For all the joy that comes with bringing a newborn baby home, the occasion also comes hand-in-hand with a fair amount of anxiety.
Specifically owing to the fact that babies are very easily susceptible to illness.
Indeed, with this in mind, some parents are particularly cautious and protective of their children during these early days.
Even going so far as to prevent certain people from holding or even touching their babies.
The mother of Redditor owni_powni recently paid a visit to see her grandson.
Unfortunately, not long after this visit, the original poster (OP)'s baby got worrisomely sick.
Convinced he caught it from her mother, the OP sent a lengthy text to her mother, only to discover her father deleted the message before she had a chance to read it.
Furious at her father for doing this, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole Here (AITAH).
While similar to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Nor are voting acronyms required or a final judgment declared.
The OP asked fellow Redditors:
"AITAH? My mum made my child sick and my dad demanded my silence."
The OP explained why she found herself at odds with both her parents:
'My mother and father went to Egypt this past week, and the day after they came home my mum wanted to see my 8 week old son.'
"I had already discussed with my partner that I wasn't comfortable her holding him as Egypt is notoriously dirty (like you can't drink the water) so he nudged me when I had my back to her and she was leaning over the bouncer."
"I immediately went over as he started to cry and she tried to put his dummy back in."
"She had washed her hands (a request I have maintained since his birth) and went to play with his feet."
"I tried not to let it affect me too much as she had washed her hands and took him out to feed him."
"We went and sat on the couch and she began to tell me about her holiday - during which she dropped, 'oh did I tell you we got diarrhoea in our trip?'"
"My stomach dropped but I asked her about it."
"She told me it was the water, she had got tablets and was fine."
"Immediately after I was done feeding him she asked to hold him."
"I said no and she was visibly affronted and begins to defend that she's not sick."
"I tell her I'm just not comfortable with it but if she's still fine on Sunday she can hold him at Sunday lunch.'
"She then goes on and on about how am I going to protect him over Christmas (we're traveling to see my partners family) and I can't protect him forever, it's good for him to get sick etc."
"I'm so used to this spiel from almost everyone in mine and my partners family that I just nod blithely and say 'oh yes it is going to be difficult. As no one likes to hear the word "no".'"
"She completely agrees, missing the point that was directed at her."
"She made me feel like I was being pedantic rather than a concerned parent (with a superflu on the loose…)."
"The following day (yesterday) my baby comes down with diarrhea."
"I am up til 4am with his gas and dirty diapers."
"I texted my mum telling her how disappointed and upset I am and that I need her to respect my boundaries as a parent."
"I tell her I felt her want for seeing my son went above his need to be protected from illness."
"I also end with I'm not trying to upset you I'm just telling you this so we can move forward."
'This morning my dad texts me."
"He deleted the message off my mums phone and tells me to think before I write."
"Little does he know I spent an hour drafting the message trying to be firm but polite to maintain good relations."
"I am infuriated by this and in an outburst tell him I will speak to them both at 1pm."
"He replies with 'don't bother calling' - so naturally I call him and my mother twice each."
"They don't answer."
"I then tell him we can either call civilly or I will send her the message again."
"He then says it was a week since she had been ill (untrue) and demanded I 'show some respect' to which I respond 'respect doesn't mean silence'."
"I told him how he cannot mediate a conversation by excluding one voice and that he was totally undermining my role as a parent and he was damaging our relationship by refusing to take remedial action and acknowledge my boundaries."
"He hasn't responded."
"My son is still extremely windy and uncomfortable but his diarrhea has almost stopped."
"He's my first child and I feel like I let him down and didn't protect him when I could have."
"I think it's extremely unlikely he got it from anyone else."
"We haven't seen anyone else at all that week and always wash our hands after being to the supermarket."
"I don't want there to be bad feelings but it doesn't feel like it's my responsibility to fix this anymore."
"What do you think?"
"AITAH for getting angry and blaming her?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in, with some using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many felt that the OP's anger was more than justified, as she was clearly concerned about her son, and her parents should have respected that, even if some felt she could have handled things a bit more diplomatically:
"NTA!"
"Your son is your priority, and your parents thinking they know best and refusing to accept their wrongdoings just shows they don't care about your child's health and are more focused on pretending they did nothing wrong."
"Have they done things like this before?"- Foultemptationz
'I mean, either your mother made your child ill, or it's just a huge coincidence, either way, as a parent, if you tell someone not to touch/hold your son, that should be enough, that's your baby, you shouldn't need to justify that to anyone.'
'Also, your parents are grown adults, they should be able to act as such and actually have a conversation. You set a boundary with your child, and they're not respecting it, they both need to be part of the conversation, not just your father."- spookyd0nuts
"Are you sure that his diarrhea hasn't stopped due to dehydration?"
"Little babies can get gravely ill if their electrolyte balance is off, too."
"Please take your child to your doctor, or at least call them."
"Is he acting in a robust way, or is he listless?"
"Did your parents learn nothing from the pandemic?"
"You hold the winning card, OP."
"They deserve a long, long time out due to their careless and disrespectful behavior."
"NTA."- Swedishpunsch
"NTAH."
"Your mom is obviously used to getting whatever the hell she wants by steamrolling people into submission, and your dad is clearly co-dependant and perpetuates it even when it hurts others."
"I would honestly distance myself from them for a while."
"No consequences, no lesson learned."
"I'm a huge believer that you don't reward bad behavior."
"Overlooking it or caving to pressure from bullies just teaches them that bullying is how you get what you want."
"You have to remove the reward and initiate a consequence to extinguish maladaptive behavior."
"Not being able to see her grandbaby or get together with you for a few months should do the trick."-Banana_Ham_mock
"We have viruses now that didn't exist when you were a baby."
"They need to respect your wishes with a baby so young he has no immune system."-Superb_Ad_4464
"NTA."
"Your parents suck."- GooseAntique8307
There were some, however, who had trouble sympathizing with the OP, finding it unlikely that her mother got her baby sick, and feeling no one was being especially mature in this situation:
"If she got diarrhea from the water wouldn't your kid need to be exposed to the water to get what she had?"
"If she needed tablets to get better, then wouldn't your kid need that same treatment?"- Grimalkinnn
"Newborn 8-week-old babies don't get diarrhea, that's their only type of poop."
"Unless you are saying his poop had blood in it?"
"That would be the only difference between normal newborn poop and what you call diarrhea."
"And if that's the case, your pediatrician would send you to the ER with the symptoms."
"Even a flu or cold, they would have you go to the ER with a newborn."
"I know it's not popular, but as a mom of many, I would wonder if you are assigning normal poop as diarrhea and overreacting."
"If you truly believe your new baby has a virus or if it has a fever, you need to go to ER."-I_wet_my_plants
It's unclear, maybe even unlikely, that the OP's baby caught diarrhea from her mother.
Even so, the OP's father hiding her message from her mother and then ignoring her calls, will not improve any of the problems they are going through right now.
In order for everyone to reach an understanding, they will need to start communicating.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp