Every person has the right to choose who they want and don't want at their wedding.
It's a special day, and some people may stir up unwanted drama.
However, singling out people to be left off the invite list may come with consequences.
Redditor PearlWeddingIssue wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for 'Holding my Grandmother's Pearls Hostage' if my partner can't go to my sister's wedding?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (37 F[emale]) have been seeing my partner (38 M[ale]) for four years."
"He was born with Achondroplasia and is a Little person."
"I come from a family that holds some ableist views, some views I internalized too when I was younger, and I tried to move past as I got older."
"I am the first to say I wasn't perfect either."
"When I met my partner, we started as friends, and my family would often make comments when he wasn't around."
"When we started to date, jokes were made about how I must be desperate and had 'given up.'"
"My partner is a fantastic man, the best I've ever met."
"He's funny, charming, kind, and so loving."
"I often tell people it's no different than a short girl dating a six-foot-tall guy, so who cares."
"My family and I clashed for two years over him."
"I fought with them constantly and ended up greatly limiting contact with most of my family if they couldn't accept him."
"He always tried to talk me out of this, that he could take it, and they were just close-minded idiots, but I don't think he should have to put up with that."
"The one I've kept in constant contact with is my sister (35 F), she also had misgivings about my partner, but once she got to know him, she moved past it."
"She is getting married in June, and the plan was for me to loan her our grandmother's pearl necklace as she felt it would really go well with her dress."
"It was left to me; she got our grandmother's sapphire ring."
"She messaged me two nights ago to ask me if I'd not bring my partner to her wedding."
"She likes him, but she knows it'll cause drama at her wedding, and she doesn't want that tainting her day."
"I got upset at this and told her if he wasn't going, I wasn't either, as he is my family."
"She asked me to just 'suck it up' for the day, and it was better to keep the peace."
"I lost my temper at this and made it clear to her she could invite us both, or neither."
"I also made it clear she wasn't getting the pearls if he wasn't coming."
"That she was a grown woman and she needed to stop caving into our family and put her foot down for her own views."
"She accused me of holding the pearls hostage so I could get what I wanted, which hurt me, as it seems she cares more about the pearls being there than me, with that comment. "
"I know it's her day and she doesn't want our family making comments, but I don't see why my partner, who has never been anything but kind to her, should be the one to suffer."
"He is upset over this, though telling me I might regret not going, and he doesn't want that for me."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA over this? Should I just go, or give her the pearls for the day and not go?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"You called them your grandmother's pearls, but they are yours."
"You're not 'keeping the pearls hostage.'"
"You're using your own property as you see fit."
"If your sister is making you feel unwelcome at her wedding, you don't have to let her use your property."
"This isn't the only pearl necklace in the world. NTA." ~ UteLawyer
"Do NOT lend her your pearls under any circumstances."
"She will 100% begin viewing them as 'her wedding pearls' and make the argument that they mean more to her than to you."
"She's made it clear that she cares more about your family's approval and her superficial desires than your happiness or respect for your partner."
"She may have been nicer to you initially, but it didn't cost her anything."
"Now that things have come to a head, hopefully you can see that she's just as bad as the rest of them."
"Don't lend her your necklace, don't go to the wedding, and honestly, I would stop speaking to her altogether over this, but that's your choice to make." ~ mr_trick
"NTA, I'd blast her and family for their views publicly and make it a known stance as to why you have cut contact with family over this." ~ igwbuffalo
"Do not, repeat NOT, loan your sister those pearls."
"The phrase she used, holding them hostage, implies that you hold something you have no right to, and threaten it."
"That's her mental image, and that indicates that if you loan her the necklace, she won't give it back."
"Would anybody give a hostage back to the hostage-taker?"
"NTA. Your partner, your pearls, you."
"Either all three will attend the wedding, or none."
"I vote for none, given the situation." ~ SpiritedLettuce6900
"NTA; I'd not go and not loan her the pearls, unless she gives you the ring until they're returned."
"I can see this whole family-caused fiasco blowing up in your face." ~ Individual_Ad_9213
"NTA. The pearls are a family heirloom that belongs to you."
"Loaning them is a gesture of closeness and support."
"If she is unwilling to support your relationship or stand up to the family's bigotry, she doesn't really get to reap the benefits of that closeness by wearing your jewelry." ~ Tight-Decision-7918
"NTA - don't cast pearls before swine." ~ My_Poor_Nerves
"NTA. Just the opposite, in fact."
"You are awesome!"
"You are doing exactly what a good, loving partner should do."
"Keep it up." ~ GreekAmericanDom
"NTA! also they aren't your grandmother's pearls now, they are yours."
"She left them to you."
"You can decide to loan them or not!"
"Your sister and your family are horrible."
"You should never make excuses for them."
"To not accept someone into your family just because they are a little person is hard for me to even comprehend."
"If my sister asked me to leave my partner behind because they had dwarfism, I probably would never speak to her again." ~ Comfortable-Door616
"The issue here isn't about pearls or weddings or even what your partner thinks about the rights and wrongs of the situation."
"The issue is that you don't want to spend time with awful people, and your sister has just self-identified as awful."
"It's not like your partner is abusive, or cruel, or lazy, or unfaithful."
"They aren't judging his character, just his body."
"Your family sucks."
"Your sister pretended not to suck, but she does."
"You don't want to hang out with people who suck, and you will certainly not be lending sucky people your valuables."
"If they want you to be nice to them, they can start by not sucking." ~ FoxyOcelot
"NTA, entirely."
"She can't invite the pearls without you, and she can't invite you without your partner."
"Godd*mn OP, your family is sh*tty." ~ RickRussellTX
"NTA. You're not holding the pearls hostage."
"You're simply saying that you and your partner are a package deal. If he's not welcome at your sister's wedding, then you're not going either, and she doesn't get to borrow your grandmother's pearls."
"Your sister is choosing to keep the peace with the ableist side of the family instead of standing up for you and your partner."
"That's not fair."
"The fact that she's more upset about the pearls than about excluding him speaks volumes."
"You've already fought hard for years to protect your relationship."
"It's completely reasonable to draw the line here."
"Your partner sounds like a great guy, but you're allowed to refuse to go without him."
"This isn't about the necklace... it's about basic respect for your relationship."
"NTA. Stand your ground." ~ latinaaaabaddie
"NTA. But instead of the 'he is invited, or me (and the pearls) won't be there' stance, OP should just RSVP no."
"At this point, any weirdness her family may have had towards her partner will be exacerbated tenfold."
"She shouldn't put him through that."
"RSVP no, put sister at arm's length, and if she wants to apologize, she can do so after the wedding."
"Anything beforehand would come across as insincere." ~ TogarSucks
"NTA, the answer is you will not be loaning the pearls."
"You will not attend the wedding."
"You will not subject your partner, the man you love and married, to ignorant prejudice."
"Good luck and good riddance." ~ Hennahands
"NTA. Keep the pearls and don't go to the wedding."
"There's no world where you bring this guy to the wedding, and there is zero drama."
"You owe it to your partner not to subject him to this kind of trauma." ~ jimmytaco6
"NTA. I would honestly tell her the pearls are too classy for a wedding like hers, and so are you and your partner."
"The pearls are not being held hostage because at this point she will have to work to rebuild any relationship, and none of you will be going to the wedding regardless." ~ Effective_Olive_8420
"NTA, but given the way your family treats people, I think you were on the right track with the low contact."
"Rather than trying to negotiate for your partner to go somewhere he is not welcome, you should be declining the invitation and not lending her anything."
"Their behavior is appalling, and there should be repercussions for it." ~ Jerseygirl2468
"NTA. And at this point, I wouldn't loan them to her either, or accept an invitation at this point."
"Because I dont think she'd give them back." ~ Vivid-Win-4801
Reddit is with you, OP.
Your sister is out of line.
It's awful that your family can't see past their own prejudice.
Do what you feel is right for you and your relationship.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp