When a person starts to date someone new, it’s fair for them to be curious about their partner’s life before them, including their dating history.
If their partner starts acting cagey right away about their experiences and who they’ve dated, that’s potentially a serious red flag, cautioned the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Shortly after he started dating her, Redditor throwaway__7678 noticed that his new girlfriend was very close to her male best friend. He was naturally curious if they had a romantic history or simply deep camaraderie.
The Original Poster (OP) was shocked when she said her dating history was none of his business and became hostile toward him, so much so that he ended things with her before they really began.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for breaking up with my new girlfriend because she said her past is none of my business?”
The OP’s latest relationship was short-lived.
“I recently got together with my now ex-girlfriend.”
“Things were going good during the dating stage. She introduced me to some of her friends, including a male friend of hers.”
“She had other male friends, but this one in particular made me feel uncomfortable with how he acted with my new girlfriend.”
“So, I asked my girlfriend if there was any history between them.”
The OP’s then-girlfriend’s reaction surprised him.
“My girlfriend then said, ‘That is none of your business. My past is none of your business.'”
“Honestly, I’ve been in this situation before. Another ex-girlfriend I had tried this bulls**t on me, hid her real feelings about a ‘male friend,’ and cheated on me… a lot.”
“So I told her we were done right there and then.”
The OP set the boundary, even though it was hard.
“I don’t think she expected me to actually break up with her then. She followed me to my car and said we could talk about this.”
“I told her no. I said that if she was going to be like that, it’s better if we aren’t together.”
“I’ll be honest, I kind of forced myself to act like I didn’t care, and like I could walk away like nothing happened, and like I’m not hurting because I’m the one who broke up with her. But I’m hurt.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out that the ex-girlfriend had the opportunity to “talk about” and was hostile instead.
“Her non-answer was your answer. And it was an aggressive non-answer at that. You were right to see the red flag for what it was and dip. NTA.” – cthulularooroo
“The only people who say, ‘My past isn’t your business’ or ‘You can’t get upset with me about my past,’ are people who know they’ve done wrong in their past or feel guilty about their past. NTA.” – NukaBeanz
“NTA. Her standards seem to have left her with a rather ‘standard-less past.’ It’s only an issue for her because she’s talking to a guy who HAS standards.”
“In time, the truth always surfaces.” – FlorinidOreo
“NTA. Obviously, something didn’t sit right with this guy, so there was… something.”
“Rather than discuss it, she got defensive rather than addressing your real concern. So, you handled it.”
“Frankly, people like this tend to have entirely too much drama surrounding them in my eyes. I’d have split, too.” – Heavy-Qual-7295
“NTA. On one hand, a person’s past is their own business, and they aren’t under any obligation to report it to someone they are currently dating.”
“That said, OP asked the girlfriend if there was a history between her and one of her friends. This isn’t past tense; the friend is here in the present. OP got suspicious and asked.”
“In this case, yes, she should have come clean and told him, in general, with no details needed, that yes, there was a past, but it’s in the past, or no, they’ve just always been close.”
“Instead, she got snippy with him. I think OP did the right thing by breaking it off with her.” – FloMoJoeBo
“If someone you have a past with is still active in your life, you owe it to your partner to be the one to tell them about that history.”
“If it is someone you are unlikely to encounter, then as soon as possible, you should give your partner relevant information regarding this person if/when you do encounter this past relationship.”
“That could be before you and your partner approach the ex, or they approach you. It might have to wait if this is a sudden, expected encounter.” – slitherreal1
“NTA. Her response was PACKED with red flags. That was not a normal way to respond to your (very reasonable) question.”
“I’m glad you listened to your gut. If there really was no history between them, then she’s just playing games. No need to invite that drama into your life.” – Pippet_4
“So many people have this individualistic mindset and wonder why they end up divorced. NTA if you date someone, it’s for the purpose of marriage or at least a domestic partnership. That is the operative word, ‘partnership.'”
“People like to act like the past doesn’t matter, but it does. If you commit to someone, you aren’t just getting them as they are. You are committing to the person they used to be, as well. Sins of the past come back to haunt everyone, not just the individual.” – TherealRedParadox
Others agreed and reassured the OP that he was right to walk away when he did.
“‘We can talk about this,’ ike you just did?? Or at least tried to?? And she responded by shutting you down??”
“You did the right thing. The fear (or action) of breaking up shouldn’t be the motivator to communicate. But it was to her. That’s a red flag.”
“NTA.” – GinLynn97
“NTA. Someone still in her life isn’t in the past, and her reaction tells you all you need to know.” – archercc81
“NTA. This was very well handled by you.”
“There is nothing wrong with asking whether your new girlfriend has a past with a particular guy. Especially if you pick up a vibe that makes you uncomfortable.”
“The fact that she responded that way means there was a history that she didn’t want to reveal.”
“I really don’t understand the fact that it seems like today women keep their exes so close. It’s a big red flag to me if women or men do it.”
“Her response and attitude about the question was a huge red flag, and you knew how that was gonna work out in the long run, so she f**ked around and found out.”
“I am sorry that you are hurt by this, though. It can be tough, but self-respect is worth more in the long run.” – Vyckerz
“NTA. Personally, I don’t care to know the details of someone’s past and their body count. However, what I do care to know is if they’re friends with someone they used to date or sleep with because I just want to be prepared and know that info ahead of time.”
“I don’t need details, I just want to be made aware. I’d be p**sed if I started dating a guy and I found of one of his regular friends was someone he used to hook up with or date; that exclusion of information would make me uncomfortable.” – bus_and_vod
“NTA.”
“It would have been a simple yes or no question for her to answer. All I see from here is that you listened to your gut and removed yourself from an obvious situation.” – the_greek_italian
“My guy, you have got some balls, and I love that. You did the right thing. Her response was all you needed to know that your gut was right. She is toxic as h**l, and you did great getting out of that.”
“If the roles were reversed, you know she would have a fit, wanting to know all of your personal details. Keep your head up, king. NTA.” – lifesaverr
“You saw the storm clouds coming and wisely decided to go someplace dry before the downpour started.”
“Trust your instincts; we have them for a reason. If that dude was acting that suspicious with your girl, and she got all nasty and defensive when you asked about their history, then you already know what the answer is.”
“You were 100% right to handle it the way did, and the proof of that was her following you to the car and doing a 180 with her attitude. You didn’t dodge a bullet. You dodged a missile. NTA.” – LincolnHawkHauling
The subReddit could completely understand why the OP felt so concerned about his ex-girlfriend’s behavior with her friend and her reaction to his inquiry, and they applauded him for quickly switching her from a girlfriend to an ex.
It’s perfectly okay for a person to have dated before, and even to have dated someone from their friend circle, but the minute they become secretive about their relationships and what they truly mean to them, it becomes almost impossible to trust them and their commitment to the relationship.