating."
"Look, maybe a doctor will say you could, but I certainly wouldn't risk it if I had an option."
"You solved a problem with a less-than-perfect but still absolutely worthwhile solution."
"Your sister is the A-hole."
"If you're not checking in on your baby while your out, the appointed guardian makes decisions."
"She's also an A-hole for expecting her baby to take a bottle from anyone else without some training on the matter."
"She did everything wrong here and has no place to complain."- rockology_adam
"'she'd never tried giving her a bottle but "it should be fine"'."
"'After two hours of trying to feed her a bottle and then trying to spoon feed her and her screaming, and me being unable to reach my sister..I breastfed her baby'."
"'she didn't check her phone for several hours'."
"Your sister is TA for her negligence, lack of preparation, and not having her phone on in case of a baby emergency..which there was."
"What parent completely walks away from their phone when they've left their toddler for a few hours."
"Her irresponsibility is staggering."
"You did everything+ you could before you resorted to breast-feeding her child."
"It literally was your last resort, after trying for hours to feed her with the bottle, and then even a simple spoon."
"Your sister's baby was hungry, extremely upset, and you had no other alternative."
"In your care, the child came first."
"Your sister could learn a lesson or two in mothering from you."
"NTA."- EmploymentLanky9544
"You don't ask someone to babysit your four month old baby and then become unreachable for literal hours."
"You did your best, NTA."- Prior-Government5397
"Man, upon reading the title, I was very weirded out, but honestly, NTA."
"You tried to give her a bottle."
"She wouldn't take it."
"A lot of babies won't if they are exclusively nursed."
"Mine only did if I wasn't in the room."
"The fact that you tried for TWO HOURS and during that time you tried texting and calling, I don't know what else you could have done other than letting her scream."
"I feel like I would have understood at that point."
"I could understand a little frustration, or feeling strange about it, but trying to look at it objectively, I can't think of anything else you could have done, and at least you fed her child."- JGalKnit
"NTA."
"She clearly stated she'd never tried the bottle."
"That poor baby had no idea what that bottle was."
"Besides, you're the baby's aunt, not some stranger off the street."
"If my sister had breast fed my baby because she wouldn't take a bottle, I'd be thankful that my sister could do it and was willing to do it rather than let my baby go hungry."
"Your sister is TA though because who leaves a breast fed baby that's never taken a bottle over night?"
"That's bad parenting."
"She really needs to work on getting her baby to take a bottle if she wants to spend long amounts of time away."
"I'm not saying she's a bad parent, just that she needs to do better and not place the blame on you when in the end it's her responsibility to make sure her child is prepared to be without her for an over night stay."- Ok-Literature-3026
"Something ELSE?"
"Like what?"
"What 'else' IS there after you've already tried everything?"
"Unless you count the one thing you admittedly completely failed and neglected to consider:"
"Letting the infant scream."
"And starve."
"NTA."
"And your sister needs a major reality check if she plans on retaining her rights to continue being a parent."- Slaator
"NTA I breastfed two children and I would never, ever, never have been unreachable by phone."
"Everyone needs a break once in a while, but when you have an infant dependent on you, you just don't get to go off and be totally unreachable."- 17Girl4Life
"Babies can smell breast milk."
"I worked with moms and newborns."
"My coworker handled all the formula babies until my child was weaned because the babies would root all over me and cry."
"I could never get one to take a bottle."
"NTA."
"Letting the baby go hungry would've been a bad choice."
"T A H is your sister for not answering or checking her phone."
"What if this had been a medical emergency?"- Recent_Data_305
"NTA."
"A fed baby should be prioritized over hurt feelings."
"IMHO the sister is being selfish and not prioritizing her baby."
"It sounds like you tried to do everything she could to reach her sister and this was the only other option other than letting the baby starve."
"I cannot imagine being unreachable for hours when leaving my baby in someone else's care."
"Your sister is an a**hole for being unreachable."- Psychological-Work85
There are some legitimate health and safety concerns that all mothers are entitled to regarding another woman breastfeeding their child.
However, seeing as her daughter still wasn't taking a bottle, one can't help but wonder how the OP's sister could have possibly felt comfortable leaving their child for an overnight visit.
Particularly with a woman who also needed to care for her own six-month-old baby.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp