Cemeteries have different meanings to everyone.
Beyond being a place where the deceased are buried, people view them as a place to honor their loved ones.
Some people have superstitious views of cemeteries, and often find themselves going there to put their theories, and often their fears, to the test.
For some people, however, a cemetery is simply an unavoidable destination on their way home or their way to work.
Redditor Karl_Marxist_3rd recently found themself in a cemetery largely by coincidence, and felt it was a good opportunity to finally get to something they'd been meaning to do for a while.
Unfortunately, the original poster OP's behavior was met with disapproval by a passerby, calling the OP "disrespectful".
Wondering if this was the case, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for eating a croissant in a cemetery?"
The OP explained why their brief pause in a cemetery was met with disapproval by another visitor:
"I had a doctor's appointment today and they told me to not eat or drink anything before it."
"Once I got out, I was starving and pretty thirsty, so I went to a supermarket, grabbed a croissaint and a bottle of store brand cola and went to look for somewhere to sit down."
"The nearest spot I could find that wasn't directly by a busy road was a cemetery."
"So I went in, walked to some benches and sat down."
"I had almost finished eating when a woman, maybe in her 70s, walked past me and asked who I was visiting if I didn't mind the question."
"I said I was just eating somewhere quiet, which surprised her."
"She then told me that I should be ashamed to be so disrespectful and left."
"I finished eating and drinking before leaving."
"I can see where she was coming from and it's possible she was grieving and looking for solidarity, but also I was just eating and it was the closest spot."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Everyone agreed that the OP was simply finding A quiet place to sit and eat, and wasn't desecrating a grave or disrespecting the deceased:
"My sister died soon after we got out of college, and she was buried at Hollywood Cemetery (historic cemetery in Richmond, VA)."
"At first I was angry and horrified to see people casually strolling around, walking their dogs, taking pictures, laughing and talking, and generally treating this place of grief like it was a public park - but then I realized how incredibly lovely it actually is that there’s beauty and life there, it’s not just a cold place for sadness."
"It sounds like the lady OP spoke with is still very deep in grief."
"If I were buried somewhere and someone sat down near my headstone to munch on a croissant, I think I’d be happy for them that they got to enjoy their snack in peace."
"NTA."- Vannie91
"NTA."
"Very old-fashioned of you to treat a cemetery as a public park."
"Back in the day, they were a popular spot for picnics."
"You don’t have to have a personal relationship with the dead to be in a place dedicated to remembering them."- tardytimetraveler
"NTA as long as you weren't littering or anything."
"She should have minded her business."- NewDate6115
"I suppose it may be different in different places, but I'm in Boston, which has the first combination public garden/cemetery in the United States, and cemeteries since then have been usually designed on the same plan."
"Most cemeteries nowadays are a combination of dead people storage and public green space."
"If the one you were at is like that."
"NTA."- IanDOsmond
"NTA."
"Traditionally cemetery’s were one of the few green spaces in the city, as a result many people used to go there to play and have a picnic in."- A_Literal_Fruit_5369
"As long as you weren't taking a shit on somebody's grave or dancing naked around the columbarium, but simply sitting quietly and eating your croissant, there was nothing disrespectful about what you were doing."
"I'm in my 70s, and I don't know what the old bat's problem was."
"But she was completely out of place."
"I'm sure she would have been horrified if she had been there the time my family visited our mother's grave and drank champagne."
"A glass of champagne may have been spilled so that Mom could have some too."
"NTA."- TararaBoomDA
"NTA."
"Old lady needs to mind her business, you did nothing disrespectful."
"I've seen families have full picnics at the cemetery while visiting loved ones."
"There's nothing wrong with eating peacefully at a cemetery."- somerandomshmo
"NTA."
"My family goes on walks through the cemetery next door on nice afternoons."
"We see people picnicking at gravesites, dudes drinking beer with long-gone friends, and people walking on the trails all the time As long as you aren’t disruptive and bothering other people you’re fine."- One-Permission-1811
"NTA I'm sure those that are dead enjoyed the company."- PrincessMo
"NTA, when my wife and I moved to the Philippines, one of the first parties we went to was at a cemetery."
"In the Philippines, it's tradition to bring food, tables, and chairs to the cemetery and set up next to a loved one's grave and eat."
"So as long as you are respectful, it shouldn't be a problem."
"That old lady was just a prude."- The-Forsaken-Outcast
"NTA."
"There’s nothing disrespectful about eating a croissant in a cemetery."- UngnomeCawler
"Absolutely NTA."
"I've lived in very close proximity to both a cemetery and a graveyard in my life."
"The cemetery was huge."
"Like, had its own huge postcode."
"It was regularly used as just somewhere to go for a walk, I had a family friend who was learning to drive there and knocked over a very old gravestone, most things were fair game, I'm pretty sure one of my sisters gave her first BF a BJ there."
"Right now I live 10 minutes' walk from a graveyard."
"Very, very old, attached to a still active church, and right next to a popular dog park (separated by a 2.5-3m wall)."
"List of things that a graveyard is used for:"
"On-leash walking away from the main park that can get a bit crowded with excited dogs."
"People find a quiet place where they can get drunk (especially underage)."
"People just taking a casual walk."
"Weekly AA meeting (really absurd the first time I went to it but kinda cool)."
"Checking out historical tombstones."
"People having English-speaking conversation meetings to help learn English."
"Fundraising stalls on weekends."
"Unless you're actively vandalizing, leaving rubbish around, answering the call of nature on a gravesite, you're all good."-chalk_in_boots
"NTA."
"In Australia, cemeteries also get used as parks."
"People walk dogs, toddlers ride bikes, people sit and enjoy the peaceful surroundings."
"There's even one cemetery that occasionally has criterium races for the local cycle club."
"Cemeteries are mostly multi-denominational and non-denominational."- AussieKoala-2795
"NTA."
"I think the buried would like some company."- yogginggirl
"NTA."
"The Victorians used to spend their Sundays wandering the cemeteries and eating picnic lunches."
"Cemeteries are for leisure time."- No-Housing-5124
"NTA."
"Cemetery was one of the few green spaces I had easy access to as a kid."
"It's not like you were throwing a party."
"I guess I'd just not answer next time."
"In fact for all she knows you were visiting someone and just didn't want to say."- Character-Twist-1409
"NTA."
"She doesn’t get to dictate use of the bench."
"Also, it was none of her business for asking."- United-Loss4914
"NTA."
"If you were sitting there quietly, you weren't being disrespectful."
"Lots of people go to cemeteries for the quietness, and even to walk their dogs."- No_Difficulty_9365
"NTA."
"You weren't desecrating a grave."- Anxious_Reporter_601
"NTA."
"My dad is buried in the Catholic section of the smallish cemetery in our village."
"We often talk about how nice it is that he's surrounded by his old friends, and when we go up there, we stop and have a think about them too."
"I hope maybe that happens for your grandpa, if he's in a cemetery where other people who knew him may visit."- Classroom_Visual
There were a few, however, who wondered if the woman's grief might have taken over her emotions, even if they still agreed the OP did nothing wrong:
"It’s a beautiful perspective, but it also perfectly explains why NAH (No A**holes Here) might apply to the grieving lady, even if OP is solidly NTA."
"When grief is raw and fresh, seeing the rest of the world continue to function 'normally' (like eating a pastry) feels inherently offensive."
"It's just a sad collision of two completely different emotional states."- RoosterSubstantial75
There is one thing everyone in a cemetery, be it permanently or passing through, is looking for.
A little peace and quiet
Something this passing stranger refused to allow the OP to have.
Leaving one to reconsider who was being disrespectful in this situation.
Unless it really was the grief talking.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.