It's always an adjustment for parents when their children become adults.
Many parents have a lot of trouble not "parenting", sharing input and observations with their children, whether they asked for it or not.
Sometimes, this help and input are appreciated, as their children know that in a pinch, they can always depend on their parents.
Other times, it might feel a bit overbearing, if not downright invasive.
The mother of Redditor NeatMuffin9019 helped her with an important milestone on her way to adulthood.
While the original poster (OP) appreciated this initial help, she was less thrilled that her mother remained actively involved in this part of her life.
Eventually, setting a clear boundary.
After her mother accused her of "breaking her trust", the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for refusing to give my mom access to my bank account after she helped me open it?"
The OP explained why she felt the need to restrict her mother's access to a specific part of her life:
"I (18 F[emale]) just turned 18 a few months ago and opened my own bank account."
"When I first did it, my mom helped me set everything up since I had no idea what I was doing."
"Because of that, she still has access to my account."
"At the time I didn't think it was a big deal."
"Recently I noticed she's been checking my transactions and commenting on them."
"Like if I order food or buy clothes, she'll bring it up later and say stuff like 'you're wasting money' or 'that's not necessary'."
"Last week she asked me why I spent money on going out with friends and said I should be saving instead."
"I told her it's my money and I'm trying to learn how to manage it myself."
"She got upset and said since she helped me open the account and I still live at home, she has a right to see what I'm doing with my money."
"That didn't sit right with me, so I went to the bank and removed her access without telling her."
"She found out a few days later and was mad."
"She said I went behind her back, that I'm being sneaky, and that I'm 'not ready to be independent' if I can't be transparent."
"Now things are tense at home and she keeps bringing it up, saying I broke her trust."
"I get that she was helping me, but I also feel like I should have some privacy now that I'm 18."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**Hole for blocking her mother from seeing her bank account.
Everyone agreed that this was not an issue of transparency, and if anyone broke someone's trust, it was the OP's mother:
"NTA."
"That's a guilt trip."
"Ignore it."
"But be aware that she'll probably try to do this kind of thing if you ask for help on things in the future."
"Better to Google how-to instructions than ask mom."- chocolate_chip_kirsy
"NTA."
"You're 18."
"It was smart to remove her access to your account."
"Maybe set up a savings account too and put a percentage of the money you make in it."
"Or don't."
"It's your money."
"But be aware she may want to start charging you rent or find some way of getting some of it, if she's not already."- annarich310
"NTA."
"She doesn't need access."- WholeAd2742
"NTA."
"My mom made me a minor bank account at the age of 16 and never once cared to look what I was doing, short of sending me money, or asking me to send her money, it was my own."
"When I turned 18 she removed herself."
"It's weird that she's pocket watching you."- xHey_All_You_Peoplex
"NTA."
"Mom needs to learn the difference between 'being independent' and 'being transparent', those wires sound crossed."- StrangeWork957
"NTA."
"It's like saying I taught you how to use the bathroom, so I should be allowed to leave the door open."- angelcrumbie
"NTA."
"You're an adult."
"She needs zero access, and I'm saying this as a mother of a 19 year old with her own bank account that I have NO access to."- BurnerForFunsies
"NTA."
"She absolutely does not have an inherent right to know what you do with the money you earn."
"However, the comments she's made about living there rub me in a worrisome way."
"There are many homeless young adults because the parents were my way or the high way types."
"Please make sure you have other stable living arrangements you can go to should she decide to kick you out."
"You are 18 and while it'd be morally wrong of them to kick you out over this they are not legally obligated to let you live there."- AGracefulPromise
"I actually think she broke your trust by snooping on your account."
"NTA."
"Don't cave."- PoolExtension5517
"NTA."
"Keep her off of it as well."- Rachel1578
"NTA."
"Your bank account is your personal property, and you're an adult."
"So she has NO right to demand access to it."
"If you want to calm her down a bit, sit down with her and discuss finances in a general way, and let her give you some advice about how to budget."
"But don't let her manipulate you into giving her your private information."- No_Difficulty_9365
"NTA."
"OP, you should also lock down your credit."
"You mom has my spidey senses tingling."- FairBaker315
"NTA."
"Your mom is being so inappropriate."- Glittering_Smell_
"NTA."
"I recommend you make a budget for your own sake if you don't already have one."
"If there is one thing I wish I could go back and tell my 18 year old self (besides to buy property ASAP), it would be to learn financial literacy and take it seriously while I still had the safety net of living with my mom."
"I frittered away so much petty cash, when I could easily have still had a great time and also hit savings goals."- FairyCompetent
"NTA."
"My mom was like this."
"She would say I needed to learn to be independent but would constantly hover around my business even years after I moved out."
"Part of becoming independent is learning how to do things on your own."
"This includes spending your own money."
"I really wish my mom would've just let me be and allowed me to come to her when I did have problems."
"Even 20 years later I keep her at a distance because of this behavior."- akriirose
"NTA."
"I recently set up my child's bank account."
"I have asked once how it was going."
"That's it."
"It's not my money."- No_Use_9124
"NTA."
"She proved why you were right to take her off the account."
"She couldn't keep out of it."
"How will you ever independent if she doesn't allow you to do things in your own?"
"You may make mistakes but that's how you learn."- keesouth
"NTA."
"Assuming you're taking care of any financial obligations you have, money you've earned is yours to do with as you please."
"I have three adult children."
"I had access to their bank accounts until they moved out (one still lives at home, and I can still access her account if I want to)."
"I never once looked at what my kids did with their money."
"We had an arrangement regarding what they were responsible for paying, they held up their end of the bargain, and I stayed out of their business."- squirrell1974
"NTA."
"You didn't break her trust, she broke yours."- Embarrassed_dancer
"Oh boy."
"NTA, first of all."
"If there was any 'trust breaking' here, it was by her, when she started checking up on your finances without your permission or approval."
"I can understand her being concerned, but this behavior goes well beyond concerned, and ventures way into boundary stomping and entitlement."
"I think it's great that you removed her access."
"Make sure you change your online password, as well, otherwise she may still be able to gain access that way."- NotARobotDefACyborg
"NTA."
"The way to help you learn money management isn't asking critical one-off questions."
"It would be to sit down and talk in concrete terms about goals, debts, expenses, etc."
"Every budget has a % of 'fun money' set aside, too."- Physical_Revelry
"NTA."
"You're an adult."
"When I turned 18 I went and made a new bank account that my mother did not have access to and she pitched a fit too."- Ranger_368
Most parents like to help their children with their first steps into their adult lives, and that help is almost always appreciated.
However, there is a fine line between helping their children and controlling their lives.
And the OP's mother seems to be erring on the latter.
At the end of the day, the OP's mother will be able to clearly tell if the OP is spending her money responsibly without constantly peeking at her bank account.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp