It's important for future parents to discuss how they will divide up the responsibilities of work, home, and parenting before their child is born, especially if their prior experience with children is imbalanced.
Otherwise, one parent will take on much more of the parenting responsibilities and hardly ever get a break, cautioned the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Ok-Professional-6632 had been needing a massage since the early days of raising her baby, and after her husband returned from a four-day work trip where she cared for their baby alone, she thought it was time for a sesion.
But when her husband could not figure out how to calm their baby on his own, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked when her husband guilted and shamed her for not quitting her session to take over caring for their baby.
She asked the sub:
"Am I the a**hole for not stopping my home massage to help my husband soothe our baby?"
The OP was finally going to get some much-needed me time.
"Last week, my husband was away for a work trip, and I had to mostly take care of our baby alone."
"I have wanted to get a massage for weeks, and now that he is back, we decided that I should get a home service massage while he takes care of the baby for one and a half hours."
The massage didn't go as planned, though.
"Unfortunately, while I was having the massage in our bedroom, the baby kept crying and started throwing a tantrum, refusing to nap."
"For the duration of the massage, my husband kept sending passive-aggressive messages, insinuating that I should stop and help him."
"Knowing that I needed the break, I continued the session."
The OP's husband shamed her for not ditching her massage.
"My husband blamed me for not stopping the massage afterwards, saying that I abandoned him."
"Was I wrong to continue the massage? I did not think a crying baby constituted an emergency and thought that if I had stopped, it would mean my need for rest is less important."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that her husband should be more than capable of equally caring for their child.
"Her husband needs to step the f**k up. He is a dad now and needs to act like it. Right now, he’s just making more stress and work for her. I wish people had to pass a test before having kids… kind of kidding/sarcastic but kind of serious." - lizab***h21
"He got four days. She didn't even get 90 minutes. God, he sucks." - Technical-Habit-5114
"He was away for four days while she managed alone. She planned this break specifically for when he returned."
"Passive-aggressive texts during her 90-minute massage after she solo-parented for four days. What the h**l, dude, are you okay?!"
"The bar for interrupting a planned break should be an actual emergency, not a fussy nap, especially when the other parent is right there."
"OP, NTA, but your husband..." - Rick_McPherson
"NTA. A grown a** man can't parent his own kid for 90 minutes."
"What gets me is that he gave up so easily. It feels like he doesn't spend much time with the baby."
"As a parent, he really should have just grabbed this chance to bond instead of putting the burden and blame on the OP." - IceSeeker
"I always have my watch on when we go out, so if there’s an emergency for whatever reason (doesn’t matter if it’s my husband or someone else who has my son), they can contact me."
"Typically, though, my husband doesn’t need me to tell him how to take care of our son. I’ll give him reminders of certain things if it’s been a while, since he’s done certain things in my son's day routine, or if things have changed, or whatever, while he’s by himself with him (I’m SAH husband works full time), but otherwise there’s never any issues."
"Granted, my son is almost three now, but even when my son was a baby, my husband would let me go take naps, and he’d take care of him by himself."
"PLUS, her husband being alone without mom is how he learns how to take care of the baby. Mom learned how to soothe their baby, so he can, too." - lo---
Others knew exactly why the OP's husband agreed to an at-home massage.
"NTA. He's a dad. The baby cries. You don't get a break, and you took your break. It's that simple."
"Buuuuut, that's probably why he was okay with the massage being at home. He figured he could interrupt you at any point."
"He also sounds like the type of person who refers to actually taking care of his kid and parenting as 'babysitting.'"
"I can’t imagine trying to relax and enjoy a massage while hearing a crying baby, especially if it was your own."
"The audacity of this man to hammer you with messages, too. I would have shut my phone off. Why did you have her phone during the massage? You need a re-do." - MartinisnMurder
"At first, I was wondering why an in-home massage instead of going somewhere for a massage… and then it all made sense by the end."
"This guy can’t take care of his own infant, pathetic. No wonder she needed a massage! She probably can’t even go to the gas station without the baby." - panicnarwhal
"If she had gone to a spa, she wouldn't have her phone, and she shouldn't have even brought it into the room with her. Just reading the texts detracts from the purpose of the massage." - Fun-Opportunity2226
"It’s not necessary, if they were in the same house and there was a true emergency, he could have easily come and gotten her. She should’ve turned her phone off the moment he sent the first passive-aggressive text." - snarkshark41191
"If there was truly an emergency that BOTH parents aren’t prepared to handle (which would be effed up if mom did baby CPR and dad didn’t), there's zero reason to have the phone there when he could have just walked in. If I were mom, I would have it in earplugs and told the massage therapist to tap me for a response and worked out a hand code to avoid the shenanigans."
"NTA. Child’s father needs to take some parenting classes and stop being a burden to mom and child alike." - TitanAME
After receiving feedback, the OP shared how her husband continued to push the issue.
"He says he could not fathom how I could stay in the room and continue the massage when I could hear the baby crying uncontrollably."
"It makes me feel selfish for doing so, and so is him saying that it was my way of punishing him for leaving for the work trip."
"I am honestly quite hurt, and I do not know how to respond anymore."
"I posted here because I was starting to question myself, as well, negotiating in my head about my need for rest and whether it is worth it if I am made to feel this guilty afterwards."
Fellow Redditors had a few choice words for the OP's husband.
"OP, tell him, 'I had four days of parenting without your help. Babies cry and refuse to be soothed sometimes. It sucks, but as the other parent, it's YOUR job to have to deal with it as well, even when they won't calm down. You seriously think it was okay to BOTHER ME during my ONE moment of time to myself? (Please double down here and say) I DON'T FEEL ONE BIT OF GUILT WHEN MY BABY HAS A WHOLE A** OTHER PARENT." - StraightJacketRacket
"This is his child, too. Not just yours. Soothing the baby is his job, too. He only had to care for the baby alone for 90 minutes!"
"Does he ever take care of his own child? He's the one being selfish here."
"He's a FATHER now. Time to step up, including for tears and tantrums. On his own, as a Dad, not like a sulky teenager who doesn't want to 'babysit.'" - Inevitable_Pie95411
"He’s guilt-tripping you for being a worthless father. He should have had it and not needed help with his own child."
"I’m a great-aunt, and my nephews do so much better with their kids than your husband does. One is with them 24 hours or more when mom is a working nurse. He’s a firefighter, and they learned to do shifts BY THEMSELVES for several days due to their jobs."
"If your husband can’t watch the baby for 90 minutes, he's useless." - Jubilee_winter
"As a man, I'm disgusted."
"Your man is completely failing his duties as a husband and parent; you are completely in the right here. You need to have serious discussions about this and not let him bullshit, gaslight, and manipulate you about what should be considered basic sharing of responsibilities as an adult and parent in a family."
"If he doesn't change his ways, you should seriously consider separating for the short and maybe long term if change on his part isn't happening." - Tyrgalon
"Wow, what a d**k! What the f**k. You knew the baby was with its father, so it’s not like you abandoned the baby."
"Guess you didn’t know he was a worthless parent who can’t even take care of HIS OWN KID for an hour and a half. You did nothing wrong, and he f**king sucks and sounds worthless."
"Ask how he is gonna handle the baby alone when you guys divorce and it's dad visitation time because of how he’s treating you?" - badlilbishhhh
"He’s acting like a victim who’s training you via guilt to help him with the baby when HEEEEE wants you to help. Eff that crap. Don’t let him manipulate you."
"Please, book another pampering appointment for yourself for the near future, away from home so he can’t reach you."
"I’m sorry, you don’t deserve that lousy treatment. NTA." - Psychological_Name28
Parenting can be tough, especially for someone who hasn't been around babies or children much before, but it's important for each parent to figure out their own parenting "language" and behaviors.
That can't be discovered through constantly texting and bombarding another parent.
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