It's important for future parents to discuss how they will divide up the responsibilities of work, home, and parenting before their child is born, especially if their prior experience with children is imbalanced.
Otherwise, one parent will take on much more of the parenting responsibilities and hardly ever get a break, cautioned the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Ok-Professional-6632 had been needing a massage since the early days of raising her baby, and after her husband returned from a four-day work trip where she cared for their baby alone, she thought it was time for a sesion.
But when her husband could not figure out how to calm their baby on his own, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked when her husband guilted and shamed her for not quitting her session to take over caring for their baby.
She asked the sub:
"Am I the a**hole for not stopping my home massage to help my husband soothe our baby?"
The OP was finally going to get some much-needed me time.
"Last week, my husband was away for a work trip, and I had to mostly take care of our baby alone."
"I have wanted to get a massage for weeks, and now that he is back, we decided that I should get a home service massage while he takes care of the baby for one and a half hours."
The massage didn't go as planned, though.
"Unfortunately, while I was having the massage in our bedroom, the baby kept crying and started throwing a tantrum, refusing to nap."
"For the duration of the massage, my husband kept sending passive-aggressive messages, insinuating that I should stop and help him."
"Knowing that I needed the break, I continued the session."
The OP's husband shamed her for not ditching her massage.
"My husband blamed me for not stopping the massage afterwards, saying that I abandoned him."
"Was I wrong to continue the massage? I did not think a crying baby constituted an emergency and thought that if I had stopped, it would mean my need for rest is less important."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that her husband should be more than capable of equally caring for their child.
"Her husband needs to step the f**k up. He is a dad now and needs to act like it. Right now, he’s just making more stress and work for her. I wish people had to pass a test before having kids… kind of kidding/sarcastic but kind of serious." - lizab***h21
"He got four days. She didn't even get 90 minutes. God, he sucks." - Technical-Habit-5114
"He was away for four days while she managed alone. She planned this break specifically for when he returned."
"Passive-aggressive texts during her 90-minute massage after she solo-parented for four days. What the h**l, dude, are you okay?!"
"The bar for interrupting a planned break should be an actual emergency, not a fussy nap, especially when the other parent is right there."
"OP, NTA, but your husband..." - Rick_McPherson
"NTA. A grown a** man can't parent his own kid for 90 minutes."
"What gets me is that he gave up so easily. It feels like he doesn't spend much time with the baby."
"As a parent, he really should have just grabbed this chance to bond instead of putting the burden and blame on the OP." - IceSeeker
"I always have my watch on when we go out, so if there’s an emergency for whatever reason (doesn’t matter if it’s my husband or someone else who has my son), they can contact me."
"Typically, though, my husband doesn’t need me to tell him how to take care of our son. I’ll give him reminders of certain things if it’s been a while, since he’s done certain things in my son's day routine, or if things have changed, or whatever, while he’s by himself with him (I’m SAH husband works full time), but otherwise there’s never any issues."
"Granted, my son is almost three now, but even when my son was a baby, my husband would let me go take naps, and he’d take care of him by himself."
"PLUS, her husband being alone without mom is how he learns how to take care of the baby. Mom learned how to soothe their baby, so he can, too." - lo---
Others knew exactly why the OP's husband agreed to an at-home massage.
"NTA. He's a dad. The baby cries. You don't get a break, and you took your break. It's that simple."
"Buuuuut, that's probably why he was okay with the massage being at home. He figured he could interrupt you at any point."
"He also sounds like the type of person who refers to actually taking care of his kid and parenting as 'babysitting.'"
"I can’t imagine trying to relax and enjoy a massage while hearing a crying baby, especially if it was your own."
"The audacity of this man to hammer you with messages, too. I would have shut my phone off. Why did you have her phone during the massage? You need a re-do." - MartinisnMurder
"At first, I was wondering why an in-home massage instead of going somewhere for a massage… and then it all made sense by the end."
"This guy can’t take care of his own infant, pathetic. No wonder she needed a massage! She probably can’t even go to the gas station without the baby." - panicnarwhal
"If she had gone to a spa, she wouldn't have her phone, and she shouldn't have even brought it into the room with her. Just reading the texts detracts from the purpose of the massage." - Fun-Opportunity2226
"It’s not necessary, if they were in the same house and there was a true emergency, he could have easily come and gotten her. She should’ve turned her phone off the moment he sent the first passive-aggressive text." - snarkshark41191
"If there was truly an emergency that BOTH parents aren’t prepared to handle (which would be effed up if mom did baby CPR and dad didn’t), there's zero reason to have the phone there when he could have just walked in. If I were mom, I would have it in earplugs and told the massage therapist to tap me for a response and worked out a hand code to avoid the shenanigans."
"NTA. Child’s father needs to take some parenting classes and stop being a burden to mom and child alike." - TitanAME
After receiving feedback, the OP shared how her husband continued to push the issue.
"He says he could not fathom how I could stay in the room and continue the massage when I could hear the baby crying uncontrollably."
"It makes me feel selfish for doing so, and so is him saying that it was my way of punishing him for leaving for the work trip."
"I am honestly quite hurt, and I do not know how to respond anymore."
"I posted here because I was starting to question myself, as well, negotiating in my head about my need for rest and whether it is worth it if I am made to feel this guilty afterwards."
Fellow Redditors had a few choice words for the OP's husband.
"OP, tell him, 'I had four days of parenting without your help. Babies cry and refuse to be soothed sometimes. It sucks, but as the other parent, it's YOUR job to have to deal with it as well, even when they won't calm down. You seriously think it was okay to BOTHER ME during my ONE moment of time to myself? (Please double down here and say) I DON'T FEEL ONE BIT OF GUILT WHEN MY BABY HAS A WHOLE A** OTHER PARENT." - StraightJacketRacket
"This is his child, too. Not just yours. Soothing the baby is his job, too. He only had to care for the baby alone for 90 minutes!"
"Does he ever take care of his own child? He's the one being selfish here."
"He's a FATHER now. Time to step up, including for tears and tantrums. On his own, as a Dad, not like a sulky teenager who doesn't want to 'babysit.'" - Inevitable_Pie95411
"He’s guilt-tripping you for being a worthless father. He should have had it and not needed help with his own child."
"I’m a great-aunt, and my nephews do so much better with their kids than your husband does. One is with them 24 hours or more when mom is a working nurse. He’s a firefighter, and they learned to do shifts BY THEMSELVES for several days due to their jobs."
"If your husband can’t watch the baby for 90 minutes, he's useless." - Jubilee_winter
"As a man, I'm disgusted."
"Your man is completely failing his duties as a husband and parent; you are completely in the right here. You need to have serious discussions about this and not let him bullshit, gaslight, and manipulate you about what should be considered basic sharing of responsibilities as an adult and parent in a family."
"If he doesn't change his ways, you should seriously consider separating for the short and maybe long term if change on his part isn't happening." - Tyrgalon
"Wow, what a d**k! What the f**k. You knew the baby was with its father, so it’s not like you abandoned the baby."
"Guess you didn’t know he was a worthless parent who can’t even take care of HIS OWN KID for an hour and a half. You did nothing wrong, and he f**king sucks and sounds worthless."
"Ask how he is gonna handle the baby alone when you guys divorce and it's dad visitation time because of how he’s treating you?" - badlilbishhhh
"He’s acting like a victim who’s training you via guilt to help him with the baby when HEEEEE wants you to help. Eff that crap. Don’t let him manipulate you."
"Please, book another pampering appointment for yourself for the near future, away from home so he can’t reach you."
"I’m sorry, you don’t deserve that lousy treatment. NTA." - Psychological_Name28
Parenting can be tough, especially for someone who hasn't been around babies or children much before, but it's important for each parent to figure out their own parenting "language" and behaviors.
That can't be discovered through constantly texting and bombarding another parent.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp